A coffee story

Dateline: Thursday October 16th.

Location: an airport. I think it was Boston, but it’s not like it matters.

Time: Early. More early than I can properly be held accountable for.

Scene one: I get to the Airport. I default to base type and after passing though security (where I am smart enough not to buy a coffee before security that they will only take away from me at security because liquids are bad) I begin a search for coffee.

Scene two: I congratulate myself for not being even a little rude of violent before now, even though coffee is the link to life, and I haven’t had one. (The lines are long at security and I did them coffeeless. This makes me double proud- especially when someone in airport line sees the Canadian flag on my suitcase and takes the time out of their own busy line waiting to tell me that I live in a socialist hell that is doomed to failure. I somehow managed, yay verily though I was COFFEELESS, to thank them for taking the time to share.

Scene three: I buy a coffee at the wee coffee wicket, beaming broadly at the girl.

Scene four: Juggling my stuff, I attempt to throw away some garbage. Due to extreme book tour induced exhaustion, I let loose wrong hand over garbage bin, and throw away coffee purchased mere moments ago. (I also let go passport and ticket, but only retrieve same from bin, deciding that coffee can be repurchased from wicket. Endure stares of random strangers who see me digging in the bin. Smile at them.

Scene five: return to wicket. Purchase more coffee. Decide to visit the loo, because I am still afraid of airplane bathrooms (having heard bizarre urban myths about awful outcomes) and place coffee on toilet paper dispenser while doing what one might do in the loo.

Scene six: Leave loo after washing hands, and return to boarding area of airport. Realize coffee was left in loo. Decide that picking up coffee from dispenser after committing ones own ablutions is not so gross, but retrieving coffee after stranger may have committed same is revolting beyond all reason. Do not return to loo to get coffee, but acknowledge loss and go back to coffee wicket.

Scene seven: purchase another coffee from astonished clerk who clearly wonders what the hell I am doing with all the coffee. Explain vaguely about coffee in garbage and loo. Fail to make sense. Return to boarding area with coffee.

Scene eight: Hear flight called. Realize coffee is barrier to effective boarding, considering knitting that is taking up hand space. Pitch coffee in bin and report to gate.

Scene nine: Misheard, apparently. Flight not boarding. Coffee wasted. Return to seat – coffeeless and in despair.

Scene ten: spend 20 minutes trying to figure out if I can return to coffee clerk to buy fourth coffee in 25 minutes without looking like raving whackjob.

Scene eleven: Decide damage to reputation worth coffee. Return to wicket, buy fourth cup. Avoid direct eye contact with clerk who clearly thinks I have taken all leave of my senses and am coffee guzzling maniac. Resolve not to submit expense report for clearly reckless coffee purchases. Pay cash. Leave no paper trail.

Scene twelve: return to seat with fourth coffee. Sit down. Pick up knitting. Embrace coffee. Hold tenderly in hands while waiting for black coffee to cool enough for actual drinking.

Scene thirteen: Celebrate moment of perfect temperature and then, mere seconds later, feel pang of horrendous bad timing when flight is actually called.

Scene fourteen: Weep, as fourth undrunk coffee is pitched in bin. Board flight. Decide humanity is almost beyond redemption and that I have picked wrong career. Writing not as romantic as previously imagined. Spend time in queue imagining jobs that have coffee maker installed at location.

Scene fifteen: Resolve, somewhere over Washington, while attempting to drink bizarre brown water that United calls coffee… that human focus on caffeine is not yet even remotely civilized.

Scene sixteen: Alternately knit, weep and sleep on plane – all involuntarily.

391 thoughts on “A coffee story

  1. My goodness, I thought *I* was bad without my morning cuppa!
    Good luck on better coffee at your next point of call.
    You need a USB coffee machine. They must exist, right?

  2. What a wonderful way to spend the beginning of my morning, reading about your quandry, drinking my own Brazilian liquid and laughing til the tears flow.
    I luv ya.

  3. Poor girl!!!! You need one of those self heating instant coffees. I don’t know if they are any good though. Northern Michigan is a little slow on trendy convienences. Thanks for all your sacrifices in the name of knitting!

  4. Oh my dear Steph, to have to try to get through a mere day coffeeless is one thing, but the wretched AIRPORT?!1? I feel for you, am sending you a mental thermos of Peet’s.

  5. I am so sorry, here, please have mine! You need to stop for a while!We all love you but you’re no use to us if you’re totally bushed.

  6. Holy Cow! What a sad, yet funny travel story. It sounded like an episode of Mr. Bean. Maybe if you’d had more coffee, something bad would have happened. Maybe you were mysteriously saved from a dropped stitch due to shaking hands. I read the whole thing thinking you were going to tell us that you spilled your coffee on a cream colored aran sweater you’d spent months on…not that I’m speaking from experience, or anything…

  7. So understand the coffee thing – my condolences, and congratulations on your perseverance and restraint. So, as someone who desperately wants to move to your fair country – will you forgive the ignorant – they have obviously never visited.

  8. Yes, I think I will go make that pot of coffee now. Thank you for reminding me! (good luck, the first two losses would have put me over the edge — we are proud of you!)

  9. Bless you. Obviously you survived, if only barely.
    In all my flights, I have never crossed the “drink airline coffee” continuum. I do plan my time accordingly to reach the terminal in time for at least one cup though. Sorry it didn’t work for you Thursday.

  10. Oh MAN!!! What a morning..!!
    Next time- there’s always final boarding call and if you’re sitting at the gateside lounge they’re not gonna leave without you.
    Give yourself a break if you need it πŸ™‚

  11. Made my morning. And remember that royalties from book which will be written to include coffee story will reimburse self for all undrunk coffees and provide fund for next X times this will happen!

  12. Canada is a socialist hell that is doomed to failure? Wow, I think we’ve been doing pretty good since 1867… give or take the occasional governmental slip-up here and there.
    As someone who finds great difficulty to go a day without her favourite decaf (the caffeine does not-so-wonderful things to my ulcer), I can somewhat sympathize and am therefore refraining from a steaming cup today in your honor. May your travels be safe.

  13. I do wish that this posting stuff would remember my info….I keep clicking “yes”, but it doesn’t….
    Oh, Stephanie….when you go to the line for the plane, keep your coffee in your hand. Drink in line. There is usually a trash can near where you board, but you can take it on the flight, just hang on to it!
    I can tell that you were in big trouble when I was laughing too hard to even FINISH your story!!!!!

  14. After laughing eye makeup into streaks down face (shut up, it still beats what I look like without it) decide I must be beyond redemption since all other commenters are expressing sympathy and support. Decide hysterics are the purest form of empathy. Go make a pot of coffee on principle.

  15. Oh, Stephanie, this is priceless. And I know those long Boston lines in the morning. Pure hell!
    This post makes me want more coffee.

  16. I can only imagine what the coffee seller thought…. that YarnHarlot? man! she had 4, yes 4 coffees in less than half an hour.. no really 4, yes it was her, I saw her on the news, yes 4, I thought it was a joke at first and lookod for the hidden camera…

  17. With all the debate in the US about “fixing” our healthcare problems I find it hugely funny that someone would criticize a stranger in the airport for living in Canada! I appologize for my fellow ignorant Americans.

  18. Being a fellow caffeine/coffee fiend I can openly weep for your losses without shame. That being said, you’re a braver (or more desperate) woman than I. If the only coffee to be had is crappy then I’d rather have a cup of tea. Hopefully you had some uninterrupted knitting time on the plane to compensate.

  19. Bwah ha ha! Good thing I wasn’t drinking coffee when I read this or my screen would be baptised. Poor Steph! Proof you’re a writer: you could say to yourself “at least I got a good story out of it.”
    Hope to see you in Pittsburgh again someday!

  20. I’m having fits of giggles, you are such a great story teller!! Sorry to hear it was at the expense of much frustration in pursuit of a decent coffee. Glad to hear you survived!

  21. I’d send you a gup of Panamanian if I could figure out how. I am amazed and uber-impressed that you not only could type but could tell such a serio-comic-tragic story without coffee.

  22. BTW, I’m completely aghast that some pinhead would make such a rude and tactless comment to a complete stranger regarding healthcare systems in other countries. Too bad you didn’t have a steaming cup of coffee to accidentally spill on him at the time… since you were losing it left and right anyway.

  23. Absolutely hilarious. Laughing so hard I couldn’t knit my sock. Have empathy for those awful airport waits, but I am glad I don;t drink coffee. It does bug me though that it is not possible to take a bottle of water though security.

  24. There must have been some sort of coffee voodoo yesterday. I too failed to consume my ration of caffeine despite all my efforts to the contrary. I was completely whacked out and stupid all day. I am pretty sure I voted for the right guy, though…
    Here is to a better day with coffee!!!!!

  25. We must be related. The joke in our family (my side) is that there’s a curse on the Owens clan – public klutziness.
    I will tell you a secret: The way the U.S. is headed, I’ve had moments when I’ve thought I might secret myself to Canada and beg to be allowed to stay. It’ll probably never happen, but …
    I’m praying that, one day, you’ll be within 100 miles of my area. I know you, certainly, don’t need MORE places to go on tour, so I may have to take to the air, myself, simply to attend one of your signings.
    P.S. – My husband, in addition to liking your toes, has taken a liking to your hair.

  26. I can’t believe you spent even a moment worrying what the clerk at the coffee place thought of you. Oh, wait. You’re Canadian.
    (And Rams? You look fine without eye makeup. Really.)

  27. Oh, I’m so sorry to laugh at your expense. I’m preparing to enter the world of coffee drinkers once again after having only three small cups of coffee during the past nine months. I CAN’T WAIT. You’d think I’d do myself a favor and continue being coffeeless, having already gone through withdrawal and all, but no. I want my freaking coffee.

  28. Oh you poor thing. And I know that brown water can’t be coffee. I hope you get a good strong cup soon. If it makes you feel better, when I was in the airport once I had bought a cup and promptly spilled it all over the cart and the worker. She was not at all happy with me. Especially when I asked for another cup!
    I will have to tell you that each morning before I read your blog I get a fresh cup of coffee so I can sit and enjoy.

  29. you poor thing.
    there are just some mornings that only coffee will do.
    -I’m with Iris up there. I felt one of the perks of moving to a bigger city in America was that you might come around here more often than Florida. And now you went to Florida…but now I know how to lure you.
    Come to Philadelphia and I’ll buy you a bunch of coffee!

  30. It’s hard to laugh, because i am naturally empathic and, MAN!! Dealing with an airport with no coffee strikes terror into my heart.
    I have to believe it all too, because who could make this stuff up?

  31. Oh noooooooooo. I’m especially glad you got your passport out of the garbage though.
    I just got your book in the mail and have been enjoying getting started on it during my commuting hell. Esp. the one with Anna and the snow. Great stuff! Hope the rest of the tour goes well with more sleep, coffee, and knitting.

  32. It’s a good thing you didn’t go back to get that bathroom coffee, because I’ve read about what really happens when the toilet gets flushed. Water and bacteria and everything spraying all over the place. And you don’t know if someone else used the facilties after you. Eew. Anyway, looking on the bright side, I’m glad no coffee got on your knitting. And when you get back to our doomed socialist hell, you can have as much Tim’s as you want.

  33. After going through this exact song-and-dance the last time I flew (well, minus the coffee in the loo), I have found the perfect solution: chocolate-covered espresso beans. Just make sure you don’t eat them by the handful right before a flight. Ask me how I know!

  34. Oh man. You need a little French press mug, pre-packed with excellent ground coffee. Keep it in your hand luggage, ask the flight attendant for hot water, let it brew 6 minutes, press the plunger, and voila! Best coffee short of an espresso machine. (Which aren’t very portable…)

  35. Yeah, that sounds like Logan Airport. You know those beneficial cosmic vortices that make places like Sedona, Arizona all New Age healthful and stuff? Logan Airport has whatever the opposite of those are. Sort of like the Bermuda Triangle. You are lucky you didn’t vanish suddenly from existence.
    Sorry about that.

  36. Oh no! =( How frustrating!
    I’m glad you managed to safely make it on the plane eventually! I’m surprised they wouldn’t let you bring the coffee on board the plane. I thought that once you were past security, you could bring on anything you bought. What a bummer.
    You should come back to LA…remember how good the coffee is down here? And it comes with beignets! *wink, nudge*

  37. You see lovely your just tired.
    If you were me, when you got tired you would get all weepy. You know this about me, it’s true. So the fact you are to tired to drink coffee, is a ……… sign. Or something. Get some sleep. hugs.

  38. Oh, I felt terrible for you reading this thing! So sorry! I hope you get some sleep before Rhinebeck! (See you there!)

  39. I’m laughing so hard people are coming to see what’s wrong with me! I read blog aloud for them. Crying with laughter! Every. One. Of. Us!
    I’m sorry about your coffee, but this is just too, too funny. I commend you on not strangling anyone. Especially that flight attendant that brought you the imitation coffee beverage πŸ˜€

  40. I think its fine to board the plane with coffee since coffee was purchased past security–and everything is safe past security! I do it all the time. Plus, I don’t think the flight attendants would argue that the coffee they serve on board is just brown water disguised as coffee, all the more reason to bring your own. Oh, and I apologize on behalf of Americans for the doofus that made the ‘socialist hell’ comment about Canada. Some of us Americans would love to live in a ‘socialist hell’ resembling Canada. “Socialism” is still a very bad word here for some reason, which is mysterious since alot of services in the U.S. are highly socialist. Um…our government just became a bank!

  41. Oh, my goodness! Days like that should not be allowed to happen! I hope you get absolutely perfect, perfect, perfect coffee wherever you are going next. And I hope that Ugly American gets a painful boil on their keister, right before their eight to twelve hour flight to some country that hates the United States and everything we represent (which wouldn’t be hard to find, btw).

  42. This is why my caffeine source is Mountain Dew. (It’s 8:30 AM and I’m drinking one now.) I can buy it in a container that closes so I don’t spill it and can also slip it into my knitting bag during a trip to the loo. And it doesn’t need to be hot. (Or, in my case, cold. I’ll drink it however I can get it.)

  43. Ya know, not everybody can make me weep tears of silent mirth first thing in the morning. You can! I hope you got some real coffee as soon as you landed!

  44. Sweetheart, I’d be crying on the flight right with you.
    Besides, if you want to buy 4 coffees in a morning, separately, how does the idiot girl at the wicket not know if you are buying them for other people who can’t walk to the wicket themselves?
    You need the perfect emergency can’t-get-any-coffee fix: chocolate coffee beans.
    Anyone out there at your next stop or 2 ready to fix you up?

  45. That is why, when I was a barista, I had near-endless amounts of patience with the early-morning customers; who can expect a person to behave reasonably before they’ve ingested their coffee?

  46. Oh,no!!! That is beyond sad! (I’m sure those tears streaming down my face are from sympathy!)
    Pitiful , isn’t it , how the romance of flying around the country and the reality of flying around the country are sooooo different! As a newbie Harloteer I have been reading the old blogs and ran across your comments about how you looked forward to flying anywhere. Now we dread it! Though I hope next time you’ll give yourself one day off in the middle of your trip to catch up and have a break! This trip is WAYYYY too grueling for any human! At least you have Rhinebeck at the end!:)

  47. Oh, that is one of your funniest posts in a while! When you were in London I should have pointed you towards one of the Kiwi-owned coffee places here (everyone knows Kiwis make the best coffee, in fact maybe you should just go to NZ and sample it at the source)
    So what did that person actually say about Canada??

  48. That’s awful!
    *snort….snicker….guffaw*
    No, really…awful…so glad you made it through!
    There’s a candy called “Pocket Coffee” – it’s chocolate filled with some sort of coffee syrup. I thought it was pretty nasty, but it definitely gives you that much-needed caffeine jolt! Perhaps you should keep an eye out for some, as an emergency back-up.

  49. As wonderful as all your writing is and as much into the knitting as I am I have to admit that your caffeine related airport stories are my favourites.

  50. that right there is one of the reasons I’m glad I put lots of milk in my coffee – if the need arises I can just chug it down like a bad beer. I hope that once you got off the plane, someone took pity on you and handed you a coffee tout suite.

  51. oh my.
    I hope you were able to properly caffeinate with the mediocre coffee they serve on airplanes.
    Brava to you for not being rude back to the whackjob who insulted Canada to you uncaffeinated state.

  52. Oh man, no coffee is bad, but rude Americans…. what can I say, America is wrapped up in election fervor. I guess we figure if our politicians think it’s ok to be nasty to people who are different from them then everyone can be nasty to people that are different as well. I wish I could say that kind of narrow thinking would end after the elections….but I am afraid it won’t. I hope you won’t hold it against the rest of us.

  53. dear stephanie — roflmao while also crying tears of sympathy. but srsly, girl? get some damn sleep sted of worrying about blogging! we’ll all be here when you’ve had your nap out.
    and i join the others who appologize for your ugly-american encounter and wish we lived in “socialist hell” –particularly if mcsame wins next month.

  54. well, I take no political stance, and I wish you better in your next trip here. But to make a smile, you ANIHILATED that radio control blogger—Congrats for another win!

  55. Mercy. So sorry about the coffee, words fail me, I’d be openly weeping also.
    RE: Scene Two… You are so very gracious. As to the person sharing? ffs… and not gracious at all. xox

  56. I, too, thought the coffee spill was coming because then you would still would have been coffee-less but with 2nd degree burns and wet trousers and/or knitting. Enjoy Florida – I hear they have good coffee (maybe with a little somethin’somethin’ added!).

  57. I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating – you are the Stephen Leacock of knitting – even – the Stephen Leacock of blogs. So hilarious and illustrative of the complete absurdity that is sometimes life. xo

  58. LOLOLOLOLOL falling out of my seat laughing so hard! Please I beg you don’t look for another line of work! You make my day!

  59. I have printed this out to keep at my desk as a pick-me-up when I think I am having one of “those days”!
    BTW – Congratulations! I just remembered to check the Blogger’s Choice Awards announcements.
    Best Hobby Blog!
    Still hoping to get to Rhinebeck on Sunday.
    Hope tomorrow is a better day.

  60. My oh my goodness!!! NO coffee for me means everyone suffers. When I travel I always make SURE I have coffee beans in my purse at all times. Yes you have to chew them and sip on cold water BUT you still get your coffee fix but it’s better than nothing . Give it a try.

  61. You deserve a prize for that determination.
    Isn’t it interesting how, even though we’re side by side, there can be so many tiny differences like that? I agree, Canadian coffee is so much better than American coffee. And Mexican coffee is even better than Canadian coffee. We in the U.S. clearly haven’t got it figured out.
    I must admit, though, that the bar-b-q sauce at Canadian McDonalds is so unappealing to me. I eat it on my french fries, a throwback from childhood. At any rate, it’s so funny to me that in Bellingham, WA you get different sauce than in Vancouver. They’re so close together, and it’s the same darn restaurant! Makes me wonder if there’s something in the U.S. version that the FDA shouldn’t have approved…

  62. It’s 7:25am where I am right now, and I sit at my desk with a steaming cup of Timmy’s beside me. I swear, if I could somehow teleport this cup to you, Steph, I would.
    For now, I will drink it and think nice thoughts in your direction.

  63. Hmmm…I think that a special award (of many, many thanks and high praise from all knitters who wish you safe travel) to the knitters of the town you are visiting who make sure that a fresh, hot cup of coffee is given to you as you check out of the hotel in the morning. Extra points if they arrange to hand it to you as you go into your cab.

  64. I laughed, yet felt extreme sympathy at the same time. Just saw a t-shirt on a blog that seems appropriate (you might already own it): Will knit for coffee.

  65. Sincere apologies for the rudeness of my countrymen & women. I’m mortified but unfortunately, not surprised. Remember the old days when people used to whisper their unsolicited opinions behind your back? I miss that.

  66. I’m so glad Rams has already declared hysterics the purest form of empathy. I don’t feel so bad now.

  67. This won’t make you feel better, but I read in a Swedish newspaper yesterday that a new study claims that coffee drinking in certain women with a certain gene (50% chance of having this gene) shrinks breast size–but also your chances of getting breast cancer. Not sure what to do with this information myself.

  68. Almost choked to death on my tea while reading the above! Moral: don’t laugh and drink at the same time.

  69. We love you because of your honesty. Who wouldn’t love someone that says exactly what we all think. And of course I’ve gone to throw out trash and thrown the wrong handful of stuff in. You mean other people don’t do these things. I guess that’s just another way we’re special!, and shame on the employee for not giving you a free cup of coffee!

  70. OH MY GOSH! I cannot stop laughing!!!
    Apparently some of us Americans don’t realize that we have already become an “evil” socialist government with this recent bailout fiasco!! Hey, those people that mock you better shut up – ALL of you have healthcare!!!

  71. Why, why did you throw away the coffee? There had to have been some way for you to hold it, to shove your knitting in a bag temporarily, something! This pains me just to think of it. Why did you snuff out the life of a perfectly healthy cup of coffee?

  72. I didn’t see any USB coffee makers (the USB ports don’t supply enough energy to heat water hot enough, just enough to keep it warm), but there is a single cup coffee maker that fits in a mug. At least then on the airplane you could get water and have your own, higher-quality mug of joe!

  73. Have you ever considered substituting Diet Coke in caffeine emergencies? Some of them have lids and can be chucked in the nearest bag instead if a trash can. Just a thought. . . .

  74. I feel your pain. How can the day start without coffee? You also made me laugh out loud. The coffee girl must have been giving you some interesting looks.

  75. And here I was feeling sorry for myself because when I went to get my first cup this morning I discovered I had done everything needed to prepare it except… switch the thing on. (Seems that if the water stays cold and does not come into contact with the grounds, coffee fails to ensue. Whoo knoo?) Ooof. That at least was easily remedied, so I will shut up now and go count my blessings over another cup, pausing only to wish you hugely improved coffee mojo for the rest of the tour.

  76. It’s a good thing the secretary had left the office when I read this, or she might have called the psych unit to come and get me (work in a hospital). This was hilarious (the story, I mean, not your predicament). I can fully relate! You might want to try getting one of those little tins of coffee flavored candies next time…

  77. oh my. i usually never comment because you always have a freaking load of comments but this was just too good.
    i sat here at work laughing through the entire thing whilst, dare i say it? drinking my coffee.

  78. Poor Steph. And, here I thought your new publicist was more humane than your last one.
    Airports are hell. Fact:

  79. That sucks! I have to say, you are a great and entertaining writer! you should stick with it. πŸ™‚

  80. Oh man. That’s horrid. I know it’s after the fact and when you haven’t had your morning cuppa your brain cells are not quite up to snuff, but did you consider asking for a cup of ice with that coffee? Just a thot for next time, because we hate to see you suffer.

  81. People who fear good healthcare suck. Ok, that was unnecessarily harsh. I apologize. You were kinder than I could have been. Wish I’d been standing behind you in line though.
    I’m off to drink a coffee on your behalf. Who me? Rationalize?

  82. Very funny escapade!
    However…It made me SO angry to hear about that guy that thought he had a right to point a judgmental finger at YOUR country’s governmental system. Like his/ours is SO much better. Sheesh.
    I’m seriously thinking about moving to Canada.

  83. I hate to tell you how closely I resemble this hilarious (only in an empathetic way) story! I am happy, however, to offer up my own means of addressing the same issue. I have found the perfect coffee travel mug with handle and good seal. Here’s my process. Go through security with the mug empty…there’s no ban on empty containers! Go to coffee bar/wicket/kiosk/whatever and buy coffee. Get to a seat. Pour coffee into mug — make the pour a “long” one by starting to pour (to make sure your aim is good) and then extending the arm so the purchased cup is high above the mug. (The extra “air” cools the coffee to drinking temperature or at least gets it close.) Seal up the mug. It’s now more durable and less spillable and I can tuck it in my bag without worrying about leakage if I make a stop at the WC and have a sudden boarding experience. To be more green, you can usually get the coffee vendors to fill the mug directly, but then you lose the opportunity to cool the coffee down with the long pour method — at the insulation of the mug will make your wait for drinkability even longer.
    I must admit I love getting the envious stares on the airplane while sitting sipping my coffee while others have to wait for the beverage service. Does this make me a bad person?

  84. Deeepest sympathies on your travails. It truly sounds like a travel adventure that I would have. But what a story—marvelous laughter lightening this dreary office.
    Cheers & a wish that you are plied with appropriate liquids on your next stop!

  85. Someday, over a pint and some lace, I will have to tell you the story of how I lost a cup of coffee, while running for the TRAX in Salt Lake City.
    It involved a tree.

  86. Steph, honey, you can take the coffee on the plane. I know, its hard to get your stuff into the overhead with coffee in your hands – the trick is flipping down your tray table, setting down the coffee, then stowing your bags. I’ve also had complete strangers offer to be the steward of coffee to accomplish the same tasks.
    Hope your flights are running fine – see you in NY.

  87. I was feeling all pitiful this morning because my day was starting out so crappy (woke up 45 minutes late, cat puked on my favorite shoes, no time to stop for coffee, boss is listening to Barry Manilow…) but I’m feeling much better about life now. I’m sorry about your dreadful coffee misadventures, but thank you for reminding me that it could always be worse.

  88. Well, I laughed until I cried reading this. Thank you for suffering both the stupid-opinionated-terribly rude American and the anti-coffee black hole you were obviously in at the airport, all in the name of knitterly goodness and laughter. Your devoted fans thank you!

  89. Your socialist hell sounds pretty nice to me, living in a pseudo-republic just this side of a theocracy.
    Get some rest!

  90. I loved this!! It was a great start to my Friday…this article, my coffee and the peace & quiet to laugh out loud.
    By the way, the American….he don’t know. What I can say though, is the folks in Seattle always smile when we tell them we are from Vancouver, and we always smile when they come up here and say they are from Seattle. A whole lot of love right there.

  91. I’m not sure if this has been mentioned above, but in the US at least, you can bring drinks onto the plane if you purchased them in the terminal. So the next time you find yourself buying coffee at the airport super early, and they call your flight, don’t throw it away! Drink heartily and bring it with you, no one will look twice.

  92. Stephanie, that was hands down your most hilarious post ever! SO like me before I’ve had my coffee! I remember beelining to the nearest coffee stand in the Atlanta airport at 6:00 am (after leaving Philadelphia at an hour so ungodly I cannot speak of it) and begging the barista, ‘Please, I don’t care what you give me as long as it has CAFFEINE!’ The guy next to me cracked up laughing. I took a sip. Ahhhh, bliss! Nirvana! My everlovin’ husband took one look at me and said to our daughter, Mommy’s happy now!
    And don’t you just love when strangers feel compelled to point out the most stupid things to you before you’ve had your coffee?

  93. Oh, my. I almost wept myself. I always keep a little packet of excedrin in my bag for these caffeine emergencies. I’m (dog forbid) coffeeless, but at least I don’t get the headache. I need to pour some coffee now.

  94. I laughed out loud at the fourth coffee part, and was baffled at the (presumably) U.S. citizen offering dire financial predictions about your country. We’re making financial news of our own these days, and not in a good way. Coincidentally, my husband has banished me and our baby daughter to the grandparents while he gets off the juice (coffee) this weekend. It’s better for everyone, as he’s both chatty and grumpy when out of coffee. Your post made my morning funnier, so I’m definitely wishing you a lovely cup of coffee now and all mornings:)

  95. Ow. I know it’s not nice that I laughed so hard my ribs hurt, but I did. I love me a big, open top canvas bag for just such emergencies. Drop in the knitting/half-done crossword puzzle, what have you, and head for the security gate, carry-on handle in one hand, coffee grasped firmly upright in the other, and your passport (possibly with ID) grasped just as firmly between your chin and clavicle. Ummm, with big knitting-containing canvas bag slung across shoulder, of course. The gate crew won’t mind!

  96. Unfortunately, this country is still positively (or would that be negatively?) – we’ll just say absolutely – filled with people who insist on testing Einstein’s theory and opening their mouth to prove their ignorance and idiocy. I’m so sorry you ran into one. I wish you rivers of freshly-brewed elixir, from the most perfectly-roasted beans!

  97. Stephanie,
    I think you should buy a small thermos. There are sleek ones called the bullet thermos or something like that. Take the empty thermos with you to the airport. Buy a cuppa at a coffee stand after the security part. Pour your purchased coffee into the thermos and close it up tight so that you won’t spill it and can pour yourself a small bit to enjoy while you get on with the rest of the airport business. As long as you don’t throw out or leave behind the thermos, you’re set.
    Good luck!

  98. Congratulations!! You won the Blogger’s Choice “Best Hobby Blog” award!!!
    The guy with the remote control toys wasn’t even close… 646 to his 225… you rock!!!
    We nee to get you some sort of portable coffee maker specifically designed for making coffee in an airport. That would probably be best…

  99. Loved the comment post…lamented your dismay. Coffee should be mandated as an available drug on all airplanes as the point of boarding! This…from a tea drinker!

  100. OH. DEAR. GOD.
    *hug*
    Truly, a horror story befitting Halloween…I’m glad you survived. I would have been hysterical.

  101. Oh boy, that was a quality read! I apologize for laughing at your misfortune (and also for the moronity of my fellow countryman) but thank you for the story, it gave me a good chuckle!

  102. Oh my! I’m an admitted coffee addict, which is why I never travel without a caffeine tablet stashed in my purse – or I’ll carry a tin of caffeinated mints, the kind where three mints = one cuppa joe. It doesn’t replace the pleasure of perfect hot coffee, but does tend to keep one sane in a coffee-less situation.

  103. Oh man I feel your pain. Great read as always. (Does it make me a bad reader to tell you I had a Timmies double double at my side while on the computer?)

  104. BIG SIGH about the coffee issues.
    I vote for a really good metal travel mug with a close-fitting lid, or a small thermos.
    You can take it through airport security empty, then fill it with coffee, do up the lid tightly, and tuck it in your backpack if you need free hands for boarding.
    Also works well for cold water if you are already fully caffeinated.

  105. Good thing you weren’t flying USAir who would have charged you $2 for their cup of brown water!

  106. I hope your day got better, I think it is time the airports let go of no liquids.
    and sorry about the outcome of the election. have a great weekend!

  107. I have no idea what United does to their coffee but it is truly terrible. I keep hoping that one of these days they’ll learn how to brew it properly.

  108. Most airlines in the US allow you to take coffee onto the airplane because they are bought in the terminal, thus being deamed “non-threatening liquid”.

  109. I feel bad for laughing – this sort of thing is only funny either when it happens to other people or well after the fact (when you’ve gotten enough of both sleep and caffeine).
    On the bright side, at least you didn’t throw away your knitting.
    And to follow up on Lisa RR’s comment – I’m a huge fan of the small Zojirushi thermos (http://www.rei.com/product/744303) that I have. It holds about two cups of coffee, has some of the best insulation I’ve ever encountered, and seals wonderfully (as in, it holds a vacuum). I’ve never once had it leak on me.

  110. I’m glad that no one else was in the office when I was reading your post. It would have been difficult to explain why I was laughing out loud since I was supposedly writing an explanation for the $2.8 million (US) loss on the income statement this quarter – not usually a cause for mirth.
    Rest assured that we’re laughing with you, not at you. And as for criticizing your country at this point in time, the adage about people living in glass houses not throwing stones comes to mind…

  111. Oh my! What a story! I would have gotten on the plane with the coffe and fought anyone who said otherwise!!! Glad your safe! Have fun a Rhinebeck this weekend!!

  112. As someone who has a 12-14 cup-a-day habit, what you have just described sounds to me like a new form of torture. Please don’t let evil governments have a copy of this story.

  113. I am sorry for your horrible coffe experience but we are all grateful for the funny story. I would have loved to have seen the coffee clerk’s face when you kept returning.

  114. Oh horrors!! Never leave home or hotel without cup of coffee. Drink it while you are getting ready. OK, I heard on Kelly Petkin’s Knitpicks blog that there is some sort of mini coffee grinder that fits on your cup and then you use a little baby french press. Not sure how you get the water hot!! Obviously this is for the hotel.
    Marsha

  115. I know this is probably an awful suggestion, but I’m going to make it anyway. Have you thought of adulterating your coffee? With the addition of enough cream (I know, I know, your coffee is now blonde) your coffee becomes a drinkable temperature much faster. Now all you have to do is stomach drinking a blonde drink.
    On another subject I’ve been thinking about your question posted a few days ago in relation to Hello Teach. I believe it would look really quite nice over a white long sleeved top or over a white turtle neck. This probably won’t get you all the way through the depths of winter, but might allow you to wear it a bit longer.
    Melissa
    PS Did you have to make Hello Teach and have it look so go? I had managed to set it aside. Now I don’t know if I can. This is not really very kind of you. Or maybe it, who knows.
    PSS Good luck tomorrow morning with your coffee

  116. On behalf of all polite American citizens out there who think Canada is a fine and lovely nation, I hereby apologize for the rudeness you experienced. I am deeply sorry, and ashamed for them.

  117. Who could blame you for multiple coffee mishaps when you hadn’t had any caffeine yet? It’s totally understandable. I love your coffee stories. They make me feel better about my own relationship with coffee. By the way, you and the wonderful knitblogging community in general have inspired me to start my own blog. I invite anyone reading the comments to stop by and say hi!

  118. I was at the Boston airport a while back, at some ungodly hour and there were NO COFFEE SHOPS open.. I was stunned beyond belief…. NO COFFEE at the airport? I can get beer at 6:00 am in Frankfurt but I can’t get coffee in Boston at 4:00 am???? Eventually a shop opened and I got that wonderful elixer of life, but like you had only a few seconds to guzzle as much as I could before boarding UNITED.

  119. I am so sorry. I am a tea drinker and I felt sorry for you having to lose all that coffee unintentionally. Why are some days that frustrating? I sincerely hope everyone who comes to see you at your next stop brings you a cup of java. Peace, love and much caffeine!

  120. Oh Steph. Your tours are getting more horrible, not less. Perhaps it is time for a very firm word with your publicist.

  121. Knowing how I am without my morning starbucks, I feel for you. But that is really freakin’ funny – thanks for the morning pick-me-up!

  122. BUY CAFFEINE TABLETS!!
    This is what I did when I was in medical school and so sleep deprived that I could barely keep breathing without artificial stimulation. Then I realized that getting up early enough to make or buy coffee before rounds was actually cutting into my sleep time and making my sleep deprivation worse. I bought a box of NoDoz tablets, and on mornings when an extra 15 minutes of sleep was essential, just took the tablets after brushing my teeth. Yes, I missed the warm aroma and sensual pleasure of actual coffee, but I at least was awake, not irritable and could focus my brain cells.
    Now, I’m decaffeinated.
    Anyway, just a suggestion as a backup position.

  123. I feel your pain. Sorry to hear about your coffee tribulations. I know it doesn’t help, but if you ever happen to be in Waterloo (Ontario) and coffeeless, call me anytime. I’ll set you up!

  124. You are kidding, right?
    Just in case, why wait in line to board a plane? Stay seated, drink the coffee, then go directly to your seat. If the seating is assigned and you don’t need the overhead bins (big if) your seat will be there. Decent coffee is hard enough to come by. No way do you drink the in flight coffee. Thanks for your post, I needed the laugh, sorry about your day.

  125. I’ve never posted before, but I am moved to comment: Woe. Woe is you and your coffeelessness.

  126. Thank you ! I am knitting an afghan for my stepdaughter … I’m into the second ball – of 10 and for the second time have to rip out because of a stupid mistake in the simple vine lace pattern … where is my mind ????? I was upset, depressed even, until I read your blog …some days are just constant frustrations … if you can buy 4 cups of coffee and have none to drink I can rip out a second time in order to have a project I’m proud of !
    Paula

  127. Next time someone rags on Canada, respond sweetly in the Southern way, “Bless your heart!” This is code for “Anyone you can see you’re idiot and I’m not going to waste my time on you.”
    –your friend in Tennessee

  128. Forgot to mention…. Don’t freak out, but the way I get caffeinated in a hurry is to suck down a large iced coffee on the train on the way to work. Not the same as hot, I know, but it goes down almost as fast as an IV.
    Of course, it increases your need to use to appalling airplane bathroom (mentally weighs pros & cons) …
    Yeah, espresso beans are probably better.

  129. I *completely* understand…i’m not human without my coffee either…which creates a problem since i’m abstaining from caffiene (or at least trying to) while breast feeding. needless to say, i’m a zombie!!

  130. Happened to be drinking my morning coffee while reading your blog. This is becoming a daily ritual as I find that your blog is a much gentler way to start the day then diving right into the newspaper. I am in awe of your perseverance(coffee, knitting) and hope that both efforts go forward smoothly from here.

  131. I don’t even drink coffee and I feel supremely sad and frustrated on your behalf! Hope you got some great knitting done on the flight!

  132. Soo sorry about the coffeelessness. In a few months this will probably be funny, but I would have been gibbering & twitching while looking about for the candid camera.
    P.S. Apologies for the stinko manners of the ignoramous (I’ll assume they were U.S. citizen) who felt they had to share. Strange things happening down here these days.

  133. I am including a tin of Penguinmints with the homebrew waiting for you at the Tsarina’s booth at Rhinebeck. Penguinmints are allowed on planes and are a wonderful sugar-free source of caffeine. These are chocolate flavor, so it’s a bonus.
    I apologize for giving Abby beer in front of you at SOAR. I did not know you would be there, or I would have brought you some too.

  134. I’m laughing so hard while feeling so sorry for you. I can just imagine the clerk! In my T-shirt drawer I have a shirt that says: “Instant Human: Just Add Coffee.” I think you need one, too.

  135. Oh, my dear sweet woman! Being repeatedly teased by coffee is much worse than going without.
    While abroad, I spent 11 days without proper coffee. You would think they drank the good stuff where the coffee grows, but no. They do not. They drink instant coffee. I just posted a picture of a coffee tree on my blog. At the time, I strongly considering taking the not quite ripe beans and sucking on them.

  136. So sorry Stephanie! But… if these things didn’t happen to you as they always seem to, what would we have to laugh about? You never disappoint! Thanks for making my day, yet again! πŸ™‚
    P.S. – Hope you got your coffee after the flight!

  137. Oh, Girl! *cyber-hug* and “cyber-coffee”… And as for the person in Scene 2 – what an arse! I would have had a difficult time restraining a snarky remark even if I’d had a cup of coffee beforehand. I hope all the knitterly love you experienced while down here was more than enough to outweigh the rudeness of such a comment. And please, keep writing – you totally rock at this. Peace. πŸ™‚

  138. I laughed until I cried, then I felt guilty about all the laughing.
    Sorry. Must not laugh at other people’s pain. Especially the under-caffeinated.
    πŸ˜‰

  139. A number of others have already said it, but I too have to apologize for the nitwit you felt it necessary to insult your country (and display supreme ignorance at the same time–not surprisingly.) Honestly, we aren’t all this stupid.
    And while I am a confirmed tea drinker, I feel your pain. It might not make you feel any better–especially when coffee-less, but I am lucky to ever find a decent cup of tea in this country, unless I bring my own. Even then, you tend to get lukewarm water. Um, no.
    In my own socialist hell, everyone would have access to good coffee and tea at all times. Oh, and health care, education, housing, etc, etc.

  140. My laughter at your post caused my 4-year-old to exclaim worriedly, “Mom! Stop laughing!”

  141. Did you know that the term “dateline” actually includes the location of the event? (Like dateline: Boston, way early in the AM) It used to actually *just* mean the place, but it has since evolved because it does have the word “date” in it–and that’s just confusing. (It’s like the “wherefore art thou, Romeo? actually meaning “WHY are you Romeo?” Don’t get me started…)
    (You once were shocked that there were so many teachers that read your blog, and yet no one offers a correction when they see it!)

  142. Poor Stephanie! I think coffee in airports should be freely dispensed, especially during the early morning hours. When I rule the world (which I’m certain will happen one day) I will make it so. Until then, I am sorry for your loss of coffee.

  143. Dearest caffeine-fiber addicted blog-goddess.
    Canada appears much more attractive with the thought of McCain/Palin (Warshington noo-q-lir mavericks-help me). There’s something to be said for socialism. I’ve already told my husband that we’re moving to his homeland of Sweden if those yahoodles are voted in. Canada, however, is a heck of a lot closer to us!
    As for the caffeine consumption. One should not need to feel sheepish for supporting the economy through bean consumption. Some people are addicted to heroin.. and some to caffeine. Caffeine is neither illegal, and relatively inexpensive. While both can make you a bit twitchy, the latter rarely ever makes one walk the streets for extra income to support the habit.
    Bottoms-up.
    If you’re ever down near Southern CT there’s a free massage and large cup of real, strong, Swedish coffee waiting for you!

  144. Oh you poor thing! Don’t forget that there are lots of caffeinated sodas on planes that are usually in much better shape than the coffee. I know, I know–it’s not the same. But desperate times call for desperate measures.

  145. I’m confused, since when can you not take your coffee (or any other beverage) with you on the plane? I fly United often and frequently take my coffee, soda, water, whatever with me as I board the plane (obviously purchased after going through security). Sorry you had a bad morning though.

  146. “especially when someone in airport line sees the Canadian flag on my suitcase and takes the time out of their own busy line waiting to tell me that I live in a socialist hell that is doomed to failure”
    WHAT?
    I can only imagine that such a person was raised in a BARN by wolverines.

  147. Wish I had known this before last night and would have brought you a cup from the local roaster just down the street from your Jacksonville hotel. You were great last night, so I guess you got coffee somewhere.

  148. I feel for you. My heart ached when I read on and on – I need my coffee in the morning – just cannot function without it. Bless your little heart – you made it!

  149. Poor, dear harlot, a morning without coffee is barbaric. I vote for the coffee press/mug suggested (waaay) at the top. This way you are guaranteed delicious coffee instead of risking what passes for coffee in the airport.

  150. Oh, poor baby! I would have been beside myself after no coffee for that long! I hope you’ve gotten some good brew.

  151. Oh goodness…I feel your pain, just insert tea for coffee. A colleague who travels a lot does the following–fresh cup in one hand to either drink (or in your case toss/lose/cry into!) pre- or during boarding, and then a post-security bottle of iced coffee for the flight. Can’t say if it works or not caffeine-wise, but at least the lid would be tight and wouldn’t “goo up” your knitting..and it fits in a pocket!
    As a Canuck living in the US, I just accept that comments such as the one you endured are based on jealousy….we have screw-ups in our health system, fear not, but at least there’s never a bill.

  152. OMG, Steph. That’s so awful (and funny). In the next life, coffee will be a god-given right and you’ll be able to take it anywhere.

  153. Have coffee maker installed on premise at job. Job no where NEAR as interesting as your coffee-less morning. I will make you a bazillion cups and send them via the world wide web. I think I have a bazillion cups to send…might run out at 100, though- not entirely sure…
    On another note- I too jump on BSG Protest. Will finish the Charade sock #1 this evening and WILL NOT cast on its sibling. Can I start another pair and then refuse to knit it’s sibling too? Until BSG starts again? Is that allowed in this protest?

  154. That’s what I call really tired! You poor soul. I will have to make sure you get some of those more portable coffee substitutes very soon – there are several chocolate/coffee items that actually contain some real coffee and its attendant caffeine that can be carried in one’s purse or knitting bag without danger.
    I have fallen asleep with knitting in hand many times (I work nights). Fortunately I have never irretrievably dropped any stitches – although I have dropped the whole project on the floor a few times. Not as noticeable as when I have done the same thing with a book – then everyone knows!

  155. Steph,
    If you’d told this coffee story in Jacksonville last night, you’d have had us crying instead of laughing. I really can’t imagine how you survived the day and evening, but it was certainly a pleasure to hear you and to get a chance to chat a minute as you signed books.
    Barb

  156. {{{{Virtual hugs and pat pats}}}} Oh, honey…you poor thing. My coffee story is shorter – Driving to work one day in May of last year I hit a deer, after already getting myself together for the day and getting two reluctant teenagers moving. I was distressed, of course (Bambi was quite young and I really really hate running over any living thing in the road). Dinged up the new car mightily (deer number one was larger and hit in March)and of course more sadly and importantly killed the poor wee fawn. To compound things the officer I called to report the accident to pointed out that my tags were out of date (by about two weeks…husband…sigh) Managed to make it to work only about 20 minutes late (I work at school…people have to cover until you are there). I park, distressed, late, etc only to discover that I had also left the travel mug of my expensive Swedish coffee at home. I come in to the office, make my apologies to the staff and my principal after briefly explaining the deer incident. And then added “and I left my coffee at home”. My principal said “So which is the bigger problem, the car or the coffee?” Answer “The COFFEE of COURSE!!!”

  157. Been there, done something pretty darn similar (although I skipped the coffee in the can part and went with leaving it on the counter for someone else to take.

  158. Well, bless your heart, as we say in the South. I am sending virtual Swiss chocolate, a microbrewery beer, a gigantic cup of Sumatra blend, and hand-dyed sock weight your way, you poor thing! Thank you, Thank you, Thank you though for making me laugh until my sides hurt and the tears rolled down my cheeks! It has been one of “those days” and I needed a “side- splitter” more than I can express.

  159. I apologize for my countryman’s criticism of your country. Airports are difficult enough without having to deal with things like that, esp. as they are things totally out of your control even if you wanted to change them. You should have said; “I’m so glad you pointed this out to me; I’ll fix it as soon as I get home.” πŸ™‚

  160. Too freakin’ funny!
    I admit that I probably would have rationalized the retrieval of cup #2 – such life-giving power could surely smite a few measly loo-germs? Plus the virtual certainty that the bemused coffee clerk would be the one to find it.
    I am seriously debating the ethics of wishing misfortune upon you to provide fodder for the hilarious storytelling by which you earn your caffeine. (No, I’m not really that mean. But tempted, yes.)

  161. Might I suggest you purchase some chocolate-covered coffee beans as soon as possible, and tuck them into your bag with your knitting, to stave off the chance of you being coffee (caffeine) deprived on the rest of your whirlwind tour.

  162. Ah, finally a reason to love my job. Coffee maker installed at location. Who knew?
    *Love* the Kinnear clip on YouTube.

  163. I hope your day got better and you found a good source of caffeine!
    If you are ever out our way again, stay with us. We will ensure you get good espresso (from our machine) and vegetarian food with *actual* vegetables in it! Oh and good beer, maybe even Australian stuff…

  164. Yup, that’s me. This morning I almost walked into traffic outside Bay St. Video, coz I hadn’t yet had enough from the giant cup I was carrying (after being warned by the guy in BSV: “look both ways before you cross the street!”, as he saw I clearly hadn’t yet had enough coffee).
    Also, you should start drinking coffee WITH milk; it’s easier to guzzle in an emergency, which this clearly was.

  165. Now – if you’d only had a cup of coffee you would’ve been awake enough to avoid all these problems. I’m so sorry about your awful morning – but you did (as always) make me smile. I am off to buy your new book this weekend at my local bookstore!

  166. Brilliant! Well, I mean, the writing. I LOLed and scared some folks. So sorry about the coffee. And that my people (I’m assuming this was US citizen) keep being obnoxious to you about politics. Thank you for your graciousness, with or without coffee.

  167. Chocolate covered espresso beans (dark chocolate preferred) are an ESSENTIAL travel item. I also keep a supply on my desk. In a lovely potter container labeled Attitude Adjustments.

  168. Thank you for the best laugh today. I am not sure I would have had the courage to go back even the third time. Sending you a knitter’s coffee medal.
    You are INSPIRATION!!!

  169. “(You once were shocked that there were so many teachers that read your blog, and yet no one offers a correction when they see it!)”
    Even more polite people than teachers — though the overlap is huge.

  170. That is absolutely too funny!!! The only thing that could have made it funnier would have been seeing it.

  171. I have always personally felt that if you in fact killed someone before you had coffee in the morning that you could not be held responsible. I feel for you, I have my own overly clutzy moments. Many more than I would like to admit. I once accidently dropped my keys in a mailbox!

  172. Stephanie, I wish there was someone I could share you with. The folks I’m around who are into beer and who actually know who David Tennant is, regard knitting with polite vagueness. Thank you for the delights of changeringing scarves, the Maritimes and London. And wooly daleks (I have one too!)

  173. I am weeping in my chair right now, with what used to be tears of laughter. But because I only have a few weeks left of this pregnancy and my hormones are raging, any extreme emotion is likely to bring out another, so here I sit blubbering on like an idiot, barely able to type. Luckily, the overly large belly has me, ehrm, somewhat “committed” to my current placement on the couch, or I likely would’ve fallen off during this attack, giving me another range of emotions to contend with.
    Thank you for this very-much-needed respite…

  174. that story has sitcom written all over it. or at least an SNL skit! i would have loved to see the coffee girl’s face the fourth time around!

  175. Hey Steph, I know this may look a bit like a pipe bomb, but a good leakproof coffee mug would save some of that coffee: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B000RHDG7K/ref=ord_cart_shr?_encoding=UTF8&m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&v=glance
    One handed operation baby. Can totally shut it and shove it into a bag. To take it through security, just empty it out and put the mug in a bin to show your honesty.
    I use a tea tumbler from this company http://www.familyonboard.com/liquid_solutions_travel_mugs_coffee_tea.html and you could definitely pack a few coffee pods to pop in there, just get hot water. Not one handed but also clearly shows that there’s just liquids inside and non-threatening.
    Seriously, next one to visit a Harlot Signing- this might be a nice gift.
    Dump the liquids, remember the mug so you can get more. ‘Cause yeah, the mug costs more than the coffee (though not at the rate you were going)

  176. My heart goes out to you for the coffee-less morning! And I will add my apology to the others you’ve gotten for having to deal with the rude American idiot.

  177. I so feel for your coffeelessness (Not a real word, but you get the idea) at the airport!
    Also adding my genuine apologies for the rude person that slammed Canada. I’ve had that same “enlightenment” thrown my way about the US. It’s just rude, unneccessary & fosters ill will.
    Think I’ll go put some coffe on now…. ;o )

  178. Clearly, this book writing thing is driving you crazy! Step away from two book tours in one calendar year! Good luck with the rest of this tour and I hope you come close enough (Maryland, I missed you in the spring:( ) for me to get to meet you!

  179. You’re more civilized than I. If I’d heard the boarding call at that moment, I would have stood next to the trash can sipping coffee as fast as my scalded taste buds would allow until I saw that the line of people were nearly all boarded. Then I’d sprint to what was left of the line and be happy to be the last one on the plane. You really must have been tired to not think of *that*, LOL! πŸ™‚

  180. Oh, to read the barrista’s blog. I bet she’ll be dining out on that one for weeks. ;>
    “No really, and then the SAME lady came back for a FOURTH cup of coffee, like, two minutes later…”
    Here’s hoping the next airplane trek has good coffee karma.

  181. I feel your pain. If you ever find yourself in Sedona, Arizona, please connect with me: I will make you any type of coffee you want [A former resident of Seattle, I have 4 coffee makers, and great yarn stash] and then we will go on the deck with our knitting and enjoy it and the views. [London] Tubesock Patti.

  182. Oh man that’s bad. And I thought I had a run of bad luck today: I went to see a movie and dashed into the bathroom before the movie started. In a rush, I tried to save time by turning off my cellphone while washing my hands. I set the phone down on the side of the sink, but the solid silver area turned out to be a wastebasket, and my phone tumbled in. So I reached to grab my cell out of the trash, knocking my purse into the adjoining sink, which triggered the automatic water, which soaked my purse. But I got to my seat on time!

  183. I am so glad to know I am not the only person who does things like this.
    I hope you finally got a really good cup of coffee at the other end of the flight.

  184. I can totally relate to the exhaustion that leads to such behavior. Hope you get some real sleep tonight.

  185. having to cope while coffeeless is not a Good Thing, but…I take my coffee onto the plane. Is that a West Coast thing? I’ve not had problems with it at all.

  186. LORD you are funny. Bless your heart.
    I hope there is caffeine running though your veins by now, wherever you are.

  187. This may well be my new favorite blog enry πŸ˜€ Still laughing hours after the first time I read it!

  188. Sorry about the rude comments made to you about Canada. Please know that most Americans are so closed minded and rude.

  189. Oh darling–I hope you got some coffee at last and a nap and some knitting and some comfort. (And I hope the rude American gets stranded in an unfriendly country without any coffee at all. How inexcusable.)

  190. Totally random comment that is not at all related to your blog post.
    Just wondering if you have turned on your heat yet… I’m freezing and hoping that I may have beaten you? I use the oven in the morning to heat up the house and run a small space heater… but no furnace. How ’bout you? How ’bout your brother?
    Just want to know where I stand on this yearly battle πŸ™‚
    Kristyn

  191. I laughed until I cried, then I read it to hubby on the couch and we laughed together. Great story. Sad, but great.

  192. I do have to say that after the security checkpoint, you should have been homefree with your coffee-while-boarding. I’ve taken food and drinks bought at the airport on the plane and had no difficulties. Regardless, *hugs* for your difficulties.

  193. Oh my goodness! This is THE funniest thing I’ve read in functioning memory! Quite an accomplishment after reading the girl from auntie’s last post about the “drum carder of destiny”*…which I thought was the funniest thing I’d read in functioning memory. I wish I could have seen the coffee clerk’s face on that fourth try….
    Thanks SO much for the laugh.
    *http://www.girlfromauntie.com/journal/index.php/2008/the-other-5-is-made-of-love/

  194. My apologies for the jerkface abusing your country on what was clearly a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day (to quote Judith Viorst).

  195. Oh my goodness….okay, first off, I think the clerk could have given you a free coffee at some point considering your story, secondly, I feel your pain. I followed my fave band for 4 days and 4 cities and the only thing that got me through the whole thing was my morning coffee. I did not care what brand or how long the line or how much it cost, I just needed it to keep moving. Without that blessed caffeine I might have just slept through my flight announcements. Early mornings just aren’t manageable without the magic elixir that is coffee. I now know what to get you next time I see you! Coffee cards!

  196. First congratulations on getting through security with out jumping down fellow line stander’s throat all sprawled out for the comments on your fine country. Personally I’m looking forward to Nov. 5th when all this is history.
    Second Hilarious! I’ve seen my DH go through similar in search of caffeine. May I echo Rachelrr’s(?) suggestion of an empty locking top mug to put your coffee in after getting through security? Or you should make your coffee purchase your absolutely no-doubt-about-it priority once it is purchased. No pee stops, no trash removal, not even boarding calls. There are usually 2 or more calls before you really need to even think about getting in line and so finish you coffee while you watch the line-lemmings and use that time for a quick bathroom run. So what if you have to make two over weight business people haul out so you can claim your window seat. You won’t have to ask them to let you out during the flight and that should be a plus.
    Hope your coffee/caffeine/yarncrawl/book tour goes more smoothly from now on. Look forward to reading the new book which I just got last night at my LYS. None of your tour stops are anywhere near me and I couldn’t wait for next year’s sock camp to buy it then. Hugs and Happy Knitting, Alice

  197. They make these totally amazing coffee things where it uses an exothermic reaction to generate the heat required to heat the coffee. Then again, you can’t go through the security with it. Of course not. X_X I’m sorry about the coffee.

  198. Btw, you totally should have gone back for the coffee in the bathroom. It totally is still drinkable. I’m also young and a college student, so every penny matters. If you forget it in the bathroom again, just pop back to the coffee place and get a new lid. That’s it. XD

  199. Ooh, you poor thing. I so admire your persistence at getting coffee again, and again, and again. Coffeelessness is no state to be in while awake!

  200. That is too funny. And proves that coffee is indeed a necessary factor for proper functions of life. A fact which I have been asserting for years.
    I’m appalled by the comment you received on your nationality. Usually such malice is reserved for Americans while travelling abroad. Your grace in handling the comment was amazing. Usually I tell people to eff off!

  201. I want to feel sorry for you, but I can’t. Coffee is bad for me in the “where is my epipen” sort of way. I am forever annoyed when I get told I have to pay into the coffee/tea kitty when I drink neither and always provide my own liquid refreshments, yet they never buy what I can drink. Double standard, I tell ya!
    Chocolate has enough caffeine to keep me going and generally is safe for me to eat. Maybe you should try the chocolate covered espresso beans. But then again, you might not like the shakes that they might give you. They will get through security though. Maybe.

  202. Have you tried chocolate covered coffee beans? Eat a few and it can pick you up; eat too many and it could mess up your stomach. I sometimes eat two beans in the afternoon if I feel very sleepy.

  203. What a waste of coffee! So sorry it went to waste, you must try harder next time. So funny though!! πŸ™‚

  204. Currently drinking freshly ground Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee in complete sympathy – no, I’m not laughing, no, really…

  205. That is TOO funny. I read this to my husband and he was laughing too.
    I’m about to leave for Rhinebeck!!! Hope I bump into you – I’ll let you rub my belly!??

  206. May I suggest carrying a bar of very dark chocolate? I KNOW these have a lot of caffeine in them, because I gave up chocolate 3 weeks ago after thinking it was part of my problem falling asleep at night (it was) and almost had a nervous breakdown on the second day without it. So I know it works. Plus it tastes really good. I recommend Lindt 85%.
    Mary E

  207. Oh, you poor thing! No one should have to jump through so many hoops just to get their morning Cup o’ Joe.
    Your description was priceless. I don’t think I have laughed that long and hard (in sympathy) while reading a blog in aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaages! Here’s hoping you have gotten a decent cup by now. =-)

  208. This makes me double proud- especially when someone in airport line sees the Canadian flag on my suitcase and takes the time out of their own busy line waiting to tell me that I live in a socialist hell that is doomed to failure.
    I don’t think that they should say anything and especially the way things are going on here in the US. For one, that is so not acceptable as a worker in that position. Not professional at all. Not that they are in any kind of a professional job but none the less that is soooooooooooo rude.
    Sorry for the actions of an ignorant American.

  209. In my country (the Netherlands) we have coffeesongs,coffeesweets and of course all kinds of coffee. Work comes to a standstill at coffee-pause and we had over 30 years ago a non-written rule at our office “no nagging before coffee!” I agree, I laughed till my ribcage hurt. But I am sorry for you, try a thermos filled after checkpoint filled with coffee, coffeesweets or coffee flavoured Dutch or Canadian chocolate (did not like the American chocolate, which somehow resembled Russian chocolate, I am too used to Dutch I think. Try sleeping during flights, don’t exhaust yourself by staying awake to long. Happy touring and Stephanie, the coffeeseller at the airport probably thought only this: “My, she likes my coffee” πŸ˜‰

  210. re: coffee too hot to drink. Step 1. Buy coffee. Step 2. Go to the self serve soda machine. In the airport. this may be in another place of business. So be it. Step 3. Set cup of coffee on counter next to machine. Step 4. Put one hand under the ice dispenser. Step 5. With quick motions push ice dispenser with other hand, catching ice with first hand. Step 6. Put small amount in the cup. Stir with straw. Taste test. Add more ice as needed. Step 7. Put unused ice on grate under ice dispenser. Throw away straw. ( Dry hands ) You may print this to consult during periods of sleep deprivation.

  211. I have a coffe Fairy who comes and makes my coffee for me every morning. (my 10 year old daughter) she just started doing this on her own! and it stuck! go figure!
    And yes.. since having coffee in foriegn parts.. nothing here compares!

  212. Some strange American in a desperately boring line has the nerve to tell you you’re living in a socialist hell doomed to failure (remind me again, how long has Canada existed?) and you’re worried what the coffee place will think???

  213. I have two words for you: Coffee Nibs. They have saved more lives than….well, it’s a lot of lives. My husband’s in particular and Customs Agents and TSA in general. We never travel with out them. I believe that it should be compulsory for TSA to offer coffee on the other side of the security.

  214. Oh man! I am so, so sorry–mostly about the coffee, because I think after the *second* time I would huddle on a hard airport chair and sob uncontrollably. But I’m also sorry for that random person in line–people are inexplicably rude sometimes.

  215. My heart goes out to you. So embaressed about the rude person! I’m afraid there will always be narrowminded ____ in the world, but I wish you didn’t have to bear it. As for traveling and coffee, when you are rested think about some sort of back-up plan for lack of coffee – and vegetarian food, for that matter. I used to travel as part of my job and these problems were constant and predictable, so I knew a solution was needed.

  216. Oh dear, what a comedy of errors. Funny to read about, not so funny to happen to. Here, take my coffee.

  217. Wow, I had no idea that Canada was a socialist hell. Silly me, but you know I’m from America–land of the free, home of the freakin’ nutcases that accost total strangers in airports.

  218. While I clearly feel your pain with regards to having to face the day (and an airport to boot) in a coffee-less state, this story is just too perfect to be true.

  219. There is no shame in spending your money on a hundred cups of coffee should you choose to, but next time ice coffee may be the way to go. Here’s to happier caffinating!

  220. Ok, I have to admit that if it happened to me I would be in tears, but you made me laugh! (And I haven’t even had my coffee yet… water still heating.)

  221. I love it when humanity wins and that you went public because we have all been there, one way or another!

  222. I’m so sorry. That’s about how I am with Diet Coke. Great story. That’s for making my morning. My family thinks I’m weird for laughing out loud at the computer, but what’s new there, eh?

  223. I apologize profusely. Please forgive my gaffe. I am doubled over with hysterical laughter, laughing at your severe pain. Terribly rude, but totally involuntary. Please forgive……

  224. I lived in Boston on and off for 11 years. I’m rooting for the Sox to win today, but I agree — there are some RUDE people who live there. Sorry about that.
    And… I’m sure the girl at the coffee tent — Dunkin Donuts?? — didn’t mind — after all, their old slogan was, “Dunkin Donuts — it’s worth the trip!”

  225. Your story is hilarious! I loved it. Could see it
    as a movie segment, maybe with Mr. Bean? At the risk of losing precious blogfodder, but wishing to help you with the airlines (and with your increasing popularity, the flying will increase exponentially) is there a possibility of getting caffeine tablets? Just saying.
    Marlyce in Windsor, Ontario

  226. I think I would have given up on the coffee. I also would have asked the clerk to have mercy and replace my cup for free. Who knows maybe she would have! Hope your next flight doesn’t go coffeeless. (if that is a word!)

  227. well, in extreme caffeine emergencies you could always pop an excedrin… it has as much caffeine as a cup of coffee and the aspirin to quiet the headache caused by weeping over 5 lost cups of coffee! Seriously excedrin has gotten me through some extreme caffeine emergencies of my own.. not as delicious, but fits in your pocket and doesn’t slosh.

  228. LOL with tears streaming down my face because I can SO identify with that. Oh and on behalf of my country I apologize for rude people who feel compelled to criticize a complete stranger’s country.

  229. Up with the socialist hell that is Canada, we love you! As long as there is coffee that is, if the coffee dries up, we move down south. Or move onto a cuppa tea with evaporated milk.

  230. I spoke to my friend in Canada yesterday and told him what was said to you, and how horrible I thought it was. He laughed and said, not to worry we Canadians have thicker skin than that. That may or may not be the case, it was still unquestionably rude.

  231. I am not a coffee drinker but if I had to chuck my tea in the bin four times I would have been one cranky female. You have my sympathy!

  232. United’s coffee is pretty dreadful. I don’t think it’s actually intended for human consumption.
    If you can, try to fly Alaska. They serve Starbucks coffee, and pretty decent beer, too.

  233. My husband has yet to understand why he is not allowed to speak a word to me until I sit down with my coffee and start drinking. I was being frantic with you as I read this. Nobody comes between me and my coffee- next time try asking for a cup of ice when you buy the coffee – cools it right down and you can glug it all.

  234. Socialist hell? You have got to be kidding me. That person probably thinks the Liberal Part of Canada are really dreaded Liberals. Ha! It is hard to stop laughing long enough to write this, but then I cry for you knowing how i am sans cafe myself. I hope you got a good coffee after landing.

  235. Oh Stephanie, that is *so* sad! Amazing how much your misfortunes make me laugh; not strictly kind of me, is it? πŸ™‚

  236. There’s a certain irony to the fact that I’m sitting in starbucks sipping on a free coffee while I read this!
    Hope the rest of the day got better!

  237. You really need one of those beer helmets and fill it with coffee. No worries of dropping/leaving that anywhere and you can sip while you go πŸ™‚
    Hope you get a good cup of coffee and some much needed rest soon!

  238. WHA HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH!!!!! *sniff* *snicker* (much wiping of eyes) Those who do not learn from airport coffee are doomed to repeat it…
    I feel your pain, and am wondering how to go about mailing you a consolation prize of yarn. In any shade but coffee brown.

  239. My need for caffeine is primarily to avoid the headache that will set in if I don’t have it. Hubby only wants caffeinated at home, so I make it each morning, and my body therefor requires it each day to stave off headache. I’d be drinking decaf if it weren’t for him, so I wouldn’t need the daily fix. For me, either tea or caffeinated pop (I’m living in Ohio, it isn’t soda here) will usually serve in the absence of coffee.
    But you’re got to learn to pack something else for your addiction. One of the canned (better for travel) or bottled (you can screw the top back on if necessary) coffees or energy drinks would address the caffeine fix, but not the craving for a warm, steaming cup. So pack the caffeine fix, and use hot chocolate for the emotional fix. Or carry high-grade teabags and ask for hot water. Or an insulated, truly sealable mug, that you can transer into, and that you can close and drop into your tote when you head to the loo?

  240. Oh, my. And this was before your talk in Jacksonville? Now I AM sorry I missed you. (Still wouldn’t have skipped class for God, though.)
    Sarah

  241. Mrs. McPhee: this is the funniest post you’ve ever written. Hands down.
    As a fellow Canuck who just posted my own drunken chaos airport story today of my flight from St. John’s, Newfoundland to Regina, Saskatchewan, all because of a cute boy and George Street: I can relate and picture all the hilarity that ensued.
    good job. tough about the coffee though πŸ™

  242. Sorry to hear you had such a bad time with your coffee hope that you get home soon and can get some rest.

  243. Walked past you at Rhinebeck today, and SOOOOO wanted to get you a cup of coffee, but figured by the time I returned I’d be unable to find you. Oh well, it’s the thought that counts!

  244. Oh, how I feel your pain! Take it from an airline pilot and spend $20 for a Starbucks stainless steel travel mug with a hook type handle. They don’t leak, and you can hang the mug on you suitcase handle or whatever else is available. The stainless steel mugs will keep the coffee warmer longer, cleans up well and is pretty much indestructible. And… recoverable from the trash bin.
    Non Airport Starbucks locations give you a discount when you use a refillable mug, too!

  245. The Coffee Patch. imagine how rich one could become. endless possibilities, no burns no spills, look ma, no hands!

  246. I have repeatedly suggested to independent coffee bars as well as Starbuck’s the concept of “coffee insurance” — pay an extra dime at the time of purchase, and you are guaranteed a free cup of replacement coffee, if something happens within the first 10 minutes (the cooldown time – everyone knows the buyer cannot drink the coffee that fast)to prevent the buyer from drinking her coffee. After 15 minutes, if you present an adequate explanatory stain/burn, you also get your replacement cup. Everyone would be happy, especially knitting mothers of small children who simply CANNOT AVOID kicking over the cup Mom has placed so carefully out of their way. It is a million-dollar idea (for charity? even) and no one wants a part of it. Strange.

  247. What a tragic start to your morning – just hope it got better in Jacksonville. Thumbs up to stainless steel Travel Mugs. Re: your Boston post – the changeringers pattern is awesome! And the David Tennant (Dr. Who?) doll is great (more “sticking up” hair?), as is that “Eye of Jupiter” sock yarn. Thank you for documenting your travels, and all the wonderful knitters that you meet along the way!

  248. Ok this is EVEN worse than that morning that I spilled my Starbucks getting into the airport shuttle to leaving Madrona-remember? You were v sympathetic then BTW So you should have better coffee karma than you are currently experiencing!
    I’m sure that these tragedies only occur because we haven’t yet had out caffeine fix- or maybe it just feels like that.
    In my fantasy world all authors get coffee delivered to us before we leave out hotel beds…by…no, no I guess I should just leave it there.
    happy travels my friend

  249. Okay, honey, I got the fix for cup #4. My totally-addicted-to-coffee-and-farmer father asks for 2 cups, and when the coffee’s too hot, he pours about a mouthfull from the full piping hot cup to the empty cup, swirls briefly, bringing the temperature to drinkable, and voila, immediate and pure gratification. He has been called the “human coffee filter” but hey, it’s a small price to pay.

  250. I feel your pain. I don’t have to travel for my job as a fifth grade teacher however caffeine is essential part of my daily routine. I can’t imagine teaching addition of positive and negative integers or the organization of the periodic table of the elements and other similar topics without it. My preferred delivery system is coffee, but I too forget, drop, and/or spill my share. I also have to keep a clean shirt at work and a Tide pen in my purse to deal with clothing related consequences of these events. I also have a 12-pack of diet Mountain Dew in my car plus an extra can stashed in my purse and each of my knitting bags. As you have personally experienced caffeine deprivation is not pretty.
    I am glad you are still touring. I had the opportunity to see you at the Grove in San Diego several years ago. I know its hard on you, but your fans appreciate it.

  251. Scary stuff. I think I’d have been inclined to make the cabin crew prise the 4th cup out of my hand on entry to the plane, or drink it anyway whilst the “last call for passenger came over the tannoy…
    Making me all jitterry to think about it – off to put the kettle on!

  252. Scary stuff. I think I’d have been inclined to make the cabin crew prise the 4th cup out of my hand on entry to the plane, or drink it anyway whilst the “last call for passenger ” came over the tannoy…
    Making me all jitterry to think about it – off to put the kettle on!

  253. You are a much more courteous traveller than I am – I cheerfully wander onto the airplane with a large coffee in hand, most times I’m flying. I’ve never been asked to put it away. (But then, I’ve never flown within the States, either. The Air Canada stewardesses are quite civilized.)

  254. Anyone who travels has been thru similar travails, but you make it all sound so funny! Thanks for sharing. Love this blog and love your books.
    I’m going to get my coffee now and try not to spill as I continue to chuckle.
    ps – I keep Knitting Rules in my current projects/traveling knitting bag. Somehow it just makes me feel better to have it near :^)

  255. Those poor poor neglected cups of coffee. Either way this post has made my day a little brighter cause I smiled. Its also making me want to create a small piece of art work dedicated to the morning cup of coffee. πŸ™‚

  256. oh wow. That was… you’re life’s bloggability is outstanding! How can that even happen! Thank you for a great sunday morning read πŸ™‚

  257. A lot of Americans fantasize about moving to your “socialist hell” if the election doesn’t go our way come November!! We also think the knitting will be really good in Canada, too!! I may bring my own artisan roasted coffee beans with me if I move, though! Thanks for the superb story telling!

  258. Get yourself some Fast Lane Tea by Celestial Seasoning. (I think they sell in Canada too, anyway they have a website.) This stuff is jet fuel and you can get it on the plane because it’s not liquid! Then you only need some hot water. And maybe the stewardess won’t charge you for it. Wait a few minutes for the tea to steep, drink, and wait, it’s comming, the nitro jet fuel kicks in. Better than coffee – no caffeine hangover the next day. The caffeine is tea is carried in a water solution, while the caffeine in coffee is called in a oil compound. So the caffeine in coffee takes longer to move out of the human body.
    After years of “corporate” traveling, I have found that this works for me.
    Great story – I can sure identify with you.

  259. Stephanie, Stephanie, Stephanie,
    I feel your pain. No one should be required to juggle all that on no caffeine. I discovered, quite by accident, that they will let you board with a personal coffee mug that is closed. I know carrying a mug may be considered by some to be a pain in the ass, but it is good for the environment and if necessary can be used (once clean)for your stash. Good luck.
    Ann

  260. Slurping the rest of my latte I thought, A Poem!
    Coffee, no coffee
    The world, it looks so black
    I cannot function…
    Barely walking…
    My head, my heart, my very being
    Yearns and trembles
    Please, please, give me some of that Magic Stuff
    It’s lost
    That magic cup
    Gone
    For this reason and that
    All I know is that
    Life is now
    very, very flat
    Winging home
    I flounder
    Just managing to cope
    Until those doors open yet again
    And I can stagger
    Tears a flying
    To the nearest Caffeine stand

  261. I don’t usually comment on blogs but this made me laugh out loud so hard sitting at the computer that it brought tears to my eyes. It is perhaps one of the funniest things you have ever written!

  262. Oh no. A coffeeless Yarnharlot. Poor thing, I think someone needs to ivent a refillable mugs with a little strap you can put over your wrist. That way, you could carry coffee and knitting. Hey, we could even put the universal knitters emblem on it and raise money for Medicins!
    And how rude of that person in the airport. With our own country going to hell, he or she wants to cast stones at another?!?

  263. I rarely laugh out loud at blog posts, but I’ve got tears streaming down my face. (My eleven year old insisted I teach him to make coffee because, he pointed out, it would make his life much easier if he could have the coffee ready when I wake up before dawn to get him to school.)

  264. I’m so very sorry to say this, but not only did I laugh out loud at this post, but it made me feel a bit better about my own feats of haplessness. Clearly an intravenous caffeine dispenser is called for, perhaps attached to your alarm clock.

  265. “Writing not as romantic as previously imagined. Spend time in queue imagining jobs that have coffee maker installed at location.”
    Dude- when you’re ACTUALLY writing- you DO have coffee maker ( and usually beer or wine) at hand.. its just the touring that kind of sucks in a fun to be with knitters but crazy to be on the road- kind of way.
    Hope you last this trip without spending more on wasted coffee than you see in book $:) You’re accountant may eventually cut out the tours if you’re coffee tally for the tour costs more than the US elections…..
    Take care.

  266. This story really made me laugh as I have gotten myself in similar situations over my coffee-holic ways. I was recently late to work because of a cup of coffee. Not just any day, mind you, but a day when I was to meet my bosses at a new client job site. So I mumbled something about traffic and internally wept for the hot delicious life-invigorating cup of Dunkin’ Donuts coffee I had to leave in my car so I wouldn’t give away the fact they had been waiting for me in the parking lot because I had stopped for coffee on the way. Lousy watered down foul water with stale coffee grounds was what we were offered at the job……so I feel your pain.

  267. I can see the traveling has really fogged up your brain, you could have boarded with the coffee, you purchased it after you went through security, they let you take any drinks you bought on the departure concourse onto the plane with you.

  268. You may never read this, it is so far down the list, and you may not have had coffee YET…but I just needed to say I feel like I’ve come home when ever I read your blog. Thanks for keeping on with what you do.

  269. I busted a gut at scene 7 and from then on was all full of giggles.
    I needed it, thank you.

  270. oh my.
    if this wasn’t so durned funny to read, I might weep with you…
    on second thought, just imagining flying all that way sans coffee with such exhaustion pulling at the edges of your sanity would make any of us weep. sending you many hugs, a cozy fiber pillow, and a personal coffee carafe of your very own..

  271. Most airlines you dont have to pitch the coffee before boarding, most will let you bring the coffee goodness

  272. Oh you poor thing! I feel your pain!!! Every so often my coffee maker gives up the ghost and just dies. There’s usually no warning, just sudden death. I always have one of those self-motivating coffee makers that turns itself on at a prearranged time. It’s really one of the truly great modern conveniences. Of course, that it until it just dies at 4 am, out of the blue, for no known reason. It’s a serious trauma, especially since I live miles away from any known store that is open at 4am and has coffee. I don’t know how you managed to walk, let along be coherent in such a situation. You are truly an intrepid traveler and all around nice person for not smacking the idiot who was stupid enough to comment on Canada to a Canadian without coffee. You self restraint is truly amazing, maybe even legendary! I salute you with my coffee cup. I probably would have “accidentally” banged my suitcase into the unsolicited Canada basher’s crotch

  273. As a sister knitter with a similar coffee addiction, I too understand the need – no, the requirement – of the magical elixer. As an employee of one of the largest US air carriers, I must apologize that no one whom you encoutered told you that anything you purchase inside the security checkpoint may be carried onboard. Next time, use the loo before buying coffee and you’ll be good to go! Godspeed.

  274. Oh dear…I sympathise even though not a full on coffee drinker. I cannot start the day without a pint of tea (which has to be the strong English kind the colour of housebricks) and if I don’t get it my life is hell.
    The chocolate coffee beans are great by the way, give you a nice caffeine kick and don’t make you go to the loo as much (so you won’t leave the cupful you bought to wash them down with behind…;o)

  275. Oh Stephanie, I’m so sorry…..What a morning!! The rules must have changed? I thought you could take beverages onto the plane that had been purchased in the security area? Those chocolate coffee beans at Trader Joe’s are wonderful. I’ll bring you some next time you’re in Atlanta. πŸ™‚

  276. Loved the story, but you could have taken the coffee on board and enjoyed it for the 15 – 20 minutes it takes them to board the plane, then the flight attendant will want it. I fly quite a bit and have a nice stainless steel mug that has a carabiner handle so I can attach it to my purse or bag when needed and a leak proof top. I clip my cup to the bag under the seat in front during take off and then unclip once we are in the air. Make sure the cup is empty for airport security and then locate quality coffee once you are past this point. At least this way I have a decent coffee for part of the trip. Food for thought and look forward to reading the rest of your travels.

  277. I’ve had similar experiences in airports, most notably in the Jet Blue terminal in JFK after a freaky weather condition that stopped flights all along the eastern seaboard. Idiots that they were, JetBlue staff encouraged people to take their extremely delayed planes saying their connecting flights would be delayed too so they would make it. Unfortunately thousands of us made it to NY with no connecting flights and no ground preparations made for handing thousands of stranded passengers. I stood in line for 30 minutes to buy coffee only to knock it over as soon as I put creamer in it. Then went to another vendor that had a shorter line and managed to get nearly knocked down by some crazy person running through the jam-packed airport with his bags hanging off his back and wore that lovely cup of coffee. Gave up after that and switched to orange juice only to knock it over when I found a place to sit…I finally gave up and left the airport to pay $250.00 for 4 hours of pitiful sleep in the last hotel room near JFK and found they only had a snack machine which ate my first chuck of change and then gave me something I didn’t order!
    I hate flying these days!

  278. I hope you update soon… I keep envisioning you “just missing out” on coffee all over the world… could be a major caffeine-withdrawl induced incident if you are not properly caffeinated soon…

  279. Thank you for the morning chuckle! I traveled for work at one point in my life and I can see the scenes you describe. The airport is a funny place when you really think about it and your coffee escapade is not as silly as some others!

  280. I hate the one-liner comments, but what can I do, this post was hilarious. I’m suffering from coffee withdrawl for health reasons, and I’m miserable. I hope you can get a decent cup soon!

  281. Stephanie, I needed that laugh. I saw you at Rhinebeck, had a lovely time talking with people that I only dream of meeting, and came back to a real killjoy here at work, was on the verge of tears, and then I read your post. Thanks, I needed that.

  282. This was really hysterical — especially since I did not have time to get my morning cup of coffee today and just took a sip of my first cup — it’s 1:16 pm on Monday!
    Thank you

  283. On behalf of all sane Americans – there are some of us and we knit! – I apologize for any and all whack jobs that feel the need to criticize your country.
    Feel free to tell the next rude American that for 8 years now at least one of your American readers and her husband have been trying to figure out how to move to Canada or New Zealand and support ourselves. Seems like you guys aren’t really interested in having more lawyers (even public interest ones like me!) and, really, who can blame you? Probably just more indications of your national reasonableness.

  284. well, your story makes me feel less bad about the time I tossed a load of laundry into the dumpster because it was in a garbage bag, then realized a minute later and had to climb in to dig it out. p.s. I really want a patio cow!

  285. Well this is the funniest funny of the day. Thanks for spilling your coffee woes.
    FYI, I usually just wait to get coffee on airplane and then it comes with free refills. πŸ™‚

  286. i wish i could say that i didn’t spend the entire time reading this entry laughing hysterically at your pain, but unfortunately, i did. does it help that i laughed from a place of complete understanding, comforted in the knowledge that there is someone out there like me who *gets* the cruciality of coffee acquisition and consumption before being expected to behave in a civilised manner towards other people?

  287. Dear Stephanie,
    I read you all the time, but never comment (what can I add when 343 people already had their say?).
    However, I’m sitting here at my desk after having worked all day, picked up kids, helped with homework, cleaned house, made dinner and washed up, and now I’m just reading a couple of blogs before I go back to work…
    I was feeling tired, frustrated and sad. Perhaps a bit like you on that plane.
    But now I’ve had the first really good laugh today, so I’m ready to proofread my pattern translation with a smile on my face!
    Thank you for being you!

  288. Just read this after what was rather a crappy day for me. Was laughing in horror (if such is possible)while feeling deep and profound sympathy. Oh my…..
    They really have to start building a bit more human leeway into your tour schedule – or give you coffee sherpas or something.
    Oh my….

  289. OMG, I was laughing so hard I cried, this of course while trying to look professional at work of course. I think I laughed so hard becuase it made me so happy that there is someone out there exactly like me! Who knew. The coffee sherpa idea not so bad.

  290. That is the most tragic coffee-related story I’ve ever heard. I am so deeply sorry! That’s terrible!

  291. I’m so sorry for you! But I wonder- where are you going next on tour? “Harlot on tour” is from last year. I go to school (and live, during the school year) in Philadelphia, while you seem to be hopping around the northeast. I was in the UK when you spoke in Philadelphia last, in the UK also for a different trip when you spoke in my home state of Maryland, and back in Maryland when you spoke in London.
    -Claudia

  292. I feel for you although your telling of it is so funny. I mean laugh out loud funny.
    We do have better coffee that what you ended up with, but perhaps the clerk at the wicket was concerned and just kept making your coffee weaker and weaker… similar to what happens at bars if you drink your drinks in quick succession.
    Thanks for the laugh… I really needed it!

  293. I just read this post from your blog to my caffeine addicted tech supporting customer service representative husband. He doesn’t drink coffee at home for my health, but at work, all bets are off. He is still laughing so hard his ribs hurt.
    At least he’s also gentlemanly enough to bring me home loot of my favorite caffeinated beverage in red cans. πŸ˜‰ Coffee is a no. CocaCola is a go!

  294. Oh my my. It was a wonderful read but in agreement . . . .
    “a day without coffee is like a day without . .. .air!!!”

  295. NNNNOoooooooooo you cant change jobs!!! I almost peed my pants reading your COFFEE CHALLENGE!!! You should go on the AMAZING RACE!!! multi tasking is in your blood!!!
    Come to VICTORIA & I will buy you coffee & yummy biscotti from Murchies!!!!

  296. What I want to know is, how many people brought you coffee while you were signing books at Rhinebeck??

  297. That’s about the funniest story since the trek in the woods to get beer & toilet paper. Oh – and the lady who insisted you were crocheting on the subway.
    I’m glad you’re just a mere mortal like the rest of us.

  298. you poor thing. I am the same way – except with me it is my tea. I usually carry a thermal travel mug (with spill proof top) in my boarding bag – and have it filled when I get past security. never a problem, there
    oh yes, and I carry tea because airline tea isn’t – I’m not sure what it is, but not tea.

  299. Even though right now I would value oxygen over caffeine, (as I am fighting the FLU) I can understand your plight. Coffee and the lack of it is a huge issue when you need one. No one should speak to me until the coffee has been consumed. It only takes one cup. There was a time when it took pots of it.
    I agree that you should carry your own brewing stash in case of emergencies. It is too important to leave into the hands of others who may or may not understand your plight. You take extra yarn stash right?
    Thanks for making me laugh today though. I really needed it!

  300. It is not good to be addicted to coffee dear. Try to work on that. Nobody warned you not to walk to the store on that cold winter afternoon in the woods last winter. I wish to warn you about coffee.

  301. scene 17:
    the Yarnharlot finally loses it and sky-jacks a plane to columbia for coffee- totally forgetting she could have stopped at Timmy’s instead….
    which basically means, we miss you, so update so I don’t have to make up your next adventure!

  302. I am so grateful that you tell stories that make me feel less alone in the world. I still know in my heart of hearts that it’s probably only me and thee getting into situations like this all the time, and it doesn’t make us normal at all, but it at least makes me not alone. Thanks for continuing to keep me from feeling alone, in so many ways, and for so many years. I love you completely.
    I do really think that you could have brought the coffee on board, though. Try it next time.

  303. lol. I have to hope the coffee vendor was a knitter and is somewhere online blogging about her bizarre encounter with the Yarn Harlot!!

  304. My penchant for the brown liquid made from dried berries is legendary. When in graduate school working as a teaching assistant, I knew where the pot was in EVERY building where I worked, and knew the price (and paid!).
    Now, a morning rarely passes when some mention of the first morning cup doesn’t make the morning post (on my weblog). A friend, who knows of my addiction (affliction?), sent me a link to your post, which nearly caused me some kind of emotional distress as I read through the story.
    I can say, truly, that I feel your pain. πŸ™‚ Thank you for sharing your story.

  305. I’m sure hundreds have said it before me already, but THANK YOU for the best laugh out loud I’ve had in months. Sorry that it came at the expense of your suffering…

  306. Hey, Harlot… shhhh… I’ll let you in on the southern girl’s secret to easy caffeine when you need to down it quickly…… Coca Cola or Mountain Dew. 1. Get the little screw top bottle in the security area soda machine. 2. close it and shove it in your knitting bag while boarding. 3. continue drinking at leisure during your flight.

  307. Hey, Harlot… shhhh… I’ll let you in on the southern girl’s secret to easy caffeine when you need to down it quickly…… Coca Cola or Mountain Dew. 1. Get the little screw top bottle in the security area soda machine. 2. close it and shove it in your knitting bag while boarding. 3. continue drinking at leisure during your flight.
    Both are also availiable in diet versions if yer worried about HFCS

  308. After reading the first time to myself I had to share with my husband. We both have done similar things for caffeine, though I must admit you have taken the cake with how many times in a row it happened. πŸ™‚

  309. This sounds like something I would do, and would not feel the least ashamed of because I cannot be held accountable for actions made before consumption of a full cup of coffee.
    The same goes for my mother.

  310. This sounds like something I would do, although I wouldn’t be ashamed of it because I’m not accountable for actions before a full cup of coffee is consumed.
    This goes for my mother as well, who I learned all my coffee tricks from.

  311. I sent this to every coffee-loving traveler I know. Thanks for making me laugh.
    Side note: I am so enamoured of my morning(afternoon, evening) joe that my husband has been sent to the corner store for milk, during which journey he has told every neighbor he encountered about how his evil wife is sending him IN THE SNOW, UPHILL, BOTH WAYS to get milk for coffee. Totally worth it.

  312. Oh dear. I had a near coffeeless experience on my last trip. Luckily, I thought ahead and ground my own delicious coffee, and brought my heavy-duty metal coffee mug (with extra-fancy lid) and a special strainer I bought at a camping supply store. Just add hot water, and any other additions like agave nectar (in lieu of sugar) and cream/soy. Or, if unable to find a strainer, a custom tea bag works well, too. It’s a bit of a pain once the coffee is brewed, but bringing a few empty zipper bags helps to prevent massive spillage/staining of knitting.
    That was a good trip. Hope that helps your next trip.

  313. I once threw out a perfectly good (large)container of yogurt because I got the date wrong in my head.
    I also have to go through all of my Mom’s luggage before we leave for the airport to make sure she doesn’t accidentaly pack 6 lighters in her checked luggage and another 6 lighters in her carry-on. I DO NOT want to have to explaine that to security!

  314. Oh, poor you!
    My (ever helpful) husband, to whom I have just read your coffee scenes, says you should go for espresso as “that’s always cool enough to drink”.
    Sorry!

  315. As as aspiring writer who really hopes to get published one day, your story is very scary. I think maybe I’ll keep my little manuscript safely stored in my computer and never let it out, so that I can drink coffee safely at home each morning, as God intended.

  316. …You can’t walk onto the plane with coffee? I walk onto the plane with all kinds of airport-purchased foods. I think you could have taken it with you and enjoyed it during that boring boarding period before take off.

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