1. In the span of less that 12 hours I have gone from somebody who had a little bit of a scratchy throat, to someone who has a cold that is actually going to be memorable. After this cold I am going to say things like “Remember that cold I had in the winter of ’04? That was a bad one.” This cold will have epic poems written about it, disgusting ballads, perhaps.
2. These guys.
How did they know I wasn’t feeling well? Is there some sort of hotline I can call? “Hello? Yes, this is Stephanie Pearl-McPhee. You mustn’t know this, because if you did I’m sure you wouldn’t have come today. I have a smashing headache and a cold that will be written about in the books that record such things. Now that you know this, I’m sure that you will GET YOUR *&^%$#!!! LOUD ROAD DIGGING THINGIE AWAY FROM THE FRONT OF MY HOUSE.”
The vibration the digger is making is rattling my teeth in my head. This normally would only be annoying, but since there is already so much wrong with my head, the urge to wander into the street and lay myself in front of the digger so that the end comes swiftly is just about overwhelming.
3. This is the back room.
That’s enough to piss anybody off isn’t it? The room has no walls, no floor and no ceiling. The room also has nobody who seems inclined to put these things back, but I’m sure that the contractor guy will return my calls soon…..
(Now would not be when it should be pointed out that *I* ripped the back of my house up.)
The back of the house being ripped up is becoming the focal point of my life. It’s all I can do or think about. I’m starting to say things like “Laundry? Have you SEEN the back of the house?” Substitute, “Dinner” “Shopping” “Bill Paying” or “Marital relations” and you have the sum total of my conversational ability. Well, that and “I need a tissue” and “get me tea”.
4. The walls, ceiling and floor from this room are in the backyard. I need to take them to the dump. I didn’t do this yesterday because I didn’t quite feel like myself. I thought I might be getting sick. I decided to put it off until today (get this, classic bonehead move) when I would be feeling better.
I hate myself.
5. I knit a pathetic 4 cm on the Rainbow Peerie socks last night (Who asked me about the yarn and pattern? It’s Lanett superwash merino in black and “stained glass”, the pattern is another Harlot back-of-an-envelope special).
I tried to knit more, but all I seemed to be capable of was holding the knitting. Substantial movement of the hands and fingers made my hair hurt. You know how it is.
6. I have cast on a new baby blanket 4 times. The first time I counted wrong. The second time I changed my mind about the pattern, the third time I decided that I wanted a provisional cast on instead, and the fourth time I got frustrated with the crochet hook, jammed it down the side of my couch and pretended it was lost. (Have you SEEN the back of my house?)
7. I left the lights on in the pick-up truck yesterday. I am thinking about claiming that I don’t know why it won’t start this morning, except that I’m the only one who has somewhere to go.
8. I was going to make Amanda this hat. I like this hat. I knit one for myself and I think that it looks great. Imagine my surprise in discovering that this is a “dork” hat. Imagine my further surprise when I discovered that it is nothing about the pattern that grants it the title of “dork hat”. the shape is good, she likes everything about it. The only thing standing between her and a love affair with this hat is (if you are a mother of a young girl…like, less than 11 years old, sit down and take a deep breath now. The following 15 year old bullcrap is to be expected. It will happen to you, and it will not be any less shocking or painful because I have warned you. The realization that you are a dork is a painful and inevitable force.) Amanda’s problem with the hat is, and I quote “I’m not wearing a hat you like”.
Suggestions for a hat I would *not* like are being accepted.
Non snarky answers to polite questions.
How did you do the baby poncho?
The baby poncho was knit out of 2 skeins of Bernat Miami (I wanted something that could be chewed). I cast on 52 stitches but used a 5.5mm needle so that it wouldn’t be so “holey” as the regular Harlot Poncho. The gauge worked out to about 16 sts/10cm and the length was about 26cm (measured along the increase/yo line).
How about Emma’s poncho?
Emma’s poncho was knit using a chunky wool, and following the Harlot pattern casting on 52 stitches (but using the regular 9mm needle. It was knit to a length of 50cm, measured down the YO line on the front or back.
Are you sick of poncho’s?
Yes. I believe I may be. (That took longer than expected, didn’t it?)
Bookbookbookbook ?
Soon. All will be revealed in the fullness of time. Hold your horses.
Yarn Harlot
So I get in first, but I cannot do my wave!! I will be patient. But I will not forget. So sorry you are sick — Breathe Easy herbal tea, that’s my advice. The single best head-clearer, feel-better tea in the world.
Beats using the digger.
Um.. I hate to say this… but maybe you should have turned your heat on sooner??? ::evil grin:::
Feel better soon 🙂
mia
Bookbookbookbook. I need to buy your book for Christmas presents for everyone I know. On three continents. Including non-knitters. Will it be for THIS Christmas? Or Christmas 2005?
And… harlots don’t say “marital relations”. Not even yarn harlots. Right? You’re not being infected with prudism (prudence? nah!) by proximity to the U.S. of J., right? (sigh. let’s not talk politics. You’ve got a back porch. I’ve got Bush as a president. What kind of “marital relations” is my country going to endure?)
I love you, you make me giggle when you’re sick! Seriously, though, I hope you are feeling better soon! I work in a high school office and there’s more hacking and sniffling and call-ins around here than in a long time! Have you SEEN the back of my house? hee hee hee
Bookbookbookbook
The only things I’m grateful for today are the various fibre wenches and their blogs I read daily, no head cold that I know of (it could be brewing) and Bailey’s Irish Cream (tonight, oh yes, it will be mine tonight, gallons of it).
I completely empathize. I vented in my blog today.
I’m going to blame sun flares and solar storms if I end up murdering today.
And for good measure:
Bookbookbookbook
suffering along with you down here in Texas, where the siffling/sneezing/coughing is referred to as “seasonal allergies”. don’t know what the offending allergen might be right now, but this always happens when the nighttime lows get down in the 40’s. I haven’t turned on my heat yet, though!
Feel better!
Feel better soon.
I hope you feel *much* better *very* soon!!
My 11yo wore my Ingeborg hat and matching lace scarf at the cold & rainy football game last week. Granted, she was cold and damp, but I feel *so* redeemed! Of course she is 11. When she’s 15, we’ll see if she’ll touch any of my stuff…
“Substantial movement of the hands and fingers made my hair hurt.” It’s frightening, really, but yes, I DO know what you mean by that!
I’m sorry that you are sick, but still to present this in a current funny form for us is just wonderful. Never fails to make me laugh out loud when I visit here! and, uhmmm, yes, I HAVE seen the back of your house 🙂 LOL
Just had to post a comment today – here I was thinking I was the only one who had a 15 year old tormenter! My son attempted to sneak out of the house today in a t-shirt that fit him in another lifetime but is now too small (unless, of course, you want a tank top in this humid 35 degree weather we have – then again, I am chunky and a mother and DO NOT have 6-pack abs I feel I need to show the world). I made him change the tank/t-shirt – in view of the fact that its short length allowed at least 25 1/2 inches of boxer shorts to hang out the top of scrunched down jeans. He snuck back in the house after I left for work and put the damn T-shirt on again. My mother just told me. I think I’ll kill him when I see him again – (strangulation with the flaming t-shirt).
Love the blog.. always a good laugh and nice to know it is possible to knit and raise children!
Hope you are feeling better… winter colds are a pisser … oh wait, it’s not winter yet : ) Your blog gives me great cheer, and hopefully you will soon take comfort from your readers’ cheery messages.
Right there with ya. Feelin’ pretty crummy, but The Boy is worse off than me. 14 mo’s and on a puffer. A PUFFER! Erg.
The 4cm’s is so disappointing for you, I know. Think “Black Hole Scarf”. It’ll never be done…!
I hope you feel better soon! Think Hot Toddys. Lots of ’em.
Hope the cold does not last long. Head colds are miserable. Whiskey and lots of it, should do the trick.
LOL at your daughter not wanting to wear a hat that her mother would like…been there, done that. My 18 year old daughter is starting to thaw slightly towards me, but I don’t think she would ever want to wear something I liked…except some of my earrings…can’t keep her out of my jewelry box, darn her.
Just wanted to pipe in that I made a hat with the Harlot recipe and love it, love it, love it. If I get a picture of it, I’ll send it to you so you can see how much your blog helps new knitters like me…
Sounds like you have what I had last weekend. I recommend lots of drugs, hard liquor if you like it, and lots of mindless TV (they lull you into health-inducing naps).
Feel better soon!
I hope your cold turns out to be only limerick-worthy.
Once upon a time, I said to my husband, “I’m just going to test a corner and see how easily that acoustic tile comes down.” A short while later, it was ALL down — the acoustic tile and the furring strips in our living area (two adjoining rooms). I could have lived with it for a while but for the fact that it was originally and lathe-and-plaster ceiling and what I left myself with was a perforated lathe-and-plaster ceiling with a floor above — a floor that people walked on a lot. Every time someone walked on it, the ceiling below became a flour (or in this case, plaster) sifter. It didn’t take long for the drywall brigade to kick into gear. I’m looking back and laughing now.
So, I think the solution to the 15 yr. old dilemma is to PRETEND to hate a hat. (I have a sneaking suspicion my mother used this technique on me…) Go through pattern books, and make disparaging comments at _perfectly good_ hats. Point out as “cute” ugly ones. Then let her at your patterns, and she should pick out a very nice hat. Grumble while you make it – how one of the ones you pointed out would have been nicer. Then, grudgingly give your approval when done – takes a bit of acting, but it should work out! I have faith in you 🙂 (have you SEEN the back of your house?)
Yarn Harlot wherever would we all be without you? Even with diggers and sniffles you post. My first project, a scarf complete with fringe, is complete. I love it. You inspired me to pick up my needles and knitknitknit. 20+ years (who’s counting) since I last puttered in the woolen gardens of my life. Thank you. Feel better.
Now that I have seen the adorable baby and child versions of your perfect poncho, may I add a tip for those of us who are larger than most?
I do additional increases half way between the back and front centre increases. This places my extra increases along the line of the shoulder. I do this for the width of my shoulders and then continue with just the centre increases.
This gives some extra width where I need it.
I have not yet lost my enthusiasm for your pattern. I just keep thinking of new versions. The latest is a very formal evening poncho.
Thank you for the pattern. Now how about some instructions for the Rhinebeck Cardi?
I am told that something called “Cold FX” works wonders for a cold.
The Goop
If part of your problem is sinus/congestion crud, my Aunt Mo has a goop that she makes that’s fantastic. It will clear you out and stop your headache, if that’s what’s wrong.
Take a shot glass, a lemon (lemon juice from a bottle will work, but not as well), and tabasco sauce. Get a slice of bread out, too. Mix the lemon juice and tabasco in the shot glass and down it. Try your hardest to get it to hit the back of your throat, and not taste it (it’s nasty.). Mo swears that there is an enzyme reaction between the two that clears you out, all I can say is that you head will lack all congestion for a good 20 min, no matter how bad your cold is. I’ve noticed if you take an antihystamine just before you take the Goop, you’ll be a lot better off long term.
Hope that this helps if you do have problems like that.
::hugs::
Bippy
FREEZER KNITTING????
I vote for Winter Relief tea from Yogi Tea Co. And B&T Cough and Bronchial Syrup (homeopathic) for when you have a cough. Never need much more than those two.
Awfully sorry you are under the weather, but I love that sock, it’s gorgeous but I have to admit ignorance – what is ” Harlot back-of-an-envelope special”? I hate to say it, but I love remodeling projects almost as much as knitting, though knitting is cheaper. Gosh, all that space and it has good solid walls and it’s basically a blank slate. How hard would it be to heat it, hmmm? I may go re-evaluate the potential of my crappy garage now…
Get well, it’s yarn season!
If you want to get rid of a cold, or cut a cold in half try out products by Zicam. I bought these swabs that have gel on them, you rub the gel from the swabs just on the inside of your nose every four hours (a new swab – otherwise, ick!) and it really keeps a cold from getting bad. It has cut down my post-nasal drip, my cough, etc.
Hope you are feeling better soon!
Heh. I seem to get “sick throat” this time of year. I hover on the brink of a cold/dehydration (never know which it is) for two months, and then fall on either side. Like my mom says, “force fluids”. (She’s a nurse).
Sorry you are sick, Harlot
Again the remedy the Gods is called for:
Whisky, Lemon and Tea….To be drunk liberally until one is feeling better, or at least not feeling anything:)
also you could possibly snort salt water and gargle with cider vinegar( two rememdies from my great grandfather which I have never been brave enough to try)
feel better
cheers
devin
I would think that a tumbler of Screech would go a long way to making you feel better (or feel nothing at all). Heck, take 2 & call me in the morning.
Feel better recipe:
step one – remove yarn from freezer.
step two – wrap yarn around your aching head.
step three -remove yarn from closet (any of them)
step four – wrap around your scratchy throat
step five – remove screech and chocolate from their respective stash places
step six – you know what to do!!!!
Poor Harlot.Feel better soon.
Whisky or Whiskey.Liberal amounts.It’s up to you if you want to contaminate it with honey and lemon !
Hope the nasty digger men go away. ;-]
My 16 yr old daughter would like you to know that
she likes the look of that hat. Would wear that hat and even likes the colors.
Hope you feel better soon
Here’s a link to a hat I don’t like:
http://www.cult45.fsbusiness.co.uk/featuresjackie.html
See what DD thinks of that as an alternative to the Silk Garden beanie.
So sorry you are sick – hope it passes soon. Love the socks and the hat. Here’s a hat you can pretend to hate – cute in either Kureyon or Silk Garden. I’ve made four. http://floryknits.com/fp-norohat.htm BTW, I’m 53, never did and still won’t wear anything my mother does (she’s 80.) Har Har
“Oh wait it’s not winter” – well I’ll tell you that Canada does have four seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter, and Construction. It’s definitely almost winter right now, with temperatures of about 4C and some vicious wind. And for a hat *you* won’t like, how about this one? It’s almost the same but since it’s *different* it might go over…http://www.knitcrochetpatterns.com/crazy_hat.html
So sorry you’re sick. I’ve been all about hats recently. I’m currently hosting a knitalong for a hat of my own design. I think it’s a love it or hate it hat. Pattern is here
http://www.poormissfinch.com/index.php?id=D20041101
it’s fun to knit, if nothing else. Also, there is going to be a cable hat pattern posted on this site soon.
http://princesspapayaknits.blogspot.com/
She has a blurry picture up now. I’m looking forward to this one. Good luck!
Hope you feel better soon. A simple, basic hat pattern can be found at http://www.knitting-and.com/knitting/patterns/hats/monmouth.htm and a totally ridiculous one can be found at http://www.theshed.co.uk/elviswig.html (threaten her with it and she’ll love the silk garden beanie!). Maybe if you offer the digger guys some Screech, they’ll go away. Show them the back of your house.
Oh, Harlot, I sympathize! I woke up yesterday morning feeling like the snot truck must have pulled up overnight and filled my head. Ugh. This morning I coughed my way through a meeting, much to everyone else’s delight. (Yes, I should have stayed home and, yes, I really hope I haven’t infected everyone there.) May we both be through this very soon!
And once again you’ve reminded me to send a card or something to my mother for having survived my teenage years without killing me! Alas, once I was Amanda too…
Poor Harlot.
Like others, I’d suggest a hot toddy, but my family makes it with a bit of a twist. Instead of honey and whiskey, use Drambuie. More bang for your buck.
Pray for me. My “students involved in the knitting circle” number just hit 139. On the plus side, it’ll have to max out at 775 or so…that’s the entire enrollment of the school. Right? Please?
Harlot, you give me hope, runny nose and all.
Thank you so very much for the information on the ponchos! I have some nieces that will love ’em…and a few babies due soon…too cute.
I wish I had your energy! Maybe you can bottle it all? Feel better fast…for yourself.
A few days behing on this…but all I can think about is your announcement of how soon Christmas is coming! Do THEY play tricks on us by taking a week or so away and making it come quicker? Mean. Mean calendars.
I could have answered the teen question before you blurted, er…said the answer. If you wanted her to wear the hat then you’ll have to make a big effort of publicly hating the hat. It may get embarrasing, but it must be done. For the hat’s sake. 🙂
Feel better. I hope you have Puffs Plus tissues in Canada!
Do you?
~nod~
The potentially handy thing about remodelling is that all the tools are out. Do you have a drill? Of course you have a drill. Now apply it to your nostrils and do a mini-jackhammer thing to loosen the cement in yout sinuses.
Works for me. Or at least I’ve often been tempted to try it when in the grip of a nasty cold. If you get desparate enough to try it and it actually does work, lemme know! 😉
Just you wait dear Harlot. 17 year old bullcrap is even better than 15 year old:( I will add that I also have an 18 year old who is at approaching 19 has not yet been through a truly unbearable stage. I also have a semi reasonable almost 13 year old and yes a 15 year old (those are all males) and an almost 8 year old daughter. I confess that even thinking about my daughter as a teenager makes me need to go and sit down and find some knitting to take my mind of the subject.
I thought you were going to say that the hat messes up her hair. Hope you feel better soon. It’s cold here in Halifax too. We have started putting plastic on the windows.
Horses are definitely being held until you get body, mind, soul and throat back in good working order. I am impressed that sardonic wit and humor are, so far, unaffected.
We could use your road digger up thingy in our town. I am trying to teleport it in this direction. I hope you aren’t in the “landing path” of it going south west.
Knit your own dorky hat. I am thinking of doing one with big cornocopia horns or tassels or something. My children are now “young professionals” and are impaired when it comes to humorous head gear. There was a time when they both denied I had any sense… and refused my suggestions, too. So they picked things out. There is no point in arguing with emergent egos.
I am wondering if there is a parallel situation with the current issue of Knit.1 If it is in there, I DON’T LIKE IT……
Geez……..I hope you feel better soon!! It’s no fun feeling that crappy :(. I love reading your blog, even when you are not feeling that great……you have a wonderful sense of humor!
Let your daughter I’m offended 😉 I knew I was past my “stylish years” but dorky takes it too far. 😉
And thanks for the advice. Luckily right now my almost-six-year-old daughter is not in that frame of mind yet. She’s wearing the Silk Garden Beanie I made her.
But I know it’s coming…the total rejection of my “style”. I’m already stocking the liquor cabinet.
Sure hope you feel better today or sooner.
I hope that you feel better soon, and that they finish tearing up your street soon.
I’m convinced I have to knit a pair of socks exactly like those now.
A number of hat patterns. This one will allow you to use those scraps of yarn you have been saving:
http://flor.trix.net/shetland.htm
More possibilities for those scraps:
http://www.ozyarn.com.au/alflaps_AL.pdf
Or a different Silk Garden pattern:
http://mimoknits.typepad.com/knitting/silk_garden_hat_and_cowl.htm
Maybe she would prefer her Silk Garden in spiral form:
http://www.cu-needleworks.com/Patterns/Silk_garden_spiral/silk_garden_spiral.html
Or spiral with those yarn scraps!
http://www.folknits.yukon.net/free-patterns_scrappy-hat.html
Or just circles:
http://frugalknit12330.goeserv.com/homepage/quakerhat.htm
Cover her ears! Put a llama on her head!
http://flor.trix.net/chullo.htm
Or a kitty:
http://kittyville.com/knit/kitty_hat.html
Another definitely NOT mom-cap:
http://flor.trix.net/amelia1.htm
The heat had nothing to do with it. Don’t let them intimidate you. The one who turns the heat on last, has more money to buy yarn. As well as a family that truely appreciated knitted gifts. As for the back room, the reason that the contracter has not called you back is so that you can come to your senses and realize that it is meant to be a yarn room. Floor to ceiling shelving, think of the insulative properties! Two laundry tubs, side by side, to make fleece washing easier. (Tell Mr Washie that the tubs are his harem.) Easy ability to freeze out m–hs. Think, woman, think! Have nifty clothes lines installed on the ceiling for skein drying! And, best of all, Mr. Washie- no, I’m not back here thinking of my next stash roll, I’m doing laundry! Now run off little children, and make Mom a nice cuppa!
Get well soon!
You and me, Baby. Our house is a construction zone too. Going on 6 months now. It is more than a homan can bear. So sorry!
Ooooh, I’ve come over all sympathetic. Have been there with the 15-year-old. Those socks are gorgeous, though. We could use your digger thing too, so shall combine forces with Dana to lift it off the ground. Digger goes to she who teleports with most gusto!
I agree with Devin. The whiskey & lemon remedy. If it doesn’t cure you, after a certain point you just won’t care.
Alas, I have had the same ick for going on three and a half weeks now. I feel better, if a little run down, but the damn cough isn’t going away. I hate it! But tea and rest is making huge improvements to my mood. Or it would if I could have any. Luckily, the second job is a cakewalk, even if it doesn’t pay very well.
I just wanted to say that I got caught up on your archives, and truly enjoy reading your blog. I enjoy the incredible sense of humor, and have to tell you that in some respects it’s excellent birth control. ;D The more I read about folks and their kids, the less convinced I will have some, someday. However, the girls are beautiful and I can tell how very proud you are of them. When they’re not fighting over hairclips or Sirdar scarves. *G*
Oh, and it’s your fault (well, OK, one other person’s) that I am casting my fisheye at spinning. I ordered a drop spindle through a local store and will be ordering some organically grown roving over the web. It’s a minimal investment to get started, but I hope, even if I suck at the drop spindle, that it will inspire me to get interested and get started on a wheel.
I do hope you feel better, and soon! Also? Bookbookbookbook?!
Hope you feel better soon! BTW, I LIKE the dork hat and would make myself one if I were a hat person. I am also mom of an 11 year old, so I kind of know what you mean about the bullcrap! It’s already starting here! 😉
1. hot chocolate with kisses melted in it and lots of kahlua (or godiva chocolate liqueur or amaretto or all three)
2. children outgrow that phase and reach maturity with surprising nostalgia and affection: for the stuff you did for them during their haughty (and contrary) years when you thought they weren’t paying attention- the hats and ponchos will become soft talismans of your comfort and love and genius
3. really! it’s true! and you can eat chocolate when you’re sick and it’s the weekend too
OK. I can show empathy on the street repairs.
But the construction? Heck, my house has been under construction … I mean renovation … for FIVE YEARS!!! Someday, it will be finished. I pray that I will live to see it. Or that my dear husband will survive long enough to complete it.
Hope you are feeling better soon!