I am not smart at all. I have written books in which I speak of gauge and it’s perils. I have experienced gauge issues first hand, I have personally felt the burning, bitter twist of the knitting needle when the cruel mistress that is gauge smacks me down so hard that a cardigan won’t zip up over my perfectly reasonably sized breasts….or endured the teachable moment of having the sleeves of a pullover sweep past my hands and brush my so-much-lower kneecaps. I have suffered…I have learned. I have come to place the myth of gauge in a position of respect.
I acknowledge now that the whims of the gauge over-lords are dangerous and I do not taunt them. When I care about the size of a finished object, I knit a swatch. I do not cheat. I do not knit tiny little squares and call them swatches.. .. I even wash the swatches that the water may reveal the true nature of my swatch and not leave my soft knitterly underbelly free to the sharp talons of the gauge beast lurking in the darkness waiting for the moment when I will be vulnerable. I now know that even if you are a careful knitter you can still get totally screwed for reasons you will never truly understand. I know this the way (most days) I know the names of my children. I understand.
Why then, oh why, am I surprised and upset that this yoga bag,
Which I swatched for deeply and honestly,
Will not go around the yoga bag in any way, shape or form and I have to pull the whole thing out? Can you say “slow learner”?
Idiot. What was I thinking? Why didn’t I measure it sooner? How come I knit up a whole ball of Noro into that thing before I checked? Have I not been screwed before on this? Seriously. SLOW LEARNER. Right here. Gonna get a tee-shirt. I am not surprised that I was a gauge victim. I happens to the best of us. I am surprised that I fell for it. Screw gauge and the horse it rode in on.
We hates it.
In other news, Eggs do not have gauge, and now they have guidelines and notes penciled on.
Everyone guessing the next stop is wax, is right. Gonna be cool.
(And no. I’m not early for Easter. I’m very late for Christmas.)
Finally, I’ll be speaking at the Kitchener-Waterloo Knitter’s Guild on January 9th (that’s next Tuesday) at 7:30. They meet at the Waterloo Memorial Recreation Complex, and non-members (like me) can come to the meeting, but they need to bring a toonie. I hope I see you all there.
I think I’ll bring the eggs that night. Clearly I can’t knit my way out of a paper bag.