Dear Everything

Posted on by

Dear Everything:

I believe that I have made my complete and total dedication to the schedule very clear. Please note that the schedule does not allow for unscheduled things… yeah verily, unscheduled things are the antithesis of the schedule.

Therefore, please consider this my formal request for the immediate cessation of all unscheduled entities. This includes, but is not limited to: dead batteries in the alarm clock leading to oversleeping (Me), doctor’s appointments for a sore toe (Sam), the necessity of 24 cupcakes to be produced by daybreak for the music council bake sale (Megan), editorial crisis (my editor), tax forms that are somewhere in the house but must be produced by 5:00 even though I am not the person who is in charge of tax forms (Joe), and indiscreet puddles of barf on carpet (mercifully – the Cat, although I would be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge that one could have been much, much worse had it been produced by anyone else.)

Thank you,

Stephanie

(officially behind schedule)

134 thoughts on “Dear Everything”

  1. How can the universe refuse to respect the knitting schedule? Doesn’t it know how many Christmas presents must be produced in December??

  2. Our cat has irritable bowel disease. His vomit is now accounted for in our schedule, though it’s no less gross for being expected.
    Good luck getting back on track! (At least you had good waiting room knitting time at the dr? Right?)

  4. Hi. I just wanted to be the first to post today…and to tell Stephanie that I am a great fan and very interested in all you do. Good luck with the schedule…..just know, late or not…you are very much appreciated.

  6. Yeah, verily, a well distributed list of woes.
    Happiness that all the above did not befall you personally, dear Harlot?

  7. Come on honey, you can do it!!!! You know that you’ll catch up. Give Sam some ice, tell Meg how to make her own cupcakes and lend her your kitchen if need be, tell Joe to find the tax forms, tell them all you love them but really really need to get back on track, put your editor on speaker phone, grab a glass of wine and KNIT!
    Just kidding hun. Life sucks when it interfears.
    Much love and good luck!

  9. schedules suck… but unscheduled stuff sucks worse. good luck… i have given up on two hats for Christmas already and now only hope to finish the sock i am currently almost done with.
    hugs
    rita n/

  10. Schedules are like budgets. They always work great on paper but have nothing whatever to do with reality.
    Knit on.

  13. Ah, the familiar indiscreet puddles. Times it by 3 felines and you have my usual schedule. *sigh*
    Good luck in jumping back on the schedule wagon!

  14. Oh noooes! You can do it! Rah rah rah! (and if all else fails take a page from my book ‘o Christmas ’08 and buy some wool sweaters at Value Village and felt yourself some gifts).

  15. Lene, quick! Get these unscheduled tasks in line! Also, this is why I love to do my taxes online. Just yesterday I realized I still hadn’t sent a Very Important Paper…so I just typed in the password and printed it out! I couldn’t recommend this highly enough.

  17. If you are familiar with the cartoon character Maxine, you will enjoy her “calendar” for December 10th. “The best thing about this time of year is watching people who make homemade Christmas gifts start to really panic”.
    I just started knitting my last Christmas gift, but my list was significantly shorter than yours…and I started in October. 🙂

  23. I know you can finish. I have had neck and shoulder pain (very bad)for 2 months now. Doc asked on Monday how much I knit…I told her I knit in my first appointment. She gasped when I told her that I knit from 1-6 hours a day including my 8-9 hour computer job. She said I had to stop for a while, but that I could finish my Christmas knitting. I was knitting a Chirstmas stocking for my new baby nephew. She told me not to knit it all at once, but I did anyway. The sooner I stop knitting the faster I can get back at it. Today I found out after a battery of uncomfortable tests that basically, I have been knitting too much. You can do it…by the way just finished your latest book today…since I can’t knit and loved it! My new goal is to read everything I can about knitting while I can’t knit. I also ignore cat puke…

  26. Last time I checked locking yourself in the bathroom with the schedule, the knitting, and enough food and blankets to get you to Christmas eve was a perfectly acceptable solution.
    (Granted it’s been awhile since I’ve checked, and you and I may have different defintions of “acceptable.”)
    I also advocate bringing along a loud stereo system so you can drown out the sound of people knocking and shouting “Will you come out of the bathroom? Please….we love you.” through the keyhole.

  27. I am actually worse with a schedule, so everything I do is unscheduled. Pray for me though, I’m casting on dad’s christmas socks tonight (after a quick trip back to LYS for the right needles). I did finish the Teacher gift, and only 2 more rows left on kiddo’s hat! Luckily, we drew names this year, so mom’s hat/scarf combo doesn’t have an immediate deadline. I suppose I should finish her last year’s christmas re-do and mother’s day re-do first. Thank goodness I can knit at work!

  29. I too ran into an indiscreet puddle of cat barf today. It threw off my whole afternoon! Hope you are able to stay on schedule henceforth!

  31. But still so many days left until Christmas! And you’ll be both well rested and off the cupcake-making-on-demand hook for all of the rest of those *gasp* 14 days. Okay, really 13, because today is nearly shot and who counts Christmas as knitting time? Well, besides you and me I mean? Deep breath, glass of wine, and knit like the wind!

  32. As someone whose child has been vomiting indiscriminately about the house for the past week I say luckily it was just the cat… and grr to the universe for not respecting knitting time plus final exam week.

  33. You know what else doesn’t help? Knitty coming out with the winter issue. Why NOW? I can’t use any more good ideas thrown into the mix NOW. Though I guess it’s better than cat vomit, right?
    Hm…. that doesn’t sound right, does it? But hopefully you know what I mean.

  35. Ok, now you must redouble your efforts and get back on track. Perhaps Lene can redo the schedule? Oh yeah, I also think that The Schedule has taken on a life of it’s own and should therefore be capitalized as it is a proper noun.
    Good luck!

  36. Between work and taking the 4 year old to preschool and potty training the 2 year old there just isnt enough time in the day to get my Christmas projects knit.Iam thinking this weekend I will run away to Starbucks to sit and catch up with a cup of their Christmas blend;)Hugs Darcy

  38. I had a feeling something like this was going to happen. I hoped it wouldn’t, but that’s the universe for you.
    You can do it! I know how insa… er, dedicated you are. 😀

  39. Ya well. The baby grandsnake is home for the holidays too and he just shed and now he needs something called ‘fuzzies’ to eat. Don’t ask. I hear I find them at the mall. The owner is visiting her big sister in Toronto. Wanna grab her for me and send her home to help. And fiscal year end. And special birthday. And some knitting and nevermind . . .

  40. This is sort of like that “The Secret” business. I’ve sent my own demands out to the universe. One of these requests was to send a very nice hot guy with a dog (she loves dogs) and next day a co-worker who kind of liked her was showing her pictures and there was one of him eating a large hot dog!! It sounds like your powers are about as good as mine!

  42. Those unexpected delays to knitting always seem to arrive in clumps as the deadline draws closer. We’ve had a relief valve on our furnace leak, a toilet need a ‘make-over’ and our pool cover spring a leak. As my water-themed problems add up, (please let don’t let me catch one of those especially leaky-nose colds) I, too, have fallen behind on my modest holiday knitting. Good luck to us all.

  43. I had the barf setback this week, too. Small child after a birthday party, not cat. Not a good setback.

  44. Aaah, the schedule. I’m currently “on schedule” owing to the indignity of a brother who has a birthday 10 days BEFORE Christmas. Pair 1 of 3 socks complete by 6:30p tonight.
    Now, how quickly can I do an argyle vest?

  45. I think with all the loving support from the online peanut gallery, you cannot fail! Knit on and remember that the magic of Lene’s Schedule remains to be seen. Calendar check 12.11.08. That leaves plenty of time for a Christmas miracle!
    Stitch by stitch…

  46. I recall asking, while on my hands and knees in a power suit mopping up sheepdog barf, “don’t you know I don’t have time for this?”
    With a look that said “you better make time” she proceeded to barf a second, and then a third time for good measure, leaving me with the decision to arrive at my appointment fairly on-time but bedraggled and unpleasantly aromatic, or be late but clean. I chose late but clean; in your case, you may need to arrive at your hard and fast Christmas knitting deadline frazzled and possibly stinky. But arrive you will!

  48. Maybe next year put the unscheduled time into the Schedule. Then of course you’ll fall dreadfully ill, or the sheep will undergo a wool blight, or you’ll injure your hands and can’t knit … that would be bad.

  49. Oh no! I guess that has to be worked into the schedule as well, unexpected occurrences (Murphy’s Law and all that) I guess you can knit just about anywhere, but the cupcakes sort of limit you, and searching for forms…can’t knit and do that at the same time. Hm. And the barf. That would be the end of me!

  51. This is why Lene needs to be in charge of Everything.
    PS If you let the cat barf dry it often stains, plus it’s an acid, with which many surfaces don’t play well. I bet you already know that.

  53. Me too. My aged mother shat all over herself, her bathroom, her bed, her floor, her rugs, her garments…. Oy vey is the only appropriate response.

  55. I felt really bad for you… but then I watched the YouTube video of you knitting Irish Cottage-style, and know I must admit I don’t feel so bad for you.
    You’ll catch up.
    😉

  57. Ah…a deep sigh of relief…everything’s back to normal…thanks for the report!
    And Steph…the older you get, the more you realize it will all work out…one way or another…

  60. I do love to check out your blog, you yarn harlot, you, mostly because you make me laugh. I love your Canadian politics opinions, especially the one about Stephen Harper before the election. A girl after my own…freaking out heart.
    Keep making us all laugh, please.
    My daughter (Shades of Bliss) saw you in Victoria a while back, in person, doing a speech and knitting, knitting, knitting, and she put me on to your site. I have been a long time responding to your many posts. (Just lazy, I guess.) Thanks for writing a funny yet provocative blog.

  61. oops. . .
    Shouldn’t the schedule incorporate the unexpected? Shame on Lene. This is really all her fault.

  62. Dearest Harlot – can you really be surprised?
    In other news, I just pre-ordered your 2010 calender! Along with a book of baby and toddler sock patterns that I hope will get here in time for me to knit some for the babies’ Christmas stockings…they’re small, I should be able to knock out several pair without even trying. Heh. I think your delusion, I mean optimism, is contagious!

  64. Take a page from my book: I have a schedule too, but it’s more like: Get the tree up before christmas. Thats pretty much it. But at this point there is a very good chance I might miss that deadline due to things much like you mentioned above, except for the cat puke. so far the cat is the ONLY person(thing?) behaving around here.

  65. Next year, I’ll give your whole family as well as your business associates a stern talking-to so they respect the sanctity of the schedule.
    Or I know! I’ll schedule simply EVERYONE!
    (sorry… got carried away)

  66. All with delegation.
    “I’m not in, call again” necklace out of paper and scrap yarn hung around the neck seem to help me.
    “Mom’s gone; Crazy is in” helps as well

  67. Megan should bake her own cupcakes, or go to the pastry shop/supermarket and buy them. My daughter knows not to wait till the last minute to ask me to produce anything!

  69. Why am I not surprised? The Universe saw you taunting it yesterday with your declaration of being on schedule, and felt immediately compelled to rectify the situation. Here’s hoping your lightning-fast knitting can get you caught up soon!

  70. No day is complete at our home until after cleaning up bodily fluids from at least two orify from the creatures and people I live with. It’s a kitty rule that one must dash to the nearest carpeted location at the first stomach heave.

  72. I was wondering how long it would take to get behind on the schedule. But even I thought you’d be on track for more than one day!

  76. Whoosh! That didn’t take long. One minute, zipping along on schedule and the next, oh-so-not. By the way, I used to work with a gentleman from Canada and he pronounced schedule, “shed-you-ell.” Is this a typical Canadian thing or this person’s own thing? Just curious, because he managed to work the word “schedule” into many a conversation so I heard it often.
    Oh! I’ve asked three different Canadians I work with for their opinions on what’s going on with their government (because, thanks to you, I find it pretty darn fascinating) and they had no idea of what I was talking about. I have directed them to your blog.

  78. Affirmed. Knitting through the Romulan Death Flu of three other people — doable. One’s own…well, no. Busy planning the funeral. Nor the next day. The ceiling required close monitoring.

  79. I’ve always subscribed to the “Fall behind early. It gives you more time to catch up” theory of the universe.
    I have faith that it’ll work!
    Terry

  80. *groan* That’s what you get for thumbing your nose at The Universe. Hopefully this minor correction is all you’ll get.
    Mary K in Rockport at 5:37 PM, in our family in an “event” like that, one is said to be “beshist.” I don’t envy you.

  83. At least the cat didn’t barf on the knitting! See if any tinsel is missing on the tree, or if it has suspicious bald spots. When our cats barf at Christmas, tinsel-eating and tree-nibbling are usually the culprits. That and eating the ribbon off the packages. We don’t use ribbon anymore.

  84. Sounds like home to me! That’s why you should have a dog AND a cat. The dog LOVES to eat cat barf! No clean-up. Gross!

  85. Okay, you know that’s funny. Still, I’m wishing I could come over and take care of the stuff in the way so you can just go knit.

  87. On the other hand….cat barf is better than dog pee (cold dog pee, don’t ask)…..
    This is probably a test set up by the knitting fates to see if you really mean it, about the schedule & all. A test of your knitting huevos/determination.
    I think the previous poster that suggested Meg make her own cupcakes, etc was actually on to something…
    The suggestion to hang a “Mom’s out” sign around your neck is a good one too.
    (((Hugs)))

  88. Does all the list have to be knit by you? Could you enlist the help of your children? Passersby? Knitting friends? Send me yarn, I’ll help. It must be a small project because I’m reaaaally slow.

  89. Dear Stephanie,
    Please find enclosed a receipt for a crisis in exchange for every taunt, plus GTT and PTT (General Taunting Tax and Provincial Taunting Tax).
    Regards,
    The Universe

  91. At least the the cat barf was indiscreet (and thus I imagine, highly visible). Much better than the discreet variety that you don’t notice until after it’s too late. Ask me how I know.

  93. No, I can’t hear the schedule has flaws. I made an elaborate one for myself last night in an attempt to get control of things. I need to believe that just getting it all down on paper (and in a spreadsheet) will make things work out.

  98. Well, okay! That’s more like real life. As I read your post about following the list….frankly I wondered how you made it through even one day being able to do what you had planned. That doesn’t happen here and to have an entire holiday season scheduled? Tempting the fates Dear!!!!! Good news with you is that you are a speedy knitter and will be back on track soon. Knit on!

  99. After reading today’s post, I’ve decided that my next cat will be named Mercifully. It’s only right.

  100. I think the answer is to promise a knitted gift to the Universe, and mention that it will be completed after the holiday knitting. I’m not sure what sort of woolly treat the Universe might need, but you’d think there’d be some incentive there to bugger off.

  101. LeslieKK at 6:59 – “shed-you-ell” is standard
    Ukanian-Canuckian pronunciation for schedule.
    My family gave up on the gift thing (except for
    kids) years ago. so really, I have no schedule,
    regardless of pronunciation. I do, however, have
    an awful lot of things I wish I’d done earlier.

  103. LOL! Tom Allen on CBC Radio 2 Morning has been surveying on the CBC2 blog: “What would you prorogue?” Sounds like you have the perfect thing: “Non-essentials”. You have an Agenda, and you want (and *need*) to stick to it. You GO, Girl!
    M in M

  104. Well, at least you got some extra sleep so you would be quite so deprived for the sprint at the end.
    Melissa

  106. apparently today was a coordinated “I will make you late” day from the world’s cats, for mine, too, left me a present in the wee hours of the morning as I was trying to wake up enough to pour the coffee in the mug and not on the floor.
    stå på, o yarn harlot, stå på.
    (literally ‘stand on’ but really more stand firm/you can do it/etc)

  107. I used cat barf as incentive for the kids to make their beds: If you make the bed the cat won’t be able to ralf on your sheets. The liquid kind comes up when you drop a towl on it and then apply a foot to the towl. The chunky kind responds well to a broom and dustpan. Children are worse than cats as if you didn’t know. They aim for your lap and/or the knitting.

  109. I feel your pain! Every single time I stupidly say that I just need a day to chill out and work on my own projects (or something similar. I could also say something along the lines of “I just really need a day or two to chill out and get control of my life,” and I’ll be in the same boat!) and Whammo! I get inundated with crap! This year I was progressing nicely in the production of woolly presents. Well actually this was the best I’ve ever done in the knitted Christmas present department! Ahhhh, I really did have a moment to enjoy it! (And I do mean just a moment!) The goal was more than realistic, even my husband thought I had a chance, and then I got an early Christmas present. I got a 9 1/2 week old puppy for Christmas! There goes the knitting schedule LOL! There are vet appointments, the letting out of the puppy, the cleaning of the messes, etc, etc, etc. Sigh! The puppy is so worth it because he’s so cute and lovable, but I was really looking forward to actually accomplishing what I set out to do. Personally, even with absolutely no interruptions, if I wanted to knit as much as you do for Christmas I would have to start a whole year ahead of time. I think I might do that this year LOL! Knit assorted small projects that I want to try, and then put them away for Christmas. Maybe then I would have a chance. Maybe! Good luck on your mission!!!

  110. Yep, those cats are definitely in league! Mine was sick on my duvet in the middle of last night. Fortunately my husband was away so I just moved over to sleep on his side and dealt with it this morning!

  111. Did you know the word “barf” means “snow” in Persian?
    Living in Canada you probably get puddles of that all winter.

  112. Hey, LauriefromMI /\… LOVE that!
    Cat regurg has its own schedule. One of my four furries gave me a “present” about two a.m. on my birthday last week, right at the top of the steps in front of my bedroom door. Luckily, the preliminary hacking was loud enough and prolonged enough to partially wake me and when I neeed to leave the room later, I remembered it was there. NOT the way to start your birthday!
    Everyone: “Harlot, Harlot, she’s our woman! Go, Steph, go!” You are the mistress of your schedule. And isn’t December forty days long this year?

  113. You need a herd of Christmas Elves, your own personal Christmas Elves, to go around protecting you from unscheduled everythings. If I were Santa Claus, that is what I would give you for Christmas this year.
    Hope things smooth out for you!
    Warm wishes,
    firefly

  114. I have a little dog who barks to go out at 5:00 EVERY morning, 7 days a week. Her batteries never go dead unfortunately. Maybe you should get one of those.

  115. Dear Everything – I don’t know how you do it. You seem to be in two places at once! I believe you have been getting in the way of my life as well. Please seek to do your business someplace else, like, NOT on the eastern side of the U.S./Canada.
    Most Sincerely,
    Allison

  116. Stephanie,
    So sorry to hear “things” not on the schedule are getting in your way. (I also had to clean up cat barf yesterday… maybe it’s a cat conspiracy…) But your plight got me thinking. Perhaps the schedule itself is a challenge to the gods? Perhaps the hubris of setting that schedule, and the resulting illusion it gives that one can control the universe, is just too much to resist? And you know how they love a smackdown in the face of hubris.
    Hope you are back on track soon, and/or that you come to peace with not being there.
    Cheers,
    Karen P. in Ohio

  117. A friend of mine has a cat that also used to vomit often. They changed her dry cat food to one that doesn’t contain wheat. She doesn’t vomit any more, except furballs, of course. Apparently alot of cats are allergic to wheat. Worth a try. The food is a little more expensive, but you save money by not having to buy cleaning supplies to mop up the barf.

  118. Amen! Add to above: an inopportune ice and wind storm coating house, car and porch with ice, making the dogs not want to go out on schedule (and one is in fact sick), the power threatening to go out (necessitating a headlamp), school delays (or, God forbid, cancellation), school concert postponement (meaning the time I took away from knitting to bake cookies for post concert open house at school was wasted). In the end, thank goodness for knitting to get through the stress of deadline knitting!

  119. I’m a new knitter and stumbled across your blog from another blog – As The Spirit Moves Me. I’m inspired by your lovely projects! I hope to check back often.
    Oh, and while I totally appreciate schedules (after all, I am a parent and kids + schedules = happiness) I hope you give yourself a break and a glass of wine. It’s the holidays! Enjoy!

  121. “I love deadlines. I love the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.” — Douglas Adams

  122. with so many knitters on your side, eventually the universe will cave. maybe.
    (sigh) back to knitting.

  123. I had a SCHEDULE. I started making Christmas presents in JULY. I was going to be done on DECEMBER 1.
    Somehow I stopped following my schedule and I have two scarves, a baby blanket (thankfully a quick fabric sewing one), half a sweater, and half of a felted miniature knit piano to go.
    I think it’s because I took August, September, and most of October off (against the advise of my schedule) to knit other things. Yesterday my husband reminded me that if you are mailing your gifts your deadline is NOT christmas. It’s about a week earlier. Once the rage calmed down, I got out my needles and got to work…

  124. I’ve just realized that I have a toddler sweater, a sweater for a 7 year old, and a vest for my dad (who’s a little round) to knit before Christmas. Preferablly before the weekend before so I can drop off the gifts at my parents house and not have to actually ATTEND Christmas. Yes, I am in a lot of trouble. Luckily, I have 5 days off this next week. I have faith that I can get it done, thought it may be in vain….

  126. I was just thinking about your deadline issue and realized that cupcakes, tax papers and cat puke notwithstanding, perhaps the potential failure of the list is not your fault.
    Maybe you could hire someone (for free) to make half the list. Maybe Lene put too many things on the list in the first place. Maybe the ‘weeding out’ process was faulty. Or maybe … just maybe… the knitting fates did not appreciate you pretending to have this Christmas thing licked. Ohhhhhh … what ….?

  128. There is a saying, “If you want to hear God laugh, make plans.” or in this case, a schedule.

  129. I am trying really hard not to say “we told you so…”. (But that’s not really working).
    However, you know that like most projects you usually catch up in the end even if you have to trim the scope a little. Good luck! We are looking forward to the photos on all your finished items.

  130. Oh, I forgot to mention. Megan is old enough to bake her own cakes and unless parental consent is required for treatment Sam can take herself to the doctors. Believe me, they will not disolve into a puddle of helplessness if you don’t do it for them.

  131. Just 13days till HO HO comes and you will do it . MInd you , the homemade cookies etc. etc. may go by the way side but the knitting will be done . You can do it .

  133. The ONLY way to lick IT – start planning the xmas knitting in July, shop for it during the summer and have the knitting underway by….Labor Day.
    OH, and ADD NOTHING NEW TO THE LIST once the knitting has commenced, unless you finish by Thanksgiving.
    Good Luck IT knitters.

Comments are closed.