How it goes

– Trying to leave for airport. Realize that my favourite brown pants are not clean. Begin hunt for alternative, pausing briefly to berate self for not being the sort of person who looks into this the night before.

-Find charcoal wool skirt. Remember I like charcoal wool skirt.

-Put on skirt. Realize that I need tights with skirt.

– Begin hunt for tights. Locate brown pair immediately. Celebrate.

– Remember clothes should match. Discard brown tights.

– Begin hunt for black tights.

-While hunting through drawer, locate 23 pairs of ratty underpants that nobody would ever wear and try briefly to understand why anyone would keep these underpants when what they really need is tights. Leave underpants in drawer because hunt actually concerns tights. Begin to understand why the underpants are still there.

– Locate black tights. Put on. Celebrate.

– Discover huge run down leg that will not be covered by skirt and boot combo.

– Examine brown pants to decide if syrup on leg is actually a big problem.

– Decide syrup on leg is always a big problem.

– Re-launch hunt for black tights.

– Find pair almost immediately and put on. Celebrate.

– Discover huge run down other leg. Curse violently.

– Suddenly realize that it is the same pair as before, only I have put them on backwards.

– Briefly regret dreadful lack of ass that would prevent this mistake. Move on.

– Try to wash syrup off leg of favourite brown pants.

– Fail, but try to work out if I have enough syrup off pants to pass for clean.

– Remember any degree of syrup is bad. Curse.

– Go to teenage daughters drawer and search for black tights that she has not cut the feet off of in a moment of misguided vogue.

– Find pair. Celebrate.

– Remember that daughter is 5′ 8 and I am…..not.

– Decide that if tights fall down the extra will collect in boots. Not a problem.

– Put on daughters black tights. Feel grateful that I will be far away when she discovers that I have taken same.

– Discover daughters tights have huge hole in crotch.

– Contemplate.

– Decide that chain of events that will reveal large crotch hole is, even for me….unlikely. Put on skirt.

– Take deep breath, wonder if anyone else has this much trouble getting dressed.

– Go downstairs. Pour cup of coffee. Walk to desk.

– Sit down and pour entire cup of coffee on lap. Curse violently.

– Go back upstairs. Take off skirt and spike it violently onto floor by brown pants.

– Spend unreasonable amount of time trying to decide what’s worse. Syrup on brown pants, or coffee on charcoal skirt.

– Realize that all of this is moot because I still have not found my bra.

– Go lie in traffic.