I am in Memphis and I AM the village idiot. (Not to be confused with the famous “I am Canadian” rant.)
The top ten reasons I am probably going to be avoided by people who live here.
1. I actually said “What is that big river?”
(Note. It is the Mississippi. It is one of the biggest rivers in the world. Idiot.)
2. I brought a coat. (Double idiot. In my defense, I didn’t know what 70 degrees was until I got off the plane. It’s 21. It’s nice.)
3. I was surprised that a guy in a van had a rifle. I am a Canadian from Toronto. I’ve never seen a rifle, live and in person.
4. I cannot understand a word people are saying. They understand me. They are bilingual. They have skills. Me? I got no idea what they are saying. They seem very nice though. Everyone is incredibly nice…and gracious and generous. At least I think they are. I’m only getting about half of the conversation.
5. Rhododendrons are a freakin TREE. (Compared to in Toronto where they are a cowering little shrubs that we wrap in layers of burlap in the faint hope that it may survive 10 minutes of the Toronto winter.)
6. When I checked into the hotel, I was surprised that they gave me a warm cookie. (This will only matter to you if you have been to Toronto, where you are lucky if they give you a room, never mind a very tasty warm cookie.)
7. I don’t have a car. I am the only person in this city without a car. I was called “Kee-ute” for asking if I could walk to downtown.
8. Some guy ran his suitcase into me in the airport and I apologized to HIM. (I can’t help it. I am a Canadian.) He stared at me for a while after.
9. I say “Mississippi”. This is wrong. It is “Mis-ippi”
10. It took me 22 minutes to buy a phone card. Two minutes to ask for the card, and 20 minutes to desperately regret that I had asked an open ended question that I couldn’t understand the answer to. I then tried to use my debit card thus incurring more confusion. (Note to Canadians…it is a “check” card. Not even a “cheque” card) It then took me five minutes to apologize to the girl for being the village idiot, and another five minutes to fulfill her request to repeat the words “out”, “about” and “huge” for her entertainment.
I am Canadian. I am the village idiot in Memphis. Bear with me.
(Also please bear with the lack of pictures. My card reader are suddenly not on speaking terms.)