When Joe’s gone

I don’t know what it’s like for Joe when I’m not here. I travel all the time, and he must be used to what the house is like without me.  Usually, when Joe’s home,  I’m up way earlier than he is – on account of the music business being a thing that starts and ends late. (Musicians have realized my life goal of a world that starts at 11  and ends at 23:00. If Joe’s up at 7, it’s usually from the other side.)   I get up and come downstairs, and I can have my coffee right that minute, because Joe is the miracle man who comes home in the wee hours and sets the coffeemaker to do it by itself  before I wake up, a gesture of love that I’m not fool enough to overlook.

I don’t miss Joe in the daytime.  As a matter of fact, the last few days have been stunningly productive – probably related to the way that Joe fritters away most of my mornings when he’s here. He reads me things from the news, asks me where we keep things, asks me if I know where he put his insert-object-I’m-not-responsible-for here.  I don’t mind that much – it’s really the only time of day that we connect.  Usually I give up and knit and find his stuff until he leaves. Then he’s off – gone to do his thing all day, and that’s when my day starts. I work from 11 or 12 until about 8, but I don’t see him again then until very late. I have my dinner alone most days – I cook for both of us, but Joe eats his when he comes home.

When Joe’s gone if I clean something up it stays clean, but I don’t really clean anything, because it’s just me.  When Joe’s gone, I have a chance to see friends I don’t usually see, and we go out for dinner (which is a great plan, because why anyone would cook for one, I just don’t know.

beerssock 2014-04-22

Without Joe, I miss landmarks. I miss the moments that our days intersect, and the reasons to do things like dinner and cleaning,  and here I am. Three days without him, and I wonder what his days are like without me, because without him my days are lovely, but strange, and I can’t wait until he comes home to bother me again, and I wonder if that’s what it’s like when I’m away from him.

246 thoughts on “When Joe’s gone

  1. How can you not know what Joe does when you’re gone? You’ve told us approximately eleventy-million times: He turns the mugs the wrong way round, spreads audio bits and bobs all over the dining room table, and runs a prolific dust bison breeding program.

  2. Aw, that was sweet. Also, I read this as I wait for my husband to come home and my toddler is throwing toys all over the floor.

  3. Yep. It’s about rhythms and comfort and love. It’s sort of “missing” but not exactly. And it makes a difference whether you are the traveler or the one at home. My husband tells me that when he must be away for a few days, he is busy and out of our particular world, so he’s okay with that. But when he is at home and I’m the one away, he walks around bumping into furniture and counting days on the calendar. It’s always nice to be back in touching distance.

  4. I must say that every once in a while, I like having the big bed to myself. No one to hog the blankies, no one snoring…. But just once in a while, and three days is about long enough.

  5. His days without you at home are probably much like yours without him…. but less organized… and less nutritional!

  6. Does Joe start every sentence with” where is?” 43 years and that’s all I hear and also why are you still knitting?

  7. You’re so right about the annoyances associated with the company of the one you love. You (kind of) miss the annoyances when they are gone.

  8. I think I need to share this entry with my DH and see if he gets this… because he’s at home while I work all day, and when he goes for 3 day camping trips a couple of times a year, I wonder if he misses me like this.

  9. I flat out LOVE it when my husband’s gone for a few (or more) days. No cooking, no cleaning, art all day long, cereal for dinner, to bed with a book, tea, and cookies. It’s the best sort of vacation, in my book!

  10. I am intensely jealous of anybody who is able to sleep when their spouse is out of the house. My natural tendency to worry and the loneliness combine to be one of the stronger stimulants a human body can produce on its own, possibly even exceeding adrenaline for sheer lasting power.

  11. This is lovely. My husband has been traveling for work for 28 years, and I’ve had to make peace with that. Now that the kids are all grown, I find that I get a lot done when he’s gone. I like the bed to myself. I like eating what I want when I want. I like it when he comes home….

  12. That last paragraph really killed me. In a good way. Take care:) I’m a little worried about all that beer I see in your photo…is that all for you?!

  13. Those beer glasses are part of a “flight”. You get 3 to 5 ounces of several beers, rather than 16 to 20 ounces of just one. Great for those of us who only want “a beer”…

    Love your comments about enjoying your quiet time, but missing the reason for the quiet. My husband is the early bird, and yes, there is coffee ready when I get downstairs. However, he has had his…and has a dozen questions. And he is big on sports on TV. Sometimes, when I am home alone, I don’t even turn on the set. And I do cook for one…because there are things that “we” don’t like…but I really do!

  14. My hubby is out of town too; the only reason I am sleeping well and not booby-trapping the bedroom against intruders is because my adult son is staying here…I do have one question tho about your last entry – about Joe suddenly leaving for England in the middle of everything, a surprise to you?? !!

  15. Awww! I’m sure Joe misses you in very similar, yet distinctive, ways. Still, so nice to see you two so much in love after XX? years!

    I know all the reasons why cooking for one sucks, but let me give you the good reason for cooking for 1+something: Cook your cat’s favorite people food, and she WILL thank you for it. As an example, my first cat was a junkie for turkey. He was so addicted, he would have mainlined it if he could. If I made some form of cooked turkey and did not give him some to eat, he would be on the dinner table and eating off my plate before I could even sit down! Yet, if I gave him some first, I was sure to be treated to much affectionate rubbing, purring, and cuddling that evening! (And, I could eat my meal in peace!)

    Finally, I don’t think The Blog really wants to know where Joe inserts “his insert-object-I’m-not-responsible-for here”. (Hope your mouth wasn’t full when you read that!)

  16. My husband just got back from a trip during which I concluded it is absolutely better to be the one leaving than the one staying. The time alone was nice to just do my own thing, but we make sure each of us gets some of that kind of time anyway. Having the bed to myself could possibly be nice, but mostly it’s just cold and I can’t sleep anyway. I usually end up awake until 4am when I can finally fall asleep. Usually I just go with him, but this time it didn’t work out. Really glad he’s back!

  17. I lost my 38 year old husband to colon cancer earlier this month. He was sick for two years, so his passing wasn’t a surprise. But you don’t really realize how much you talk to your partner until they’re not there.

    • Yes, exactly, and you find out that you miss all the things that you laughed about together. Pets are wonderfully comforting, but they have no sense of humor. You cook because cold cereal or bread and cheese are not acceptable nutrition 3 times a day. And you need to survive. 10 months and trying not to count the days since my DH of 40 years died. It does eventually get easier.

    • This post was very moving to me. I lost my husband suddenly 6 months ago, and would give anything for his crazy, “where do you keep the butter questions”. Even though he was not a “neat freak” , it’s funny how just having him here kept me more organized and a much better house keeper than I have become since his passing.

  18. This is super interesting to me! I actually find I still miss my spouse even during the times we wouldn’t be together, when he’s out of town. I just hate it. But, I guess it makes me appreciate having him at home more!

  19. Aww, we need a Joe picture. You make me miss him. I love the sock! What is the yarn? Is it the same as that other one you had with all the pretty colors, Trekking something?

  20. With my husband the glasses are the never-ending search. He didn’t grow up blind without them like I did so it was never imprinted in his psyche that one must never ever put them down somewhere weird. I got him a mug out of the kitchen for him to put them in at night and he mostly does that now.

    But yeah. Houses are strange with the other one gone. Said the woman who was the one gone for three days two (really? two already?) weekends ago.

    • Love your post. Except in our house, I’m the one who makes her a cappuccino every morning, plus I’m the finder of lost things.

      Amen to the glasses thing: even though I don’t normally wear glasses, I understand that when they are not on your face they MUST be in an easily findable and trip-free location.

      And neither of us sleep very well when the others gone, like this week. 8-(

  21. My husband works away a lot. The big difference between ‘him away’ and ‘me away’ is that he just walks out of the door, I have to make sure there is food, that the pets are going to be OK (used to be kids but they are grown and flown), that minute instructions are left for deliveries expected, letters that need to be sent, calls that need to be made . . . and a reminder that while I am away he can’t just leave if plans change because the dog will starve!

  22. Need to show this to hubbie – he has always been away a lot and I think he sometimes thinks I hardly notice because I have always dealt with everything and sometimes, yes, it’s a nuisance when he “upsets” my routines when he’s home – but you express very well how nevertheless, it still takes two!! Thanks!

  23. I live on my own, so if I didn’t cook for one, I wouldn’t eat! Seriously though, it’s really important to cook, even if it’s just for yourself, as long as it doesn’t take you longer to cook it than it does to eat it!

    • I agree. If I don’t cook for myself, I am left with tv dinners, cold cereal, or fast food. Luckily I have no problem eating leftovers. I cook two or three normal-serves-a-family-of-4 meals a week, and then keep eating them for lunches and fast dinners till they are gone.

  24. Thank you for this. My husband was gone on a 17 day trip following his hobby of air museums and I feel the same way as you do. House that we live in together is so different. I didn’t accomplish all that I told myself I would but I was amazed by what I did accomplish but how I missed the comfortable routine of our lives together. Thank you for echoing my thoughts and expressing them so lovingly.

  25. Boy do I understand that. But I have learned that books, hooks and needles are great company…tho not necessarily in that order.

  26. I totally get this. My husband travels a lot, leaving me with the kids and the house and my full-time schoolwork. It’s strange how quickly this becomes a routine, though. Sometimes it’s harder when he gets home because he disrupts the flow! But I sure do miss him when he’s gone.

  27. I lived alone for many years before marrying, and while I love having him around- I also really enjoy the odd day he’s gone and I can arrange my own schedule. And I sometimes miss the ability to do noisy household chores at odd hours.

  28. My husband is away this week as well, and you know what, it’s at night when I miss him too. He is usually gone during the day, as I am, but this week I am on break from work. So while I am having hugely productive days, around the time when he would be walking through the door, is when the loneliness kicks in. I have one kid off at college, and the other is working (she’s on school break also), and in true teen form, in her room doing “whatever” when she’s home. It’s awful quiet with no one to talk too.

  29. I agree with the idea that it’s crazy to cook for one, although I do it out of necessity! I’d much rather just eat out all the time… 🙂

  30. Dear Stephanie,
    Enjoy your productive time at home. I know you’re much younger than I, but when the time comes that Joe retires you will not get anything done. The house will always be dirty from people being in it and your knitting will be constantly interrupted (a real pain when you’re in the middle of a difficult pattern). Like your Joe, my husband worked strange hours and I missed him, but at least I got work done. It can take me two weeks to knit a single pair of socks because of interruptions.

  31. BOY do I know exactly how you feel. I’m the same when my husbeast is away at work. He’s an X-ray Tech in Trail, BC and when he picks up shifts it’s usually for 3 days straight so he doesn’t come home for 2 nights. I’ve become accustomed to staying up til 1 or 2am (yes a.m.) knitting, spinning or just plotting the next project. HATE going to bed by myself – so I stay up until my eyes are like sandpaper LOL.

    • Hi Monique. You don’t say where you live but since your husband is away overnight, I gather it is not Trail. But, anyway, I live in Creston!

  32. I think that’s the hallmark of a good relationship. You’re both independent enough to spend time apart, and you’re able to thrive without each other, but do miss spending time together and prefer your life together. I’m anxious to see if the fella and I achieve this dynamic when we’re finally able to live in the same time zone 😉

  33. During our 16 years in Washington, DC, my husband globe-trotted and I stayed home. I couldn’t work on a quasi-diplomatic visa, so I knitted and took classes with Alice Starmore and Debbie Bliss and went to the Maryland Sheep and Wool Festival. We got used to life at a distance. Now we’re back in Canada and Bill’s retired and home all the time. We ended up “upsizing” our house to maintain enough space and distance so we don’t drive each other crazy. As one of my friends said, “For better or worse, but not for lunch”.

  34. I love this. Relationships are strange like that. I too feel the same as you when my Jimmy is away. I’ve often wondered what its like when I’m not there. Love this post.

    A very knew knitter and enjoying your blog posts and books tremendously.

  35. So speaks the heart. My men (one big, one under-two) can drive me nuts in a moment, but I miss them greatly when they’re off doing their own things in the day.

  36. I always cook when my husband is gone (which is not particularly often anymore). He is allergic to crustaceans and eliminating them from my cooking repertoire is a miniature tragedy. When he’s out of town I throw myself a one woman shrimp-fest, with a side of crab cakes. 😀

    And then I wash all of the pots and pans a few extra times and give everything a good scrub down…

  37. Ah…you married ladies make me laugh. But fondly. As for cooking for one, that’s what I have done most of my life. I truly like it but some days I would give anything for a meal cooked by someone else (not from a restaurant, those are different.)

  38. I too lost my DG at an early age (49). I used to love his golf trips and softball nights with the “guys” so I could have peace and quiet and watch something other than sports on TV. Now I miss the ease and comfort of our daily interactions. It does get easier, but when you lose the love of your life, you miss them forever. he once gave me an anniversary card that showed a man opening a fridge full of butter, saying to his wife “Hon, where’s the butter?” It showed me that he knew of his little annoyances, but appreciated and loved me for my patience with them (and him). I still have that card. You and Joe and lucky to have each other and a lasting love. Enjoy the time alone and hug him for us when he gets back. thanks for this post.

  39. What others have said. One of your best posts ever. Thanks,
    and give Joe a hug from The Blog, you both deserve it.

  40. My soon-to-be husband travels a lot too. Like you, I also enjoy the time to catch up with friends, do my own hobbies or just enjoy some quiet time and having the house to myself. I’m 43 and this is the first marriage for both of us so I’ve had a lot of experience being alone. But being alone now is different than being alone and single. Strange, indeed.

  41. My fiancee has a fly-in/fly-out job…And I miss him all the time, even when I’m not consciously thinking of it. It’s soooooo tough. There’s not much else to say about it.

    Have dinner with friends, get work done…Those are the best coping strategies. 🙂

    Katie =^..^=

  42. To Allison and Adele, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. My sympathy goes to both of you. Stephanie, my husband occasionally travels, and it’s kind of fun to be out of routine for a few days. The dog and I just hang out. I can practice the cello all day if I want to, without driving anyone crazy. I just cook a bit for myself, not a whole big meal. I don’t clean up much until about ten minutes before he gets home. I can knit all day too, if I want to. It’s fun because I know in a few days, he’ll be back, and we’ll get back to the routine we share together.

  43. When my father retired my mother lost her independence. Now he’s been gone three months (cancer) and things are different again.

  44. This is sweet to read. My husband is in the music industry, too. He just finished recording a band the other week and is now working on cleaning up the tracks and mixing, so I’ve had all of 20 minutes a day with him for most of those weeks. It’s frustrating and lonely to not get the time to connect. My husband also went to Toronto for a few months for music industry work while I stayed here and that was VERY hard on both of us for that period.

  45. Having spent a long time in a marriage where there was no physical separation, but the emotional separation was pretty near unbearable, it’s been weird to come to terms with physical separation in my current relationship, where there is no emotional gulf. My husband is a person who needs a weekend to himself, with no one to talk to, nowhere to be, a few times a year, and not one minute goes by that I don’t miss him. Like others have said, I don’t sleep well without him there, and often end up drifting off in the wee hours of the morning, with fitful sleep until the sun rises. I don’t have to wonder how he feels, though. For a man who doesn’t want to have to speak to anyone for a few days, he texts an awful lot to make sure I’m still there, tell me I’m loved, let me know he’s on his way home.

  46. Love this post ! Of course, I guess I must do a lot of back-reading to find out what sort of music Joe plays 🙂 .
    I am the knit-picker in our house though… the one who knits mornings, knit-walks in the days, and when I’m really busy (not so often, I’m a pansy really) … gig at night (but never late) Still I wake up early and send my hub’ off to work with lunch). 🙂

  47. My sweetie is gone for 31 days, quite out of touch. I miss talking to him on the phone every day. I find myself doing a lot of nothing, waiting for the phone to ring.

  48. When I was married to my first husband, he was in the Air Force, and then the Coast Guard, and was sometimes gone for five or six months at a stretch. I missed him, but then I didn’t to the same extent, and when he would get back it was a big shock. I think it was a big reason (one of many) why he was my *first husband*. When my DH travels now, I have all the effects of lack of sleep and missing the ‘normal’ that have been expressed. Thanks for the blog, Stephanie, and beautiful socks!

  49. When my hubby is gone in the evenings I knit, think about what he would like, spin, think about what to make for him out of what I am spinning, weave and think about what…well, you get the line by now….
    Barb R.
    Shelton CT

  50. In February I lost my beloved David, after 30 years together and 27 years of marriage, to a hospital-acquired infection after bypass surgery. He died the day after his 60th birthday. It was horrible, but I am grateful that I was there when it happened and that he had me with him. I have no earthly idea what to do with myself and I can barely even knit. I have to make myself eat. Like Joe, he was in the business of making music happen. He was the smartest, kindest, most generous, most devastatingly funny person I have ever known. I am so grateful for pets; coming home from work is unbearable, but coming home to an utterly empty house would be beyond unbearable. I’m glad you treasure the time you have with Joe, Steph. It can be taken away from you in a flash. What I would give to be looking for Dave’s wallet or keys right now…

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