I was up early this morning – I hadn’t really planned on blogging today, but I’m trying to be more connected and less siloed in this work, so when anxiety got me up a bit earlier than I planned, I came to you. I’ve been waking up really early the last little bit. I wake up and then lie there, and start to turn a thousand problems and ideas over in my head and then realize I can’t get back to sleep, and then figure I’m wasting time two ways, by not sleeping and not working, and figure that if I can’t do one I should do the other. (I also spend time
wondering if being sure that people are having fun without me, and giving myself stern talkings to about bitterness, choices I have made, and the inappropriateness of developing feelings of the former in relation to the latter and working on being a better person. This morning looking at instagram I was briefly bitter that I wasn’t on the vacation of a person I’ve never even met. That’s stress trying to screw my scene again. I’m not having it, and besides yachts don’t look that fun anyway.)
So, here I am, and I’m sitting on my front steps with my knitting and my coffee and my cycling shoes, looking at my garden, feeling happy that it doesn’t seem to be as scorching as yesterday and getting ready to start my back to backs.
(This is just a quick scarf/cowl thing – I had a knitting emergency on my way to the cottage when I realized I was going to finish my cowl and didn’t have something else to knit, so I grabbed a needle and a ball of yarn that didn’t need winding and when I got there, I let Megan pick the pattern. She chose the Peace of Wild Things shawl, and the yarn is Berroco’s Ultra Wool Fine, in Denim. One ball does it.This is a super fast knit – even with my current knitting-time drought it’s coming together.)
Now, until I became the Chair of the Rally, there wasn’t a ton about it that gave me the willies anymore. There are parts of it that I don’t enjoy – like the hills or the heat (or the rain or the spiders) but after a few years of doing the thing there were two things I know about the stuff that’s not fun. First, I can do it, because I’ve done it before, and second, because I’ve done it before I know exactly how much it’s going to suck. I take a lot of deep breaths. Now, since I became the Chair, there’s a lot that gives me the willies. As a rider, rain sucks. As the Chair, the thought leaves me going over the disaster preparedness plan a 46th time. As I rider, I don’t like lugging my bins around – as the chair, I’m aware that the Rustlers team of volunteers move bins 7600 times (that’s the actual number) during the rally and I worry that someone will forget to latch the back of a truck. As a rider, I worried about getting lost. As the Chair, I worry there will be a mistake on a map and we’ll lose 250 riders. You see what I mean.
From this point of view, my training has seemed like the least of my problems, and I haven’t been out there as much as I could have been, and now today I start my back-to-backs. Back-to-backs are two rides longer than 90km that you need to complete on two consecutive days – back-to-back. The general feeling is that if you can do that, you can do the Rally, and every year I get a real case of the willies leading up to getting it done. I hate it. I hate that you don’t know if you can do it until you do – I hate that one of the rides is always ridiculously difficult (that’s today) and this year, I hate that I wasn’t able to start my back-to-backs yesterday with a group of riders because I was at a training session for the crew. (Don’t get that part wrong, I begrudge the crew nothing, I just wish I could clone myself sometimes.) It means that tomorrow I have to do my second long ride without the support of a big team.
Today I’ve got Ken, and we’ll ride (get this) 114km (that’s 71 miles, for my American friends) and if I survive, tomorrow I’ll ride 90, hopefully with Cameron. (Team Knit all has different pressures, schedules and neurosis. We’re each handling our back-to-backs differently. Except Pato, who is young, confident, and not worried at all. I cannot wait for him to turn 30 so I can say HOW ARE YOUR KNEES NOW PATO.)
My map is printed (though Ken has GPS I do not trust it) and I froze water in my bottles last night because it’s a million degrees still, I’ve pumped my tires, I put on sunscreen, I have my phone charged and money for lunch. I’m ready I think, and I’m looking forward to the feeling I’ll have tomorrow when it’s done and I’ve proved I’m physically ready.
Day one of the Back-to-Backs… bring it.