I just sat down to say that a tentative peace has settled over the house, with no upsets or emergencies for a few days now, and no sooner had I typed that than the cat heaved a hairball onto the living room carpet and the phone and internet went out. I took this as it was intended – clearly a warning, and made a pot of coffee and sat down to knit until order was restored. No more will be said of how well things are going. Apparently good days don’t like direct eye contact. Not a problem.
The Kiama jacket and I have taken up again with each other. I unpicked the bound off edge, and got all the stitches back on the needle, and I’m in the process of making the whole whack of the thing longer. 
When I decided to stop shorter than the pattern called for, it was because I was pretty happy with the length in the back. I’m short, most patterns aren’t and I almost always shorten stuff to match my reality. Unfortunately, as I was knitting this, my nature given wits apparently took their leave for a bit, and I didn’t take into account that due to the funky construction, shortening the back also shortened those drapey fronts. Now, my front is as short as my back, so that would be cool, except for the rather inconvenient breasts that have to be taken into account. On the model, those fronts drape past her breasts most elegantly (I suspect she may have more elegant breasts) but on me, now suddenly ended precisely at nipple height, giving my normally rather normal looking assets a look that looked like I’d pitched a double-wide tent rather crookedly over a watermelon patch.
If you’re having trouble visualizing that, just stop and be grateful that you didn’t have to live the moment of low-self esteem that went with witnessing it. I’m 41, and I have working class breasts that have done a lot of service time, and I’m pretty okay with how (and where) they are, but really, after that experience, I’m never going to think of them quite the same way. I’m adding a couple of inches, but if I add as much as I think I need to give me the length that I want in the front, the whole business is going to be past my arse in the back. 
I think the answer is short rows. I’m going to add to the length in the fronts without adding to the back, I hope. Details tomorrow, assuming I finish and can take the emotional risk of trying it on again.
Thank you; once again you have made me laugh. Looking sidelong at your day and mine, I hope for the best. I was thinking “short rows” as I approached the picture–glad I read on before I commented. Good luck to the work.
There — I KNEW The Girls were involved somehow (and can reference the archives should anyone doubt me.) I don’t suppose that you are comforted by the knowledge that those of us built more along the interchangeable-back-to-front lines take some small comfort from this? But what’s wrong with it covering your arse? Mine will take all the covering it can get…
See, now, the nipple-height fronts would in fact make you look taller! Insofar as it would look like you were wearing a sweater that was too short for you, see?
I’m not saying it would make you look good or anything. Only taller.
I just love the term “working class breasts”!
Before trying on, drink a glass (or two) of beer/wine faster than normal and then try on.
You want to do it while you are still slightly giddy and can laugh if you don’t achieve the desired effect…but before the depressant effect of alcohol kicks in!
Oh you do make me laugh! You certainly have a way with words! Now I keep looking at myself in the mirror from this side and then the other trying to work out if my breasts are working class to…..they’ve done heavy duty service…and I run too…..Oh dear, I think I need to go and do something else and not think to much about this. Can you maybe give us a definition?!!!!!
I have no doubt you will make that ornery yarn behave and give you a beautiful finished product.
I am starting to think the squirrels are organized, however.
Joining the laughing throng here; we get the picture loud and clear!
I admire your determination to “fix” this sweater’s fit. Me–I would have given up. Much rather make something new than alter. But that is why you are a master knitter and I am not.
Good to read another blog from you.
I think my new favorite term will be working class breasts. What a hoot!
you know, of course that you are just asking for trouble with all this short row nonsense (VBG) but i will be interested to see how you make out.
btw, if you could put in a word on one of your posts, is the yardage sale at UofT worth a look ( and a trip from the states) ???
Ha! My breasts are definitely getting pretty working-class, but they are of a size such that they will NEVER be compared to watermelons. EVER. Somehow it seems pretty unfair, then, that they’re still drooping a bit, and they’ve given me my own low self-esteem moments at times. Oh well. They worked hard, I’ll give them a break. I do definitely think twice before wearing anything drapey, though. Not a good look for me and my boobs, more often than not.
I know what you mean. Facing reality about one’s physique is rarely pleasant – and I’ve learned that’s true no matter who you are and how you look. Having a sense of humor about it seems to be key, and you’ve got a lot of keys on your ring. 🙂
One word: socks.
No breastages involved.
No figuring and refiguring.
No short rows unless that’s how you turn a heel.
Socks. It’s why I’ll never be a sweater knitter. Socks.
After my third child, it became clear, I used to be a 34B, now I’m a 36Long…
I love you.
Normal life does seem to be eluding me these days, as well. I am trying not to be superstition about it, but it becoming tempting!
I’m eagerly awaiting a picture of you modeling the Kiama jacket. Maybe it’ll give me a clue as to what mine will look like. (What would you call the breasts of the idle rich? Silicone?)
Oh, NO!!!!! And based on your love of the pattern and yarn, I ordered it for myself….. obviously it will do the same on me! Short, “Mature,” and large breasted….. I think I’ll look for someone else to knit this for! Thanks for the heads-up warning!
I say be happy with what you’ve got! I used to have droopy, “working class” boobs, and then I got cancer. In some respects, my new (fake) boobs are better than my old ones. In many other respects, I would love to have my old ones back. But, I’ve learned to be happy with what I have and now I say I’ve got the best boobs money can buy 🙂
Hahahaha!
Thanks so much for the laugh…
Sounds like you have the solution.
Just don’t look it in the eye!!
I can’t wait to see the finished result!
I’m going to read that “watermelon patch” comment to my husband when he gets home. He’ll laugh.
Steph, I’m sure you’ll look as elegant as can be, in your appropriately long-short new jacket.
“Working class breasts” describes how I feel about mine so aptly that I shall use the description from now on!
Your entries always make me smile. Working class breasts! I love it.
ROFLMBO. I have experienced a similar moment of low esteem, only mine involved some unfortunately placed bobbles on an Aran-style cardigan. We won’t go any further than this statement, however. After all, a girl has her pride. Looking forward to seeing pix of the adapted sweater.
Rams at 1:12–best description ever of the other side of this.
Working class! Ha! I am going to use that! Nursed four babies – I think I qualify!
You really have made my day more enjoyable with your way with words. I was having a sorta depressing day but now I feel much more happy after that laugh. I cannot wait to see you modeling that lovely sweater.
Just wondering if working-class breasts have politics…social support? Nippleomics? No Stretch Mark Left Behind?
Reading material. Vanity Fair – Thackery. Little Dorritt and Bleak House – Dickens. Alias Grace – Margaret Atwood. Anything by Margaret Lawrence. Historical fiction by Sharon Kay Penman. Any of the Medieval Murderers – Michael Jecks, Bernard Knight, Susanna Gregory, Phillip Gooden etc. Could go on and on, but this is a start.
You make me glad we no longer have cats. I miss them, but I have enough cleaning up to do with 2 little kids.
I hope the sweater works out OK. I envy you your knitting speed. It takes me months to knit a sweater.
Glad to hear things are looking up for you and your family. I hope they stay that way.
Plan A – Have yarn – check; have pattern – check; have similar physical attributes – check. Start postponed – check out how YH (now aka WCBwoman) gets on with short rows!!
Plan b – knit it for taller flatter chested person as gift.
Oh, man, that watermelon patch statement made me laugh out loud. That ones gonna stick with me for days. Thanks!
Well I don’t know, but it looks like on the model it’s long enough to go at least to the middle of her butt. I think it’s mean to be shaped like that!
We of the similarly emboobed are cheering you on from the sidelines. Go, go, go! 🙂
Just checking – are you 41 in “the rest of us years” or 41 in “Yarn Harlot’s special way of calculating” years.
HA HA HA HA HA!!!! I’m a Mom of 3 and nursed them all. Mine are working class indeed. I have the yarn on order – still need to get the pattern (WEBS just got it back in stock). Will pay close attention to where the drapey front ends before I consider it “done”.
I’m going to laugh about my “working class” physique for a long time. It’s the best description I’ve ever heard. 🙂
Oh , good grief, what will happen to my 61 year old front and backside. You remain my inspiration, but between you and Tina I am now knitting two sweaters with plans for a third and finishing my last sock’s before the next kit arrives. Am considering being a little less inspired for a bit. 🙂
“. . . giving my normally rather normal looking assets a look that looked like I’d pitched a double-wide tent rather crookedly over a watermelon patch.”
Thank you so much. This was off-the-hysterical-funny meter — I actually fell out of my chair laughing.
Do you really need to add length, or is it really some extra width that is wanting that is usually compensated for by length? What if you addd some “reverse darts” on the fronts in the needed area. I’m sure there’s an official name for this, but it escapes me at the moment.
I mean, usually darts make a garment smaller and tuck in an extra bit of fabric to make a nice fit. Why not add subtle increasing at the widest part of the bust in order to accommodate your assets? The increasing could be done evenly across the row or multiple rows so that it’s pretty invisible, or vertically stacked one over the other in one or more spots to add a decorative element. You could accomplish this with either short rows or by incorporating the additions from the beginning as full rows.
By adding the extra ease in the bust area, I bet you won’t have to add all that much extra length, if any at all. You do realize, of course, that this is all theory…. Good Luck!
Oh no! I am also short but bigger than you in the front, and I bought the yarn and pattern already. I’m hoping you figure this out before I cast on next week!! It just isn’t fair how big boobs can make a beautiful hand knit sweater look horrendous. My mother loves it, though — I just hand the sweaters over to her. Oh well. At least she appreciates them!
I feel the same way about a sweater I’m making almost against my better judgment. I want it, but I keep looking at the finished photos on Ravelry and the model photo and thinking, wow, this looks great on flat chested women.
Umm, that would be a wonderful statement if I were one of those lucky women who can run without the Uber sports bras. Piffle.
Yes, those particular tracts o’land can be inconvenient, can’t they? I have to be especially careful with things like boleros (which I’m unreasonably fond of, naturally), lest the end result land me somewhere between hilarity and pornography. *Sigh*.
I love your blatant acceptance and acknowledgment of the state of your breasts…I don’t read discussions of the state of breasts very often on craft blogs, so it was definitely entertaining. And also thanks to the boost in my knitting knowledge confidence. Right away I was thinking “short rows” (not that I’ve ever applied that correction to anything) and your knitting wisdom verified that I might actually know what I’m talking about when it comes to knitting–at least every once in a while.
Be brave – what’s the worst that can happen? You have to frog it and do more knitting to make it right? And isn’t more knitting always a good thing?
I’ve found that when those occasions arise that cause me to yell out at the universe “What else can possibly go wrong?”, I’m rather unpleasantly surprised when the universe answers in the plural.
I’m voting with Leslie F who advised the application of alcohol prior to the next go-round.
Good luck! 🙂
Wishing you the best of luck!!!
HAHAHAHA you said BREASTS!!! LOL
Just a thought. It sounds like Kiama is reversible in some way. Did you try it on the wrong way around? Maybe upside down? Best of luck you getting a wearable product. I admire your fortitude and perserverance.
“Working-class breasts.” LOVE IT. I have a pair (on their second round of baby-feeding) that would proudly wear that phrase on a shirt. I’ll get on that.
Funny, I used to be ok with the location of the GIRLS…and then I took the Lily Chin darts class at Stitches West and she made us calculate just EXACTLY where the girls are…and when you learn they are smack dab in the middle of your torso rather than perkily near your collarbone like you think, it’s a rather shaky moment.
I just snorted beer out my nose. Having once over-estimated my size (by a fairly generous margin) and ended up giving the cleverly short-rowed cardigan to my mom (whose working class breasts fall into the category of ‘gained a cup size after each of the four children’) I can only picture the spectacle, commiserate, and try to finish blowing the beer boogers out of my nose. Thank you!!
I won’t mention that I’m glad things are going well. Wouldn’t want to tempt those fates!!! So I won’t mention it…
Well hopefully the finished project will erase that memory, and you’ll go back to thinking about them in the same way.
Working class breasts are the best breasts. (To celebrate the near-weaning of my youngest, I tried to go bra shopping today with my three kids. Low points abound!! Don’t they make attractive booben holders for deflated, overused boobies??)
Wow, I didn’t know your cat had wizard-like powers! Do you always lose connectivity when she hocks up a hairball?
Having always wondered just how to describe my assets, especially in an unflattering top, the “double-wide tent [thrown] crookedly over a watermelon patch” just does it! Thanks for the shout-out to us gals with “working class assets.” Helps to know others are in same boat, so to speak. The really horrible thing is when you’ve knit something just beautifully and then try it on and find out that on you, it’s a double wide. Oh well . . .
After have the tv cable cut and damaged a zillion times by the yard people, we finally put it in conduit. This was just small pvc pipe, but it took care of the problem.
You want an self-image shock? Try making one of those duct tape body doubles. My “Gertrude”, while a big help with sizing sweaters and shawls, is still an ego de-flater when ever I see her.
No way would I want anything ending in the middle of the girls.
I’ve found that anything that can remotely be construed as gloating angers the Good Day Gods. The most one can get away with is thinking “I’m going to enjoy this moment of peace because it surely will not last.”
Thanks Stephanie and good luck with the short rows. I have always said I come from good peasant stock, but the same characteristics apply! I am now inspired to learn how to do short row shaping!
I do believe todays blog entry will be a classic among all blog entries. The doublewide tent/watermelon patch/breasts image, the term working class breasts, and the cat throwing up about the time the phone and internet went down are all amazing. Wonderful. Well said. Lovely day.
quite frankly, at 41 you should count yourself lucky that you are not worrying about covering up your arse (quite the opposite infact) as well as disguising the way you feel time and life has ravaged your knockers, ahem, so far, ahem….bless you, honestly, you have it all to come, and believe me, length along with judicious and forgiving drape is a thing of wonder as one approaches and attempts to sail majestically through menopause and the attendent sinkage, droppage and dryage…of course, in the end, it’s an impossible task, and length and drape are one of the many comforts we can reach for in times of need….
good days don’t like direct eye contact.
or recognition.
too funny.
Rolling past all the other comments because this made me laugh out loud at work: giving my normally rather normal looking assets a look that looked like I’d pitched a double-wide tent rather crookedly over a watermelon patch.
That, combined with the part about not making eye contact with a non-eventful day to avoid jinxing it (not your exact words) means another day with a couple of laughs thanks to you. So, thanks!
i sometimes fantasize about the moment in my own personal knitting history when i will have the nerve and self-confidence to (gasp!) alter a pattern! i am of the group that perceives patterns to be something engraved in stone, brought down from the mount by moses and set by god, never to be tampered with forever and ever amen! but…. since entering the world of knit bloggers my eyes have been opened to other possibilities. and it seems to me that none of these pattern/rule-breakers have been struck down in any sort of “wrath-of-god” type way. so this gives me courage… to at least start considering that one day i could stray from the pattern. maybe.
Short rows are often the answer. In fact, short rows are the bomb!
Enjoy figuring it out. And thanks for today’s laughs!
Nurses don’t ever dare say how “quiet” a day is, because that is a guarantee that all hell will break loose! LOL! I know the feeling!
One word: Underwires.
Laughed until I cried, then laughed some more. Georgie’s response set me off again. Hugs and love.
Hope the short rows are the answer. Also, you are such a knitting goddess it would be truly demoralizing for the rest of us if your misadventure had turned out elegant.
“working class breast”
how i wish i knew you so that i could take the joke to a dark place.
Such a relief to hear a woman write in understanding and acceptance and love of her own body.
Also, epiphany. As you debated the front/back length issue, I thought to myself, “Maybe she should consider short rows.” And, pow!, you did. Makes me think I’m finally larnin’ a few things about this here knittin’ stuff.
You and Angela @ 1:42 perfectly described the fate of nursing 3 babies. Totally worth it! Kaima rock on!
As one of your male readers, I heartily thank you and the previous commenters for some badly-needed laughs on a rather crappy day!
(Yes, ladies, I more than empathize with the way clothes fit people of various proportions. A tailor once took my measurements for a suit, and swore he had taken measurements for something out of Dr. Frankenstein’s lab rather than a ordinary guy being fitted for a tux for a friend’s wedding!)
Anyway Steph, good luck making that pattern bend to your will and fit your form the way you want. And don’t blame the cat for the hairball on the carpet. Hairballs are a part of having cats. I once tried to train a cat to at least throw up on various old magazines I left scattered around for him. The best I got was that he’d make an effort to get off the upholstered furniture when the heaves started.
P.S. Wasn’t “Working Class Breasts” the original and rare B-side of “Working Class Hero”?
So, if my girls refused to “function”, I can’t legally call them working class. How about blue collar breasts for the rest of us who are (were) less than perky (ever).
I am really enjoying your account of this…as usual and you have inspired my to pick up a forgotten WIP. Thanks for providing me with a lovely 5 minutes most days! 🙂
I second Rams in covering the butt area…
The short row migt be a great idea, but for me it spells trouble…
You know that on the model, the back does cover her ass, right?
Too funny! I will keep my fingers crossed for you so that the short rows work out.
Yep, guys can empathize. One of my favorite poets, Bob Hicok, has a poem about catching sight of his backside in a hotel’s differently-angled bathroom mirror and discovering it wasn’t where he’d left it:
“and the future was defined
as an effort
to use the word sag in my resume.
Have sagged, will
sag, am looking for a position
in which to maximize my sagging
potential….”
http://www.poetryfoundation.org/archive/poem.html?id=180353
Good luck!
The next time you and Ken redesign your blog, you might put a warning label on it… Red for “Don’t read while drinking coffee” Yellow for “Might get a chuckle” and Green for “Pictures of pretty knitting”. Or something like that. Snorting hot coffee hurts, Steph, and makes a mess on the keyboard… (and the resulting sounds made my husband come and check on me, only to have me tell him about your breasts looking like watermelons. 🙂
On a totally different subject, more reading for Sam. How could I forget Virginia Woolf! Wonderful collection of essays, “The Common Reader,” and “To the Light House.” See you in the watermelon patch looking taller.
Eve from Carlisle
That entry just made my day – thank you for starting my day off with laughter!
Short rows are your friends. After 3 children, I went from 36A to 38C, and discovered that the girls needed extra room, so I plan sweaters now with short rows in mind. I love to think of it as a sock heel for my chest!
You crack me up! I’m having the same issue but not only with the breasts (which went from A-D!) but somewhere along the way I kept the belly and lost the offsetting ass so anything below the waist now has to be adjusted. Would short rows work for that?
I’m 4’10”, so I can sure relate to the shortening issues! There was once a gorbeous oriental drapey sewn jacket I wanted to make. I did the usual alterations and cut it out and sewed it carefully and, well, like this knitted jacket, it no longer draped and looked beautiful. It look absolutely ridiculous! It became parts of a quilt. The fabric looks quite lovely in the quilt, but didn’t live up to the amount of $$$ I spent on it, nor did it make up for the hours I spent on it. At least you can reknit!!! And, this is why I prefer knitting these days. Nothing is ever totally lost — unless you steek it, of course.
You are hilarious!
Thanks for your awesome blog and wonderful knitting updates!
I’m making the same jacket albeit with a different yarn. I had some really nice alpaca that cried out for this pattern. I have learned from you now that I should make it at least four inches longer since I’m a fair bit taller than you, thanks…ciao
Not to mess with your mojo, but isn’t part of the appeal of kiama that it’s reversible? I’m having a hard time envisioning where you would put short rows on that and keep it reversible.
If you are going for the “I’m only going to wear this x way” I understand, ’cause having it work one way is totally better than not having it work at all.
Looking forward to you modeling your finished product. I’ve hesitated buying the yarn before seeing it modeled!! Hope it all works out well for you!
Dude. On behalf of short, busty gals everywhere, you really need post a picture of that bad daddy. (I mean the “before” shot.) We all have those moments. Most of my worst ones are in changerooms!
Stephanie, I require a picture of you in the finished product striking the exact pose that the model has in the picture. Props and backdrop must match as well, though soundtrack is optional.
This is the only way I can adequately assess my opinion of this project.
“I suspect she may have more elegant breasts” really made me chuckle. I’m glad I’m not alone in trying things on and then looking at the inspiration photo only to realize my body is not shaped like that. In fact, it only bears a passing resemblance to that body based on the fact that we’re both the same species.
This post made me laugh a lot, I also have problems in this department.
Btw, Kiama is a gorgeous small fishing village in Australia. We stayed there for several days when I was over there for my brother’s wedding. It’s absolutely gorgeous, plus they have an awesome blowhole.
Being on the short, round side with breasts that aspire to be working class, I opted to make Kirra…a long version of Kiama. I so admire you for being able to tweak Kiama with short rows, etc. Best of luck with it!
Watermelons – I am jealous…mine are mangos bordering on bananas….so jealous
Your comment on on working class made me laugh- mine are friend eggs
That was such a funny blog.
Wasn’t “Working Class Breasts” the title of a Rick Springfield albumn? Or perhaps I’m thinking of “Doublewide Tent over a Watermelon Patch.” That’s his double album . . .
After a very long weekend at sheep and wool festival, this made me laugh and laugh.
“working class” reminds me a a phrase someone put on a t-shirt – “I make milk; what’s your Super Power?”
ROTFLMAO! Oh Steph, you made my day! I nursed both my kids, and worked and pumped, and have a whole group of girlfriends who did the same. Some knit, some don’t, but all will totally understand your “working class breast” term and I’m passing this link on to them! Thanks for always saying it like it is.
Uh, you hit a painful issue here. Due to several cycles of gaining and losing weight, I often ponder about duct tape. I have a piggy bank to get rid of all that offending matter. Vain, that’s what I am.
It doesn’t happen often, and I beg of thee many pardons for saying so, but the comments to this blog post have exceeded the funnitude of the actual blog post, which I enjoyed very much. I LOL’d and LOL’d again with each witty entry. ooohh lawd mommy.
OMG – I laughed OUTLOUD, showed it to my husband, who also laughed. Everytime I try to imagine the look, I laugh again! Thank you for sharing so graphically!
My breasts are strictly ornamental, but they’re still not where they used to be.
nice post. thanks.