Oh the Humanity.

Stephanie, you have truly missed your calling. You are the funniest woman on earth. I only hope it's true. Sorry, but it was a joy. I was right there with ya too. Till you got on the elevator. Hope you kept the towel.

And the sock missed it all. Pity.

"Posted at 01:20 a.m." WHERE???? (In other words, regardless of which continental North American time zone it was, why did it not show up on my computer until 6:04 p.m. EDT?) Perhaps the Harlot has warped the space-time continuum!

Anyway, Stephanie, I almost hurt myself laughing at that one. And I hope your long lie down after returning to the hotel room also involved most of the contents of the mini-bar. Incidents like these are what they're designed for.

Thank you, thank you for a wonderful evening. Remember to speak with your publisher about a yarn per diem for your next book tour. After all, it's got to be legitimate market research, right?

Stephanie, I enjoyed your presentation at Capilano Library in North Vancouver. I was the guy sitting at the back with the huge wooden needles that Im planning to use when I take up drumming - they're coming with my to my next life I guess since my partner at present just might not countenance drumming in our apartment.

Just before you met Indiegirl, my step-daughter Holli was chatting with you - she is too shy but really should have told you she was Holli Yeoh, Queen Bee of www.beeskneesknits.com - . I'm very proud of her work and as a dutiful father had to let you know. When she saw the picture of you out at dinner with Sivia, Lynn and friends, she rued the fact that she is so shy.

Just as well though. I had to get back to the West End before it was too late and they blocked all the traffic for the fireworks display.

I finished the sweater I was knitting on the huge needles. Well, the knitting. Now I have to sew it up and knit the collar. This weekend (August 13) is National Knit in the Park day, and I have encouraged the members of my Gay Knitting group to show up along with the members of the West Coast Knitting Guild (I'm their first and still only, male member!)

Hope you find a Knit in the Park event to share with the sock. May I say that your story about the "bacon powder" made me laugh so much I thought I would wash out my contact lenses. Thanks for lighting up the room with your energy. And the fact that you could make funny about "bacon powder" disproves your statement that you are only funny about knitting. You have the making of a real comedian. Lucille Ball look out.

Cheers

Nigel Pottle

Ok, that ranks right up there with my worst travel stories. I'm still wiping the tears from my eyes. Thanks for sharing.

And we all thought our mothers were joking about the pretty clean underwear and 'accidents' Thank goodness for understanding personnel in the hospitality industry! The sock may have missed out on this mini-adventure, but what sock adventures have You missed out on?!

Awww! I can't believe I missed you! Nobody else ever comes to Edmonton, so I never checked your itinerary. :P

Oh dear, that'll leave some emotional scars! But god you tell a great story! I'm glad you happened upon a nice gentleman to help you out and I too hope the lie down involved a stiff drink (or two...three...).

That remarkably rude behavior from the lady(well, female person) in the checkin-line reminds me of the "I have bigger insurance than you"-line in the movie "Fried green tomatoes". If you haven't seen it, do it. I always wish I had that nerve and also a quick and *killing* remark for those occations.
Congratulations with the "elevator ride of the week award". :)

That remarkably rude behavior from the lady(well, female person) in the checkin-line reminds me of the "I have bigger insurance than you"-line in the movie "Fried green tomatoes". If you haven't seen it, do it. I always wish I had that nerve and also a quick and *killing* remark for those occations.
Congratulations with the "elevator ride of the week award". :)

That remarkably rude behavior from the lady(well, female person) in the checkin-line reminds me of the "I have bigger insurance than you"-line in the movie "Fried green tomatoes". If you haven't seen it, do it. I always wish I had that nerve and also a quick and *killing* remark for those occations.
Congratulations with the "elevator ride of the week award". :)

Yikes - guess looking for something more "extreme" in Edmonton wasn't such a good idea. Holli has stunning patterns - you may remember Devan from Knitty - excellent use for all that knitter's methadone (sock yarn) - that you've been picking up.

Just a note about check in. Since you used the Electronic check in, you did not need to get back into the same line. Some one should have directed you to the line that's just for putting your baggage on the conveyor belt. It's usually at the end of the check-in counters and yes there is a line up but not a long one.

On the other hand I travel with carry on only, which means I never even have to visit that line. but I suppose with a suitcase full of yarn and a suitcase of clothes you couldn't avoid it. Unless you decided that a change of underwear and a change of socks was all you needed anyway. That way you could stuff all the yarn into one bag, sized for carry-on and then take your underwear, your socks, any medications and your sock on it's needles in your "purse". (Always carry a big purse, that's the trick. A small backpack works for that too. - You just call it your purse and they let you take it on with you.)

Just a note about check in. Since you used the Electronic check in, you did not need to get back into the same line. Some one should have directed you to the line that's just for putting your baggage on the conveyor belt. It's usually at the end of the check-in counters and yes there is a line up but not a long one.

On the other hand I travel with carry on only, which means I never even have to visit that line. but I suppose with a suitcase full of yarn and a suitcase of clothes you couldn't avoid it. Unless you decided that a change of underwear and a change of socks was all you needed anyway. That way you could stuff all the yarn into one bag, sized for carry-on and then take your underwear, your socks, any medications and your sock on it's needles in your "purse". (Always carry a big purse, that's the trick. A small backpack works for that too. - You just call it your purse and they let you take it on with you.)

Howey Cwap...the Universe needs you to go home to Toronto. You are killing me and I felt every measure of your pain, simply because you lived everyone's WORST NIGHTMARE, right out loud. Oh Steph...you must have a photographic memory because that was a close one...I need to check the age of my undies RIGHT NOW.

I've been reading your blog since your first post and always enjoyed it immensely, but never commented. Today however you had the tears rolling down my face. Although I'm sure you didn't think so at the time, its just too funny. I imagine this will be a stop on your tour you'll never forget.

Please, please include a disclaimer at the beginning of your blog along the lines of, "Empty your bladder and swallow your drink before reading this post." I have tears rolling down my cheeks.

Oh my stars, i don't know whether to laugh or cry. Or both. That woman WILL get her karmic comeuppance, I assure you. And you got through it without behaving shamefully (though you would have had every right on earth to tell that wretched woman off). Sorry that the sock is homesick, but it (and you) will be going home in a couple of days, won't you? May the rest of your journey be without incident.

Oh Stephanie!
sweet lord -- What a nightmare.
Will you be home soon?

Oh My.
That lady in the check in line deserved a big accidental poke with a double pointed needle.
And I'm now going to throw out all my hole-y undies. You just never know, eh?
Sorry about the homesickness. I'm sure that everyone at home misses you too! (when they're not gorging on ice cream, that is)

Because I love you I will NOT ask why you stepped far enough out into the hall wearing only your undiesfor the door to be able to click shut . Flauntin' the rack again?..no, I will not speculate,

because it simply certifies you as a member of the sisterhood of great living writers. Barbara Kingsolver had nearly the same thing happen to her -- it was a long t-shirt her preschooler had colored, instead. And Louis Nordan (granted, very young and drunk) did it naked. His theory was that he'd run to the communal bathroom (NOT as nice a hotel as yours) and swathe his nether regions in a toilet paper loincloth. Know those dispensers which only let you have one sheet at a time? The rest of the story involves sticking each one on with water...

As it is you simply have an excuse -- no, really a duty -- to buy some really fine underwear.

Ouch. I'm sorry. It can only get better, right?

Ah, but at least you were wearing that bra, eh?

Oy vey. I came home from a sh**ty day at work, and somehow you've made me feel both better and worse! :0 (Worse for complaining about my day!)
I think we've all learned a lesson today - never take the room service tray outside - let them clean it up when they clean the room. Oh, and mean people suck.

My bad day was made better by your bad day. Thanks :)

Oh goodness. On the bright side, at least you were wearing the bra (unless you bought more for the tour).

My advice: save your ticket stubs and apply for frequent flier miles. You've practically flown all about the USA so you should be almost qualified for something on some airline. Strive for the 'premiere class' frequent flier status that lets you hop on into the first class and 'I fly so much my needles have stamps' line.

After snagging the towel, I think I would have fainted near my door and waited for someone to find me. Or pretended to faint. Or coshed myself on the head with something and lay there pretending I had been knocked out by some perverted criminal. You were so so so brave to go to the lobby in the elevator - even if you didn't get out.

On the other hand - it's all book material now, isn't it.

Kathy just said what I was going to... Was it a special occasion?

Poor, poor YH! I thought perhaps you might have found a newspaper, like that guy in the TV commercial who shows up at the front desk wrapped in the newspaper, except people are trying to read it while he's wearing it.
Sometimes people are sooo rude, you want to smack them... and then others are so nice, you want to hug them. Road rage isn't confined to the roadways anymore!
Your post today was precious. Hang in there...

Only you. Really. Only you, Steph.

You are truly my hero.

Bloody hell !

Hope you'll be home soon. I'm sure that Joe and the girls are missing the sock too. ;-]

Oh dear god. And I thought I lost my sh*t. At least I had pants on.

Sorry to hear about your trials and tribulations. I'm impressed that you didn't even bend your needles by stabbing that woman who cut in front of you in line. I'm even more impressed that you didn't even think about it (or admit to thinking about it).
I don't even know what to say about the hotel thing. Didn't you say once that you don't often wear bras? (Is it weird that I remember that?) Anyway, I guess you can be thankful that you actually had one on...

Oh, Stephanie.

You SO rule. You so, so, so, so, SO utterly rule this universe... ...and the knitters are the first to find out. Lucky, ain't we?

Oh Harlot Dear, that is just too too much. Y'know, it's unfortunate you didn't have the sock, because I'm pretty sure knitting (nearly) naked in the elevator would have qualified as extreme knitting.

But did you ever get that sandal back?

Oh boy!

Honest to God, I can't even imagine it. Thank goodness for towels.

Dude. You owe me a new keyboard.

Hey, on the upside, you were wearing your BRA! YAY! This is an upside, right? Or maybe a little bit of a lift?

*runs away hooting madly*

Oh, so punny. Seriously though, I've been where you were with the enormous line at the airport, and hang in there until you can reunite with Mr. Washie once more!

Stephanie:

So sorry about all your travel troubles. Before "retiring" to start the yarn store, I used to run into those situations all the time. I also locked myself out in a hotel in New York while only in underwear when putting out a tray. The gentlemen? that I saw during my embarassing stint were not nearly as gentlemanly as the ones you ran into. In fact, later that day when starting my presentation - there in front of me were 2 of my "hallmates" - who say way more of me than I wanted. Since then EVERY time I step into the hallway, I push the deadbolt thing in the door so that it can't lock. Sometimes I check that 2 or 3 times.

Oh good god. It is a good thing you are on the petite side...that is one small towel

I'm so sorry, I had to laugh. Thank goodness for the kindness of strangers though, not?

oh...um...oh my.

As I'm on my way to a business trip in Denver, this story made me laugh out loud! I'll keep my key taped to my body at all times.

doesn't it say at the end of the blog for the 8th that 'tomorrow' you were going to have a lie down? you went mighty far to get to the lie down part. poor dear , but ya know what? me too; the last time i flew, which was the first time i had flown in Years. i was so nervous that here in my home town, after i'd gotten checked in i asked the nice genltleman behind the counter, now i go up stairs right? and he looked sadly at me and said M'am you are upstairs. on the way back, in the atlanta airport was where i learned that one can simply swipe that bar code and go to the baggage counter. LOL when the nice lady behind the counter call my name almost immediately after i had swiped the bar code, i thought for sure my plastic cir. and my washrag and i were all going in for a full body search.
rest yourself.
marie

Now that's a good concierge. And shame on that lady whose family cut in front of you at the airport! I hope her plane was NOT delayed. ;)

Yikes!... I only hope that the dreadful psychological association to these events won't make you swear off knitting the Diamond Fantasy forever!

Thank the gods you were wearing underpants (albeit old ones). Otherwise your humiliation would have been utterly complete. Don't ask me how I know, just trust me.

Oh darling, you have such self-control, I would be threatening the family with the needles. Oh yes, sock needles can be most menacing.

And then...to be locked out of your room without underwear. Heaven bless the gentleman who was so kind, he deserves it.

Dear, dear Yarn Harlot, I feel for you, I really do. I have tears in my eyes, a broad smile, but no laughter, and lots of empathy. Home will be so sweet. You can be proudly sans towel.

that
is
the
funniest
story
EVER!

That is a nightmare... those things don't really happen! Say it isn't true! Take it back! CRAP... Now it's going to happen to me.

Seriously???

I am bookmarking this particular post for whenever I'm feeling like life's not fair and I'm having a bad day. I'm sure it will help me put things in perspective. I think the neighbors heard me laughing!

OMG. You have me laughing out loud in my office. But don't get me wrong, I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing with you!

Seriously, I hope the rest of your trek goes well without a hitch (or a "click"). I'm sorry I missed you in Berkeley, but my SnB group was well represented. Not that it makes missing you any better, but I am glad some of my cohorts got to meet you. (Now if only I had given one of them my book for an autograph and my socks for a photo with you... )

And the offer stilll stands--if you and DH are interested in seeing the band in NY in Sept, just let me know.

Oh. No nods to you this time. A big hug is needed.
Think of it as a bathing suit. Just a bathing suit.
xoxo

The airport incident happened in Vancouver? They must have been tourists, then, for I as an American simply refuse to believe any Canadian is that rude.

Clearly you see the glass as half empty. Aren't you grateful it was one of those few times you were actually wearing a bra? :)

Your talk at the Capilano Library was a delight; I called my mother immediately afterwards (she's in Nova Scotia) so I could share every moment. Can hardly wait for your next book.

The things you get yourself into! One would almost imagine that you spice up your life simply for the sake of the blog...I do believe you though! Holy crap, a shoe, an underwear show, what next?!

Oh, also, I would have been absoloutely LIVID at the people who cut in front. Not sure if I would've been quite so patient about it, so I admire your silence!

When I was footloose and fancyfree and had spent the night in a visiting co-worker's room IN MY CLOTHES, (He was ever hopefully in his underpants), upon leaving the following morning (hungover to the nth degree), I left him bending down in the hall to get the morning newspaper. Then I heard CLICK! I proceeded to laugh my gut-wrenching, guffawing, snorting, drooling laugh all the way down the hall and down to the lobby. I considered not telling anyone he was there, but couldn't be that mean. Needless, to say everytime I looked at him during the meetings that day, I could barely contain myself! I wish I had had a sock to knit.

See Steph, you are not alone in the annals of self locking hotel doors clicking behind you when you are on the wrong side of it in your underwear!

If you had had the sock with you - you would have had the perfect entry for "extreme knitting"!!!
Knitting mostly-naked in a hotel elevator while locked out of your room! who can beat that?!!
I share your indignance with the woman at the airport - unbelievable! wishing you some restful days once you're back home.

Oh, Stephanie. . . words fail. At least you're not very tall, so the inadequate towel was more adequate than it might have been for someone else. . .

oh dear

That is *so* Canadian.

The only thing that shocks me just a little out of that ENTIRE story is the fact that you were wearing a bra. How much sock yarn will you need to buy to take the sting of humiliation out of that one, eh?

Repeat after me, "Bee Shoes."

PS Denny and I are counting down the days to when you get home. Miss you!

Oh. My. God.

That is my personal travel nightmare. Glad you had helpful people in the hotel.

Darlin', God doesn't work on credit. It's strictly payment in advance. Something good (maybe more than one thing) is coming your way, guaranteed.

Oh my. My husband is accustomed to my outbursts of uncontrollable laughter - but this one takes the cake. He is seriously re-evaluating my mental health.

I will forever be paranoid of this scenario happening to me when I travel!

I am quite sure bodily harm would have come to that rude woman if she had tried that with me! I think your response was a better one, as you weren't ejected from the airport :)

Hello! I just got a copy of your book from a friend who lives in New Hampshire and went to a brand new bookstore there and bought it for me. I did a mini Canadian tour (8 cities)in 1997 with my first short fiction collection. This too shall pass. You'll be home soon. It will be glorious. Take good, good care of yourself and your sock. The book is wonderful.
Cheers,
Pam
PS I love when they say "welcome home" as well.

O my GAWD. And I thought I have had embarrasing moments. You are the QUEEN of humiliation. No one could top THAT.....

.....'cept maybe a friend of mine who had her bare boob hanging out in a church hallway filled with MALE church officials.

Oh I don't mean to laugh at you, but your post really gave me a chuckle. Teehee!

Oh Steph, you gave me the belly aching, tears rolling down my cheek laugh that I needed. Thank you.

I don't know whether to laugh (can't help it) or say that it's a good thing you didn't run into some gleeful blogger with a cellphone camera! (Yarn Harlot indeed. *grin*)

My sympathies to you for the embarrassment; my awe for turning it into a hysterically funny posting.

- Carolyn B.

Glad you had the bra on, because if you hadn't, that *tiny* towel would have been NO HELP at all. ;o)

Here's to a fast and safe return home to your family.

oh no. Oh no. Oh No.

I was half hoping you'd say something such as "and then I woke up!" but wasn't surprised when you didn't. I don't know how you do it - with a smile on your face (I'm sure) no less.

(your height appears to have been an advantage with that towel; Had it been me I'm sure a few towels would have travelled down with me...)

Oh my. Wow. But what a story it makes. Not exactly consolation, I know.

I'm thinking that both you AND the shawl need more margaritas. It's sort of an all-purpose answer. Do you have Claudia's recipe?

OK, I would like to *give* the woman in line a problem, and I wasn't even there. Although I may have been impotent with rage. I hope she wasn't Canadian!

I am impressed with your sang froid with the towel incident, though...

Oh, Stephanie, only you could manage to not only admit this incident, but find a way to make it amusing... and then provide us with a picture of the towel... you blogged it, thus proving mothers everywhere correct in their admonishments to always wear clean underwear.

A truly memorable tale of woe. Good thing I waited to read it until I got home because I laughed so hard I wet my pants, not a good thing to do a work but no where near your tale!

OMG we don't need to be paranoid, the universe does have its ways to keep us on our toes! This is one instance that being little is a huge bonus - the towel wouldn't ever have begun to cover up my embarassment,let alone my body! Thanks for the hilarious reminder that if it is unusual and pretty unbelieveable,it's gonna happen to what seems like a chosen few. Thank you for sharing and get yourself the most fab underwear possible!

OMG we don't need to be paranoid, the universe does have its ways to keep us on our toes! This is one instance that being little is a huge bonus - the towel wouldn't ever have begun to cover up my embarassment,let alone my body! Thanks for the hilarious reminder that if it is unusual and pretty unbelieveable,it's gonna happen to what seems like a chosen few. Thank you for sharing and get yourself the most fab underwear possible!

OMG we don't need to be paranoid, the universe does have its ways to keep us on our toes! This is one instance that being little is a huge bonus - the towel wouldn't ever have begun to cover up my embarassment,let alone my body! Thanks for the hilarious reminder that if it is unusual and pretty unbelieveable,it's gonna happen to what seems like a chosen few. Thank you for sharing and get yourself the most fab underwear possible!

OMG we don't need to be paranoid, the universe does have its ways to keep us on our toes! This is one instance that being little is a huge bonus - the towel wouldn't ever have begun to cover up my embarassment,let alone my body! Thanks for the hilarious reminder that if it is unusual and pretty unbelieveable,it's gonna happen to what seems like a chosen few. Thank you for sharing and get yourself the most fab underwear possible!

oops - your latest travails are worth many more kudos - I only meant to send one, sorry!

Ohhh.... Well, at least it makes a good story. And, yeah, it's lucky that you're small enough for that towel to have been useful. I hope the rest of your trip is un-unpleasantly-eventful.

Wow. That has to be one of the worst days ever blogged. I undoubtably would have reacted the same way to the rude person and done nothing, as unsatisfying as it may seem. Just because other people are rude doesn't mean we have to be. But here's hoping her luggage ended up in a different hemisphere.

Oh, and I would have defintely used the emergency phone. I think that qualified.

OMG! lol, you poor thing! It is too bad you didn't have your knitting with you- that would have won you the extreme knitting for sure!!

First, let me say that you Canadians are just too damn polite. That woman would not have a hair on her head if she cut in front of me, or most Americans, for that matter. Second, I did not laugh....I shivered, experienced nausea, felt weak, but did. not. laugh. It was just too real.

OK, I really do feel your pain and everything. But, seriously. I haven't laughed this hard in years.

Thanks for the yucks.

Given my luck, the very same thing -- perhaps minus the book tour but hopefully not the good samaritan -- is very likely to happen to me at some point, I'm glad you've given us the play by play. I'll remember to seek shelter, track down a towel in the service area, pretend I'm fully clothed no matter who I run into while semi-nude and definitely, definitely, remember to invest in better underwear.

Thanks for being a role model for the calamity janes (and knitters) of the world.

Oh dear. I'm so sorry! But at the same time, remember that every time something that over the top happens to you, the cooler a cucumber you become. Just like when first time parents freak out over every tiny thing their kid does, listening to their fingernails grow at night, and by the third or so, things just don't faze them anymore. You're so there now, babe. Have a safe trip back!

Hahahaha....Well, at least you were wearing a bra. It could have been worse. :-)

Oh, Julie's right.

I probably would have done nothing too, but from the safety of my keyboard I'm having fantasies of yelling and screaming for security and hitting that woman with my handbag and poking her with my sharp needles. Even though needles should only be used for good, not evil, and stabbing someone with a DPN (no matter now much she deserves it) would probably lead to unfortunate consequences for all flying knitters. Oh, what a vile, loathsome person.

I felt like a soul sister with the description of the rude folks in line with you... that's me all over - politely ask them to get serious, then stand idly by when your politeness is met with rude nastiness. And I was completely floored by the hotel fiasco - what an adventure!! :P Love your book, love your blog - keep on keepin' on, Stephanie!

Oh Stephanie. You make my life sound so humdrum, but also make me happy for it! If it makes you feel any better, I am sitting hear laughing with tears running down my eyes. At least your humiliation had a purpose?

Of all the luck . . .You made it through it and the concierge was a love. Always keep some good underpants on, you might want to get rid of the sucky ones.

It's the sock's fault. It wants to come back to Vancouver. And those gawd-awful rude people at the airport? They are so not from Vancouver. They were passing through.

At least this happened to this particular Stephanie and not you:

I went to put on hand lotion on a flight to New Orleans last week. Because of the wacky air pressure, there was a fountain, a GEYSER of hand lotion when I opened the bottle. A great deal of Mt. St. Hand Lotion landed on the lap of the gentleman who was sleeping next to me.

He did not wake up.

I kept a very close eye on him and, when I saw him starting to wake up, had to lean over and say something I have never said to anyone in my life: "Um, before you move--you're covered in hand lotion."

(No further drama to report. He thought it was funny and we talked about knitting and he told me some good places to hear music in NO.)

*sniff*sniff* Oh my. I'm still crying laughing. Still sniffing and wiping the tears. I truly felt your anger until I burst out screaming laughing. I couldn't have possibly hidden behind that towel. Thank God it was you. (((Hugs))) You'll be home with Mr. Washie before you know it and all of this will be a fleeting memory. A well documented one.

I needed a laugh like that more than you can imagine. Like Laura said, I don't know if I could have done that but then again, what else could you have done?

Oh, dear - I tried to find the humor in it, but I sit here, teary-eyed with empathy, and also awe at the excellent behavior of the elevator guy, and the concierge. Is it shallow of me that it affirms my faith in the human race, and chivalry, to a degree?

Just think, though - it will make a great story for your next book :)!

ps - go indulge in some cute (and modest) undies!

Oh, dear - I tried to find the humor in it, but I sit here, teary-eyed with empathy, and also awe at the excellent behavior of the elevator guy, and the concierge. Is it shallow of me that it affirms my faith in the human race, and chivalry, to a degree?

Just think, though - it will make a great story for your next book :)!

ps - go indulge in some cute (and modest) undies!

Sorry for the above double entry - Netscape sucks.

Thank you so much for the best laugh I have had in a long time. Girl, you are hilarious.

Oh, honey. What a day... Having worked in the hotel industry, I've heard some good ones, but yours takes the cake. You are really the world's best sport :) Now, go buy cashmere to make it better....

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

NOT laughing at you, I swear! Laughing because I have had almost the exact same experience, in totallity, before!!!

Granted, I was MUCH younger (like, 13 or something) and my older sister and I locked ourselves out, while in our TINY summer pjs, of our shared hotel room whilst parents were away at a party on the first floor. My sister bribed me to get a replacement key from the front desk by offering to french-braid my hair. So, I was in my early-teens (such a mortifying age to begin with), and barely dressed, but my hair looked FAB-ulous! : )

Somehow, your situation seems worse.

p.s. Saw you in Hollywood - I forgot my book and had you sign my sock pattern.

Oh Stephanie I so feel for you.... I think I would have melted away with embarassment. I am so glad you survived to tell th story. :)

That's laugh-out-loud, tears-streaming-down-your-face funny. Thanks for sharing your misfortune for the amusement of the rest of us. Oh, and about the woman in line at the airport, you have to wonder how miserable a life she must have to be that grumpy. So sad for her.

~ Christina

OH MY GOD! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I hope you were wearing your 'good bra'.

Lovely lace pattern. ;-)

Oh and I couldn't even really laugh at the panty and bra story because I'm still so pissed off at the airport family.

It's a shame I wasn't with you - let me tell you I would've ripped them each a new one. Sometimes it's good to have an American around. ;-)

FUNNIEST
STORY
EVER!

Is it wrong that I laughed so hard at that that I had to lie down on the floor and explain to my next door neighbors that I was not, in fact, being choked to death (as the wife made her husband practically bust down my back door to make sure I was OK) but I was laughing so emphatically at your plight that I started coughing and couldn't breathe.

But we all adore you, you know that :)

Well, that certainly puts losing your sandal in perspective.

I thought that sort of thing only happened in situational comedies...only this time, I actually laughed.

I'm sorry it happened, but glad that it was terribly funny.

Although that line-jumping thing. I just hate that nauseating, roiling, confrontational stress (and humiliation for not doing more, indignation, and outrage that people don't share your sense of social contract) feeling.

(can I ask, not that it matters, expect for my unpatriotic self-loathing, were they Americans?)

I'm sorry for your torment, Stephanie, I really am, but I have to admit I was laughing like a madwoman reading your entry.

Luckily I'm visiting my in-laws, so there's really nothing to lose on the appearances and sanity thingy.

Steph, I think we live in a parallel universe. You must write a book about your book tour. There are just too many great moments to have them forgotten.

I can only say... good thing you weren't in the hall with a bare arse, eh!

Bless. Your. Heart.

I am a strong woman but I could not have survived. I love that concierge. Enjoy your stay. Indeed.

xoxo Kay

oh my good and gracious lord. well...this should stop the bakin' powder comments, or at least completely take the wind out of their sails.

Absolutely awesome to meet you Stephanie, even though I almost completely clammed up in the presence of a real life celebrity (yes you, stop looking over your shoulder). I hope you had fun with us Edmontonians and will be back on tour with the next book(s).

Angela

Consider this a sympathy card. I didn't laugh, just felt like I was going through it too. You mean so much to many people. The hotel bit was terribly uncomfortable and heart-in-the-mouth embarassing. But we should put our heads together and figure out a response to the staggering rudeness of the "person" and family at the airport, perhaps questioning out loud if she really wants to set that kind of example to her children.

Okay girl. What did your grandmother, mother and everyone else always tell you? always go out with your BEST undies on cuz You just never know what situation you may find yourself in!!!

You are too funny. I would have died!!!!!!

Oh, my god. And I thought the shoe-out-the-window story was funny. I think I just hurt myself.

Oh, my... I just can't get over the rudeness of that airport family. I probably wouldn't have been able to think of anything to say at the time, either, but if I had, or if it had just come to me later (which would mean I would be replaying it from time to time in my head from then on), it would've gone something like this:

"And what makes you think anyone else here has the time to just stand in line? You are not somehow more special than anyone else here, and it's not OUR problem that YOU don't want to wait... neither did we." At which point I would've quickly sidestepped around her, and left her to deal with the person behind me.

It always works out so much easier in your imagination, though.

Well, I'd say you've definitely done Memphis one better, except it wasn't in front of your fellow knitters and so it doesn't count. It's like a five-second rule for embarrassment.

By the way, I really enjoyed your talk at the Capilano Library. I skulked in the back, having forgotten my copy of the book, and felt ashamed of my crazy-day wild hair and end-of-wash-cycle ratty shirt. And then you told us the one about the sandal and I felt better. I too carry around lipstick and eyeliner in hopes of becoming a better person. Come again on your next tour, and I will buy the book there and wear something nice to greet you in. Eyeliner too. Promise.

You know that sound the Man in Black makes when Prince Humperdink kills him? An appropriate noise for the tragedy that befell you in your skivvies. Except it would've drawn attention to you, in your undies... but the anguish level is the same, methinks. Bravo for surviving it w/o a miracle pill. unless you count the drinks and chocolate you sureley devoured during your 'lie down.'

Oh my! After all that, karmic fairness dictates that you're pretty guaranteed to win the Global Sock-Yarn Lottery. I expect the first shipment will be waiting for you at home when you arrive.

Between you and Another Stephanie with Mt. St. Hand Lotion, I need more kleenex for my tearing eyes.

Squeee!!

Thai IS a really small towel!

You could make this into a movie - I'm casting it in my head right now!!

In case you hadn't spotted it, you're #13 on Powell's best seller list (and salon.com has your name on the front page):

http://salon.com/books/bestsellers/2005/08/10/list/index.html

Congrats! And the shawl looks gorgeous!

If you submitted it as fiction no one would belive you! I haven't laughed so much in ages. Thank you

Oh. My. God. I am never reading your blog at work again. I'm still laughing. Sounds like you handled the towel thing with great dignity, under the circumstances.

Oh my stars! You really have to add a warning when you tell stories like that about the elevator. Caught me completely off guard and next thing I knew I had white wine coming through my nose because I was laughing so hard.

ok then, i guess the sandal thing wasn't such a big deal :) i'm sending you new underpants!!

i feel guilty for laughing, but dang, i could feel myself in your place. tho, i'd be nakedy.

inky

I probably would have just died on the spot. You have a wonderful ability to share your embarrassments and make people laugh with (never at) you. Thank you for sharing your story!

Holy cow! Today the little dog I'm taking care of ran out the back door and around the house...and I ran after her, presumably to catch her.... in my underwear. But you win.

ps. I'm the girl who, in Boston, you told that scarves were a gateway drug. You were right. I'm almost done with my cardigan.

Oh gosh. It doesn't feel right to laugh, but it IS funny. I would like to assure you that this type of embarrassment happens to everybody, but I have blissfully lucked out with just a few minor lock outs and all with my clothing on.

As a representative of the hospitality industry, thank you for raising my guest consciousness. Next time I get irritated with one of our guests, I will remember this story and strive to put myself in their shoes - er, underwear.

While we do have a couple of keyed-off floors, at least you don't need one to get to the lobby. On the other hand, we're not supposed to re-issue keys without a photo ID. Guests without ID have to wait for Security to escort them up and ID something in the room. ("I left a half-knit sock on top of the alarm clock.")

Then again, I've read your book enough times I would probably recognize you.

Thank you so much for the laughter! I almost sprayed my coffee on the computer screen as I tried to laugh with my mouth shut. What a great and funny start to the day. What a tiny little towel that was --

Every travelers nightmare -- come true for YOU!! You are among the luckiest (and funniest) women alive!

Hurry home -- I'm sure Joe and the girls are missing the sock, too.

Just think that the whole experience WILL make you a better person -- Karma will shine on you and poo on the yucky airport family....

Tell me this was all a dream!!

woowoo! you must have made that old guy's day! Somthing to talk about at the Elk Lodge!

I'm feeling the mortification. If it's any consolation, you're in pretty good literary company. I remember a similar story from Barbara Kingsolver, when she was on a book tour.

I LOVE that you share this with us!

Oh good gracious heavens. I'm sitting here at my desk, giggling like a loon (do loons giggle), and at the same time, feeling just terrible about it. Surely it's callous of me to find your story so darned entertaining? And yet . . . you tell it so very well! Poor Stephanie! I'm sure you were VERY dignified, and that the sock was proud of you.

How humilitating!!!!!!! I just hope your sock appreciates all that you did for it on that trip.

oh my! WHAT a day. I think along with the good long lie down, I would also have taken a good long drink (bottle) of wine.

I know this was absolutely horrifying at the time, but just try to think of it as fodder for your next book :)

First, how absolutely hilarious - for the reader. I am quite sure you had an instant sun burn or was that "red" from pure unadulturated embarassement? I was feeling every minute of your pain since I have the bad habit of not keeping track of the key myself....However, I am happy for you that you had your bra on so it was simply a unique bathing costume? I feel that at this point the next book must simply be entitled "Yarn Harlot and Sock - Knitting Road Adventures!" Imagine the socks commentary on being left behind??? Did you at least share the lie-down with poor sock? One little tip - before venturing out the hotel door - if the hotel door has that little metal bar thingy as a second lock - put it out - it will keep the door from shutting on you (yep - it happened to me too - but at least I had sweats - no shoes on)

I am speechless.

OMG

I laughed and laughed and thought I was reading an unseen episode of Desperate Housewives. I guess that's what they make robes for but I never use them!

Okay I need some assistance from a Canadian. So could someone please help and I figure maybe even the Harlot knows the answer since she's a published author and all :)

A contest in a book I'm reading states the following:

Potential Winners from Canada will be required to answer a time-limited arithmetic skill-testing question in order to qualify as a Winner.

Go to this website

http://www.randomhouse.com/bantamdell/kinsella/sweepstakes.html

for verification and do the click here for sweepstakes rules. It's under General Conditions. What does taking a timed arithmetic test have to do with winning a contest if you're Canadian?

OMG. You need alcohol. Lots and lots. And chocolate. I'd send both, but you can probably get better stuff in Canada than I can in the States.

I don't know about you, but my mom never prepared me for that particular instance of "remember to change your underwear."

Oh my God, I'm laughing SO HARD. That could *so* happen to me! I travel for work about once a month. Well, at least we know what your next book will be....HUMOR! (not that this one's not)

Stephanie,

You are truly amazing. I only read "the Harlot" occasionally, but after today's installment, I will never miss another episode.

Having very recently flown out of Vancouver (with a Bichon Frise that was supposed to be small enough to fit under the airline seat but has turned out to be a Standard Bichon, who must ride in cargo) I have two pieces of advice: judge the time you need to allow before scheduled flight time the way you advise shaping the neck on the infant sweater, and if you are flying Air Canada start yelling ( i know this is not your style Stephanie, but it is basic survival in Air Canada wait lines) that you are going to miss your flight, waving the sock about (i have the Bichon which gets me all the attention i need, so my sock can ride peacefully in the carry on bag) and making it very clear that they are not going to want you hanging about the Air Canada ticket office after you miss the flight...

I think the Calgary airport is better organized ....but you might want to test a new attitude there.

AnnieO in O so hot Carleton Place Ontario

HOLY TAMOLE. Well, that certainly puts my teeny troubles in perspective. I would have crawled out of my skin. And that you have the sense of self-humor to share the story with the world? Well then. That's more than most can say.

I wish you as many lie-downs as you need. And a week when you return of nothing but spinning and sock knitting - in a room by yourself with the door shut ;)

I went indoor roller skating one when that was the thing to do. Some swine from hell was falling behind me and thought the best thing to do was to make a grab for my top.

I wasn't wearing a bra.

The place was packed.

If there was any way I could send you flowers I would.

I went indoor roller skating one when that was the thing to do. Some swine from hell was falling behind me and thought the best thing to do was to make a grab for my top.

I wasn't wearing a bra.

The place was packed.

If there was any way I could send you flowers I would.

I went indoor roller skating one when that was the thing to do. Some swine from hell was falling behind me and thought the best thing to do was to make a grab for my top.

I wasn't wearing a bra.

The place was packed.

If there was any way I could send you flowers I would.

I am sitting here in a public library trying not to laugh. Umm. At least you didn't miss your plane...?

Oh my god. You are the Canadian version of Mr. Bean. Tell us - have you ever had the misfortune of getting your head stuck inside a turkey?

That lady at the airport deserved a few well-placed knitting needle jabs. Good for you for not poking her. Self-restraint and all that... comes in handy sometimes. Other times, you should say "ta hell with it", hide the Canadian passport and go all disgruntled-tourist on their asses.

Ahem. Excuse me. It's time for my anger management class now.

You owe me a new keyboard. I was happily reading while drinking my coffee and I came across this line: "In fact, all I was wearing was a bra and underpants. (Not even good underpants. I should really try to do better.)"

I tried not to but I laughed so hard I spit coffee all over my keyboard -- and monitor, and everything else within a 3 foot radius.

Now I need a new keyboard. *laugh*

Bah ahahahahahahahahahaha! I'm sorry...it's really not funny....Hahahahahahahahah *wipes a tear away* You are my hero not only did you keep your composure, you had the courage to share it with tthe world.

Wait, wait - I have a new question:

Why didn't you take more than one towel?

(with one wrapped around you and the other slung casually about your shoulders, perhaps you could have faked the "fresh from the pool and darn it, I forgot my key" look).

Oh, life is just full of "what ifs" and 20/20 hindsight.

Hee hee. Hindsight.

That was so funny I made my husband read it. I think he is hooked on your blog now. Thank you.

Oh. My. God!

Too bad indeed that you didn't have the sock with you because I'd say ... screw knitting on top of the Capilano Suspension Bridge. Knitting in public, nay a mirrored elevator in public, while wearing only bra and panties would have to top ALL in the extreme knitting contest

Thank goodness for that one bra -- or it would have been that much worse

oh my gosh.. i am laughing so hard i'm crying.. and here at work that isn't good.. they think that my boss put my head in the vise.. you are just about the funniest person i know.. and i adore you for having the courage to tell us all about it.. but at least you have more fodder for another book:-) all the best and a safe trip home.. hugs Karola

OH, the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune!!! The tragedy:( and the comedy:D. God bless you and your sock! Thanks for sharing!

OH, the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune!!! The tragedy:( and the comedy:D. God bless you and your sock! Thanks for sharing!

OH, the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune!!! The tragedy:( and the comedy:D. God bless you and your sock! Thanks for sharing!

I am surprised at the rudeness of that family at the airport. Not that I haven't seen rude famiiles - I just thought they weren't Canadian!

OH, the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune! The tagedy:( and the comedy:D God bless you and your sock! We'd love to see you here in the Ozarks! Thanks for sharing!

OH, the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune! The tagedy:( and the comedy:D God bless you and your sock! We'd love to see you here in the Ozarks! Thanks for sharing!

OH, the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune! The tagedy:( and the comedy:D God bless you and your sock! We'd love to see you here in the Ozarks! Thanks for sharing!

Well...guess you can be thankful you actually had underwear on, huh? Stephanie, you are just so freaking funny. Bet the sock loved that!

Stephanie,
You should be in your own category for the extreme knitting contest - who else could experience more extreme knitting than you?

Are you sure you don't make this stuff up?? I haven't laughed so hard in a long time! Thanks for the good laugh. As for the airport incident, there are more things you can do with knitting needles than KNIT!

I'm really disappointed in the sock. One would have thought that such a privileged travel companion would have taken better care of you by either 1) opening the door for you (but then, you didn't knock, did you now?) or 2) phoned for assistance.
Seriously, you gotta know that those hotel employees have *seen it all* before...gotta love the panache of the concierge though. Send him a thankyou card!
Great story!

We shouldn't be laughing at your expense! What a story, although I think you Canadians are just a little too polite with rude strangers in lines... here in California, no one would try that kind of rude trick for fear of being assaulted, even (or maybe, especially) in a public airport. Traveling is sure taking its toll on you, but I do love the heather brown shawl and the geometric pattern unfolding... hope that is soothing over the rough edges for you.

Oh Stephanie, poor you - I'm sure you will remember your stay in Edmonton. Reminds me of the time I was joining my husband at a convention in Banff. After a 5-hour drive, I flew into the hotel, convinced a maid that she had to open his door immediately unless she wanted to clean up a puddle on the hallway carpet, rushed into the bathroom and did my business (door open). THEN I noticed that the toiletries on the counter were not familiar. Turned out my husband had changed rooms and I was intruding on a very confused gentleman who was quite nonplussed about this wild woman bursting into his room and tinkling in his john without being properly introduced! Ah well, these things happen to keep us humble.

We so enjoyed our evening with you at Audrey's Books. I wish my friend hadn't had to get home for a long distance call from her family or we would have invited you for a brew or coffee afterwards. We look forward to your next book and next visit to Edmonton. (By the way, it's Edmontonians.)

Now I return to the horrible job of reducing my stash in preparation for a move from a house to an apartment. I agree that when it comes to yarn, there is no such thing as too much, but at least there are many places where donated yarn is turned into blankets and stuff for needy or sick people.

Hope you are safe home back in ovenly Ontario (as opposed to heavenly Alberta!)
margaret

I once locked myself out of my house wearing only a towel having just stepped out of the shower. Wayne was outside and drove me around the other side of town to pick up the spare key from a friend. He actually made me go to their front door in my towel to ask for the key because he knew they would think it was funny. How embarrassing!

i suppose now you can quit having the anxiety dream about being in public in your underwear. the anxiety dream i banished by actually living it was certainly not nearly as mortifying as yours, but i think it does work that way.

Stephanie, I know you're home by now (yay!) but just wanted to say -- I think you need to put up a poll to see how many of us went out after Tuesday's post and invested in new underwear. . .

oh, and I once did get to make a scene in an airport. Portland, Maine -- two check-in desks. By the time I'd been there an hour, the two reps (it's a small airport, and was smaller then) were still talking to the people they'd been talking to when I arrived. Final boarding call had been announced when I summoned all my courage and bellowed "That's my plane." (People in Maine have Canadian tendencies, too -- there were about 20 of us hoping to get on that plane, and I was the first to yell.) At which point the two desk people returned to consciousness, called for help, and did an impressive speedy check in (as I said, it was a long time ago).

I suspect that the family who abused you lost all their luggage -- and I hope each piece went to a different location, preferably in the wrong country. . .

oh_my_gawd
I have to admit you had me sitting here laughing with coffee coming out my nose, but I know it couldnt have been funny living it *hugs*

After reading your post, I heard 8/10 was the third annual National Underwear Day. Here's a column about it: http://www.tribune-chronicle.com/columnists/story/0731202005_col01burt31.asp

I am a new knitter but bought your book anyway because despite my daunting newbie status I am utterly transfixed by knitting. I LOVE your book! So I figured I would hop on and check out your blog - This has got to be the most hilarious traveling story I have ever read - I am still wiping away tears! Youve got panache girl - Keep on Keepin On!

I am a new knitter but bought your book anyway because despite my daunting newbie status I am utterly transfixed by knitting. I LOVE your book! So I figured I would hop on and check out your blog - This has got to be the most hilarious traveling story I have ever read - I am still wiping away tears! Youve got panache girl - Keep on Keepin On!

I am a new knitter but bought your book anyway because despite my daunting newbie status I am utterly transfixed by knitting. I LOVE your book! So I figured I would hop on and check out your blog - This has got to be the most hilarious traveling story I have ever read - I am still wiping away tears! Youve got panache girl - Keep on Keepin On!

I am a new knitter but bought your book anyway because despite my daunting newbie status I am utterly transfixed by knitting. I LOVE your book! So I figured I would hop on and check out your blog - This has got to be the most hilarious traveling story I have ever read - I am still wiping away tears! Youve got panache girl - Keep on Keepin On!

oops, sorry. I guess I best ignore the "posting failed" message next time I see it :)~

About the arithmetic question: I think that Canadians aren't allowed to enter lotteries but they can enter contests, so if they win something they have to do something - such as correctly complete a simple arithmetic problem - to make it a "contest entry".

You have my sympathy on the hallway episode - fear of that is one reason I don't use room service.

Airport line-jumpers... can only be pitied because their bad karma will Get Them.

=Tamar

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! At least you're thin. That's all I can say. No tiny little towel would do ME any good!

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! At least you're thin. That's all I can say. No tiny little towel would do ME any good!

Oh, for goodness sake, I did it too. And I even double checked before submitting. Dangit.

Stephanie,

Omigod! I broke into a nervous smile when I read your trapped outside the hotel room episode.

The moral of the story: if you have room svc, don't ever bring the tray back out. If you can't stand the smell and you absolutely must do so, then squat in the doorway with your body in the room and push it out.

I do that all the time :P

Your day could totally be a Mentos commercial.

I have tears running down my face! That has got to be one of the funniest damn stories I have ever heard! Having no end of my own embarrassing stories, I am always happy to find kindred spirits!

Are your sure the sock didn't give you a little shove out the door as revenge for hanging it over the Capilano Suspension Bridge? You just never know ...

I am still laughing and crying -- maybe you're lucky to have these ridiculous things happen, because it gives you the fodder you need for your amazing writing talent!

BTW, thanks for signing the book for me that perclexed had in Seattle -- I just got it in the mail today! :)

Of all the funny things you have done, this may be the funniest. If it makes you feel better, I once locked myself out of my house in Chicago (luckily in the summer) wearing only underwear and flipflops. My spare key was downtown with my cousin who could not leave work, so I went next door to the only soul I knew and borrowed a huge pair of shorts and tee shirt to make the trek on the train. It was great fun. For him.

I'm not a knitter, but I have a friend who is. (Really!) Thankfully, said friend told me to hie myself to the blog and read. What a hoot! Especially the part about, "snagged a smallish towel." All I could think was, "A smallish towel?!?!??? Why not a stack of smallish towels with their corners tied together to form something large enough to cover the human form???!?!? Or at least a second towel to cover the head/face??" Too funny.

Congratulations on the book tour. May there be many more.

Oooh, like so many others, I think I would have died! And despite you being a knitter (not a crocheter ;-)) I'm going to read your blog more often now!

PS Was the gentleman in the lift handsome, too?

How utterly embarrassing, and beautifully retold...reminds me of my friend Dan who locked himself into the little private courtyard of his hotel room in his birthday suit...he spent several hours taking apart patio furniture and finally managed to pick the patio lock of the room, which somehow involved the curtain pulls to get back in. I say get thee to the store and buy some very nice undergarments for future travels!

If you'd had the sock with you...

you could have put in ON. Silly Harlot!

Gosh, is it something in the air? I just wrote up an entry about locking myself out... yours is better though. ;)

Thank god you found that towel!

Also, your story about those evil people in line just makes my blood boil! EVIL EVIL people! It will come back to them in the end- maybe they missed their flight. grrrrr.

If I were a knitting sort of man, I'd not need the towel, just the sock..

I've always wondered why hotel towels are so small. Now we know why.