Wow, I'm going to save that and print it out later when my kids are all teenagers. Three boys and a girl, but it's all SO relevant.
You forgot, "*Making* your Mum coffee in the morning can earn extra brownie points." I'm sending a link to this to my SIL--I think with two daughters, she'll appreciate it.
Hilarious! And absoultely valid... I too, will have to save this and edit it for my 2 nearly teen boys. I will have to bold the "I know your motives part..." I think someone is laughing at me for my wild days as a female teenager, by watching me raise boys. Ha!
Where mystery smells are concerned, I have discovered that they usually originate with the dog. Or the hamper.
If the dog has access to the hamper, then you're really in trouble.
Ah, reliving my own teenage years! So very, very true. Even my 7 year old boys knows not to bug Mum until she's had coffee.
i love this.. :-D has me grinning from ear to ear.
i think my mum would sympathise. she has four girls and a boy. i'm the eldest.
have fun with their teenage years!! :)
As the OLDEST of 3 kids, I had to fight the urge to say "BUT MOOOOOM" halfway through until I realized that you weren't talking to ME and oh gods I had the worst flashback to my late teenage years (except for the router part--we didn't have routers back then, dammit, we didn't have the internet, we had a switchboard and had to surf websites by HAND, uphill both ways! damn kids) and may I just say that this letter rules?
'Cause it does.
I can only dream of a time where I am able to employ my sense of humor to deal with The Teenage Girl. You are a mother to admire. Godspeed, and you better spike that coffee to get through this time.
Boy how I needed that today, so I didn't feel like it was just happening to me! LOL.
As far as it being relevant, it's very relavent, especially when I leave tomorrow evening and leave my husband, 4 y/o and 7 y/o girls home alone.
I'm a single mom this week too as my husband is gone to Paris, having no fun at all as it is a business trip and not a vacation. Is anyone believing that? Anyway, my 3 kids aren't teenagers yet, but thanks for warning me what the future holds. I'm sure you can remember that younger kids come with their own unique challenges!
Oy! All too familiar, other than the fact that my youngest wouldn't touch a carrot (soup or otherwise) with a 10 foot pole.
Just to warn you, there is a new show to add to your list of I-can't-believe-they-broadcast-this-crap: they gave the scariest bimbo from Flavor of Love her own show. (Sign of impending planet explosion? We can only hope)
I always read your homely blogs with great amusement as I have two just-past-teen daughters still hanging around here. My most memorable "I like daddy better than you" moment occurred when my younger was 4. Even as a shard of grief entered my heart, and even as I was thinking, well, I kind of like him, too, I managed to say calmly, "And why do you think Daddy is nicer than me?" With a cold-eyed squint astonishing in one so young, she responded, "Because he has money, and you don't have any."
35-year-old men have suspect intentions too. Don't ask me how I know this.
Hmmm, so this is why DH and I are trying to have kids...can't wait! looking forward to it! Hehe!
Alright, Steph, when and HOW did you get my daughters into YOUR house? LOL! I am positive I have said those same exact words to my daughters and I also have had that same rag on my head while lying on the couch waiting to be rescued by the daughter police (which never comes). My condolences.....
Okay, I'm laughing so hard all my co-workers now know that I snort when I laugh... too funny! Ah, the memories of the hell I put my parents through. In ten more years I'll be right in the thick of it. Yikes!
amen. I'm feeling a bit more empowered to lay down the law (about something, anything) around here.
I can't believe you said "I could care less" in #10 after Norma so nicely provided the lesson about that the other day!
Have fun in KW!
PERFECT!!! As the mother of a daughter, I agree with all of it!
I am at my desk laughing hysterically. Did I mention I am a junior high school counselor? I NEED more parents like you, Steph!!! Once again, dear Harlot, you've made my day.
Have fun tonight!
Oh god...I have a girl toddler and a suspected female in utero....is this what I have to look forward to??? I think I need to lay down...
Further to item 5, it is a wise girl who puts any desperately needed articles into her backpack the night before, since there is never enough time to find them in the morning even if everyone is for some reason fully fed and coffeed* and in a receptive frame of mind.
I have only one daughter. She is 10, and has clearly been taking instruction from your offspring. By the time she is 13 she will have a triple black belt in annoying.
*Yes, "coffee" is a verb. You can tell Norma I said so.
haha good one, gives me flashbacks to my mom. However no matter how often she told me not to blow things up in the microwave I still did it. I angered my college roomates by doing it, and I only stopped doing it when I was about 23 :)
Just remember, (assuming there is school tomorrow) that with that other parent away you will have the house to yourself for at least a few hours during the day!
Bwahaha, this is priceless. Too bad they're at an age that they can't see the humor of it ;)
Not only are you benevolent and funny, you are my hero. Thanks for giving me *the* note to post to my daughter when she's a teenager.
I think that 20 years ago, I WAS one of your daughters! Thank you for reminding me what it's like to be a teenage girl!
Hazzah, it isn't just me!!!!!
I have 4 kids (5-18 years old) Here is what I don't understand... I don't get how kids that are old enough to go and watch other children (and get paid) and go away to college - can not be at home with their siblings without someone refereeing them. Why at home does all hell break loose? I get a phone call that ends up trying to talk/calm down one of my kids - usually ends up with sending kids to their rooms till I get home.
Thank you for this. You had me laughing at the exploding soup! Then the rest of the article I was just agreeing with you. You made my day :-)
Mind if I edit this to apply to husbands? My toddler won't do any of it (although he would happily play in the dishwasher if I'd let him). This morning I awoke to an empty dishwasher, and the counter covered with dirty dishes. ...sigh...
Isn't it wonderful to know that, despite their ability to drive you batty, they're still pretty awesome kids who will turn into pretty awesome adults? (To everyone else - to you, they'll still shriek about their problems and missing hairties/guys/whatever. :-)
Freakin' hilarious. Yet soooo tragically true.
What I need is a way to print this and mail it to my children 5 years in the future when they will be at this age. Does Canada Post do that?
you may want to warn Joe that if i see him (or someone who i think *might* be him since i have little idea what he looks like, other than tall)....you might want to warn him that i might freak out. maybe i'll start prowling around quidi vidi.....looking for a guy in a really nice gansey (although it's 10 degrees and there's a hot wind coming from the south today - not gansey weather.....although in a couple hours it could be a blizzard.....)....
Also laughing hysterically here, GOOD ONE! and....
'yes ma'm' :) and they really do have it so easy. I would so be your daughter. and yes, you'd love me the mostest.....(ducking and running oh so fast)
Oh, dear. The girls don't know how to post to your blog, do they? I'd be worried about a "Dear Mom" letter in return.
Better change your password.
I have to admit that while I was doubled over in laughter I had violent flashbacks to when I was a teenager (sadly, not as long ago as I'd like to think it is). My own mother could have written this, although in my day it was sneaking banned TV like "Beverly Hills, 90210" (no internet, much less routers, to obsess over). I think I'd better call my mom and thank her for not killing me anytime between the ages of 12-19. If it's any consolation, maybe in ten years or so your own daughters will be thinking the same thing?
hang in there oh-great-knitter!
this entry makes me think twice before having kids of my own. at least twice...okay, more like 10.
i will send good vibes to you tonight. and your hair looked great on TV! go knitters!
Hmmm...I suspect you've had enough of the shenanigans going on in your house lately--and rightfully so. Good for you--your list made me laugh but it's certainly right on target. I'll think good thoughts for your survival of the dreaded and challenging "Offspring Teenage Years."
Too funny! Mine are not teenagers yet. In fact one of the is of the age where she thought asking Santa for a mom that does not put her in timeout is a good request!
can i use this for my teenage sons as well, with appropriate changes (i don't think teenage boys have suspicious intentions toward them, lol). and i did the last bit with my eldest son last summer. he was home. we had people checking on him, to include the phone. he wasn't supposed to be answering it except for specific times. he got busted!
Wow, I think I love you.
(But I think I'm on your naughty list, as I managed to set a piece of pizza on fire in my parents' microwave when I was 24... I cleaned it up, though!)
I was cracking up at this! You should write a book on parenting.
Are real mothers actually so powerless?? Then what do we poor slobs foolish enough to get ourselves hooked up with men with teenaged children not our own DO?!?!? If you can't get your very own wonderful daughters to do just one of these things, clearly here is no hope whatsoever for me to get my partner's 14-year-old girl to stop leaving her hair-filled brush, her computer, her shoes, her...stuff in the middle of the (wide open loft) living room floor, or to stop relating every life experience to an episode of "Friends" before I've had MY coffee... BUT she is a great, great kid, because she got up and made her own scrambled-egg breakfast when her 19-year-old brother, home from his first term at college, waited until his father walked in the door and then demanded Dad make him an omelet. I said "don't you DARE - you show HIM how to do it!" and people say women are the ones who spoil sons - HAHAHAHAAHAHA!! You go, Harlot! And it's worth noting to all who might read this comment - read Laura Kipnis's book "The Female Thing" - especially the chapter called "Dirt." AND- KNITTING ALERT HERE- everyone should go to the website for the Nato Summit in Latvia and see the 4500 pairs of mittens that the Latvians made for the diplomats. AWESOME!!!
You forgot 7d:
Pursuant to the above, please note that no new clothing is to enter the house during my absense. Should any clothing magically appear in the house, sent from, like, wherever Mum, it will be inspected for appropriateness. Any piece of clothing that does not contain enough fiber to be considered a "piece" of "clothing" will be unceremoniously discarded or returned to its rightful (but woefully stupid) owner.
Said store clerk/woefully stupid owner will also be subjected to stories about your breastfeeding, diapering, and rashes.
Brilliant! I'm passing that along to every mother of a daughter that I know. :)
You don´t really believe that they will read this? It´s funny to read, but absolutly useless :-))
Steph....as the Mother of FOUR girls I read and have lived almost everything comment your wrote! Sad isn't it....I have one still home in high school, she managed to use 5 towels between last night and this morning, I figure each body part maybe? I'm printing it so she can see it this afternoon, it is nice to know we all share the same thoughts and knitting too! P.S. Anyone with YouTube yet for the southern neighbors?
Youre like the "teenager whisperer" or something.
Wow-Even I shall behave today. Just in case...
My favorite part is the router. I don't have teenagers but I have a computer geek SO. The rants that come out of his mouth if the connection goes down are down right scary.
Oh God please help me.. I am doooomed!!! Doooomed DOOOOMED!!! I think I will print this out now and hand a copy to my children.. 10, 8, 5, and 3.. who cares if the three year old cant read.. HE's the one who actually takes his dishes to the kitchen and puts them carefully in the sink!
I have four kids. Ages 5 months to almost-12-years.
After reading this, I'm afraid for our mental health in the VERY near future...
rats. i was really hoping the keening about the broken computer would stop when she hit 10.
I agreed with everything but #2. The truth is, cheese IS love. Or maybe I'm confused by my blind adoration of cheese. Or I'm lost in a Wallace & Grommit movie. At least there's cheese & knitting there!
As an only child, I always liked the story my father told of he & his sister - one child cut the cake & the other one picked. The motivation to be fair resulted in mere microns of difference in the pieces.
As a former long haired 3 towel shower person ( I am reading your post and hearing my mother's voice) I have to warn you that it does not stop until they have their own place and have to do their own wash... sorry.
We already knew that you were the Goddess of all that is Yarn but I can now dub thee "The patron saint of mothers with teenagers"!!! You forgot the part about the daily drama performances.
With VERY slight changes this entire wonderful hilarious essay also applies to teenage SONS.
Re: the dishes ON the dishwasher AGAIN issue, I'm considering my own revenge in the form of taking all the clothes off his floor (the only place he seems to "store" them), stuffing them in as many garbage bags it takes, and holding them hostage -- to be returned one item at a time for each instance that he: snacks and actually cleans up after himself, uses only 1 towel per shower, calls when he's supposed to, etc. Heck, based on dishes alone he could have his wardrobe fully restored by 10 p.m.!
And then when you are at the peak of wondering just why it was you thought you wanted kids, they do something so awesome, so kind/considerate/compassionate, so mind blowing that makes you SOOOOO proud of them....or....they get sick and you feel SOOOOO guilty for being angry, we should have picked up on this, should have seen it coming.....face it, as Moms we can't win!!!! ;-) bets ps "This too shall pass!!"
I'm not a parent, but I was a teenager once with a brother who was also a teenager. Your post explains the bottle of Canadian Club that appeared next to my Mother at the end of every "He's looking at me"/"She's touching me" fight.
"Immediately tuning the tv to a banned show like "Next" "Flavor of Love" or any show that has improving women through plastic surgery as a theme, any show that is having a good day when there is a "catfight" between contestants or any show that has women competing for the attention and affection of a single male who is allowed to choose between them for his own purposes. I don't give a crap how trendy a harem is, all the women I know (including you) are worth more than that."
Can I get a Hallelujah?!?!??! Right on.
*but I must admit I was a hair-dyeing teen.*
By the time we could use the coffeemaker, my sister and I knew not to attempt to wake our mother if we missed the school bus without bearing a cup of hot coffee as an offering to the Sleeping Goddess (my mom was rarely awake before we left for school at oh-dark-thirty.)
What really bites is the first day after I got my drivers' license, and didn't have to go to school that day, my little sister missed the bus and woke ME (I'm pretty sure on purpose.)
My lil guy is just past a year, so I have quite a ways to go before experiencing the horror of the teens.
I'm 24 and I still thought soup explodes when it is done. Thanks for enlightening me!
You are SOoooooo good with words, no wonder we love your books. Number 4 applies here . When DH feet hit the floor in the morning his mouth goes into overdrive , a real honest to God MOTOR MOUTH !! I don't even register anything he says and then he tells me I don't LISTEN. Of course NOT I haven't had my coffee yet.! I really think they don't believe us when we tell them --coffee first and then talk. As far as TV shows go--- CRAP -- just CRAP-- they are going from bad to worse. Thanks for the laughs this morning you are precious and some day soon ( I hope for you ) the girls will understand .
As Micki said, the most interesting part of this post is your conviction that men's motives become pure at 35. Nor do you want your daughters hanging out with 35 year old men, I'll bet.
(And I'm certain Norma, being the cordial and courteous soul she is, agrees that the only thing worse than dubious usage is publicly correcting someone else's mistake.)
Did I see the word "gansey" go by?
ok I'll admit the first thing i did upon beginning reading this was, after getting as far as #2, to go to the kitchen and get that chunk of cheese out of the fridge for a snack. i am very suggestable, and it was cheddar. on the other hand, i can so relate to all of the rest of it. our son, while not using umpteen towels, takes daily showers that last for hours. he is away at college now so when he is home we don't mind quite so much. i hope your daughters read your words and benefit from them. stick to your guns, believe it or not someday you will look back on all of this and laugh! really! someday. don't tell them tho becuase they may use it as an excuse to continue this behaviour.
....okay, I didn't want to mention it, but I feel I must.
7d. No boys allowed over and no sneaking out of the house to see boys.
"7. Teenage boys want to have their way with you."
I fear my daughter's teenage years. She's five. I have (counts) less than eight years before she's officially a teenager. Her best friend (also five) has already proposed marriage. A boy in her Kindergarten class is already kissing girls, plural, including my little one. She is popular. I am afraid.
I treasure every moment of five-year-oldness (if that's even a word).
And this is why my parents believe in discipline at a young age that continues through until the late teens. i know. i'm 17, and i'm not allowed to drive this month.
and i still love them muchly.
Oh my, that list is too funny! Teach your girls this trick...when soup explodes in the microwave wet a clean dishrag put it in the microwave for 30 seconds, after the ding very carefully use the washrag to clean up the bits of exploded soup. They will wipe right off, no scrubbing required!
Save this list and show it to them again when they are in their 20's...then they will apologize and be in awe of your powers of self control!
Ah, the joys of raising teenagers. I remember the days where my brothers and I used to drive my Mom bonkers too. Now my brother lives with me and drives me bonkers.
Thanks for making me laugh *and* weep for you at the same time! (And shudder at my future...my oldest of 3 girls is 12.)
I'm sure a reasonable punishment for some of those transgressions would be to scrub out the microwave, load the dishwasher, do laundry, etc.
Hope you survive your single parenthood!
I just finished your book "Knitting Rules" and had to check out your blog. I love this entry. :) Totally hilarious. And as a natural-birthing, doula-employing, cloth diapering, breastfeeding momma of a ten month old, I wave our secret hippie wave. ;)
PS--I wanted to tell you about the only useful thing that being an Air Force officer ever taught me (other than how to make a very attractive bed at 4am while my brain is still sleeping)--a dollar bill is exactly 6 inches. So even if I'm somewhere without a tape measure, I can use a dollar bill to measure. (Let's be honest--I never have a dollar bill with me, but there's always someone around that does.) I know the odds of you having a US dollar bill are even less likely than me having one in my purse, BUT perhaps the Canadian government is as kind to knitters as the US Treasury is and your money happens to have an equally handy measurement?
I am sending happy, positive thoughts your way. Can you hear them?
We have always told the boys (22 and 18) that they could do whatever they wanted with their hair, as long as it was clean and we could see both their eyes at the same time. They have both kept it short, and with the exception of one incident at "bad hair day" in grade eight involving permanent hair dye and leopard spots, no odd colours. One of the hardest things with kids is making yourself give them more responsibility than you think they're ready for. (My younger is still kind of helpless, quite willing to go to MacDonald's instead of making a meal from actual ingredients, like bread and peanut butter.) Don't worry, Stephanie, eventually they move out, and hopefully at some point after that they grow up.
I'm printing this and giving it to MY mother. She deserves it after all I put her through. And, she has new teenagers in her house now who need it. :D
As a mother of three daughters, two of which are 18 year old twins, (it does NOT get better, just in case you were wondereing), I feel your pain, applaud your attempts to remain sane while reasoning with your daughters, and wish you well! As for me, I have given up hope for the older two, and I swear I hear a faint but distinct ticking sound when I look at the 9 year old, who still tolerates me, and even thinks I'm "cool" sometimes when nobody is looking.
My 13 year old and I are wrangling over the amount of freedom she can have with her male friends. My policy is that the privilege of male companionship is predicated on the presence of an acceptable chaperone. In other words, "Of course you can go see a movie with Will. Which of the 4 parents is going with you?" To which she responds that nothing inappropriate could possibly take place in a movie theater so I should just drop them off. To which I snort till my sinuses hurt and reiterate my question about the choice of chaperone.
The other similar argument has to do with her hanging out unchaperoned with males to whom she is not attracted. She thinks I should make a distinction in this and allow her to hang out with certain male friends unsupervised on the grounds that they are a head shorter than her and "gross to look at but fun." I maintain that the rule applies universally regardless of relative hotness. Besides which a)they think she's hot and b)short but funny is a proven mating strategy -- look at Woody Allen.
I figure that I'm confusing the heck out of her friends by simultaneously being the "cool mom" who laughs at their jokes and knows all the lyrics to their favorite songs (I have such a crush on the lead singer of OK Go) while chaperoning my daughter old world style.
Ultimately, I'm hoping that they (and she) will get the message that I see my daughter as someone worthy of my (and their and her own) respect.
I've sent a link to your blog to my mother. I am the middle of her three daughters and I'm sure this post will resonate with her. She is also a lactation consultant and work with new moms and babies at our city health department.
A good friend, a person who would never consider harming a child by word or deed, has been known to yell, "Run, sweetie, run, before Mommie hurts you!"
Kinda sums it up.
FYI, the rule in our house is that almost anything (well, anything splatterable) going into the microwave must be loosely covered with paper towel, waxed paper, or plastic wrap. MOST explosions are thereby avoided. Except that I keep forgetting that melting butter, once it's melted, starts spitting and popping. Ee-uw. Greasy microwave.
You forgot to tell them no parties, and the 'today' equivalent of not taking anything stronger than an aspirin. I was raised by wolves, but we still got the speech every time they left the house.
Well, mine are only 2 and 4 so I have a few years to go. They do use the toilet by then, right?
I am currently winning the "cool parent" sweeps at my house. I brought home Diet Coke and Mentos and we made things "explode". Then I had to explain to school what a four-year-old was doing "exploding" things.
I'm not totally sure about 9. And if 7a is really true (the part about 35), then I really and truly quit. Don't worry, you only have another 12-15 years before they give up on men all together!
Wow I wish I'd had that when my daughter was "THE AGE...!"
You Go Girl!
This is why I read your blog. Just absolutely beyond excellence.
You might not want to give those folks in NYC any ideas about where the funny smell came from yesterday, though.
I loved point #7. My husband has not yet moved on from that state of being, I swear. He turns 34 in April. Maybe there is hope yet.
you are the best!!!!!
and i have 2 boys 6 1/2 and 10 and i can still relate.... keep it comin'.
Have to stop reading your blog while eating lunch at my desk. One of these days I really will have to clean the monitor and sluice out the keyboard afterwards. Do you remember the old Danny Thomas bit with him spewing coffee all over the place?
12-year old daughter - puts her cereal bowl on the counter next to the sink, but is perfectly capable of putting it INTO the dishwasher. Likewise glasses from which she's taken 2 swallows of water.
Husband says she can date when she's 30.
HYSTERICAL!!!! I have boys, but I'm one of 3 girls and my mom is one of 4 girls so I can totally relate to it all! You had me laughing out loud at work with this letter.
Hang in there - Joe will be back before you know it.
I remember doing the dye thing myself, only I had my younger and more messy sister dye my hair for me so that my hands would be clean and I could blame the inevitable handprints on her.
I have a 4 month old son right now, so I cringe at knowing what I will be going through in 13 years or so :)
I am the mother of two boys, 12 and 10. I have been doing my utmost best to raise them to be respectful and caring human beings. The fact that someday, some mother is going to be suspicious of them just for who they are scares the bejeepers out of me. The fact that they will likely deserve it, despite my best intentions, is just as bad.
I have no good answers to this.
Ok, I didn't read all the comments, because I couldn't see the text anymore. May I save this (as so many others surely said) for future use? Who knows what will replace router in 12 years time, but everything else should be pretty much the same. Thank you for the laughter.
Here's the great side--they move out someday! Now that I work with my boys instead of live with them these kinds of comments and notes work much better. Their income is involved;)
Mom of 4 boys, and yea, it's a drag about those assumptions. I'm willing to believe all teenage boys would love to have their way with the yarn harlot's daughters, but I'm counting on at least some of them having self-control. Some of them DO have self-control.
Hilarious post, thanks for the laughs.
Even with NO knitting content to today's post, you still entertain us and keep us laughing. THANKS!
ah...sweet memories of youth. My mother used to leave two-three page notes with our tasks for the day/night, expected behaviors and references to needs of various generals in various wars e.g., Civil War, War of 1812, to have their orders followed lest grave consequences follow. Your daughters have SUCH a great role model and how powerful to direct young women AWAY from the beauty-as-sex-objects principle upon which 99% of our communication mediums are based.
I hadn't realized just how craptastic MTV's website was with it's taking forever to load and showing ads and flashy graphics to distract you from that fact. Actually, I think that's a pretty apt description of MTV itself.
To think, when I was a kid the only shows my mother had to ban were The Simpsons and You Can't Do That On Television, both for the heinous sin of showing children disrespecting parents. She'd have a field day now.
And FABULOUS idea to have various people drop by to check on the kids. Someday, I will use that.
I have to look forward to that in ten years?!
Shoot me now. Please.
Nevermind, Number Guy says she can't date until she's 30.
ah, I'm getting nostalgic and beginning to miss my sister and our lovely fights :-D my poor mom.
as much as you hate it, you'll miss having the girls around the day they all finally move out (even if they're constantly at one another's throats). then again each bedroom equals more space for yarn...
hang in there!
You really do have teen-agers......!
that is the funiest thing i have ever read. is that what i have to look forward to from my girls and a son. God save me now!!!!!
They actually think about something else once they're past the age of 35? Are you serious? Could there be hope and light at the end of the tunnel?
Hilarious! Having been through two teenage daughters I can sympathize. LOL Please note that it DOES get better. Eventually. ;)
Stephanie, I have forwarded a link to this entry to (1) my almost 16 yo son alerting him to the fact that if I really was the "meanest mom on earth", I would be a lot more public in my parenting of him and (2) my best friend Courtney to let her know we are not even close in our asperations to being "the meanest mom on earth" as neither of us has a blog. Clearly I am lacking and must put in corrective action immediately. As a former teenage daughter, I can tell you that there is hope - someday they will get it and they will find blog entries like this one hilarious! Keep up the good work.
This one will go in my file for retrieval when my own three girls are teenagers. Whew! Thank God our worries are still about potty training and saying "please" and "thank you."
I've just sent this link to my friends, since most of them have at least 1, and in some cases up to 4, children of that 'blessed' age. Those of us who are single have laughingly said we'll see the parents again after the kids go off to college . . .
Can I add two things? One, rethink the hair dye comment. A friend came home to a daughter with lime green hair -- 2 days before the junior prom. Hair from which the dye would NOT wash out, and which, when redyed a dark brown, promptly began falling out. The screams could be heard throughout the state.
Two, I'm with Micki and Rams -- men of any age. 14, 34, 45 -- doesn't matter . . .
Thanks for giving me tips for when Thing One & Thing Two hit their teens -- all too soon for my taste.
You might want to add something about taking the router WITH you when you leave to prevent teenaged Internet idiocy whilst you're gone.
I love it.. having only one daughter, I missed the sibling rivalry, but she more than made up with it in other ways. She is 5', and weighed around 98 lb. soaking wet. Yet she could go through 5-6 towels in less than a twenty four hour period. However, she did know what a washing machine/dryer was, and did use it. Your blog keeps me lol, I'm sending this to my friends, most of which has teenagers, lol I love it!.
OMG--I just snarfed milk out my nose in front of 35 teenagers! How did you know about the exploding soup in my microwave? The empty glasses? The constant bickering? The freaking out over things they bloody well can do themselves? Their inability to leave you the hell alone when you feel like ripping their throats out with your teeth? It's like you're a ball of wool in my yarn basket, it really is.
Men over 35 may have the same impure motives, but face it, they are MUCH better at working things so that they are your motives, too.Optimist that I am, I believe EVERYONE learns SOMETHING eventually. Please do not disillusion me.
I keep reading about 35-year-old males thinking of only one thing. How about 77-year olds??
wow, I can only imagine the things my mother would have written if she had been writing a blog when I was a teenager. On second thought I think I'll try not to imagine that.
I have 2 teenage girls, (13 and 19). The latest from the oldest is that we love the youngest more. The latest from the youngest is she hates the oldest more than anything and wants her to move out. Neither pick anything up with out a fight. No one knows what the dishwasher does except for me. No one knows how to take the trash out unless I put the bag in their hands and point. Why can't they SEE the garbage can is overflowing and just take it out and put it in the huge can in the backyard? I've stopped doing the oldests laundry because I can't see the floor in her room anymore. I still can't leave them home alone together unless I separate them by rooms and call to make sure the youngest is alive. At least yours kinda cook and know how Mr. Washie works. I'm printing your post for reference.
First, there MUST be a Typo in #7. You meant "85" not "35", right? Thanks for the chuckle. You do have a way with words, Harlot!
I have two that have about 10 years on yours, one has gone and the other is house hunting. I know you won't believe this but there are days I miss that insanity. (NOT the crazy petty arguments or the worry but just having them around) They both are great people and were great teens despite exploding soup, and the unending laundry. How great you ask? You tell me. For Christmas this year, the two of them cleaned out a storage room that has been filled solid with boxes of stuff for the last 15 years so I could have my own sewing/knitting room. My daughter took vacation time to do it. She bought storage containers and organized and labeled my stash. The room was cleaned, the floor was polished, and lamps and a new rug were purchased. I don't "need" anything as much as time and that is what they gave me so I could have my own place to spread out. Awesome isn't it?
Oh, Stephanie. I think I love you for this!
I don't have my own kids (yet), but when I do, I will definitely print this up for them to use!
I laughed, out loud, which was a really good thing. This list is amazingly accurate AND funny - I will be forwarding it to my mother, who I'm sure will print it out and place it on the fridge. My two sisters and I will have a good laugh about it, I suspect... :)
I am absolutely rolling on the floow...hysterical!!! ...and, I don't have ANY kids.
However, I am going to send a link to this post to every single Mom I know!!!
...and, if I could type it would be better. I am rolling on the FLOOR...not the FLOOW. I have to go practice typing now.
...and, if I could type it would be better. I am rolling on the FLOOR...not the FLOOW. I have to go practice typing now.
this is why my husband instructed me to produce a son. He is terrified of the responsibility of parenting young women!
For years, in fact decades, I have worried that my surliness prior to drinking a large quantity of coffee in the morning destroyed my son's authentic cheerful nature...he is now at least as grumpy as I am in the morning before HIS coffee. I will try to remember this letter to your daughters and let go of this crippling guilt. Thanks for that; Lord knows I needed it :-)
Knitting schmitting, Stephanie. Your next book should be about parenting! Thanks for the chuckles.
There's also, "If what you're doing in the basement sets off the fire alarm not once, but Twice, you should probably not be doing what you're doing in the basement."
Oh, wait. That was me. Nevermind...
If the router quits again there is absolutely no need for that high pitched keening.
Oh, on this one I must, must disagree. Of course, my kid is still a manageable age (not due until June) so the router-related keening is all mine. Thanks for the heads-up on the future...
Yay Beth in WI! You are first and Wisconsin chicks are cool. I wonder how I would write this letter? (One boy, another on the way) Good luck Stephanie! I'm sure (well, I hope I'm sure) your girls won't let you down.
Don't forget to add - dishes placed randomly in the sink does not mean it is "tidy".
Good luck and I can't wait to see you.
I wish I'd had this during the 14 years of teenagers I'd survived (2 daughters 7 years apart). Only difference was that #1 daughter (aka, Chaos Kid) moved out at 20 to take on the world, living the wild life, etc., before finally after divorce & two sons, now teenagers & one year apart) finally realizing how lucky she was to have survived under my care! She's "much better now". Number 2 daughter lived at home to age 25, was reasonably human, and always said she used her older sister as a bad example of how to grow up (but still adores & idolizes said sister). I've forwarded this to both daughters just for their enjoyment. Thanks for an all-too-true and hysterical post!
This is too funny! I can't stop laughing (and maybe wincing a little, since I'm trying to become a mommy myself). :)
And I can't believe you say 'washrag'. I thought I was the last person alive who called it that!
You need to get them the "Boys will put you on a pedestal so they can look up your skirt" book. Can't remember the authour's name. He was a man with two daughters though.
I think I need to go put the dishes in the dishwasher now.
I envy Joe, getting to go to Newfoundland. So lucky.
Do they know to stay out of your stash? o.0
So that's what I have to look forward to in ten years. I think I need a lie down and a shot of something, anything.
FYI - Mystery smells are usually microwave related. Trust me on this. Check the garbage can.
Thanks for a good laugh. My oldest 2 have moved out of the teen years but for 13 months I had 4 teenaged boys in the house as well as my little girl. The power was out for a while yesterday and the internet was down. Nobody at home could fix the internet until dad came back from his meeting, lots of suffering and complaining took place.
We go through a lot of towels around here. Have been through several hair dye phases.
Oh, the coffee is so true. I got an ornament for Christmas, says "Don't talk to me until I've had my Coffee...then I will do all the talking"
That made my day! After a morning of removing little people from the kitchen table, chairs, counters, my swift (did you know if you clamp the swift to the kitchen chair to wind a hank a little person will fit INSIDE the swift?)consoling little people who cry when bashed in the head by the swift, and taking the broom away again, but I will have 4 teenagers at the same time. 2 of each kind..... be strong, dad will come home soon, and they will act like they where great the whole time, but we all know the truth.
HA! My daughter is only 2 1/2 and I am keeping this for my inevitable needs. ;)
You are so wise Stephanie!!
And don't forget the "put the phone back on the charger, so it will work when I want it."
I was chuckling along until I got to the postscript. That made me laugh out loud! I'm going to have to stop surfing the net at work if you keep this up or they'll catch on because gov't work is not funny.
Addendum to #10 -
Please do not try to HIDE the towels by shoving them under the bed. Wet towels in dark places WILL mildew (hence the unidentified mystery smell)
Jerry Springer in any of his incarnations is verboten!
"I write Sins Not Tragedies" is not an appropriate song to teach your 10 year old sister!
Addendum to # 7 -
ALL BOYS want to have their way with you! And allowing him to crawl into your window because his parents aren't home and he needed someone to talk to at 3 AM isn't a good enough excuse!
Addendum to #2 -
I do not love your baby sister more because I got her the Barbie that WASN'T FREAKING AVAILABLE when YOU were 10! And NO I'M NOT GETTING IT FOR YOU WHEN YOU'RE 19, JUST SO YOU CAN HAVE ONE TOO! YOU HAD YOUR OWN BARBIES!
This could go on forever! But it was SO nice to share! :)
Your "sista from another mother"
I was gonna ask about the gansey...thanks for noticing it, Rams...
at least you're only worried they'll drink too much milk
Fantastic! I've got one daughter who is 11 but it's still applicable. The dishwasher & laundry fairies DO NOT exist!
I am often tempted to post here, but move along because I have so much to say or so little or wonder if you even get to read all of the comments you get. Or maybe I just hate to type (nd if you could see what I type without corrections you would see why). Anyway, when you speak of your daughters, I know we are living parellel lives. My husband is away too. My girls are driving me batty as well. I am going to my knitting night tonight and leaving them here alone, even though I have prevented several injurious crimes and possibly a murder between a certain two of them over the last several days. (The 21 year old and the 15 year old, I ask you-will anyone ever get along in this house?) At least you have a dishwasher to stack dishes on, mine broke. For weeks, including the holidays, which were at my house, I have been washing trillions of dishes. The concept of washing when one is finished with a bowl (cup, plate, fork....) has escaped children that in so many other ways are trainable (they all have jobs). (On the upside, the new dishwasher is being installed today. My hands might actually stop peeling and cracking.) To top that off, Pete and I have plans for the weekend and the aforementioned sisters have sworn to me that they cannot be left alone in the house together. The reason we need to get away and the reason we probably shouldn't go. This is just about when my head is going to explode. My kitchen will look like the inside of your microwave, bits of brain soup clinging to the walls.
And yes, I am laughing while writing. Luckily for me, and everyone else around, I have a sense of humor. I have every intention of leaving them this weekend to attempt to kill each other. I have my wager on the 15 year old. That girl has a stubborn streak that the 21 year old will never win over. She needs to develop a thicker skin. Grow some, if you know what I mean! Notice I don't mention the middle child? She has kept herself conveniently absent most of the time. I wish the other two would take her lead..... :)
I'd rather deal with unruly yarn than teenagers. My daughter is in her 30s now & calls me her best friend. She's getting her teenage years back at her 6 fold now too. Once (at age 14) she yelled and screamed at me, "You're always so mean to me every time Dad leaves this house." [I wouldn't let her go to the Mall] "I'm going to write up a list of all you mean things you do and show him." HA ... I told her to go to her room and she BETTER write up that LIST because I intended her to give it to her Dad when he got home. When her Dad asked her for the LIST, she didn't have one. Hang in there, someday they'll appreciate you!
Whoa. I have quite a few years before my daughter hits the teens but you've managed to scare me grey. I wonder if there are any convents nearby?
I think the rule is that when you have a boy you have to worry about him, but when you have girls, you have to worry about ALL the boys. At least that's how the saying goes in the South.
I survived teenagers. Now I understand why some animals eat their offspring ...
i come for knitting. and so i am usually drinking, because while your stories of lotioned hair are funny, they don't cause coffee to spew out of my nose like so much caramel tinted lava. whereas, this entry? totally covered my desk in nose-coffee. so, i submit, that if you are going to launch into a blog which may induce snarfing, you post a warning in which you let us unsuspecting readers know to set the coffee down.
*off to make another cup.
Ohhh maaaan. I am sorry to say that it took till I was 21.5 till I finally got the hang of the whole "done with dishes put them in dishwasher" thing. I was the absolute despair of my mother. I did have some crazy hair-dying, but I was extremely tidy about it. The spilling of a bottle of black nail polish certainly put the fear of god/mom into ME. I'm definitely going to send this on to my mom, it'll kill her with laughing.
As a mother of 3 myself ----been there, done that, dear God-still doing that!!
Thanks for the laugh!
I think perhaps being concerned about them drinking milk was a tad overboard. ;)
Once again you've reminded me why I'm sticking with cats!
Harlot, I think you mistyped. A man's intentions will have a shot at purity when SHE is 35, not when he is. You can check this with Joe when he gets back.
Howling! I never understood what my mother meant by "you are driving me to drink" until I had kids.
Laughing laughing laughing. Calling up pregnant daughter (with female on board) to wish the "Mother's Blessing" on her.
Oh, Steph, you are the best!
Look under the bed for the smell....or under the dresser
Males of any age are suspect and should be handcuffed immediately!!
Dirty Dishes placed back in the cupboards DO NOT COUNT as clean!!!!
My mother, who raised FOURTEEN daughters through teenagness, once said to me "Why do you let your daughter dye her hair those colors?" I said "Hair dye isn't permanent and if that's all the trouble she causes, I'm very lucky." She agreed with that.
My mother was a foster parent. Of all the troubled girls who came through her house, including sexually abused and drug addicted, she never lost one.
I have three daughters as well. I'm going to copy this and give a copy to each as needed.
Some days when I read your blog I feel pangs of regret at never having had children. Other days, I think well, there are some benefits to not being a mom! Since I create the mystery smells myself, I can usually devine their source, and I needn't convince anyone but myself about the ulterior motives of men under 35 (and convincing myself would be preaching to the converted). Of course, the last time a man under 35 hit on me was in 1985, and I didn't understand #7 then, but that's a story for another day . . . Meanwhile, I'll bet after a pot or two (or three) of that elixir of life stuff, you'll be thrilled that you have those lovely daughters. Meanwhile, you gave me a crooked, novocained smile after a trying morning at the dentist. :-)
Oh my God! I laughed until I cried through the post *and* through what must be 782,000 comments! Sigh
As the mother of one child, a daughter aged 21, I just wish I'd had this list a few years ago. Even though she's an "only" she somehow managed to seem like she was having sibling issues with someone. And you are soooo right. But, as many have said, there is hope, a light at the end of the tunnel (and it's not the headlight of the locomotive.) Her senior year in highschool was one of the years from he!!. I couldn't wait for her to go to college on the other coast. Then, after her freshman year, when we treated her as an adult as promised, she changed. It was magic. Now, rounding out her senior year and headed to graduate school, she's so wonderful I can't believe it. She wants to spend all of her break times just hanging with us, not her friends. And we love it. I wouldn't trade her for all the wealth in the world. Trust me, things *do* get better, much MUCH better. Hang in there; you'd hate to miss it.
I'm laughing with you (you are laughing, right?). My only advice is for the soup -- tell the girls to place a piece of waxed paper (not the plastic kind) on top of the bowl. That should keep the contents inside. To clean the microwave, tell the girls to place a damp washrag in it and turn on for one minute. Allow washrag to cool for a minue or two, then wipe down... easy peasy (as my daughter says). Enjoy your 9 hours from home!
Hope this helps your dirty microwave http://www.microwavecookingforone.com/WalterDrake.html ( you can get them at your local target/walmart like stores for cheap!)
I hope your children do not makes various things throughout your house smell odd and that you dont have piles of laundry/dishes to deal with!
Thank you Stephanie! I was having a nostalgic moment of mentopawzal regret over not having had children.......thanks for snapping me outta that one!
I was such a troublesome teen that my mom (she was getting sober and I wasn't) sent me to live with her brother and his family...at 17 I was still a hellion-just out of their sight.
Absolutely hilarious! I remember driving my mom nuts in much the same way. She did eventually drill the "put plastic wrap over the bowl" thing into my head. And I was definitely a hair-dying kind of teen. The tub had a creepy purple tinge for a very long time. Oh, and the phone usage battles. I think I'm going to call my mom now. Thank you for reminding me that maybe my parents weren't the only ones making life difficult.
Amen. I don't have a microwave or a TV, and I can see how many problems this might solve if I could maintain this asceticism into parenthood. If parenthood should become a consideration.
LMAO! I should bookmark this post for when my children are older.
Maybe it takes boys longer then girls to catch on to the "no exploding things in the microwave" rule. My husband is 33 and he still doesn't get it.
I hate to tell you this, really I do, but by the time I FINALLY told my own mother, "Hey, you know, you really were right most of the time..." I was 29.
I'm really really sorry.
WHAT.A.HOOT.!>!>!>! Have a few of my own...and was one of three like daughters!
You go, Mum!
I may have to send your letter round my colleagues at work - and hope that some of them realise that for at least half of your points they behave in exactly the same way!!!
Let me just say that I can both identify and envy. Yours are tame, trust me. I have one (only one) 17 year old miscreant teenage daughter. My list has a few additions:
1. Stylist. I'm boggled at the color changes of your hair and those of your friends. Are you charging to use the facilities? If so, I want a cut of the gross or chair rental fee if you insist on turning my bathroom into a beauty parlour.
2. Piercing. What is that on your lip? We/ve had this discussion before, one piercing per body part.
3. Drinking. When I say, "There had better not be any drugs or alcohol in this house when I get home." It does NOT mean to finish it all before 6PM when I arrive with the pizza.
4. My name is not, "Whatsfordinner." Please address me before quizzing me when I arrive home.
Other than that, the dishwasher, the coffee and exploding soup I'm on board with.
uhmm, Stephanie. Milk isn't so bad.It could have been 4 litres of an illegal to minors substance. think how you would have felt if all your beer was gone. just saying' ;-)
Thank you for my second belly-laugh of the day. The first one had to do with a six-year-old's take on Titan's methane cycle. We won't go there.
I need to print this out and retain it for my boys' teenage years. They already hear variations of #2, 4, and 5 regularly. I only hope I still have my sense of humor when they reach 14.
I am, as we speak, saving copies of this to every hard drive in the house, putting a copy in each drawer, and buying a file cabinet just for storing this one document. My girlies are 7 and 5 and it is just a matter of time before this will be the holy grail.
My 15 year old slob, er son, thinks the floor of his room is the largest shelf in the house and somewhere on it, lies his missing lower retainer. Because I have "THE LOOK" on my face and nothing chocolate in the house, he is frantically looking for the retainer. I had 6 brothers - so I know the tricks well. The dog did NOT eat his retainer. Hold on hard and fast, Stephanie. You're doing all the right things.
Between this and all of the screaming, crying, smelly, dirty, loud, embarrassing, and/or infuriating children I've encountered at grocery stores, airports, and the mall this week, I have renewed my fervent pledge to not have children. I have no idea how you do it, Stephanie. I can barely contain my frustration when my cat chews up yet another important paper.
I have survived a teenaged daughter, and am trying to survive a teenaged son who has a little too much freedom for my happiness. I will try and have the same sense of humor that you are modeling.
You let Joe to to Newfoundland in January without a gansey to keep him warm? That poor chilly man.
My parents had four kids (three of us girls) and we were all teenagers at the same time. Now when I phone my mother to vent about my teenager and two pre-schoolers she laughs (and pours herself another marguerita) and tells me that grandchildren are the best revenge.
It's the grandparents you have to watch out for. So far they have bought my nephew a motorbike and my niece a violin. I swear they are going to get my girls tattooed and membership to a biker gang the minute I take my eyes off them.
And you still had enough energy to write this! I have one child, almost 21 months. He's enough for me. I get my "more children" need fulfilled by my sister who has one daughter, three sons, all under age ten. My mantra is You Only Have One Life To Live, so have a lot of humor in it! Sometimes, it's the only way you can get through the day. And having a husband that reminds you of such. And a shot if Irish Whiskey in the coffee, but only on weekends, when the husband can also enjoy. Thank you for sharing.
I'm step-mum to two girls, 10 and 11, but I don't get the bit about the towels. I've always been of the belief that they're good for more then a single use... provided they're hung to dry properly in between. I'm shocked at the sheer wastefulness of the single-use practice and hadn't realized that this was actually in the "real world" and not just in hotels.
Oh dear. Please someone assure me that I did not do those things to my mother (and we all know very good and well that I in fact did those things and probably much worse). The amazing thing is that she still speaks to me.
Priceless! My theory is that teenagers are programmed to be difficult so that you will SHOVE them out the door the minute they turn 18!
Question: Wasn't cleaning up after yourself one of the things we learned in kindergarten? Whoever wrecked the microwave should be sent back to clean it up after it's all dried on.
Suggestion: When they turn 12, they are given an alarm clock. Mom refuses to start her day (with or without coffee) trying to drag them out of bed.
Suggestion 2: When they turn 12, they are introduced to Mr. Washie, and Mom no longer washes any of their clothes. (This arose because they dripped more food on themselves at 12 than they did at 2!) They'll learn.
Best of luck to you this evening. As a mom of a preschool boy and a husband with ADHD, much of your letter rings true... especially the part about mystery odors.
I swear you have my daughters living in your house. Most of what you write about them applies to mine as well. However, I luckily only have 2, so occasionally am able to maintain a shred of sanity.
steph, i swear to you; it gets better. why, just two days ago my pregnant daughter asked me how she was going to talk her pre-daughter out of getting a belly button ring because she is too young and a belly button ring is definately too sexual.
Oh my gosh! You have me in stitches. As the mother of a teenage daughter (who I called to the computer to read this entry), I can completely relate. My daughter is my second teenager. My oldest child is out of his teen years, but believe me he still has suspect motives. I absolutely love your blog and read it every day for the lift you bring. Thank you!
P.S. My daughter asked me to print this entry out and post it on the refrigerator. I am going to save time every day by just pointing to the appropriate item.
As above, you're wrong about the 35-year-olds. You must have meant "dead."
Last weekend I was at parents' and my mom got drunk a bit and started an hour-long pessimistic sermon, contemplating that she has raised me badly because I was never homeless and in a need to do some dirty and badly paid job. Which means that I don't know what life is about, that I have no idea about the value of money and in general that I'm probably not a good person. And that the today's young people are probably not good persons in general because they don't opt to do dirty and badly paid jobs and that they just have too much money and anyway. I'm not a teenager anymore, in fadt I'm nearly thirty, I don't complaint about lost hairbands, since I have many and I consider them temporary and I do can use the microwave. I live on my own, I have quite a heap of money saved and well invested before I went to university so I'm not in much of a chance to need to do something dirty and badly paid and I'm just a bad person. Sigh. She at least admitted that the sweater I made for her birthday is cool so I seem to be a less better than useless....
By the way, check my blog. I finished the reindeers thingie and I love it. Now I'm on a diet to fit it:D and I'm making handpaints for something new and cool.....
Once the teenaged boy turns 35, or even 45, he still only has one intention. That never changes, the mantra around here with my 9 year old and all other girls of (almost) any age, is "all men are dogs". We love them anyway, of course. But life is easier when we accept this. Of course, my husband has accepted the fact that when i have a dreamy look in my eye, i am thinking about my spinning wheel.
OMG I could have wrote that. Too bad one of my darling daughters sent it to me! They survived my parenting of them! I canb't even tell you what number I liked best, since they all are from my life with daughters at one time or another. I came from a family of 6 girls and one boy. At one pt in my parenting I called my mom and asked her HOW did she ever survive puberty. They all go hormonal at the same time! I think she used drugs!
I think I am just going to save that. I have about 7 years (I hope). We are still in the "don't lick your sister stage".
Um, we totally have the coffee rule at our house too. I've got my 8 year-old trained pretty well - over christmas vacation she came into the living room one morning and asked if I'd finished my first cup of coffee yet (she can talk to me after at least one). I'd hadn't, but I was sure to tell her when I had, so that I can keep the glory of this rule. Now if I could just train hubbo.
I laughed so hard I almost peed myself!! You definitely should give much thought to not only writing knitting books but a much needed (if only for the comedic but true side) parenting book - you are such an incredible writer with such an amazing gift.
Steph: Good news! Eventually (the operative word) they turn into lovely young adults devoid of any of those annoyances. I know this because mine did, even the boy I fantasized about doing in when he was 14 (I was looking forward to spending the rest of my days in a nice prison....)We never had a microwave - but they can't BEGIN to explode the way a pressure cooker does, don't ask me how I know this. (It takes honest effort to wash chili off a ceiling.) I remember, however, calmly saying "Nope. Dishes licked off by the cat are NOT clean." I did have a dishwasher once....but she moved out at 19.
And again, Steph - thanks! Many of us are having your experiences, many have outgrown them and many will experience them in future -- but all of us love YOU for talking about them. (I've learned to finish my tea BEFORE reading your column!)
Um, where are y'all meeting these men over 35 (or 45) who still have only one intention? I'm just asking.
No daughters, two sons (19 & 22). Thank goodness there was/is very little of the sibling rivalry stuff. But, I will never understand why people (children, husband) can't find the INSIDE of the dishwasher. And notes left by me saying that I wouldn't be responsible for my behavior if I came home and certainly things weren't done (which had been repeatedly requested).
But what I find really intersting is that both of my guys have very good friends who are girls. As far as I can tell, these are friends - not friends with "privileges." My older son just went to Seattle to visit the young woman he describes as his "best friend." They have known each other since high school and seem to talk about everything. My younger son has similar friends. It is not that they don't have girl friends about whom they have all those thoughts that parents of girls (and boys!) worry about. They are remarkably nice kids and my younger son (who just finished his first semester of college and did very well) admitted that he didn't panic at exam time because he had done his work all along!!!!! Fainting and proud parent time. He did admit to not yet learning how to budget his time well - I do know there were some late night papers written. But they do grow up and turn into nice people.
I just had to read the whole thing out loud to my family, scattered in several rooms. The 15 and 17 yr old DDs laughed uproarously, while the 12 yr old DS gaffawed. The 7 yr old boy did NOT get it. They REALLY liked the part about telling people about their diaper rashes...Dad liked the part about boys...
I agree, Stephanie, you need to write a parenting book...oh, and when you said "thoughs unbecoming a mother" I read "trying to unbecome a mother" I was hoping for instructions on how to do that...un-become a mom...one never knows, with the Harlot!
This is absolutely HYSTERICAL!! And the reason that it's so funny is that you are spot on!!!!
I have 13-year-old twins -- one boy, one girl, each with his/her own issues. They are really great kids, but I'm still convinced they were hatched from pods. If misery loves company, you are amongst many...
SOB! My three daughters will all be teenagers at the same time. I want Prozac. Lots and lots of Prozac. Or better yet, a temporary lobotomy (sp)? Then someone can just set me in the corner with a drool cup and my knitting for the duration of hormone Hell. The procedure could be reversed once all three girls have graduated from college and live someplace else.
I love it!Especially the amount of cheesing is not equal to the amount of love.You are so spot on it really is funny.Love your blog.
I MUST remember this for when my daughter is old enough to get it (hell, for when she's old enough to READ!) Although, she was old enough today (almost 3!) to ask me for some "fiver" and a "spinnle" so she could spin "yarm". Warms my heart! Hopefully she will concentrate more on spinning "yarm" than boys as she gets older!
Oh my! Oh my! Thanks for the laugh tonight, I surely needed it.
Brilliantly written, truly a list worth printing and framing.
I emailed the link to DH this morning.
Tonight, we were discussing the lack of nobel prices to women (33 women out of 500+ winners) and general discrimination against women in science and academia.
In our opinion, the demeaning ways of depicting women in TVs is one of the main reasons equal opportunities is in a galaxy far, far away.
Harlot, I'm sure you already know but just in case you don't -- a link to your snowdrop shawl is on the interweave site. I found it here http://www.interweave.com/knit/interweave_knits/resources/shawl_pattern_resources.asp
60 year old men have the same suspect motives as the 35 year olds and the teenagers. One is torn between indignation and admiration...
And I thought getting 3 shots in my arms twice a week was poopy - I'm feeling much better since I don't have teenagers to come home to! Thank you! Oh, and I'll light a candle for you and maybe send a taxi to whisk you away? Or them???
my theory is that they *have* to do these things so you won't cry when they move out.
HILARIOUS!! Hope you survive. Have some brown elixir of life at frequent intervals!
That was absolutely wonderful! And further to this, the comments made by other mothers who are currently raising adolescents or by those who, like me, have survived, were right on! I can remember my own dear daughter screaming at me: "You don't know what it's like! You were never seventeen!" I stopped dead and stared at her. A couple of seconds later she realized what she had said, and we both collapsed into fits of laughter.
OMG! LMBO! With 2 teenaged daughters I HAD to save this (and print a copy to post on the computer screen tonight)! .... Do you think they will even take te time to read it before ripping it off to get to MySpace? LOL
OMG.........too funny! I had difficulty reading it to the end as I was laughing so much. There is something to be said about transitioning from a mother to a grandmother. You can then watch your children experience exactly what you had to with them and now laugh about it.
I am so glad we have cats.
Oh, this is so funny and so true. I was an extremely well-behaved only child and even so, I know I managed to drive my poor mother mad now and then. She's in a nursing home now, dying of Stage IV cancer, and I'd give anything to have her back, making me feel like the most beloved and over-regimented teenager in the entire world.
Allow me to share one of my three household hints, which is actually an office hint. When your microwave's interior is spattered with a variety of crusty cooked-on bits, you can reduce the labor in cleaning it greatly if you use this technique. Furthermore, it doesn't make a mess in the process.
Put a microwave-safe cup two-thirds full of water in the microwave and nuke it until it boils vigorously. Let everything sit for about five to ten minutes, remove the cup (look out, it's hot), and wipe off as much of the crud as will come off easily. I use a microfiber cloth for this, but even paper towels will work. Repeat the nuking, sitting, and wiping until all the crud is gone. Top up the water level now and then, as it's the steam that does the work.
If you get interrupted between the nuking and the wiping and don't get back to it for a couple of hours, don't worry. You won't have made it any worse.
Mary the Digital Knitter
Hoochie mamas are banned in my house too. That means any show that is focused on a female whose sole job on this planet is to adorn herself and delight in the fact that she has no skills or knowledge.
And I don't have any children. The hoochie mamas are bad enough they are just flat out banned.
soooo perfect a description of my life and I only have two teenage girls (17 and 15) - I'm printing it off right now - thanks for a great read Mme. Harlot, Keep writing!
All I can say is: HA, BINGO! This so on target it's uncanny!
I laughed out loud & this is before I had my coffee. As the mother of 3 girls, so much of that hits home with me as well. I always say when they are all 3 teenagers at the same time, I will begin drinking heavily, and not just coffee. The cheese remark was particularly brilliant!
What can I say??! Your a fantastic Mum!!! Don't listen to the girls, they will be saying it too when they are away from home and on their own!!
I have a teen and a tween - both say they are girls. Do aliens have genders? A good way to get these girls to do anything I need them to do is to sing Copacabana by Barry Manilow in front of their friends. To avoid this, they'll even shampoo their rugs!
I would just like to say that boys can be just as frustrating as teenage girls. However, their grunting in response to things is a lot more tolerable than the female rant/whine/high pitch scream.
I have also discovered that the only true way to get my kids to pick up their towels is to place the towel I find on the floor into their bed and pull the covers up. Yes, I know, all sorts of horrible consequences, but by golly they don't leave the towel anywhere but the drying rod after one wet bed.
XD Sometimes I feel like my brother and I were the only teenagers in the world who could be left alone without causing chaos.
Seriously, though? I feel for you. There are no longer teenagers in my house, but I'm still occasionally left on the receiving end of messes, annoying habits, and general clutter.
I am the mum of boys. At least yours have found the kitchen and bathroom. Mine have hydrophobia.
I tagged you in my blog!
The router doesn't provide the oxygen? Are you SURE? I know I certainly get all wheezy and short of breath when the router fails.
I'm in Newfoundland..... would you like me to ship him back for you?
I need to bookmark this page for future reference. My daughter is 4 and has a "boyfriend" already in preschool! Ugh!!!!
Sooo true. I love what you said. I have 2 boys and 1 daughter...the teenager thing is my 17 yr old. I really think he is brain dead at times. thanks for the laugh,,,
We must all be channeling each other. I swear the same words came out of my mouth this morning. Did you girls look at you like you had 2 heads as well...or was that just me.
As everyone says, you are hilarious!!! Omigod, how true is everything you said??? The best revenge is for them to have teenagers some day!!! My 30 year old moved in with us 2 months ago and some of the same issues still apply!!!!!
OK, there's definitely a Harlot-cam somewhere hidden in my house. I just have the 2 girls, 16 and 11, but I believe we may have covered every one of these subjects in my house in the past week. At least twice. Arghh! You so have my sympathy.
On the bright side - they're at school during the day and Joe's not there, so at least you can have a few minutes of quiet during the day (yeah, right).
Thank you, thank you, thank you for my daily laugh!!! I so loved your post today - and it is so true...I only had one daughter but I can relate!!
you were in KW and i missed this meeting, ouch, i'm hurting here
I have five children, love the home alone instructions. I pay my 12 year old daughter not to talk to her 15 year old sister, and both of them not to look, speak or cross the path of thier brother when I'm not home.
This is SO what life is like...my two girls are the same...still washing hair dye from their bathroom tile...But it is a little quiet when the older headed back to campus...and you miss the craziness...a little.
Oh my....I wish I didn't have glimpses of this in my future with said girls(I have two 9+4)..not to mention the boy(who Iam not sure what to do with him already). Can't wait!!! Must Knit MORE!!! Why do I color my hair...because these kids have it turning gray before my 30th bday...I love them but geesh...
Yes, yes and yes! I am a mother of two grown-boys (and grandmother to three wee ones) and a step-mother of one of each - boy 13, girl 11 and you've got it nailed. I have a great time with my goil and tell her when she soonly gets stroppy from all the hormones that she is to take it out on her biological ma, not her step one. Seems fair to me. She is the messy one - well messy would be like calling hiroshima a small explosion, but she is dear and most blessedly FUNNY. We laugh a lot. My step-son is a bit of a half-empty type. No, he's a "there never was any thing in this glass and the glass is dirty" kind of guy so we have our times. the main thing I need to remind myself is - I CHOSE THIS.
Thee hee hee! You are SO right. I can only wish that by the time I have kids they haev evolved somehow on to another level and I needent do all that cleaning... So I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a rich husband and very very well behaved housekeeper! ;)
You made me laugh!!! (On the inside. I haven't completed my end of rule 4, which, by the way, I agree with heartily. Unfortunately, everyone else in the world (read: my house), doesn't seem to understand the importance of 4.
I find 7 rather amusing...in that entirely true way. Hehehe. Thank you for brightening my day as usual!
Wow... This gives expecting your first child a whole new dimension... Should I be scared or excited? Wait, don't tell me. I better not know...
To all the moms out there:
You will be rewarded someday.
My 22 yrs old daughter, graduated and moved out all in the span of a few weeks; in fact she moved right out of the country (first real job). I miss her. They grow up too fast, so enjoy EVERY moment with them.
She was back for Christmas and said how nice it is to be pampered for a few days. Then she announced that she caught my disease! She is KNITTING and has a growing yarn stash!!! WOW, I was speechless.
Now, what are my chances with her younger brothers? I'm told boys mature slower than girls!!! Only time will tell.
Not to sound morose, but...Long ago I worked with a great woman who had four sons, each two years apart. They drove the parents crazy! The fighting! The nattering! Take one out of the mix, just choose any one, and they got along splendidly. It was so odd. The mother longed for the days of empty nest syndrome. Or for three at a time. Then Jason died, young and suddenly. There is emptiness larger than a canyon. What those parents wouldn't give to have all their children together again. Love your family to a fault. Everyone. Tell your kids you love them no matter what they do or have done. Do it today.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Ah, thank you so much for this. I am not, as I feared, alone in the world with an alien. She's just my DD, growing up. I may even be able to knit again, after this, lol.