How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None..that's what men are for!

variation on the fruit fly joke..."two. It's getting them inside the lightbulb that's the problem!!"

Hey, where is Minneapolis and/or St. Paul on that list?! We need you here - you can come visit my soon -to-be giant collection of yarn scraps!

Sorry to hear about your continuing string of bad luck, and I'm sending Lee Ann positive thoughts.

My all time favorite was one I heard in college:

What is the difference between a man's prostitute, his girlfriend/mistress and his wife?

The prostitute says, "faster, faster"
The girlfriend says, "harder, harder"

and the wife says (drumroll please)
"Blue. I think I'll paint the ceiling blue."

I love that one!

Apparently, women become invisible after a "certain age." Not that you're there yet. But that kind of behavior towards someone's mother/sister/daughter is so inexcusable, it boggles the mind.

Your publicist hates the south. That makes me sad. (Tennessee is not the south, no matter how badly it wants to be!)

I enjoy that I get psychic waves every time you hit "Post". Last four or so times, I've been on here before you even have one comment. That's fun.

Oh, and I love that the books keep flowing...but goodness, they do work you hard!!

We have nothing but good wishes for Lee Ann and I know that having your bike pump stolen right in front of you by a bunch of nervy teen boys will absolutely guarantee that she is fine.

Please come soon to Minneapolis - by the time Sept/Oct rolls around it will be beautiful fall, not like the 100 degree temps we will have tomorrow!

Hurling on your sandals would probably help Lee Ann. I've also worked at absorbing bad luck -- does replacing a dead engine in an already decrepit car help?

While our definition of "old" changes as we age, children will always be boldly honest. Take it from the mom who was told by her 5 year old son (who is now 20) not to sing because "you sing crooked". Write this down in your journal and remind her of the same when she too is "old". Your blog reminds us that even those we relish to imitate and even envy have everyday issues just like the rest of us humans. Being able to put it all in writting gives us all a boost, and we thank you for that!

My son was asked to screw in a lightbulb at his summer job yesterday ... and as soon as he touched it the whole fixture fell out of the ceiling, remaining connected only by the wires. He thought it was hysterical.

That really has nothing to do with anything, but your joke reminded me of it.

I'll be in Chicago when you are ... I wonder if I can get my husband to take me to the South Side for the signing?

I'm so excited that you're coming to Los Altos! I totally look forward to seeing you in person, and try not to stress out. You know we'd all love you even if you got up on stage and recited limericks while doing an interpretive dance.

Also, bad bad bad karma to those teenage boys. What a bunch of jerks.

-Sarah and her Zoo

It takes a hundred scientists ten years to come up with the technology to shrink two scientists tiny enough to screw in a lightbulb.

Those teenaged thiefs attracted enough bad karma to themselves to ensure Lee Ann's recovery.

Your publicist doesn't hate the South, she just needs a map that includes more states, including the Rocky Mountain West north of Denver, by way of a hint. Wanna see knitters willing drive hundreds of miles in droves to see you? Include one Montana date in that itinerary.

The version of the surrealist joke that my son told me goes like this (and I still can hardly stop laughing each time I tell it or hear it):

Q. How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Two. One to change the light bulb and one to arrange the clocks in the bathtub.

Have a great weekend!

Steph - Don't worry about crankiness when deadlines approach. They go together.

You will do great on your tour, once again. We loved you in St. Louis. The nice thing about being a humorous writer, is that people expect the words you say in person to be funny as well. Most act on that pre-conceived notion and start laughing even before you finish your sentence - have you noticed? And isn't it easier to finish the sentence/talk when you already have them laughing hysterically? You're loved in Knitterville. No worries.

Those boys would have stolen the bike pump regardless of your age or what you look like. They were thieving and nasty and I hope you got their license plate number and reported their insolent butts to the authorities.

Q: What do you get when you cross a surrealist with a mafia don?
A: An offer you can't understand

What the hell do teenaged kids want with a bicycle pump???

I love the fish joke.

Oh please, if you come to Auburn, Grass Valley or Nevada City (or Reno) after the Los Altos store, it will still be plenty hot to wear that top.

End of month ??? EEK - the yarn I ordered for the hats hasn't even come. I hope you mean like, last day of the month...

Oh yeah! limericks and dancing, now don't you think you could possibly work that in? We are all just regular people with talents thrown in for good measure, please try not to be so anxious. I'm 52 and became 'invisible' many years ago and at first I was just a wee bit stunned but then I thought about it and actually enjoy it now, you can do all sorts of things and no one takes notice....they can't see you, also the 'good souls' out there, young and old still do see you and with pretty great clarity I might add. Love your joke,snort snort snort, in fact I enjoyed the ones in the comments also. I've been chatting with the universe all day on Lee Ann's behalf, what's the word?.... "disorganized,cranky and weird" welcome to my world....but I do tend to laugh a lot. It's outrageous those 'teenage boys' little shits snagged your pump...with you right there!!! They all need to be 'on foot' ya know?
52 days

No soap, radio!

Favorite Kentuckian joke{I live in Indiana, we tell Kentuckian jokes} How may Kentuckians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

5 one to hold the light bulb and 4 to turn the latter Those Kentuckians crack me up

diana

I would have killed the boys. My softball arm may be six years out of practice, but I bet i could still knock one out.

Stephanie-- The Roundabout Tank is beautful, but a word of caution... Although it's 116 outside here in Phoenix, when you're indoors it can be anywhere from 68-78. I know you're Canadian, so don't laugh, but you may want to pack a sweater for when you're inside. At least, for the AZ portion of your tour. For which I am SO excited.

PS Got the baby cappies finished, 3 to CA and 3 to MA, loads of fun and they knit up really fast, am getting them off to the post tomorrow morning. Thank you for posting all that and giving me the opportunity.

My all-time favorite lightbulb joke:
How many Zen buddhists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A tree in a golden forest.

And on the bike pump front: Those thieving little bastards!

New York! When are you coming to New York? It's a city of 8 million people - do you know how many knitters that is?!?!?!?!

That's my 2nd favourite fish joke. I tell it first, then follow it up with my favourite fish joke (this pairing is advertised as "My Stupid Fish Jokes"):

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fsh.

Then I giggle maniacally while people look at me oddly. If they don't run away I tell them the Interrupting Cow knock-knock joke.

It's possible that my sense of humour is somewhat less mature then my 32 years.

Do you tour Canada at all? I live in Guelph, but would be willing to travel within Southwestern Ontario to see you (hear you?) talk.

Absolutely loved that last lightbulb joke, and as for the youth today: its getting very sad. We had to remove a computer from the stock area of our store because of some, once again, teenage boys were coming into our store, A YARN STORE, and using the computer to browse the internet. I dunno when it became 'okay' to walk into a business and start using their computers unless it was some kind of computer store. Anyways, was nice getting that off my chest and its funny how we both relate and I am only 22. Keep up the good work, your blog never fails to amuse/amaze me.

How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One.

And that's not funny.

Please, please come to the UK. If you come, I'll treat you to a traditional cream tea....now isn't that an incentive to come?

Q. How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Eleven, one to change it and ten to say 'that could have been me up there!'

I agree with Shelly Kang -- please come to Minneapolis/St. Paul -- or at least someplace close to Minnesota!

Oh screwing jokes....

and I know the deal with teenage boys - I'm an RA at a particularly large "party" school and I deal with them all the time. It both makes me fearful for any woman who hopes to find a husband and boastful that when I finally have a son he will treat woman with respect - and not insinuate that they give good oral sex at any possible moment.

*sigh*

good luck with the deadline.

Just have to say, I'm so glad I'm not the only soul in this world who appreciates that joke. I almost got stoned in college for laughing at that one, and I went to art school!

When, oh when, Yarn Harlot will you come to the bucolic state of Wisconsin? It's lovely here. We have a sheep and wool festival, lots of good eats, beer, warm and inviting people, I could go on and on!

I know you are at the complete and utter mercy of your publisict---perhaps she doesn't know the many wonders that Wisconsin holds (did I mention the beer?--or the fabulous people?) We even have a beauty queen (Alice in Dairyland) who was raised on a farm.

I can also attest that I've NEVER had any personal property stolen in front of me while living here.

In my Art History department the answer to the surrealists joke was "blue"

I can't wait to meet you in Chicago - the crazy girls from mid state are going to try out the Metra just to get there on time!

Great fly/lightbulb joke! You're not old, unless you think you're old, and well, then, you are old. Bummer. And those boys will get what's coming to them sometime, the only injustice really is you probably won't get to witness it. But they'll get it!

We're so excited that you're coming to Hotlahoma! Forcast is 100F today. Sweaters are definitely out... in fact you may not want to wear pants...if you don't the knitters among us will totally understand..

See you on the 25th..

Harlot, when will your booktour bring you to sunny Iceland? We have all kinds of knitting going on here, and of course the fabulous Lopi. I´m a big fan and would love to see you hurl on your sandals, but unfortunately we´re on different continents. Here´s hoping you´ll gain a massive European readership for your books and come on over.

Hee. That surrealist joke was my nephew's favorite joke when he was 3. 3! And my favorite ...

How many border collies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one, and while he's up there, he'll fix any faulty wiring. :)

Thanks for the laugh! Everything will come out fine in the end, and Lee Ann will be great, you've diverted so much away from her...
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a prostitute?

A big woman who will %@$! you for peanuts and remember you forever

I ADORE the fish joke too, and have since I was studying art history. Another joke I love is: How many pyschiatrists (sic?) does it take to change a light bulb....Well, the light bulb really has to want to change. Ha Ha Ha *snort*

Sorry about the bike pump. I really am trying to do my part in raising fine young men, I promise.

Oh... I also loved the surrealist joke.. when I was in art school a million years ago the answer was a duck.. also funny. still gets me too!

I can't believe I haven't heard of either of your jokes, but they both got a snort from me.

I hadn't heard the surrealist joke before -- it's perfect.

Also -- I just found out that the moon is full today. You can use that for anything. Also, I'm told Mercury's retrograde, which means everything gets all [no appropriate polite term available] up, so -- there you go.

Advice for the heat in Arizona and New Mexico.

A most bandana or hankie tied around you neck will make you feel cooler.

Oh, and if you have to ride in a car that's been sitting in the sun out there, watch out for the metal part on the seat belt, it can burn you (ask me how I know this)!

I can't wait to see you in Los Altos, CA Steph!

Bastards. I hope you got the license plate...

Wishing nothing but good for Lee Ann. Dude - relax and have a great weekend - you've done your part, Karma-wise..

this reminds me of my 15 year old son's favorite joke:

Q. how many adhd kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. let's go ride bikes!

Oh, that list of stops on your book tour is too long. (A little selfish part notes Connecticut is not on the list) When will you have time to knit and write? This disturbs me. We do not want you worn out but to pace yourself and keep us all in stitches,(ha,ha) for years and years. We all love you, but you do share enough with us through your writing without so many personal visits. Next contract, cut back a little, please.

Yeah...that was supposed to be MOIST.

Oh, and the sweater advice is good to - most places in Phoenix crank up the Air Conditioning!

Where are the Mounties when you need them? Those bad, bad boys. I hope they have nightmares, bad ones.

Love the tank; hope to see you wearing it in Chi-Town.

You could just get up and knit, and we'd give you a standing ovation. You'll "have us at hello" (nope, you already have us). And in my experience, all the great speakers feel incredible anxiety and stage fright, then get up to speak and rock the world.

This has nothing to do with light bulb, but it's one of my faves.

What did the blonde say when she was finished having sex?

"Are you guys on the same team?"

I just can't get enough of that one.

No offense to any blondes. I used to be one.
:)

Sigh. No Los Angeles yet. (crosses fingers)

When I was in art school it was "Fish riding a bicycle", glad to see the fish survived borders.

We have a whole lexicon of lightbulb jokes for every department that works on a film set. One of my favorites is "how many Teamsters (transportation) does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" "30. Gotta problem with that?

Hopefully those boys will suffer some sort of terrible mercury retrograde affilction for stealing your bike pump right in front of your eyes. What goes around...

Nyet. Ya koschka.

*This is roughly Russian for "No, I am a cat." Good answer for all questions.

If you faint, should we wave some wool under your nose to revive you? Should I wet it first?

Can't wait to see the In the Round Tank - as it is most definitely *hot* here in Arizona (but as I work for the electric company, it's a *good* hot!)

The fruitfly version is always a good one...LOL

Iowa!! You need to come to Iowa!!

Especially Prairie Lights in Iowa City.

And as for lightbulb jokes, here's my favorite:
How many people with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

PURPLE!

Hey Stephanie,

Best solution ever for strapping milk crates on bike racks so they won't move, ever, and you can put like 50 lbs worth of stuff in them and hit bumps and teenage boys and it won't move:

plastic zip-ties! you know, those things that go one end into the other, and then you pull them tight and the only way you can get them off is by cutting them? if you have a crate w/holes in the bottom (as most plastic crates do), put several zip-ties (probably the kind that are about 1/2" thick and at least 6 " long) through the crate holes and around the rack frame. trim the ends that are sticking either up or down, and voila!

cheers
lisa (fellow urban cyclist, erstwhile knitter)
Chicago

Most elegant version of "How many moths" is "Two. But you have to wonder how they got in there."

hehe. That joke reminds me of my favorite joke in college. It was:

So the famous philosopher Rene Descartes walks into a bar. Orders a drink from the bartender and drinks it up. The bartender then asks him: "Can I get you another drink?" and Descartes replies: "I think not" ... and POOF ... he disappears

HAHAHAHA! (*slaps knee*) Get it? He said "I think not" and so he disappeared! HAR HAR HAR

(yeah, I didn't get out much in college..;))

That is my second-favorite lightbulb joke. My favorite is: How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but 200 others could have done a _much_ better job.

Yes, theatre majors had strange senses of humor, too.

Our children have a way of reminding us of our age like nobody else. I recently drove my eldest to sleep away camp in another state. En rooute she casually mentioned that I really need to go see my hairdresser because my grey is showing again. Charming right? She's so lucky that she's a few hundred miles away from me. By the time she returns the grey will be gone and all will be well in my world where I believe I'm still 22.

I broke my toe on Monday, and had a flat tire the weekend before. I was also forced to work during ALL knitting meetups in my area for the last two weeks. I'll give those to Lee Ann.

Hysterical jokes, especially because I hold degrees in both art and biology... and spent a lot of time in my genetics classes getting fruit flies to "screw." Yea, there are few things more boring than watching flies f***.

You need an Xtracycle sports utility bike -- http://www.xtracycle.com/sub.php
It's well designed such that it will stay put and it has straps for each "bag" and straps for both sides. And it's got a zippered slot and velcro pockets so your newest bike pump will never fall out again. Also, it's got the advantage of being less bulky to ride than panniers or milk crates.

Not only can you carry an enormous amount of stuff (I'm guessing you probably can fit 100-150 skeins of yarn in there), in addition to surfboards, skis, chairs, another bicycle, you can also carry Meg if she doesn't want to ride her bike.

I have one and it's been handy for hauling goods from farmer's market, in addition to my regular grocery shopping. Here's a picture at http://flickr.com/photos/skvidal/174976887/

Canadian dates? Where are the Canadian dates? Please, please, please, more Canadian dates! Oh, and by Canadian dates, I mean the Maritimes!

I'm doing my best for Lee Ann. too. Do you think that turning in my rental car yesterday in Vancouver, and having them suddenly discover $600.00 worth of damage will help? Budget is helping me to help Lee Ann, even though we have no clue if the damage was already there. (It's UNDER the front bumper!!) More good karma headed her way, it's the least I could do, lol.

That's a funny joke (12 hours of art history--all I could get my my university!). I nearly had cream cheese squirting out my nose.

Hah! A fish! I love that!

I am home sick today, so I'll offer that for Lee Ann...

I had to follow Kristin with:

How many bulldogs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Ah, let the border collie do it.

Would work ever get done without a deadline? Not in my world. :) Happy to hear the tour got updated, but as others have said, there is a definite lack of southern US locations. Let's here it for North Carolina! Wait for cooler weather if you must, to avoid melting, but do pay us a visit. By now, Lee Ann should have PLENTY of good karma for her lil surgery. Think the Drs. have their own versions of stitch-n-bitch?

Love the fish joke.

What brand of pump was it?

you know rather than burying your yarn and getting it all dirty.. you could just throw it in a big box and post it off to me.. I'll take care of it.. and I promise to return it.. well.. most of it..

When I was in art school the answer was "a spoon" ;)

May your luck improve!

Thanks Stephanie, I have already started to receive some hats. It's so great! Looking forward to meeting you in Los Altos.

1. I love both of those jokes, only I've always heard/told the surrealist one as just "fish." Some unspecified number and size.

2. Lee Ann's server appears to be down, so if I interpret "will continue to do well" correctly as "she had the surgery and is doing well" I am very pleased to hear it.

3. We're just knitters, some of whom would rather hurl on our shoes than attempt the wraparound thingie.

Q: How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Two. One to change the lightbulb and one to hold the penis. LADDER! I meant ladder!

I think every area of study (art, physics, chemistry, English, music...) has jokes that only make sense to their own. Such as:
Two atoms are floating around in a cyclotron. One turns to the other and says "Hey, I think I just lost an electron."
The second atom asks "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm positive!"

Arkansas, We need you in Arkansas.

My current favorite joke:

Q: Why did the Banana go out with the prune?
A: Because he couldn't get a date.

I told that one to my Dad and he pretended not to know me.....

Figures, now that i've moved away from Michigan, you go there twice on tour (one was a while ago), and both locations are only a few hours away from where i used to live...totally my luck. Oh, and heres a joke for ya; how many men does it take to make popcorn?
4; 1 man to hold the pan, and 3 to shake the stove.
Hope your friends surgery went well, good luck (can we wish you good luck yet?) with the writing.

I love Sarah's suggestion that you recite limericks while doing an interpretive dance. I'd pay to see that!

Both your jokes made me laugh out loud. Just this week, an interviewer asked me how many writers it takes to screw in a light bulb. I told her, Only one. Collaborations never work out.

Old Lady? This from the one who has a birthday coming up? Wow. Bad planning on her part.

Sigh. I think I'll go count my gray hairs again.

You might think about submitting your *teenage boys stealing your bike pump difficulty* to the local authorities. I recommend checking out this new public art project I found in Toronto - at http://werenotgonnatakeit.org - where you write your own song lyrics to the tune of Twisted Sister's "We're Not Gonna Take it".

Ultimately, the idea of writing song lyrics, then doing phone-style karaoke protest will probably delay your impending deadline (and we all know how forgiving knitting editors are *cough*), I thought you'd get into this...

If you need a wee distraction, you should at least listen to one or two of the songs - like the "Bike Lanes are too skinny" song (I thought of Ken - then you)...

Hope you're well..

Those teenage boys, what disrespectful little bastards! Their parents need to smack them upside the head a few times. Maybe knock some decency into them.
Too many parents trying to be friends with their kids makes for a generation long on spoiled, selfish, irresponsible, disrespectful brats and short on good decent kids with a thought in their heads for others.

Funny jokes too.

I'm getting worried- I don't see MN on the tour list.

Come on Steph, tell me your coming to MN. please.

OMG thank you for that!!! A snort indeed! :) I'm sorry I am unable to help Lee Ann right now, but maybe my karma from the last few months would count?

Besides, I think you're probably doing enough! :)

Front page in a section of today's San Jose Mercury News: a package sent from SJ to a church in Massachusetts, with an anonymous apology that said, I stole this in 1981 and I'm very, very sorry. Inside were watches, jewelry, etc... Nobody knew just whose they were, and they're not pursuing criminal charges; they figure by the tone of the note that someone was punished enough. Those boys who stole your pump will have to live with themselves. Can you imagine them 25 years from now, wishing so hard, alone and one by one, that they knew who to return a bicycle pump to? (If we're all so fortunate...)

The art history lightbulb joke is hilarious, and the reader who told the Descartes joke above made me think of the physics major equivalent. And now I must share:

Werner Heisenberg is speeding down the autobahn when he is pulled over by the police.

The cop says, "Herr Heisenberg, do you know how fast you were going back there?"

Heisenberg says, "No, but I know where I am."

Ba-dum-dum!

Okay, I really really like that second lightbulb joke!

Teenaged boys suck. Well, mostly teenagers in general. I hope that car gets four flats out somewhere remote, and they look in the car and see that bike pump, and know Karma.
I can't believe you'll be here in two weeks! (I can't believe anyone would be mean enough to ask you to come to Arizona in July, but I'm selfish that way.) I can't believe it's already almost the end of July!
(When I said that to my boss, she said, "Yeah, Christmas will be here before you know it!" She hates me. I've been having palpitations ever since.)
Oh, and by the way, your joke is hilarious. The physics nerd joke that nobody else gets is a green bumper sticker that says, "If this sticker is red, I'm moving away from you very very fast."

come to kansas!

love, susan.

PS. there will not be a tornado.

I hope those teenage jerks drive over a bunch of nails. And the only pump they have is for bike tires! By the way, not all teenagers are like that. I know for sure that your daughters exemplify what the teen years should be all about. Maybe one of the kids who was in the car has enough redeeming qualities to convince the thief to return the pump at your daughter's school. By the way, I am almost in that "old lady" category and I really like it. I don't care what people think of me any more; if I have to run outside in my pyjamas to get the paper, who cares. Going braless on a hot day whilst walking the dog, is really very comfortable. It sure is easier than being a teen and worrying about what everyone thinks of you. Except I guess there are some teens who really don't care about anything except getting their kicks at someone else's expense. The little rotters.

Hark! I love deadlines when they are climbing up our backs and numbing our hands! Which is why I am not typing my LAST paper for Tiffin University but am, instead, reading your Blog!

My grandma's favorite joke was always:
What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when it hits the windshield?

It's ass.

Cracked us up everytime. Picture sweet little old lady who never says anything risque -- and that's the language she used!

Loving all the jokes, you guys crack me up. Best wishes to Lee Ann - if she's a knitter she's a kindered spirit, right?

I can tell you don't live in the US (becuase you are Canadian, duh), but also becuase NO ONE would EVER steal a bicycle pump out here in southern California. I don't think they would even know what it is used for. Maybe they would use it in a hold-up.

A joke I heard for the first time this week: The college freshman in English class fell asleep. The professor threw a book at him. "What hit me?"
The professor replied "That was a flying Chaucer."

I second the vote for a Minnespolis/St. Paul visit! (Mentioned way up at the top by Shelly Kang). I'll be glad to give you the names of some great yarn stores here!

I am coming out of lurkdom, risking the wrath of untold numbers of knitters to comment but it's for a good cause. I can happily absorb some of the bad karma currently attacking Stephanie, thus helping deflect it from Lee Ann. I do not knit. I have never knit, tried to knit, voiced a desire to knit, can't tell horrid yarn from really good yarn and nobody that knows me would give me sharp, pointy sticks... however... In the past week, my computer (that would be the computer I need to do my freaking job) died. Completely. My car died. Irrevocably. I thought the universe was smiling on me when I got an unexpected $800 today. Fifteen minutes later, the clutch on my truck went. What does it cost to replace? You guessed it! $800. Steph, I think I've got Lee Ann covered now.

i always wonder too what people think of me as i ride along on my bike—in my head, i amthe female lance armstrong, of course, but i fear that most people see a CRAZY old lady. although a few weeks back i did get a REALLY loud whistle from behind . . .
i'm so glad you updated the KSF total; i know it's silly, but i look at it each time i come to your site. for me it is a sign of strength and power.

Funny jokes, not so funny boys... too bad you didn't get the license plate number to report them to the police. We have our own crisis going on here: found a couple baby mice near our shed -- one is now 1/2 "gone" but in a cozy aquarium, the other has disappeared inside the shed. Daugter distraught, mother needs something stronger than coffee.

Pam, if there was any greater evidence that the universe *was* smiling on you, I can't conceive of it. The clutch on your only remaining car is ready to go, so Providence sends you the money to cover it. Now the computer thing -- that's Bad. :( Sorry to hear it.

>>Mum, they are teenaged boys. They don't care about some old lady on a bike.<<

Oh. My. God. How long is she grounded? :P

Now-obligatory lightbulb joke:

How many Berkeley students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Five. One to hold the lightbulb, and four more to rotate the universe around him.

My favorites:

What did the leper say to the prostitute?
Keep the tip.

How many sopranos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One, she holds the lightbulb and the world turns around her.

This one's a little outdated but still fun:

Q. How many Harvard girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A. (said in the most indignant way possible) It's Radcliffe, we're women, and THAT'S NOT FUNNY.

(PS: I'm bummed to have to miss you in Los Altos, but I have a really good excuse - click the link...)

How about China? Will your book tour take you to China?? You can always stay with me!!

Your surrealist joke reminds me of a couple that my husband told me.

Why is a mouse when it spins?

Because the higher it goes, the much.

What's the difference between a duck?

One has one left leg and so does the other.

That is just terribly awful, about those boys. What they need with a bycicle pump is beyond me.

When do us Southerners get to see you! North and South Carolina are conspicuously missing on that list, methinks.

http://weather.yahoo.com/forecast/USNM0004.html

Stephanie,

Keep us updated on Lee Ann, will you? I'm sending positive thoughts up (both skywards and Canada-wards). I've been chasing 180 3-12 year olds through my church building this week, had 3 bad asthma attacks from doing that, had several things stolen and feel like I've been hit by a truck. That should work, shouldn't it?

I see you coming to Utah. I didn't know people knew Utah existed! I notice, though, that the SLC, Utah is not in bold. Is there some significance to that (we are a "lesser" state, I admit)? I'm excited. I've got to find out if that store is handi-cap accessable, as my mom would love to meet you too. She thinks you may be related to us, as your sense of humor matches ours.

Thanks for lots of chuckles, joke tellers. Here's my favorite (and the only one I can ever remember):

How do you catch an elephant?

You dig a really big hole and fill it with ashes, then you line the edge with a row of peas. Then, when the elephant comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole.

Good to see you're still sucking up the bad karma (though I'm appalled at the teenage boys behaviour, I'm not really surprised). Today I was used as an example for 10 year old boys to walk faster ("look, that lady is walking faster than you all are"). Now she didn't say "old lady", but I could tell from her tone.

And I liked Miss Ewe's offer to door you too. That was hilarious, because I know she had the best of intentions....

And I don't get the joke. I'm more into the Monty Python, dead parrot sketch, "if it weren't nailed to the perch it would be pushing up daisies", brand of humour, I guess. Old lady that I am.

DeAnna, yes you might think that the universe loved me briefly but I didn't want to bore everyone to tears so I left out a few bits such as... 1) there is no food in the house (two teenagers.. need I say more?) and that money would have purchased some; 2) one of the the cats (my birthday present last year that promptly adopted one of the kids, the ungrateful wretch) need to be fixed.. now, please dear heavens before she goes in heat AGAIN; 3)the truck in question is mine, yes, but is also my son's only transportation to his job, which pays half the bills around this place; and 4) my hours at work just got cut from "barely able to survive on this pay" to "you're joking right?" Trust me on this, I've got Lee Ann covered, all the way from Virginia, and I *think* it might be safe to wish good things for Stephanie again.

Wow. I am amazed at the stupidity of teenage boys. Mystifying. I love the fruit fly joke. That's a classic.

Great job sucking up the bad mojo....I'll say a prayer for you just the same ;)

And, now for my favourite joke:

What do you call a fly without wings??
A walk.

I agree with Kris from Auburn. You would love Auburn or Truckee or Sacramento.

Loved the fish joke. Hate those teenagers.

I go into hysterics from that joke too, but I was an art student as well.

looks like my trip to michigan is well timed - Maybe I'll see you in Ann Arbor!

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

If it had four it would be a chicken sedan.

Get it? "Coupe" vs. "coop." Anyhoo...

In the spirit of helping Lee Ann, I am here at my office, two hours after normal business hours on my last day of work before vacation.

And it will probably be raining by the time I get on my bicycle to go home.

I wish nothing but evil for those punks who stole your bike pump.

What do those yahoos think they are going to do with your bike pump anyway????
And when are you going to be appearing, I mean, speaking in the Central Indiana area?? We've got to have some shop or bookstore SOMEWHERE who understand your importance!!
Alice

Way to go with the bike pump/old lady thing . You have TOTALLY got LeeAnn covered! You may not have to be doored after all.

I forgot to say: Tonia, you are super cool!

Thats some impressive totals there!!! WOOHOO!
One intellegent woman can take care of the lightbulbs!! lol

I think you need to add the UK to your tour, especially Scotland.

My favourite lightbulb joke

How many folk singers does it take to change a lightbulb?
4. One to change the bulb and 3 to sing about how good the old one was!

The way I heard the joke was - Why did the surrealist cross the road? Fish. Either way that's a good one! Lee Ann - thinking nothing but good thoughts. Punks with your bicycle pump - thinking crabs and cold sores.

That joke is up there with: "How does a gay man fake an orgasm? He spits on your back!"

Sorry about your pump. And do you miss it much?

My Best,

Chris

The deadline and the upcomming tour are excellent reasons to draft the family to do the things you usually do that are invisible-cooking, washing, and the like. "I can't now, dear, I have a deadline. You'll have to make dinner." As for the bike pump theives, my heart goes out to you. At least it was only theft and not assault. WOMEN,( I'm assuming most of us knitters are women ) WE HAVE GOT TO FIGHT BACK WHEN THESE THINGS HAPPEN! When there are consequences to bad behavior, then there is less of it. Making a police report, with or without the license plate number at the very least means you will feel better. Sometimes in your daily life you stumble across the perp ( ask me how I know )and can then go to the police and at least get to see the little s--- pretty uncomfortable. ( and if you haven't reported them, then it makes no sense to call the police now, that's when you really wish you had. ) The whole point is to shift our thinking to be proactive. Our dear Harlot has an awful lot on her plate, which of course makes it harder. My grown daughter has been with me when things have happened and stood up for me when I was too weak or ill to do it myself. She made me proud to have raised her to not accept victimization.

The bicycle pump incident reminds me of a scene in one of my favorite movies [I am OLD], The Goodbye Girl. While Richard Dreyfus is in a liquor store buying wine, a car full of delinquents roars up and steals Marsha Mason's bag and roars on down the street. She gets furious with Dreyfus when he won't chase them [on foot] and get it back.

How many librarians does it take to change a lightbulb? Two--one to change it and one to alphabetize it.

Love the jokes. I'm howling like a beagle! How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb? None. That's a hardware problem.

How many REAL men does it take to change a lightbulb? None. REAL men aren't afraid of the dark.

How many guilt-tripping mothers does it take to change a lightbulb? None. Never mind me dear. You go out and have fun with your friends. I'll just sit here alone in the dark.

How many U of Oregon football stars does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but he gets five college credits for it.

I have to say that I love the surrealist joke (and the variations on it). However, I have taught art history and I've tried to tell the joke to my classes. I have yet to have anyone even snicker. They just blink at me. I'm glad to know SOMEONE out there finds it as giggle worthy as I do!

Mellanie - *blush*

I agree--come to NY!!

Back to the three knitters:
Madame DeFarge
Marie Antoinette (while she was imprisoned, she asked for her knitting that she could continue to make socks for her son. It was denied her.)
And for contrast, Marge Simpson.

So, what are those boys going to do with a bike pump????

You can wear your new tank top when you come to visit us in Austin, because you know it's going be godawful hot. And the fact that they're using a Baptist Church made me laugh!

/hugs a Pam. :(

Um ... just think of all the good you're doing for LeeAnn? :\

Not an art student, but the joke resulted in a major fit of giggles. ;) And good luck on that deadline! I think you've safely passed the bar for seriously sucky luck by now, y'know? As to those boys...their karmic payback will be *needing* a bike pump, 'cause the driver's car engine will blow up and permanently die. So will the engines of all his friends' cars. And their friends' cars. Thus reducing them to helplessness, since of course, being 'cool' enough to steal, they're way too 'cool' (little snots) to own bikes. So they'll either have to walk or mass-transit everywhere, or have their parents drive them, until they manage to earn enough to pay for new engines/cars. (May it take them until they're 80.) How's that for humiliation?

At least it's a nice, heart-warming thought, eh? ::Monica looks innocent::

My friend, Paige, turned me onto this site. Great jokes! (oh... sorry, I'm not a knitter yet) I thought I'd contribute a joke.

A piece of string walks up to the bar and asks for a drink. "We don't serve your kind in here! Get out!" yells the bartender. The string exits. Out in front of the bar, he thinks to himself, then ties himself into a knot and frazzles his ends. He walks back into the bar, and in a lower voice, demands a drink. "Hey, aren't you that same piece of string that was in here a little bit ago?" (here it comes!) "Nope, I'm a frayed knot!" (this one makes me giggle every time I tell it!) Enjoy, and thanks for the laughs! ~ Dana

A frayed knot! I love it! The fish joke has always been one of my favorites. Here's my all time fave though:

Why did the bear fall out of the tree?

It was dead.

I applaud you for volunteering to distract all the bad karma on behalf of Lee Ann, and all the readers who are willing to take a hit themselves, but I can't be the only one who finds it disturbing that you have a number of readers who are happy to help YOU suffer.

I'm going to have to go back and read the manual, but I'm pretty sure you can't transfer third-party karma. You can attract and absorb Lee Ann's bad karma, but if you suffer through stuff that other people are doing to you (stealing your bike pump, throwing [cold!] water balloons at you, being regarded as OLD (?!)), then you're just building up your own good and the thief/balloon launcher/old-caller is building up his or her own bad.

Here's where it gets hairy: if you do this for too long, then you'll build up so much good karma for yourself that you won't be able to attract the bad karma demons for Lee Ann and she'll have to manage without you and your basement will be wet anyway.

So please let your readers know that if they want Lee Ann's surgery and recovery to be successful, they need to stop revelling in your (hilariously conveyed) stories of misfortune and dwell in some misery of their own!

OK, here's a big laugh for your publicist, but how about commin up here to Alaska?? Please??? OK, I'll pull out the big guns, one word... QUIVIUT. You know, the under coat of a musk ox. The warmest, lightest, softest, most knitilicious stuff EVER. Angora rabbits and baby alpaca weep with envy. It's a local product up here. You could come up and sample. Give it a thought, we'd love to have you. Hang in there, LeeAnn has to have GREAT karma going after the week you've had.

Our plumbing stopped up this morning. DH couldn't figure out why I was so happy. I didn't have the nerve to tell him about Stephanie's karma-dispersal plan for Lee Ann.

A fish. Heh. Thanks for the reminder. I love that one.

Knock Knock:
Who's there?
Non-Sequitor
Non-Sequitor Who?

Box o' Nails

ayuk... (still snorting over the jokes... a fish! too funny!)

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinosceros?

ele-fi-no! (rhymes w/hell if I know?) Yeah, well it made my middle schoolers giggle...

And about those teenaged boys-- I'm not sure what to say--when dealing with teenagers in public I usually get my 'teacher face' on and for some reason that scares them into submission... however I'm waiting for the day that fails me and I get the snot beat out of me, 'old lady' or no! (And I am approximately 9 months older than you, Steph--you're practically a fetus!)

The bike pump... More bad karma. That has to be more soaking up of the bad karma so that good karma goes to the ways of your friend during brain surgery. Dang, if only we all had friends with such bad karma!

I love the lightbulb jokes in your blog and in the comments. Friday evening needs a few good jokes.

please bring the tour to the big apple!!! pretty pretty please, with cherries on top, oops, you already have lots of cherries...well, anyway, please come to NYC!

i know that there is nothing you can do about the lack of canadian, in particular east coast canadian dates for the tour so, can I get a pin somehow, please? I would be willing to sell them out here too if you want to send me a few.

In a similar vein, when my sons were about 7 and 9, the 9 year old would ask the younger, "How many catfish in a jar?" The answer - two! Then they would dissolve in fits of laughter. I have never figured that one out. But they are 29 and 31 now and it still works.

When you come to Texas it will be HOT. They'll tell you that Austin is dry and hot isn't as hot when it's dry heat but it'll still be HOT. Keep woking on the tank. The good thing is that there is plenty of air conditioning and you have to love a city whose un official motto is "Keep Austin Wierd." Since Austin is the state capital, that really isn't a problem.

Today I drove from Houston to Austin to RSVP for the Harlot visit (and pick up my son from camp). Please don't let anything happen that'll keep you off tour. I guess, if it'll help Lee Ann, it's okay but other than that, we're expecting you!

P.S. Tell your publicist that booking Austin in March might be a nice break from the cold in Toronto.

Old! Old! Ugh. When something like this happened to me I actually said, "what would your mothers say if they were here right now". Maybe I am old. Cause if you are, I certainly am too.

I'm officially a physics nerd - I LOVED the bumper sticker joke.
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic with insommnia? He stayed up all night wondering if Dog exists.

Okay I must admit that I am 100 percent out of it (too busy chasing after interesting license plates, or something like that) but a) why does the yarn you're using look like paper (and look v. cool and breezy, mind you) b) can we get a pin without crossing paths with you at a signing? Seems like whenever you're around these parts, I'm not.

How many teenage girls does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One - but she doesn't screw it in, she just lifts her arm and the world revolves around her.

Why, oh why, does your publicist not let you tour in Canada? I loved the fruit fly joke, by the way.

I'm sorry your bike pump was stolen like that. Knowing teenage boys there is half a chance it's in the nearest patch of weeds. Might be worth a look see.

I am loving the jokes though. So of course I have to add my favorite. :)

There are two muffins in the oven.
The first muffin says to the second muffin "Jeez, it's hot in here"
The second muffin says "Holy Sh*t! A talking muffin."

And remember "Time flies like an arrow and fruit flies like a banana."

How many bloggers does it take to change a lightbulb?

One to screw it in, three to take photos, 50 more to post a comment.
;-)

Here's my brother's favorite bit of insanity from when we were in school. If a hen and a half laid an egg and a half in a day and a half, how many pancakes does it take to shingle a doghouse? Please make up your own answers.

My favorite. And I'm a Unitarian.
HOW MANY UNITARIANS does it take to change a light bulb?

"We chose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that a light bulb works for you, that's fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb (or light source, or non-dark resource), and present it next month at our annual light-bulb Sunday service, in which we explore a number of light-bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted--all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence."

*SNORT*

I love the surrealist joke - I told it to the students in my high school art history class. It took them a bit, but they politely laughed. It's tough to *tell* funny art history jokes, no? They are much funnier visually. :)

And the fish with no eyes - heeHEE! - I told my husband. He just stared. His brother is here from college. He said "hunh?". I called my sister. She laughed just as hard as me!

I can't WAIT until you are in Chicago! I'm coming from almost Wisconsin (about 350 ft. S of the border) to see you and the sock. :D You'll be fine! You could hum Crocodile Rock and do rhythmic gymnastics. We'd all be in awe, just the same. :)

Old lady? Old lady?!, I do believe that that is adding insult to injury and worthy of cruel and unusual punishment. ( Run Meg, run )

I have two really wonderful jokes that are never fail slow whack ones The first one is a two person joke, preferably with someone of the oposite sex.
First person: what sort of belly button do you have, an innie or an outie?
Second person names their button style.
First person: Well, I have an (Whatever the opposite button style) Wanna play snaps?

try it on your DH or whatever your SO happens to be.

My other joke is relevant for people who have a teenage daughter, and I ain't telling it here.
Your karma attractant still seems to be working for LeeAnn when do you know for sure how things came out?

What if it hadn't been your bike pump? What if it'd been yarn? What if it'd been 300 meters of the finest hand-dyed, marbleized fiber your fingers had even touched, something you'd just purchased and already had plans for?

Especially if said wool had cost more than was reasonable and you'd felt sort of guilty about buying it to begin with?

Oh, mah Ghod.

Don't hurl on your shoes. There's so many of us who want to meet you because you make us laugh hysterically and it's GOOD. I am really really looking forward to your visit here!

The. Yarn. Harlot. Mentioned. Me.

And all I did was offer to cause her bodily harm in the name of a friend. I'm flabbergasted.

Also, I love the fish joke. Could not stop laughing.

I'll take the 'lee ann continues to do well' as she finally had the surgery and is doing well?? Her server is down. certainly she could be having only good luck as you are having all the bad luck!
When I was 35 I bought a denim jacket...it was really nice and I was very happy in it until my son said i "looked like an old BROAD trying to look hip".....thanks kid....you wanted a new pair of what???..not anytime soon from this "old broad"!!! hehe.! Now I tease him about his Hawiian shirts...he lives in NC...not Hawaii!!Can't wait for you to come to phoenix..I'm driving over 100 miles to see you!!yes you will need a sweater....but the GOOD NEWS is: if its really hot..... panties are optional!!!

Celebrity prizes! I'd like a dinner with Hugh Laurie, please.

Along with the no-eyed fish joke, I bring you another one!

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea(r)!

(haha? sounds like no eye deer!)
My 6th grade cousin told me that one. I crack up everytime :P

Two goldfish are in a tank.
One turns to the other and says:
"How do we drive this thing?"

Cracks me up. Kids at school just stare at the "old, big, round teacher" and I'm a sub, so I can't even take it out on their grades!

Ann Arbor, eh? That's about 2 1/2 hours from Mayberry-on-Acid, Ohio. I think I may just be able to make that trip on the 30th! It must be fate that I lost my job and have time on my hands between freelancing gigs. Now, I can visit my mother-in-law-to-be, see the city (the yarn stores, that is), and meet the Harlot in person!

Who says being unemployed is a bad thing?

Bad Hippie (aka Sue from Oberlin)

The reigning joke when I was studying Econ was the picture of the professor standing at the front of the room saying "Let us assume we have three carp..." (Sorry, it really is only funny when you're been there.)

I feel compelled to point out that beautiful CO is on the way to several of the places you are going on this next round of signings. Since we don't seem to be making the summer list, may I point out that it's lovely here in the fall too?

And last, it appears you can become invisible even while trying to do a good deed. Some too incredibly hip and fit beyond all reason young people were zooming out of the gas station with bikes atop the car. They narrowly missed hitting me as I was trying to wave the bike pump that fell off their vehicle. Since they zoomed off in a cloud of exhaust (so they could go exercise in clean air?), I now have a bike pump I could send you if you like.

I'll give you the only orchestra joke I have:

Two piccolos were in tune.

That cracks me up every time!

on the joke front:

The motto of the Non Sequitur society?
"We don't make sense, but we sure like pizza."

A: Knock, knock.
B: Who's there?
A: Impatient cow.
B: Impatient cow w..?
A: MOO!

Stupid jokes crack me up every time.

Helpful travel hint for Austin: While it will be hot, and by hot I mean when you leave the hotel, the air will physically assault you with its hotness, and you will fear for the health of any yarn left in a vehicle (it probably won't spontaneously combust), BE WARNED that any time you step INSIDE, it will very likely be cold - and feel colder due to the temperature contrast. Think 38c to 23c or so. So tanks for outside, sweaters for inside - what more could a knitter want?

Oh,and even if only 10 people were to come see you at HCW (Hill Country Weaver) it would be too many for that store - tiny-roomed old house + mucho yarn, + mucho books + 1 large table = people walking in single file. Ten would a crowd, and five would be on the other side of the wall. So Baptist Church = good. Expect a big turnout - besides the many Austin knitters, I wouldn't be surprised if knitters from Houston, Dallas, San Antonio and any place in between show up. We don't blink at eye at a 3 hour drive for yarn-related activities.

How many prostitutes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? As many as you want..but it costs extra.

How many chickens does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one..but it has to cross the road first.

How many sheep does it take to change a lightbulb? 100..1 to change it and 99 more to do the same.

How many gay men does it take to change a lightbulb? 4..one to change it and 3 more to critique his outfit....

How many prostitutes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? As many as you want..but it will cost extra.

Ah come on you know you want to talk in the "Hamptons" don't you want to say "I was in the Hamptons this summer" And all those readers in NYC would come out here for it too.

My DH was wondering why I am sitting here giggling away and when I told him some of the jokes he just looked at me -- and that just set me off all over again .....

Forgive me please; I've asked Miss Ewe NOT to door you after linking to your "door." Relieved to hear the Lee Ann is doing well and I have total confidence (since I am so all-powerful, uh know, ha!) that she will continue to do so without you having further bad karmic experiences!@

BTW, would like to find some mohair laceweight to use as a carry-along for sock heels and toes (as "nature's nylon"); you mentioned that Icarus is knit of mohair laceweight...Can you please tell me/us name/brand of yarn? And if you put them in a prior posting, I forgot and apologize for asking...I know you have enough of your mind without repetitive questions.

I'm doing my bit for Lee Ann, too! My birthday was Wednesday and was very nice (Knit store birthday) ... and then Thursday morning I woke up at 4:30 with ghastly abdominal pain ... ended up having my appendix out Thurday evening. Still on painkillers, so I need to go lie down now.

It will balance out...those teenaged boys will have bad karma sometime (hopefully soon)in response to brazenly stealing your bike pump.

Knit a teenaged boy voodoo doll and stick all your size 0 dpns in it.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, COME TO LONG ISLAND, NY!!!

Oh yeah....and the stupid joke I love:

Three holes in the ground...well, well, well.

Juniper from Austin is right: We are willing to drive 6 hours from Louisiana to see you. Is the Dallas book signing off?

I just love this joke, although most people don't get it.

?- 'How many Prolog programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb'.
no
?-

If anyone cares, the explanation is under "queries" here: http://cs.wwc.edu/KU/PR/Prolog.html#syntax

Keep us posted on Lee Ann's progress, make your deadline, and have fun with the droves of knitters who will continue to be thrilled to get anywhere near you. You're a treasure!

What TIME are you going to be in Chicago? If you're not coming to Wisconsin, Wisconsinites will come to you.

Steph, darn it.. we won't be leaving nyc until july 23rd.. so there is no way we would make it to mesa on the 26th.. grrrrrr.. i thought it would have been so much fun to have seen you there too.. oh well.. another tour!! hugs karola

I'm shocked, SHOCKED I tell you that you've been moved to a bigger venue. I really didn't think there were THAT MANY knitters - I certainly can't find any of them. Don't worry about talking to us, I've been told that people in Albuquerque are very nice (I already kinda knew that, but hearing this from somebody "not-from-here" gives it a little extra meaning). I'm so excited!!!!

I have been selfish - I haven't worried a bit about what you'll say in Chicago - hadn't even considered YOU'D be nervous too but INSTEAD will I be able to manage the train to get there to see you, I must manage the train, and then what about the train change, and then walking from the Metra station - is it scary in Chicago late at night, why won't that Metra schedule be more accomodating, will I be able to find a seat, or a place to stand, what if I run out of time and miss the signing, what if, what if, what if?? Okay, I am putting things in perspective - if I can do it, you can do it! Can't wait to see you in Chicago barring train glitches that is! (now if you would come to Wisconsin like another commenter suggested, I could avoid all of this train stuff...)

Darlin, Tenn is NOT south. You'll need to turn left, visit the real south, then continue towards the Southwest on your tour. You're not south until you've seen the Union Jack as a state flag, trust me. Of course, if Los Angeles is still waiting to see you... Alabama might be a little further down the list. But not to worry, it will still be raining when you do get here.

How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? One, but has got to want to change.

How many Teenaged boys does it take to tile a bathroom?
One: but you have to slice him really thin.

Glad that I read on your website that there are now tickets required to the Albuquerque event. Am sorry to say, for me, that it is already sold out - 150 tickets, and I'm on the waiting list.

Send some moisture this way!

Q: How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?

A: Depends how thinly you slice them.

Wow... the same thing happened to me on the 4th! I hit a ball out of the tennis court and was going to get it later. Some kids came buy in a car, and picked up the tennis ball. I said Thanks! And they ran to the car and got in with my ball! Not nearly as worth much as a bicycle pump, but wth! How can these kids steal things while the owners are looking RIGHT at them!

Heartbreak. Absolute heartbreak. I'll be in Chicago for a fish convention - yes, they have fish conventions - and we leave for home the morning of the 24th. My youngest, keen to get an extra day with Grandma, said we could stay till Tuesday. No go. In addition to the convention, you see, there's the auction. Live fish. Twelve hour auction. There's no wiggle room on the return trip timing if the fish we expect to purchase are to survive the drive back to Kansas. We leave Monday morning. And I miss the Yarn Harlot by mere hours.

But I did buy two lovely skeins of black Alpaca on sale today. Small comfort.

Hmmm, maybe book #4 should have stupid jokes interspersed throughout?
Here's another one.
Q: What does the dyslexic agnostic with insomnia do?
A: Stay up all night and wonder if there really is a dog.

Hi Stephanie,
I have a knitting crisis that I cannot figure out and need some assistance. I am knitting a real cute little cotton shell that has armhole facings knitted on as you knit the armhole decreases. I have knitted it 3 times according to the pattern and I just cannot seem to get it right. The pattern reads like this at the beginning of the armhole decreases:

Cast on 4 sts.
Row 1: Sl 1, P1, Sl1, P2 tog (1 stitch of edge & 1 stitch of underarm). TURN.
Row 2: Sl 1, P1, Sl 1, P1, TURN.

Repeat rows 1 & 2 until 6 sts have been decreased at this armhole edghe, ending after a row 1 DO NOT TURN.

Work across back and Cast on 4 sts. Repeat rows 1 & 2 until 6 sts have been decreased at athis armhole edge, ending after a row 1.

OK... my problem is that my left armhole does not match my right armhole ( stitch pattern wise). Following this pattern, row 1 is a right side row on the left back and a wrong side row on the right side back. What am I doing wrong? Thanks for any assistance you can lend to this knitting dilema!
Lori K

Are you never coming to Virginia (Specifically Richmond)? I want to meet you!

How many sorority girls does it take to change a light bulb?

100, 1 to change the bulb, and 99 to sing about it.

Steph, my two year old has Lee Ann's back. You are now free to do lace...click on my URL....

don't despair over the bike-pump-robbers

when the little buggers try to use it,
they'll just find it's full of stashed yarn

serve 'em right

I can't believe no one told my favorite joke of all time... Two peanuts were walking down the street, and one of them was assaulted (say it out loud for full effect)

I'm so excited! You're coming to Texas!!! One would think that the publicist might book two of the larger cities (Like Dallas or Houston), but for you, we will drive to Austin! (Besides, the ladies at Hill Country Weavers are Nice (with capital N!)

OK...How many Freudian analysts does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100....one to screw in the light bulb and 99 to convene a symposium to discuss it's sexual implications! :)

Yes! I know where I'll be on September 6th :-) The question is, should I bring samosas?

That's terrible about the bike pump ... one day those teenage boys will be OLD and karma will work itself out. Maybe you'll be there to witness it, you know, knitting your 1,000th pair of socks :-)

My favorite joke:

What did the fish say to the toad?
No soap, no radio.

What do you expect from my teenage years? At least I would have picked up the bike pump and returned it to you.

You'll do great on tour ... we love you. Even if some of us don't do a lot of knitting.

Here are my favorite light bulb jokes:

1. How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but the light bulb really has to want to change.

2. How many Teamsters does it take to change a light bulb?
Fifteen. And who wants to kinow?

And here's a new one... How many teen-aged boys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I don't know. I'm still sitting here in the dark waiting while they run around stealing bicycle pumps.

Sorry to hear about the bike pump, all my best to Lee Ann, and here's my contribution to the joke fest:

How many dogs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund, Basset Hound and Beagle: We can't reach the stupid lamp!

Toy Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Rottweiler: Go ahead! Make me!

Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants...

Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

My favourite joke is "Why is a mouse when it spins?" The answer is "Because the higher, the fewer."

Yeah. I know. I'll just go back to the kitchen now, shall I?

NEW YORK CITY!!! Please, please, please.

OK, one more silly one:
If you're a Canadian in your living room, what are you in your bathroom?

You're - a - peein

Did you at least get the license plate?
Oh, well, I hope that a new bicycle pump will inspire them to actually ride their bikes instead of driving arounda a car, stealing other peoples' bike pumps.

As for your new tour dates and cities, remember when I was begging for you to go to the Twin Cities? Well, that internship fell through and so I'm no longer moving to St. Paul. And so I'm sad not to be there. Except that now I'm moving to Toledo, Ohio for my internship.
Although you'll be in Ann Arbor sometime this summer, I won't be there yet, and I'll be long gone by the time you get here to the Bay Area. Maybe it is just not to be.
But then again, Toronto is within a day's drive, and I've never even been to that part of Canada.
Maybe I need an extended yarn crawl to the North. Perhaps I need to pay homage to the new Lettuce Knit. It did look like a neat yarn store. And I have been considering learning to spin. Surely Toronto is the place to learn to spin. Yes, I feel a trip coming on.

I just wanted to say that the fruit fly joke made me snort. :)

Surreal-- How's this-- This morning, I put on son on a plan at 6 to attend debate camp in Michigan for a month. But... we didn't pay for the camp or complete the enrollement forms. He was mortified when he arrived. I look forward to seeing you in OKC. Bev

Hi Yarn Harlot, I'm Andrew's Mom ( you know the SUNY ESF in Syracuse student who doesn't knit). We have a sour cherry tree and have been harvesting it for years to make jelly, pies, and sour cherry crisp. Well Andrew strategically place your sour cherry upside down cake recipe on the kitchen counter. I baked it this weekend and it is scrumptious! It got rave reviews.
Now to keep the birds from eating your cherries: "Hooty the Owl" does the trick for us. We put him in the tree and he scares the birds away. I believe that Andrew sent you the link to purchase one if you can find his comment.
Good luck.

Looking forward to seeing you in Austin, TX and yes you will want to wear something for hot weather. July (almost August) in Texas is not what I would call "hot" but broiling but there will be AC! And there is nothing to be afraid of, we don't bite! It is only knitting!

2nd joke was really funny; after a long day, it was great

As a psychology student, I'm still teary eyed from the Freudian joke!

As an ex-teenager (who is still male), I feel that it's a shame that you didn't have the wherewithal to get their license plate number and then call their mothers/school. Generally, I think that our culture does a poor job of socializing men in a manner that actually merits even an infinitessimal amount of the respect that they feel entitled to.

My favorite jokes (and I thought no one else laughed at stuff like this! My family usually just gives me blank looks)...

You know when geese fly overhead, in a V? You know how one leg of the V is longer than the other one? Know why that is?

More geese.

My friend Carrie explained to me years ago that cows actually have a vocabulary of over a thousand words...They just get a kick out of saying Moo all the time.

And time flies...but you can't, because they don't fly in straight lines.

Heeheehee. LOVED the one about the Freudians and the ladder.

A stray thought: I'm glad those kids didn't stop again and swipe your bike too!

Where are the beautiful Twin Cities of Minneapolis and St Paul? I do have tickets already to see you with my sister in Los Altos though.

How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None - I'll sit in the dark.

-------------------

How many women ....? One.
How many men ....? Only one, but it also takes at least one woman to applaud.

Does Meg know at least one of the jerks that was in the car? I was once working in a fast food joint where we had a group of kids rip off a bunch of food - even after one of them had said hi to one of the workers on that shift....

I love the fish joke too.

Three years ago, or so, I took a workshop from Lucy Neatby, who arrived looking very different from her then blog pic--no more long dark braid, but short, and the crown of her hair was magenta! It was an inspiration, and my formerly dull gray hair has been benefiting ever since--mostly purples & turquoises, with the occasional foray into pink at the behest of my 4-year-old granddaughter. I am no longer the invisible older woman, and the compliments come from people of all ages and either sex. My now daughter-in-law, when she first visited us in Canada, looked worried when she saw the vibrant purple--then relaxed when I told her it was for fun, not some unforeseen disaster. So, ladies of a certain age--this could protect your bicycle pumps or other portable possessions!
p.s. I remember vividly the day when my daughter, then aged 12, (I was 35) asked me what something had been like "in the olden days, when you were young". I picked up the phone and called my mum, because when I had said that to her as a teenager, she'd told me it would happen to me...
Pam

For the economists:

How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It depends.

three words for you:

PLEASE COME SOUTH!!!!!

that is all =)

Back in college, Dave had a radio show with his roommate. I sat in one night and insisted on telling the "surrealist fish" joke. You know what the worst thing in radio is? Dead air. Do you know what followed my joke? Dead air. :)
To this day, he insists that it isn't even close to being as funny as I think it is.

Aww. Poor bike pump. Darn teenagers. Nevermind that I am one myself. Shh.

Would love to come see you when you're in CA, but I'm a bigger knitter than my mum, so that's not happening!

And my favourite stupid joke?

Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick!

Dearest Harlot of the Woolly Stuff:

Why do you never come to the Twin Cities? We've got scads of Culture. We've got Trees. We've got Lakes. We've got more book and yarn stores than you can shake a needle at (really... I've got TWO YARN STORES WITHIN A MILE OF MY HOUSE).

And we're famously nice. Like Canadians, actually.

Even better, we're really close to Canada. So close that we almost share an accent, as well as a border.

Yes, I know that - as the Arrogant Worms say - Canada's really big, and just because we are adjacent to the country at large does not mean that we are close to you, personally.

But really, if you can come to Chicago, you can come here. We are, after all, right *between* Canada and Chicago.

If you come, we promise not to feed you lutefiske.

Sincerely (because we Minnesotans are very sincere people),

Eileen M.

May those teenage boys need Viagra decades before nature intended. Like tomorrow. So there.

You guys have gone thru most of my favorite bad jokes. Now I must resort to drummer jokes:

Q. What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?

A. Homeless

Q. How do you get a drummer off your front porch?

A. Pay for the pizza.

Sorry, it's the heat fumes ....

That Joke ranks in my top also! As an art teacher my fav is:
(And this is impressive, because...well, I can never remember a joke!)
Q: What is a pirate's favorite subject?
A: A-rrrr-t (And you have to make a hook with your hand!)

Cracks me up just writing it down!

That's always been one of my favourite jokes and one I always use to "test" people to see if I could actually get along with them. So, you passed!

Here's another:

Q. How many A.D.D. kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A. Wanna go bike riding?

I forgot the best part. When someone does not "get" the surrealist joke, the correct response is "I guess surrealist humour is not your cup of fur."

That surrealist joke just made me laugh so hard I cried and no one in my office got it, they just thought I was crazy...

I guess surrealism isn't their cup of fur ;-)

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