Warning: I have tried to make this shorter. It didn’t work. Hi. It’s me.
Over the last two years, I’ve made a commitment to PWA and the Bike Rally, that amongst other things, has meant that I was the Co-Chair last year, and (in a stunning turn of events) made me the sole Chair this year. There’s been a lot of fallout from that – not the least of which is that my house has never been more trashed, my blog never more neglected, my friends and family have never needed to be more steadfast in their support as I’ve needed more handholding (both literal and figurative) as I’ve tried so hard to move forward through this challenge. It’s been difficult for everyone – especially Joe, as he’s needed to work extra hard to make up for the shortfall in my income as I’ve essentially taken a leave of absence to direct my energy towards the Rally and its success, and dude has done more dishes than he really bargained for. (Thanks buddy. You’re the best.)
I couldn’t have predicted that it would be like this. I knew a lot about what challenges lay ahead when I decided to take it on, but I didn’t know that destiny had a few curve balls to throw my way – who could have guessed, for example, that my Mum, my biggest help, supporter and longtime lightpost would be forced out of existence just a few days after I took it on, and that I’d navigate this whole thing while trying to manage my grief, the grief of my family, that it would be compounded by the loss of Susan shortly after, or the reconfiguration of everything that followed. It has been complicated.
I will no longer be the Chair of the Bike Rally in 80 days. Increasingly, I find myself doubling down, working even harder, saying to myself that if you’re going to make a commitment, a sacrifice, that it should be absolutely worth it, and that if this hard thing was worth doing, it is worth doing well, and so every day I send emails and wrangle a hardworking Steering Committee and navigate the Board and volunteers and worry about training rides for everyone else and worry about my own 50 year old body making it through training and I am consumed with concern about whether or not everyone is safe and worry that this effort- investing in the sustaining fundraiser for PWA will fail to sustain them if I don’t get and keep my s**t together… and Blog, I feel like I can say this to you because we are so close… it has been scary and hard and I hope I am the right person to be in charge because so many people are counting on me for their very lives and worse….
I have started a countdown. Any minute of any day you can ask me how long it is until the Bike Rally safely arrives in Montreal, and I can tell you how many days, hours and minutes it is until that happens, and WORSE I have begun thinking of that moment, the minute that the responsibility for this transfers to some other brave soul, as the moment that I get my life back.
Today I had an epiphany (which is a word that sounds like Stephanie and I have always liked it for that.)
This is my life.
I am not waiting to get it back. This is my one wild and precious trip around the earth, and I know that when my Mum died, nobody could have been more surprised than she was. I know for a fact that she thought she had more time. That she was going to clean out her junk drawer, get the basement sorted, make a more time for more people, do even better in contributing to charities, and that when she left me, she was not done. Not by a long shot- and I realized that I don’t want to keep thinking about the days that I spend on this as a weird period I’m going through that will result in my real-life coming back. This is real life.
This is a world where every day you have just that day to make a difference, and here’s what I’ve learned about the Bike Rally, and the people who take part in it – They have all decided to give a voice to those that can’t be heard loudly enough. Increasingly, as we get a grip on HIV/AIDS, it is those that are privileged that reap the greatest benefits. Those with access to healthcare, money, homes and support are living longer and better lives. On the other side, people who don’t have those things (women, children, immigrants, indigenous people, refugees, those struggling with mental illness and addiction) fall farther under the wheel, and need our defence. (I will quietly state that much of the current political climate does little to help these people and families and leave it there.)
So- here I am, late (because the state of my inbox means that I am late to everything right now) asking for your help. Once again, Team Knit will ride for the Rally, and for people who need us, and we’re going to ask you to do what you can. This year Team Knit is:
Once again, I’m going to try and raise a ton of money, and like last year, I have a private and deeply personal crazy-pants goal. To this end, we’re going to do Karmic Balancing gifts again, because I think I can answer that many emails. (I hope I am not wrong.) As often as I can between now and the Rally, I’ll choose from amongst the people who’ve helped and redirect a knitterly (or spinnerly) gift from someone else who wants to help.*
It’s going to be all about the Karma – just like we try to make it every year. We’re trying to change lives here, make things better for some people, and there’s so much more to that than money, so, here’s the thing. If you donate to anyone on our little family team then please send me an email letting me know you’ve done so. Make the subject line “I helped” and send it to stephanieATyarnharlotDOTca. (Note the .ca it’s a Canada thing.) Include your name, address, and whether or not you spin. (For the love of all things woolly, please use the subject line. It makes your email go to a specific folder and you have no idea what a difference that makes to my sanity.) You don’t need to say what you gave, or include proof. I know you’ll do your best, whatever that is, and I know you wouldn’t lie. (If you’ve already given this year, obviously you should send an email.)
Now, we know not everyone has money to help with – so we’re taking all kinds of help. If you can figure out some other way to do that, that counts. Maybe you can tell a friend. Maybe you can post about it to social media. Maybe you can forward the email to people in your family who will give… There’s lots and lots of ways to help, and if you can figure out a way? Send that email, letting me know you did. No money needed. (Of course, money is always good too, and even the smallest gifts make a big difference.)
*If you want to contribute a gift, I’m trying to make it easier -I have a better shot at getting it all done if you do this: Take a picture of your gift. Email me with the subject line “Karmic Balancing” with the details, picture and a link, if you want me to use one. When one of the helpers is chosen for a gift, I’ll email you the address, and you can ship it right to them. (It’s not a bad idea to let me know if you have shipping restrictions – I’ll keep track.) I’ll try to get through them all, though it can be overwhelming. Thank you!
Finally, I know that many of you will lovingly speak of self-care to me right now. Know that I hear you, and that I’m doing it, while knowing that self-care isn’t anything without community care, and that we all have a responsibility to create the world we want. This last weekend I didn’t just ride my bike 80km, answer a million emails and try to be a good mother and grandmother, I also gratefully watched while Joe made dinner, told Ken all about everything hard and lay helplessly on Cameron’s couch after a marathon meeting while he plied me with wine and told me what a great job I’m doing, and we worked on his knitting, and mine, and I thought about how this is my one trip. I can’t wait for when I get my life back. This is my life.
I’d love your help.