May 14, 2013

Some Sort of Silence

I sat down to blog this morning, and realized that I don't have anything to say.

Actually, that couldn't be a bigger lie. I have a ton to say.  I have a thousand words that I would love to pour out here, words about grief and loss and sad things and families and choices and there not being choices and... the upshot is that something sad and inevitable is happening to someone in our family, and we are all in a wild place. I'd love to share that. I think it would even feel good to share that, but the more I think about blogging and privacy and how much I would like to share, the more I realize that the person who is sick would not like that. They would like another sort of dignity and privacy and there is absolutely no way that I cannot honour that - or even say anything that might not totally err on the side of caution.

I'm telling you this by way of apology. I am used to sharing my life with you all here, and I like it - but this time I am going to be cagey, and I realize that is going to make this blog a little weird for a while - while things happen that I will not discuss. There will be comings and goings and I am going to do my best to be present, and share what I can, but right now it is important that I keep in my head that this is not a diary. It is a place where I share what I think and feel with very real limits, and concern for the feelings of others. I feel like I usually have great instincts about that, and I'm going to honour them.

So here is what I can tell you now. I was away. I am back. I may go away again. There is a lot of tea, and talking, and keeping things slow and close and considering the effect that my words may have on others all the time.
I am knitting, but sometimes, I just need to be still.

Blogging and privacy are tricky, and I've always been careful, and I'm going to be more careful now. The internet feels intimate, from this spot at my desk where I've always shared so much of my life with you... but it is not.
I know most of you will understand - because I bet most of you have some really strong feelings about the internet, and blogs and oversharing, and I know that sometimes I read things on blogs and think "Oh man. I wish you hadn't permanently committed that piece of information about another person to the wilds of the world" and I bet you do too. So I won't. 


Posted by Stephanie at May 14, 2013 1:37 PM