Graham Norton’s my new best friend. (Sort of. We haven’t met. I mean, he just emailed me a picture, and we’ve only spoken on the phone for a moment, so we’re not that close yet. He sort of lives far away as well. We’ll work it out.)
This, however, is Greg Kinnear, kinneared in London on the set of The Graham Norton Show by Greg Kinnear himself. (I was on the phone. He got three tries.) I worried actually, that if Greg Kinnear kinneared himself and it was sent to the woman who invented kinnearing by kinnearing Greg Kinnear that it might cause some sort of rift in the fabric of time and space… but I’ve looked out the window, and things seem all right. Dudes. Kinnearings gone officially international, and in a really weird way.
Let me back up.
This morning I got a crazy email. I staggered to my desk and found a little email from a guy named Ben at The Graham Norton Show in the UK. (We get that show here on BBC Canada. I’m a fan.) Odd, I think (I think that a lot. I mean, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but things are odd far more of the time than they’re just chugging along) and I read what he’s got to say, which is essentially “Greg Kinnear is popping by to talk to Graham, and we’d like permission to show maybe your blog while he talks about being a verb if it comes up… is that ok?”
Well. I think. Why not. What could it hurt? I mean, Conan used the pictures from the blog without phoning or emailing at all, so I suppose that the least I can do to reward this considerable politeness is to say yes. Which I do, and he telephones and says that’s lovely, and we talk a little bit about what’s going on, and he says “Maybe we can kinnear Greg Kinnear and send you a picture” and we both thought that would be good. Funny even. Unlikely, I think. and I fire off the permission email, and I drink coffee. The last time someone told me they were going to be with Greg Kinnear, it was Carol, and I believed her, because… I’ve met Carol, and she’s a knitter, and if I can’t trust a knitter, then by the wrath of moth, who can I trust? I got on with the rest of my day… until a little while ago when Graham Norton called my house and we chatted with Greg Kinnear (I know), and now, when suddenly I’ve got a Greg Kinnear picture, and I like how it feels.
This brings me to the revenge part. Near as I can tell, what Greg’s got out of this deal is pretty good. He’s got a funny story to talk about on national TV shows with huge stars and he’s been turned into a verb and immortalized as a new word in the New York Times and the Urban Dictionary. That’s pretty good.
I, to be fair, have gotten almost the same thing. I got a funny story to talk about on national TV shows with huge stars… the fact that I don’t go on National TV shows and talk to huge stars as often (or ever, really) as Greg does is irrelevant… It could happen, and if it does, I’ll be as prepared as Greg is. When the NYT listed Kinnearing as a word, they listed me as its inventor… that’s pretty seriously neat too. Me and Greg. Evensies. Absolutely on par…. except for one thing.
Ever since I invented Kinnearing, I have been kinneared within an inch of my life. I have been kinneared at the grocery store, at the airport, at yarn shops, on the bus, at my book signings, at speaking engagements, in bookstores, at festivals…. Everywhere, and all of this has resulted in a plethora of horrendous images of myself plastered all over the internets. Images that, once seen, I have to carry in my heart forever. Now, I don’t blame people. I really don’t. It was my idea. I thought it was funny to do it to Greg, and it’s both funny and flattering when it’s done to me. Turnabout’s fair play. I’ve accepted that if you invent kinnearing, then it’s only fair to have an odd slanted photo of my arse at the post office in a pair of baggy yoga pants emailed to me. I’m the one who went to the post office in my baggy yoga pants. I won’t do it again, and I accept all blame. Lesson learned. That said… don’t you think that if Greg Kinnear is reaping some of the benefits, that Greg Kinnear should have to bear some of the burden? I think that today is a special day. I think today is the day that I tell you that I’m putting Greg Kinnear on my most wanted list, and that I’ll donate to MSF every time somebody mails me a photo of Greg Kinnear, kinneared. (Do try to remember the fine line between stalking and kinnearing.. yes? There’s no bail fund.)
(Ps. Try to get his arse… and try to make it unflattering… will ya?)