Things that don’t work

Dear Universe,

As I’ve worked on this renovation for the last few days (almost done, no thanks to you) I’ve compiled a small list of things that Do Not Work. Thought I might pass them on.

1. Cutting floorboards for the upstairs bedroom using a saw in the backyard, although my arse has never looked better – thanks to 87654 trips up and down. Also, my sincerest thanks for the 10cm snowfall that compounded that. Nice touch.

2. Tentative hammering does not work. Turns out you gotta swing it like you mean it or you’ll be smashing away at one little nail for a good long time.

3. Carpenters glue. I don’t know exactly what it’s for, but I do know that for the things I’ve tried to use it for, it does not work. Very misleading name. Maybe it’s because I’m not a carpenter.

4. Keeping the carpenters glue in the painting section of the Home Depot. No wonder I couldn’t find it.

5. Nail sets. They need to be much bigger, both for the purposes of locating them, and for striking them with a hammer.

6. Also, maybe nail sets could have some sort of hand guard. Swinging a hammer at my hand and a little tiny thing you have to clutch with your best knitting fingers is lame. (As now is the pointer finger on my left hand.)

7. Assembling a bed by yourself also does not work. At all. In any sort of a way. Period. *&^%$#.

Thank you.

PS. This floor, scuzzy old plywood:


Is now this.


Hear me roar. (Knitting is way better than laying floor.)