I think I have a little problem. I found this note in my knitting basket.
Dear Tramping, Harlotting Trollop,
I’ve been there for you for almost four years, ever since the spring of 2000. I remember how it was in the beginning. You were charmed by me, you cast me on the moment we saw each other. We spent many evenings together you running my soft fibres through your hands, caressing my defined stitches…I thought we would be together forever.
Then it started, at first it was just the small things, a sock, a pair of mittens. It was easy to overlook your duplicity, the way you were knitting other things. I pretended not to notice that your mother had a new hat. Then it started to be embarrassing. Whole sweaters, several of them. A shawl – for crying out loud Steph, you didn’t think I would notice a whole shawl? What did you think the other wool would say? I’m just supposed to let that 50% alpaca talk to me like that? I’m about 10 seconds away from tangling his skein.
How long has it been since you said my name? You just laugh, sitting there with your self-patterning sock yarn, calling me The Sweater That Will Not Be Named. Don’t you think that hurts me? How do you think I feel when you put me in the basket and take out some cheap novelty yarn. “Allison needs a scarf” my arse. Can’t you see what you are doing? You will never find another yarn like me, I’m a discontinued line, and you just turn your back on me?
Why don’t you just pull the needles right out of me!
This doesn’t make any sense, you keep talking about how cold you are… look at yourself, sitting there in a Wal-mart cardigan with holes in it. Can’t you see how you are hurting both of us? Do you think that I didn’t see you with that laceweight last night? The swatch is right on the table. You don’t even try to hide your wicked ways any longer. This has got to stop. Just finish my collar and do the making up, we can be together baby, I can keep you warm. I love you despite it all.
(PS. Touch the laceweight again and the alpaca gets it)
This might not be the time to show you the laceweight that I scored eh? Don’t worry about this sweater thing…I’ll buy it some buttons or something.