Please leave a message

We’re sorry, the Yarn Harlot can’t come to the blog right now.

She has procrastinated on a deadline, is beset by completely feral children and is no doubt engaged in a conversation that began with the words “She’s looking at me” with one of those children right now. She can’t find all of the camping stuff for the family bike trip (which is 350k and begins on Sunday) and wonders how the hell a camping stove she knows that she put on a shelf in the basement has left the building. She and Mr. Washie are not enjoying each other, and she’s contemplating replacing his sorry arse with a machine that will, you know…WASH CLOTHES without lurching across the basement screeching metallic filth at her while refusing to spin unless she coddles him. The Yarn Harlot, while usually pretty good natured, is starting to look at people with hostile intentions, and is wondering what it would cost to install a totally soundproof bathroom where she could sit in a corner and engage in a little bootee knitting to take the edge off.

Greentoes

(oh…wait, she did that.)

Your local harlot hopes to return tomorrow with a good attitude, a freaking camp stove, two chapters of a new book and 9 loads of freshly washed laundry to appease the infidels with which she is trapped.

For the record, there are 19 days until the first day of school, a return to a regular workday and the end of a kitchen inexplicably covered in sand.

72 thoughts on “Please leave a message

  1. Wine is good for days like that…or chocolate! Better yet, both. Framboise and dark chocolates always relieve stress or make it so that you don’t care anymore. Either way, problem solved!

  2. OOOOOHHH such unbelievably cute booties! All is forgiven; just tell us about those booties! Are they from the bee shoes book???
    I’m so sorry that Mr. Washie is sulking. Maybe a sacrifice of a commercial sock would soothe him. NOT a hand-knit one, though. There are limits…
    And I heartily concur about chocolate. Did you enjoy the Scharffen Berger I slipped you in Stash in Berkeley?
    dee near Berkeley

  3. Your kitchen, too? I keep finding sand everywhere! It’s driving me batty!!
    Oh, have the rubber feet worn off the bottom of the washer? Mine did that dancing thing until we got it looked at and then had the rubber feet replaced. Now it stays put.
    Knit more. It’ll help. Ignore the sand. That’s what I’m doing, anyway.

  4. ROFL!! Dee, you too? So how many Scharffen Berger bars did you get at Stash, Stephanie? Did it make up for not getting to visit the factory–or did you after all? It was right there in the neighborhood. Are the kids being feral because none of it made it home to them to bring them civilization and high-flyin’ livin’?

  5. I need to know about these booties. Where did the recipe come from? and the ladybugs and the bees. Too cute!! Way too cute!
    Chocolate and alcohol. That will cure just about anything.
    The 2 chapters? Just cut and paste from your blog. We all love you…

  6. I hope you brought some Peet’s home with you. If you haven’t. Well. I could send you some ๐Ÿ™‚ Throw in some dash of alcohol, and this might be the best you’ll get for a while.
    Mr. Washie better behave himself if he doesn’t want to be hauled up by his pipes.

  7. Was I not paying attention? What 350k bike trip? I’m still exhausted from vicariously enjoying last year’s jaunt (was it last year?) which involved your losing a lock of hair in a tragic campsite accident.
    Where are “we” headed this year?

  8. I say let the feral children fend for themselves – daytime movies, snacks between meals, bloodletting at will because she looked at me, lock yourself in the bathroom with the remote blogging system and earplugs and let them eat cake.
    I realize this isn’t practical, but it is a nice vision, yes?

  9. Okay, my post got lost somehow . . .
    I’m so glad to know that my kitchen isn’t the only one covered in sand. It’s everywhere! I’m going crazy from it–and you should see the back deck with the sandbox . . . *sigh*
    Oh, and have you checked the little rubber feet on the washer? If those wear through, then it’ll move all around. That’s what fixed mine, anyway.
    I say, knit, make everyone else do laundry, and just relax about the sand as it’s probably sentient and procreating somehow. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  10. Enjoyed the guest blog – Just a few suggestions to add – I agree that some special strong spirited drink will aid in the writing – a solid dose of chocolate will take the edge off everything else MIA. Mr Washie’s movement or lack thereof is his special way of letting you know how much you were missed these past weeks – I think they call it the “Roll and Tumble Twist” pas a deux….When all else fails run dashing out to buy that new bike seat – the cushioned cooling one! Have a fun bike trip!

  11. Must be something in the water, I blogged this today:
    Dear children,
    I am at my wits end with you. I must force myself daily to think about the 9 long months I grew you, and how cute you were when you were little, and how much your father would miss you should you somehow dissapear from existance. Because so help me, if I have to tell you one more effing time to keep your hands to yourselves, or stop yelling, or could you please for the love of God leave your sister alone.. I will have to kill you. Oh, I will feel terrible after… but for a brief moment when it’s done, I will relish in the silence that has been absent from our house for so long now. I know it’s the end of the summer, I know that you’ve been cooped up with each other for a long time, and not having a car to go out has been difficult for us all..but it’s only 2 more weeks. I feel like my last nerve is going to snap, and so I am packing you off to Grammies house for the weekend. Drive her crazy for a little while.
    Love, mom
    posted by OneScrappyChick at 11:37 AM | 0 comments

  12. I have 1 that start High School on Monday and is now melting down from the “pressure” and 1 that does not start 7th grade until Sept 6th and she was grounded last night from sleep-overs by my DH due to a bad attitude. Does he not realize that I am gg to have a bad attitude with her stuck at home while he trots off to work…Wine anyone?

  13. It’s times like this when a hotel room to ones self and dinner alone sounds rather nice – doesn’t it?
    Only 11 more days till school starts here, but who’s counting…

  14. Maybe I should have given you good Northwest Beer instead of Jolly Ranchers on your visit to Seattle…did you like the laptop mouse? Did it work??
    Best of luck – I’ve got 17 days until my little one starts at “real school” for the very first time… ๐Ÿ™‚
    Kick Mr. Washie. Ms. Tag (First name “May”, she lives in my house, maybe they’re related?) shapes up real quick with a swift kick to the behind. Or the front, as the case may be.

  15. Chocolate.
    Are there some yummy yarn stores on this bike ride. That is about the only reason I would bike 350 km. I’ll be traversing the SW Ontario next week as well. I’ll keep a look out for you and the sock.

  16. A new book? A NEW BOOK?!? Be still my beating heart! Joy abounds. How freakin’ awesome. You prolific writer, you.
    I really must get meself a copy of that bootie book you have there. It is obviously full of desperately cute stuff.

  17. Out here in Kentucky school started on August 9. We could use a few more knitters in Calloway County.

  18. It’s twelve more days here…and while T has nobody except me to whom she can say “quit looking at me,” there is no work getting done. None whatsoever. And not for lack of trying. There is, however, the biggest freaking mountain of end of summer vacation laundry I have ever seen. It’s explosive. And my dryer just decided to crap out. I’m screwed.
    I did, however, spin your wool AND plied it. Nearly lost my middle finger making an Andean bracelet, but I survived enough to know that plying is so freaking cool, it can often make up for at least one load of the laundry hell…

  19. holy crap! please tell me those chapters in a “new book” are for BOOKbookBOOKbook No. 2, not for BOOKbookBOOKbook No. 3 – especially when I don’t have No. 2 yet!

  20. Would LOVE to know where to get the pattern for those booties — and I don’t even have any little ones to make them for! They’re so adorable though, who cares??? Hang in there with the chillens — fall is just around the corner. School started for us here in Texas this week and I’m reveling in the peace and quiet ๐Ÿ˜‰

  21. Sorry, a little bit of translating for the Canadians… “chillens” is not referring to the temperature. Here in the south, “chillens” translates to “children”, “kiddos” or “little heathens” (whichever fits best).

  22. Oh dear. So, I gather the glow of re-entry has worn off. Isn’t it great to be back to normal? Ok, maybe not. ๐Ÿ™‚ I thought the purpose of children was to do laundry. That’s what my mom always told us right before she locked us in the basement. Good luck finding that camp stove – have you asked Mr. Washie? Might explain the screeching.

  23. Harlot finished writing bookbookbook2 by the end of February (remember when That Laurie guest-blogged about dyeing?) and it’s coming out in September. So the new chapters she’s working on now are either for bookbookbook3 (woo!) or for a book she’s co-writing with other people (which would still be very exciting).
    (But what do I know. I am not, alas, Harlot.)

  24. This works in my family: Tell them Auntie Norma is going to be taking over for a few days. They will suddenly grow very quiet and sit on the couch — I mean chesterfield. I’m serious. I’m THAT scary. So tell them I’m coming to Toronto. We’re going to “switch places,” as it were. Hee.
    Is that another bootie from that same bootie book? If so, I need to get one of those YESTERDAY. God, those things are cute.

  25. And just how are you going to get the Mr. Suds down the stairs?
    We replaced both the washer and the dryer (and the water softener and the sink and most of the basement plumbing) this year. The new washer (A Kenmore front-loader) and dryer (the maytag closet thing) have changed the laundry procrastination around here. Big Loads and the washer sits on a STAND so that I don’t have to bend my arthritic body all over the place trying to find the last sock.
    Modern washers do things like actually spin most of the water out, heat their own water, use less soap and cut down on energy usage of both the washer and the dryer (because of the really strong spin). Worth it in my opinion – if only because I am so damn green.

  26. it is always worth spending money on a decent washing machine. Especially if you have 3 kids. Front loaders are much more energy and water efficient (and if that matters, check out http://www.nrcan.gc.ca where there are lists of the most energy effienct of everything).
    I’ve actually met Adults, parents even, who are NOT looking forward to the beginning of school. What is with these people?

  27. I just picked up the fall issue of Vogue Knitting – Congrats on the great book review!

  28. how do you lose a camping stove anyway? Cute booties too, soundproofed bathrooms also make good screaming booths, for those really long days.

  29. do you think you might be knitting too much if you hear about a jury trial that is going to take a long time and you think, “imagine all the knitting I could get done in court if I could get on that jury”?
    And when you see coverage of a trial and look at family members watching their loved one be tried do you think, “why aren’t they knitting as long as they have to spend the day in court anyway?”

  30. I am empathasizing about the sand thing. I just went to put my 2 year olds shoe on and dumped a handful of sand on her bedroom carpet. The shoes were sitting neatly in her shoe cubby, that probably should have been a clue. She put her shoe AWAY. My frontload washer is wonderful. Less detergent, drier clothes for the dryer/clothesline to work on. Defintaly green.

  31. Well, I’m back. Just thinking about the little heathens. My daughter is 20, in university and pretty much on her own. She has turned into a lovely young lady, much to our amazement. But…. there were days when she was younger that I used to call “lowest bidder days”, i.e. days when I would cheerfully have sold her to the LOWEST bidder. And there are those days with one’s spouse, too. It’s all right to fantasize about swift divine justice, but it’s not OK to do it. Anyway, it sure isn’t worth serving hard time for, now, is it?

  32. It must be in the air today. For the first time I developed “that little tic” in the eye area. School here starts Monday. Good thing, too, cuz I believe I threatened to lock the 7 year old outside and never let her in again. My kids WONDERFUL doctor actually wrote ME a prescription for dark chocolate and wine.

  33. Me thinks said infidels should split and have one visit Mr Washie as he seems to need the company, thus allevating the MA – she’s …….
    Relief is on the way – granted a long 19 days that will test the patience of Job, but there truly is an end to the madness! All will go back to the dull roar of everyday insanity. The work will get itself done, the kitchen desanded and knitting time restored. Hang in dudette.

  34. Go for the chocolate if you can get away with it. Every time I pick up the chocolate, I hear a little voice say “mommy?” Even when she’s sleeping.

  35. Cute booties!
    Have the infidels forgotten the magic of Mr Washie? Or were they the ones that broke him? Sounds like some sort of stabilizer is bust. ๐Ÿ˜›

  36. send the kids to my house..i’m good with the striped soccer shirt and whistle…my son left last week for law school in indiana, my oldest is on a plane right now to new zealand…my baby leaves in 2 weeks for boston..that leaves one home who is working 65 hours a week, heading back to college in a week. i could use the company around here of kids that are ‘looking’ at each other. we have the beach and disneyland around the corner from here…the sand can stay in my yard. be careful for what you wish for..when they all grow up!it’s really really quiet these days.

  37. A message you want??? A message you get…
    I LOVE those booties and must now go analyse your photo such that I can figure out how to replicate them ๐Ÿ™‚

  38. I can sympathize. We have just recently sent our second offspring to live in winnipeg while he goes to school to train as a paramedic. Once I got over the shock of our first one to leave the nest, we are enjoying the extra space and peace and quiet. He is the noisy music playing drama king type. Somehow a crisis is just not the same when all he can do is call up on the phone as opposed to storm around the house.
    The third offspring is away at camp this week but returns tomorrow. The fourth one is leaving today to spend the weekend at a friend’s cottage. We are enjoying the lull in activity around here.
    I definitely recommend replacing mister washie. The only thing about front loaders is that it isn’t as easy to do felting but about apart from that I really like having a front loader. We have 4 teenaged male athletes and one messy little 8 year old female in this house, you can imagine the amount of laundry we do.

  39. Remember Mr. Washie’s location. He knows he can’t be removed without taking apart a large chunk of the house. He feels very powerful.
    350K bike ride? Ouch!!

  40. What would happen if you and the camp stove biked one way and made the feral children bike the other, and then met up with each other after 350 km of quiet time?
    And remember, in cases involving grumpy, punchy, feral children, alcohol is just as important to a camping expedition as a camp stove is. Perhaps more.

  41. 350K is like 217.5 miles! Yikes! I must say that you (and Joe and the girls) are totally awesome. And the “She’s looking at me” complaint? I remember doing that to my mom with my younger brothers. Especially on long car trips, where no one could escape. Have a wonderful bike trip!

  42. My kids are always feral, so I wouldn’t probably notice. Sixteen days until my two youngest are back in school (one in third grade and one in his freshman year in high school). Between three boys, a baseball/softball playing husband and two labrador retrievers, my kitchen and everything else is covered in sand and black dog hair. But the chocolate thing really works. Stephanie, do you need me to send you the recipe for the Satanic Brownies I gave you in Seattle? They are wonderful made with Scharfen-Barger. Nope, strike that, they are incomparable! But they are guaranteed to take the edge off even the worst day, especially if they are paired with vanilla bean ice cream and homemade caramel sauce! I don’t do coffee or alcohol, so chocolate is my drug of choice – along with knitting! A nice pair of socks tends to really smooths the rough edges, too!

  43. When living and knitting in Barcelona this past year and washing machines and the like were driving me out of my ever loving mind, I would go to the park and drink “Claras”, while knitting–beer mixed with lemon soda. Relaxing, but not too confusing even for lace patterns!

  44. Mr Washie better watch it. He could just be buried in place, as they say.
    There are new washers in town, energy and water saving washers; washers that do what you ask quickly and quietly while remaining where you put them.
    I’m just saying.

  45. Aaaah, Judith the original (and Yarn Harlot, too) – Mr. Washie will not feel so powerful when he realizes that it’s a lot easier to take HIM apart in chunks and haul him up the stairs. Crowbar, baseball bat, oxyacetylene torch? You can rent or borrow any or all of these. Have at ‘im, Steph, show him who’s boss, then get a nice, meek, sweet (smaller footprint) washer that will fit easily down the basement stairs, delivered and hooked up by someone big and burly.
    The bootees are too cute for words. I gotta get hold of that book and knit some for my impending son. (Three weeks and counting!) Although I must say, the “she’s looking at me” thing reminds me of my own childhood, and also that I have a WHOLE LOTTA KARMA to burn off. This baby boy is my mother’s retribution, I just know it.

  46. It is definitely that point of August:) The restaurant has slowed down as everyone gets their kids out of town–somewhere the kids can run out all that energy. At this point in August I am so thankful I have a 21 yr old that does not live here! woo hoo

  47. Mr. Washie? Poe. Cask of Amontillado. Instill some fear in his uppity arse…
    Ooo, ooo, ooo, leetle sylvan shooz…

  48. I’ll have to tell you about the chocolate shot glasses I found that are very yummy when filled with lovely flavored liquours. Oh my! And I too am waiting to do the happy dance (see reference below) when the kiddlettes head back to school 17 days and counting.
    Note: When we were kids the neighbor down the street who had 8 kids used to bang a pot with a wooden spoon and danced in the yard as the bus headed off the first day. We always thought she was nuts. Now (as a parent) I appreciated the ritual.

  49. See, I keep trying to figure out how oil, car oil, keeps getting into my kitchen along with a healthy dose of mud in these very small tire patterns…

  50. Ok, I waited for the beep, but never heard it. So I don’t know if you will actually get this message. The booties are adorable. Well I guess that’s all for now. I really hope you got this message.
    ๐Ÿ™‚

  51. Make the feral children do their own laundry (hey, it worked for my mom).
    New book, eh? I shall look forward to it!

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  54. I would like to make your “Very Harlot Poncho”. I would like to know what size is in the pattern and your Mission Falls yarn, how many ounces are in a skein. Thank you for your response. E-mail address: cemarce@comcast.net. I am a small and I don’t want it to be too large for me.

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