Memo To: Garter Vine Sweater

Do not start with me. I understand that I made a serious tactical error when I mentioned out loud that I had every intention of wearing you to the Maryland Sheep and Wool Festival. I forgot that even the nicest yarn, masquerading as a gentle and decent mohair/wool blend cannot resist the freaking urge to jerk a knitter around given half a chance.

I find your deception and duplicity especially hurtful, since you have given me no hint of trouble up until now. Would it have been so bad for you to tell me that you were unhappy? I feel that there is a communication problem in this relationship and while I embrace and fully acknowledge the concept that “it takes two to tango”, I have to tell you that I believe that this time it is completely and totally your fault that things are not working out for us right now.


This is what I am talking about. See this? This is your two fronts, attached to the back with a loving and caring three needle bind off. (I cannot believe that means nothing to you. I ought to graft your sorry arse.) What exactly is up with your nasty little failure to match?

I have counted your rows, my conniving green friend and there are exactly the same number in both of the fronts. Exactly. I have checked the blog pictures (perhaps you thought I would let my guard down and not keep accurate records?) and I know that the two fronts were knit on the same needles. You are fresh out of excuses and I’m done playing around.

Do not even try to have a conversation with me about my attitude and gauge….I have your number. (Literally) I have firmly tugged on your length and I am sure of your lies. I am hoping that going public with your crap will shame you into decency. I am going to block the living daylights out of your duplicitous, shifty, guileful fibres tonight, and tomorrow we will see who is sorry that they started this up.

Remember, there are plenty of skeins of yarn around here who would love to see Maryland in the spring.