I Can Come Back From This

Yesterday I packed for Madrona really carefully.  Suzanne, the great lady who organizes the thing is one of my favourite people, and I’d pretty much give her anything, so when she asked what classes I wanted to teach I said “Whatever you want” and so she picked one of each and I should have thought about what that does to your luggage.  I have everything I need for four different classes, and last night when I was done assembling it all, I had to snuggle my underpants amongst the silk cocoons to make it all fit.

I have two suitcases, and they’re mostly full of class supplies, so I was packing light with personal stuff.  Nothing I didn’t need, nothing I wouldn’t use, you know the drill.  The whole time I was wildly worried that I was forgetting something.  Not something dumb or small, but something big and important and vital.  I went over my checklist about fourteen times.  I went to bed feeling worried.  I lay there in the dark going over scenarios.

Had I forgotten some class supply? I went through the list again in my head, imagining me walking though my day teaching.  Nope.

I went through my clothes and personal stuff in my mind. Underpants? Socks? Did I have shirts? Was I leaving for Seattle with no shirts? I had it all.

Was it an electronic thing? I have my laptop, my laptop charger, my phone, phone charger, iPad, iPad charger…assorted connectors to hook me up to projectors and …. I am a walking Apple Store.  There’s no way I’m missing that stuff.

I started turning the Teacher Talent Show for charity over in my mind then.  I’m responsible for it again this year, and that means I need some really weird stuff to be ready.  The rule is that what happens at the Teacher Talent Show stays at the Teacher Talent Show – there’s a media ban, so that the teachers can show you what they can do without living in fear of a youtube video that will be the sort of thing they wince about forever, and frankly, you wouldn’t believe what some of these people are able to do, outside of knitting, and well, I was pretty sure I’d worked that list too.  It wasn’t that.

It wasn’t anything, I decided, although I had a nagging terrible feeling that some huge, lurking thing was right there. Something important that I was supposed to be remembering – like an anniversary or an appointment you’ve been waiting a year for,  but try as I might, I couldn’t think of a responsibility or an item that I was supposed to do and hadn’t.  I chalked it up to generally being an anxious person who worries too much, and I went to sleep.

I didn’t feel better this morning.  If anything, I felt worse.  I went through all of my things again before I left for the airport but the little voice in the back of my mind screaming “You’re really screwing something up right now” just wouldn’t shut up. I drank coffee and surveyed my luggage – knowing it was true, and just hoped that the moment that I figured out what it was wouldn’t be too public, or something I couldn’t solve.  I got on the plane, and on the way to Vancouver I started to fall asleep, and as I did, I remembered that it was a friend’s birthday and I meant to bring them a present and for one second I thought that I had figured it out. I thought that I had forgotten her gift and that was it and then I remembered I had brought it, and the funk settled in again.    It would have been so awesome if that was it, I thought. I could have mailed her the present and this feeling would go away and it wouldn’t have happened in front of knitters and then… it hit me.

Present.  Monday is Samantha’s 20th birthday, and it is also Lou’s 2nd birthday, and while I’ve got Sam sorted, and I thought I had Lou sorted, it turns out that  I HAVE ONLY KNIT LOU’S BIRTHDAY SWEATER WITH MY MIND. AND I DIDN’T BRING THE YARN. AND IT IS WEDNESDAY AND I AM TEACHING A WHOLE LOT.

I can’t tell you if the feeling I have going on is relief that I finally figured it out, or panic that I didn’t do it and don’t have it.  Lucky for me, they sell yarn and needles at Madrona.  I got this.