Under the bed, my arse.

For several years now, Joe and I have had no bedframe. Our mattress and box spring sit on the floor. I know that there are those of you who would think this uncivilized, but it has several advantages.

1. The bed never squeaks. Ever.

2. You don’t have to worry about what’s under the bed.

3. You don’t have to sweep under the bed. (Not that I would sweep under the bed, but I would feel guilty about it.)

4. You don’t need a fancy-arse bedskirt that’s eventually going to need washing and won’t be washed and will just become another piece of housework that mocks you at the beginning and end of every day.

That said, this weekend, in some sort of sunlight induced organizational fervor, I bought a bedframe. (This organizational fit happens to me every spring/fall. I believe it to be the result of a complex chain of events involving a sale at Ikea and a change in the weather. I can’t explain it.) Despite the very good reasons outlined above, I got to thinking that the downside of not having an under-the-bed location was that I couldn’t have underbed storage. If you live in an old house, a house without closets…you will understand the seductive nature of the “underbed storage box“. It’s like offering someone another wing on the house. I get a little sweaty just thinking about it.

We spent an hour this morning putting the ridiculous metal bedframe together, complete with a tape measure injury to my thumb that resulted in bloodloss, as well as a moment of marital discord when there were *some* pieces left over. (This doesn’t bother me. It *does* bother Joe. Usually the idea of something falling apart because you didn’t use all the screws would bug me, but it’s a stinking bedframe. What’s the worse that can happen? You can fall 30cm onto the floor. Ohhh..Danger. If we were assembling a roller coaster I’d discuss it. For now, all I wanted was the stupid bedframe that I’m only having because I’m psyched about the under-bed storage put together with a bed on top of it.

Frame assembled, there are a few awkward moments where we stagger around trying to get the mattress atop the wheeled thing (made criminally more difficult by the fact that I had already re-organized the closet (read “took everything out and threw it on the floor”) in preparation for all of those things going into my fancy new under-bed storage bins. I know a more organized less excited woman would have done things in a different order, but screw it.) but eventually we prevail. Joe and I step back, I reach for the glory that is my storage salvation…the underbed storage box, and go to slide it under the bed.

Now. Click here. Read carefully. See where it says “easy to push….in under the bed”? See that? See what it says? Would that not mean in every sane and sensible way, that Ikea intends for this box to fit under the bed? Ya think?


It is a standard bedframe, it is an Ikea “under the bed” box and the under the bed box will not fit. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “Well sure Steph, it’s all part of the Ikea scam. Ikea under the bed boxes only fit under Ikea beds. You shouldn’t have bought the frame at The Bay. You deserve everything you get from Ikea….and more. This frustration you are feeling is the natural consequence of stepping outside of the Ikea family of products.”

HA! Wrong! I give you exhibit A:


This is what we had to do to the girls IKEA bunk beds to get the IKEA under the bed boxes to fit under the bed in the girls room. We added little blocks of wood to the legs to lift the bed up enough to fit the boxed underneath. Unfortunately, this brilliant McGyver-esque solution is not going to work on the metal bedframe with wheels.

I warn you now, learn from my pain.

It is a false promise of underbed storage held out by Ikea to taunt me with the concept of a clear closet, a place to keep sweaters and room for the ever expanding stash the things that we need space for. I have been led on by Ikea and I am crushed.

I own a bedframe for no reason. I have wasted a morning of my life and my bedroom is trashed. My fury is crimson. I will be discussing this with Ikea at some length.