I’d like to take this opportunity to publicly apologise to these socks. If they weren’t inanimate objects and actually had feelings, we’d probably be on our way to some sort of couples therapy right now, and I don’t think it would be going well for me.
She’d be asking me questions like “Don’t you think the socks have a right to be upset with you? Didn’t you tell them that you were going to finish them by the 17th of June? Isn’t it July? How do you think they felt when you posted pictures of them on the internet when they were completely unfinished, and then called them names and said in front of everyone that you were sick of them, that they were boring… that you were going to end it if they didn’t try harder to entertain you. I think we have to validate the socks feelings of humiliation here.”
Then I’d be stammering, and trying to come up with a defence, and I’m sure that I would try and come up with some excuse. You know, I was busy, it was a joke, I write the blog for fun and I didn’t know I was hurting the socks feelings… blah, blah, blah. I’d sit there, and I’d apologise to the socks, and I’d tell them that I never meant to hurt them or shame them in front of the other socks. I’d say things like “Socks, you’re self-patterning, you know I’ve always loved self-patterning, you’re one of the enduring loves of my life, it’s just… The Rally. The Rally is hard on my time man, and I know I’ve blown knitting deadlines in the past but I’m just really stressed out and I love your stripes baby, you’re classic, and enduring and really cheerful and I didn’t mean it when I said you were infernal and a pain in the arse it was just a bad day, or days… you know what I mean socks, It’s just that I…”
Then the therapist would put up her hand in a gesture to stop me, and she’d shake her head softly, and the socks would burst into tears and finally say it. They’d look at me with resentment and hurt and their gussets would blaze with anger as they shrieked “WE KNOW ABOUT THE OTHER SOCKS STEPH. WE SAW YOU TOGETHER. YOU DIDN’T EVEN CLOSE THE PROJECT BAG.”
And there would be nothing I could do or say to defend myself. I am that kind of knitter, and there’s no point in pretending. I’d just block them like I always do, and move on.