January 10, 2011

News Item

Toronto, Canada- Sources are reporting that a remarkable outbreak of "Startitis" has been identified in a Toronto knitters home.

Thus far, the disease appears to be limited to this one knitting environment, but authorities report that the infected crafter appears to be "absolutely reckless" in her attempts to spread it.  Despite the shocking disorganization and lack of focus the disease inflicts on knitters who contract it, patient zero has boldly claimed that she "doesn't care" about the consequences to other knitters she may infect. Despite repeated pleas for her to "rein it in" and "stop talking about mittens" the knitter in question is still emailing links of patterns to other knitters, offering them yarn, and sending notices regarding yarn sales to other victims. 

There is some indication that patient zero was showing signs of the illness last week when she texted her sister in law about an alpaca yarn sale at a nearby shop, and suggested that it was more than reasonable for her to go in and buy twenty or thirty skeins, despite clear evidence that Kelly her sister-in-law would have little ability to use same in a lifetime.

Symptoms include: Unpacking the yarn stash into the kitchen and claiming that it's "part of a plan", stacking a considerable number of  knitting books in the bathroom and calling it "research" and casting on two pairs of mittens in as many hours, winding at least seventeen skeins of yarn into balls and insisting that their use was imminent - all while beginning a two pairs of socks, a hat, a blanket and even a new sweater, despite two being underway at present. The subject is also showing limited ability to resist small scarf patterns, and is showing some worrying signs of a break with reality, as she was overheard telling a knitting friend that she has "no 4mm needles" when it is well known that there are multiple pairs in her possession. (A witness has postulated that the knitter was misunderstood, and that she was not suggesting that she didn't have the needles, but that they were all presently in use, which is equally disturbing.)

She can be identified by the alarming amount of yarn that has recently been released from confinement in the stash, the stack of patterns, yarn and needles on every surface of the house, as well as the multitude of knitting projects spilling from her project bag - along with her cheerful but delusional insistence that they will all be finished by Friday.

Sources close to the victim indicated that she appeared to be holding her own against the infection until this last weekend, when a series of incidents appear to have catapulted her into full blown infection.  (One family member said "I don't know what TNNA is, but the tweets and blog posts about how much yarn was there really didn't help her.")

As Startitis is believed to be viral, no treatment is required, but to avoid spreading the disease, the knitter should be approached with caution until the outbreak resolves.

Posted by Stephanie at January 10, 2011 1:04 PM