1. Tuesdays are really for spinning. I thought about weaving too, but I didn’t.
2. The February Socks aren’t finished.
3. I was really super anxious about that, and busted a move trying to finish, but it turns out that red-eye flights destroy whatever day follows them. Saturday wasn’t even like an actual day, more like a period of gentle weeping and cracker eating.
4. It turns out that nothing really bad happens if you don’t finish your socks on time, and that the deadline may have been actually just important to me.
5. I was trying really hard to finish the socks on Sunday, but me, my mum, Amanda and my sister had a tiny Oscar party.
6. My mother refuses to believe Keanu Reeves is alive.
7. She believes he collapsed and died outside of a club years ago.
8. We have told her that was River Phoenix, but she doesn’t believe us. There is absolutely no amount of evidence you can give her that will dissuade her from this belief.
9. We have tried.
10. I can’t tell you how much this summarizes what it’s like to watch the Oscars with her. Well. That and the fact she and my sister wanted to bet my couch on whether or not Steven Spielberg is Canadian (he’s not) and that she kept referring to "Tuscan Lumberjack".
11. Turns out that’s Justin Timberlake.
12. Sock Club is open to the general population. You can find info about it here. It’s always awesome, and wacky(You can see posts about it here, here, here and here.) – but this year there’s me, Tina, and the wonderful JC Briar, the incredible Anne Hanson and ANNA ZILBOORG
13. Sorry. I kind of have a thing for Anna. She’s an icon and a wicked role model. Love her. Just the thought of eating breakfast with her makes me a little woozy. Not that I’m not all over JC and Anne. They’re made of awesome.
14. My feelings about Anna are better since I actually met her. Now I can speak in her presence. Mostly.
15. Something else about my Mum. In addition to her conviction that Keanu Reeves has shuffled off his mortal coil, my mother also doesn’t believe in "best before" dates on food.
16. Once she ate a really old yogourt and didn’t even get a little sick, and it reinforced her theory that the dates were open to interpretation. I’d mock her, but if there wasn’t something to her premise she’d be dead by now.
17. Like Keanu Reeves.
I totally think Tuscan Lumberjack should roll with his new name. It’s catchy.
I agree with your mum about the dates on food, not fresh milk though. That one I’m a stickler about!
You mean Sock Camp, right? not Sock Club? I totally wish I could go, but I already go to Event Camp, which is like sock camp except that the socks are replaced with horses, and the rule in my family seems to be you get one camp per year. And I really, really, really love event camp.
You mean that when we set deadlines and make ourselves crazy trying to meet them and don’t, its okay? Wow . . . I can hardly wait to explain that one to my husband (and kids . . . well, maybe not the kids . . . since they always think that deadlines are the work of the devil and most of their teachers).
Sorry about the sock, but you’ll have two pairs done by the end of March, so it’ll be fine and you’ll be all caught up and stuff. And they’ll look great and not like you knit them on the redeye, which is even better.
OK, I clicked to read about the camp even though I’m not going to the camp (see previous post regarding event camp, which features KAREN O’CONNOR, who is my Anna Zilboorg), and I am totally undone by the last words: Click Me. As in Drink Me, of course. Please tell Tina that I love her, and also tell her that when the hanky craziness dies down (I was part of it, so can’t complain) I am going to be back to imploring her to dye me special yarn for Karen’s Last Olympic Socks. Tell her Karen is like Anna, or even Barbara Walker, and she’ll get it. You’d want really special yarn for Barbara Walker’s last Olympic socks, wouldn’t you?
I am with your mum on the expiration date thing. I think those dates are there as a kind of guideline, but one’s due consideration should also be used. Stuff isn’t automatically bad once the date passes, and sometimes things go bad before the date!
Now, about the Keanu Reeves thing, I just don’t know 🙂
Could you kinnear Keanu? Get him to hold a sock? Would she believe it then?
I totally believe that since February only has 28 days its perfectly reasonable to add couple of days onto it from March. Really, the fact that February has 28 and not some other month seems a bit random.
If you average the days of (short) February and (long) March, you still have 1-1/2 days to finish the February socks.
LOL at “Tuscan Lumberjack”!
The Tuscan Lumberjack comment reminds me of another actor who was dubbed a new name. A famous actor was on the set of a TV show in-between shooting. He was talking about a famous film actor by the name of Jack Hughman. No one could picture this person. Then he mentioned the films that featured Mr. Hughman. Someone finally guessed that he was actually talking about Hugh Jackman, not a mythical Jack Hughman. This is hilarious!
OMG! Loved “Tuscan Lumberjack”. That is so awesome. Thanks for the laugh.
I think I love your mother. Maybe you can convince your mom that Keanu is still in a phone booth somewhere….listening to a Tuscan Lumberjack CD.
BTW..has your mother ever seen Tuscan Lumberjack’s video from Saturday Night Live..you know the one having to do with a very special gift? I’d love to know what she thought of that.
Your post just made my day. Just like with really clever books and movies, you wove all the strands in neatly at the end, with your mum and her old yogurt and poor old Keanu Reeves. Thanks for the laugh!
In my world, you have until March 3 to finish those socks because February ends too soon.
Your mother’s ‘Tuscan Lumberjack’ has made me laugh over the last few days. And I am with her on the expiration dates, though I tend to be a but more careful with dairy products, though milk dates are laughable – our family goes through so much milk there is no way it would get near the expiration date (anyway since I was a girl they have done lengthening times to the milk and it now lasts so much longer than 4 – 5 decades ago). Not so our older daughter who’s life is black and white, she wouldn’t touch expired food with a bargepole.
I think the real question is does your mother think River Phoenix is still alive?
Your mother (and, you, too, if you want) must come to our Oscar party next year. She’d fit right in! Love ‘Tuscan Lumberjack,’
Re: Sock timing… February is short a couple of days, March has more than it needs, so … really, you’re probably right on time!
Tuscan Lumberjack – Priceless
I love it when you talk random to me.
You are so funny.
I’m holding out for Sock Summit. And there is a wedding (not mine) during sock summit that I said I’d go to. It’s not a knitter, or she’d probably understand.
And I’m totally with your mom on dates. Except milk. Because bad milk is really, really bad.
You just gotta love your mum! And, I agree with everyone else-take a few days in March to even out February.
At least your mom knows that someone died outside a club that time. I was talking to a younger friend who was raving about how cool Joaquin Phoenix had been and how he was now crazy (this was during the whole “rap carrer” stunt) and I said, “Well I’m sure his brother’s death took a toll.” and they were like “Who’s his brother?”
*face palm*
Oh lord! Best post EVER. Gonna have to go back and reread this one whenever I need a good laugh. Thank you!!
Don’t knock yourself out about the socks … February’s a short month and those are biggish socks. We never see an expiry date at our house. Middle daughter (a paramedic student)tosses out anything even close to a best before date!
I just read this post to my husband. We are outside drinking coffee. Scratch that. We are outside wearing coffee. Thanks!
I totally agree that February ends too soon.
I was in a workshop with Anna hosted by the Hillsborough Yarn here in NC. She was amazing. You could watch her designing these complex patterns and calculations in her head and it was inspiring. I wish I could just sit with her for hours and learn all she knows. It was a fantastic experience.
I have had trouble speaking in your presence (at least coherently, like an adult) so I totally relate. 🙂
Let you mom know that I found out the other day that ranch dressing really does go bad 2 years after the best by date. I didn’t get sick though. . . so maybe not
My mother was raised during the depression in a family of 15. They only had an ice box. Once when I was around 12 I went to make a bologna sandwich, I threw it in the garbage after I noticed a nice hue of shinny green all around the edge. My mother was annoyed that I was wasting food and said “Jesus Jennifer, I was married before I knew bologna was any other colour than green” YIKES and my mom lived to be 72 and died of brain tumors unrelated to food. Who knew.
How about a Finish a UFO per month club?! Starting w/the Wild Apples! That would be fun!
Your description of the day after a red-eye flight cannot be improved upon.
Snort.
Maybe your mom should *host* the Oscars.
Well, I have to agree with your mother to a point. The best by date actually means that – it doesn’t mean it will be unsafe after then just not too fresh & might not taste as good. In the states a lot of dairy products have a sell by date which means that they expect it will be good & safe to eat for at least a week afterward – something I think everybody knows. Most things have enough preservatives in them that they are good for at least awhile after the best by date. What is scary is how some things never spoil. I put a loaf of bread in the bread drawer (which I cannot get my partner to use) & forgot about it. A year later I came across it & it looked & felt the same as it had when I put it in there. That is just wrong. We have a local dairy whoe milk actually sours within a few days of the use by date which made me realize that that never happens with most commercial milk. I try to get that milk whenever I can now.
I’m w/ your mum on the expiration date thing. When I see and smell the curdled milk, that’s when it’s gone. Ever put 1/2 & 1/2 in a wonderful hot cup of coffee only to find out it’s past its expiration date and curdled? Not so lovely.
Food, as so many other things, including relatives, is relative. Yogurt is already milk gone bad — until it grows a fur coat, not much else can happen to it. (Was it George Carlin who asked why sour cream has an expiration date?) On the other hand, a friend once told me earnestly “You know, you really shouldn’t eat shrimp that was “Marked for Quick Sale.”
Well, it was the February sock and February didn’t even give you that extra day this year.
My mother always called my cat McKenzie, even though she knew perfectly well that he was named after the explorer, Magellan.
I know what you mean about Anna. Luckily I’ve never had breakfast with you. So you don’t really know that I’d end up with scrambled eggs all over me trying to impress you because I think you are a “wicked role model”. I’m not sure that you are an icon. That image of you all gold in a Romanesque church… I don’t see that.
From now on he is Tuscan Lumberjack to me. Best. Name. Ever.
Anna Zilboorg is a force of nature. I took a class from her once and she had EVEN ME believing that I could knit. My mother used to Tuscan Lumberjack everything, too. Now, I regret to say, that I am doing it.
I think it’s great that Mum knows Tuscan Lumberjack.
Oh, I forgot to say that my neighbor once bought a dozen boxes of Kraft Mac n’ Cheese at a garage sale. It did not faze him that they were two years old at the time. He is still eating them. And is still alive. I saw him working on the roof the other day.
kinda glad you didn’t finish your sock-makes me feel a little better about not finishing my February Goals, either. There’s always March, and this is fun, not a job!
kinda jealous you get to do things with your mum-mine’s gone and I miss her!
(really not jealous, really happy for you!!)
LOL!!! I love your mum, she had me cracking up. Her refusal to believe that Keanu Reaves is alive and Tuscan Lumberjack, love it, love it.
As for best before dates, I tend to use them as aguide. If it looks and smells fine, then it’s probably OK to eat. Mind you, a couple of times I’ve had to lob something once I took a mouthful.
I have a friend who was just telling me about her Grandmother who is the same way with her food (thawing and re-freezing meat, ignoring expiration dates) and keeps making family members ill, almost killing the family dog, etc. She never gets sick and is 96.
My poor friend examines all her food before she eats it because she has gotten so ill before and is paranoid.
We should study your Mom and her Grandma. Probably super heros or something.
P.S. I’m trying to lure this friend to knitting. She is pregnant, watches me knit really closely and I waved a Baby Tulip in her face the other day. She doesn’t stand a chance!
I’m with your mom on expiry dates. Besides, I make a lot of homemade foods now that the only way to determine their expiry date is whether new life forms are growing in them or the smell is so whifferific that you can’t get near it with a 3 meter pole without passing out. Case-in-point: Limburger cheese.
Gotta love your mom! Tuscan Lumberjack is one cool handle!
I agree with your mum – best before and sell by dates are open to interpretation… nothing goes off just because of at date added by the producer. Too many people think so – and thus too much food is wasted. Take a look, smell – evt. taste.. and then you will know.
I’ll never think of him as anything other than Tuscan Lumberjack again. Thank your Mom for me.
My mum thinks every white guy is Matt Damon. How I wish that were true.
Actually, the best by date for yogurt is somewhat arbitrary. Really old yogurt just means there are more of the good beasties in there than newer yogurts.
Don’t understand the Keanu Reeves thing — but my grandmother (back in the 1970’s) couldn’t tell the three Charlie’s Angels apart.
My husband thinks my knitting and knit blogging in general are slightly batty — harmless, and they keep me amused, but batty — and he’s not usually tickled by anything on a knitting blog that makes me laugh.
But he’s still snorting and chuckling at “Tuscan Lumberjack.”
Even my hubby loved this one. The things you have given to the world – Tuscan Lumberjack and Kinnearing (oh and a whole heap of knitterly stuff but that’s not important right now)
xxx
Tuscan Lumberjack – that’s hilarious! In our house we refer to the actor that was the president in Independence Day as ‘Pit Bullman’. -> I don’t think I would automatically know who people were talking about if they called him by his real name.
Hate to break it to you: Mom’s wrong about Keanu, but right about “best by” dates: http://www.onthetable.net/freshness_dates.html .
‘Best Before’ dates on yogurt have always left me a bit confused. I mean, an expiration date for spoilt milk?????
This is totally off topic, except I was reading all the comments about spoiled dairy products. I’m reading Elizabeth David’s book about English baking and breads, and one recipe calls for milk soured until it’s gone solid but with no hint of mold. It had never crossed my mind to actually use spoiled milk. There ya go.
PS: Best last line ever!
“Tuscan Lumberjack”
Gotta love your mom. 🙂
HHHHHHHAHAHAHAHA! I think your mother might be refering to River Phoenix… Anywho… your not meeting your monthly deadline makes me feel a little better about not meeting my own monthly trifecta deadline (sweater/socks/sewing). And, likewise. I’m sure noone thinks I’m a bad person for not quite getting there, but damn it, I feel I failed anyway.
Remember Fevruary was a short month, you lost 2 or 3 days there! Now you should feel better.
OMG Tuscan Lumberjack. Love it!! He will forever be that now. I can’t quit laughing out loud and my co-workers (what? you don’t read the Harlot at work?) are giving me looks.
Fiance’s mother doesn’t believe in best-by dates either. Her fridge is full of stuff that “went bad” in 2007. She also doesn’t believe in refrigerating ketchup. I have to ask her son if things are safe to eat, since all the normal cues are completely untrustworthy. CRAZY-MAKING!
I love Tuscan Lumberjack. It reminds me of my mother who is no longer with us. Whoopie Goldberg will forever be Goldie Whooper in our house due to a one time mistake of my mother’s. Oh..and of course there was that spectacular movie with Tom Cruiser…what was it called ? Oh yes…Guntops !!
Tuscan Lumberjack is great. My husband once referred to Scarlett Johansson as Stella Garbanzo, and I can’t think of her any other way now.
OhMyBob – Tuscan Lumberjack? Hilarious!!!
Please thank your mother for giving me the laugh of the day.
I always thought that yogurt is spoiled milk. If so, I wonder: can spoiled milk spoil?
When people kept cows, the milk that soured was known as “clabber” and fed to the chickens and pigs. First, though, it was used to make those fluffy Southern biscuits. In fact, a US baking powder brand is still known as Clabber Girl.
You wrote, “made of awesome.” Does that mean that you’re a Nerdfighter? Fan of John and/or Hank Green? I’m very excited about the possibility of these things.
my mom cannot for the life of her pronounce keanu reeves name correctly.
moms are weird about that guy.
I totally get your mom in that not listening about Keanu Reeves being alive thing. My mother-in-law will not believe that man landed on the moon. She buys into the theory of all of that being filmed on a sound stage in Hollywood… I always tell her that I am going to put “The” picture of Neil Armstrong in her coffin so I can have the last word! To which she always replies “And I’ll throw it right back at ya!”
Gotta love the Oscars, even tho’ the dresses were all very tame and mostly classy…
But they all could have used a nice sweater!
I don’t know if straight yogurt can spoil more than it already is, but flavored yogurt sure can! I had a bite of the most awful no-longer-vanilla yogurt once, based entirely on the principle that it was already bad anyway …
I didn’t finish my February sock either. But I did finish another really big project that took a lot of my sock knitting time, so I don’t feel bad.
Oh, and River Phoenix died just before I listened to the morning news in England that day. For some reason, it seemed really strange and yet cool that I was hearing about middle of the night news in America almost immediately after it happened. Sorta like being in some kind of time warp.
What a great post. I snorked outloud loudly when I read it. Tuscan Lumberjack. That’s right up there with Kaneering in my new dictionary. Thank you for your additions to my vocabulary Mrs Webster!!
I found myself laughing at your mother’s Oscar party comments, but I realized that I am now the mother of adult children and I should be careful about taking sides.
And don’t forget that February is a bogus month with not enough days!!
Your tweets about the Oscars were so much more entertaining than the show itself! You should have included the part about your Mum’s reaction to Melissa Leo’s f-bomb, and how she thinks that Aaron Sorkin is hotter than “Tuscan Lumberjack”. Maybe your Mum should host the show next year….
Now I understand how you can be so funny — it’s genetic!
Why should you be any different? Yesterday I had an all-day meeting on the last day of February, so of course I got all kinds of checks at work that I had to stay late to put in – most of them, since of course one didn’t have the proper paperwork – and all day people have been calling to tell me they didn’t manage to get this or that done before the end of the month. We’re talking lots of $$$ here, so why worry about missing a personally-imposed deadline for finishing a pair of socks? As my somewhat nerdy but very sweet pastor said in his sermon on Sunday, “Don’t worry. Be happy.” (Yes, he was referring to THAT song, and completely unapologetic about it.)
Excuse me, I have to go turn the radio off; Tuscan Lumberjack is singing.
Come on – “Best before” means just what it says. You won’t die or even get sick from eating it after the date, as long as nothing is growing on it. If you’re ever in my kitchen I’ll have to remember to check all the dates on the salad dressing in the fridge beforehand. My family tends to have multiple bottles open, so some can be in there for a loooooooong time.
And we won’t talk about things I put in my chest freezer, provided there are no long power outages – and we now have a generator. There was a bag of Pepperidge Farm Cornbread Stuffing (you used to only be able to get it between Thanksgiving (US) and Christmas) that somehow got pushed to the bottom. I mean honestly, what is going to happen to frozen bread, sealed in the bag, that stays frozen? And it tasted fine.
Hubby’s mom used to load him up with food when he visited home in grad school. You’d have called the health department over how long he kept it. And did you know real, honest-to-goodness old-fashioned fruitcake really will keep for a year?
JoHanna called February a bogus month.
Is it a bogus month like Pluto was a bogus planet?
Gentle weeping. You are hilarious.
There actually isn’t a whole lot to expiration dates other than food companies wanting you to buy more food. I once ate cream cheese that “expired” several months (in August, and I ate it in December) before hand. It was fine and I was fine.
I was going to suggest that now that you’re New Times bestselling author and have invented a new word maybe you have enough pull to get Keanu to visit your Mum in person. But, from what you say, she probably wouldn’t believe it’s him.
I visited a dairy processing plant once and you can actually keep your dairy products for a good long time – months, actually, and they still won’t make you sick. Yogurt and other cultured dairy products are particularly sturdy since they’re already colonized with bacteria. Even when your milk smells off, it probably won’t make you sick. It’s just full of bacteria trying to make cheese. Most of them are harmless. Stinky, but harmless – like my offspring. The secret is to stick your milk/dairy products in the back of the fridge. It’s colder there and slows bacterial growth.
The two biggest enemies to preserving food are heat and humidity. This is why I keep bread in the fridge. It goes to mould in two point five seconds otherwise.
I know Kung Fu!
Your mum sounds hilarious…but I think it’s mothers everywhere who get these things wrong. My mom thought that Emily and James Blunt actually had the last name Blount, and when Heath Ledger died she sent me a long email about how sad she was about the passing of Keith Ledger.
I so wish i could go to Camp Jabberwonky, but it’s just too far away 🙁
Steph, those socks — finished or not — are positively gorgeous. Many thanks for the supremely excellent randomness on this fine Tuesday.
Also, I have my own randomness to share with you given your, um, ongoing “relationship” with squirrels. My partner discovered a squirrel frozen to death in 100 gallons of maple sap (contained in the holding tank). There’s a picture of her holding the sugared squirrel on my blog (anairynothing.blogspot.com), if you’re interested. With gloves, of course.
And though I wholeheartedly applaud your kindness towards all creatures, I couldn’t help but think that there is now one less sap thieving, yarn hoarding grabby little creature headed your way! Cheers!
Well, just realize that truly you have less days in February ….so, you aren’t really behind after all!
I simply cannot believe how many people you managed to distract from the unfinished February socks with movie stars, yogurt, and Sock Club.
I’m not falling for it.
Slacker.
Your ma sounds like fun! She and my mom (who saw Lime Nelson in a bookstore once) (he was married to the late Natasha Richardson) would have a deep mutual understanding.
Tuscan Lumberjack is wonderful. My mom too had unusual names for things. Switzerland will forever be Swisherland to me. And she once carefully explained that kiwi fruit are not avocados, so I should not make Guatemala out of them. It was hard to keep a straight face at times.
Sadly, I will again be missing the Sock Extravaganza due to work. Some day!
Maybe Justin Timberlake *is* a Tuscan Lumberjack? Or plays one on TV? (giggle)
As for ‘Best Before’ dates: I’m with your mom. I routinely drink milk up to 10 days past the BBD, with no ill effects. 🙂 I’ll be 59 my next birthday.
‘Tuscan Lumberjack’ would be a great band name, don’t you think? Keanu could sing lead!
If you ever want to farm out your mum, I’ll take her!
Oh lordy – I think the turn of phrase, “…a day for quietly weeping and eating crackers” has just entered our familial vernacular…
I love your mum. If you ever want to dump her I’ll take her.
I’m a lumberjack and I’m ok…
Tuscan Lumberjack he is and forever will be! Now if she could only come up with something for the Bieber.
I am with your Mom on the best before dates, been eating old stuff for years! By the way, when was the last time you actually saw Keanu ??
You mum and mine must be cut from the same cloth. Keanu Reeves and Tuscan Lumberjack. Sounds like something she would say……umm I need to make a phone call.
You totally got me with the Sock Club reference. I was automatically waiting to type in the credit card number when….wait…Sock Camp….I can’t go to Sock Camp then. Are you sure your Mum didn’t type the blog today?
re: best before dates. Yoghurt doesn’t really go bad… it just goes worse 🙂
“Best before”dates are simply a marker to tell whether a food should be pushed farther to the back of the fridge or freezer. (In my husband’s family, they call the freezer “The Archiver.” No one has died from old food yet.)
Is it possible that your mum and my stepmother are secretly the same person? Once, walking out of a movie, she (my stepmother, that is, or possibly your mum) sighed wistfully and said, “Wouldn’t it be great if stuff like that happened in real life?” The movie was “Coal Miner’s Daughter.” She also once rendered one of my favorite Christmas carols as, “Good King Wen’slas came to town, riding on a pony…”
I hope I get to meet Keanu Zilboorg someday.
Sock Camp with an Alice in Wonderland theme.*sigh* Would you consider a child as payment?(What?!? Like no one else thought of THAT one!) Another year,still no money for camp.:(
GOD I haven’t laughed that hard in such a long time!!!!!! It sounds like your Mum is my husband’s true Mother right up to the “best if used by” dates! hahahahahaha Of course none of it is funny when I’m sitting with him and this is going on, but reading it happening to someone other than me is truly hysterical! Thanks Stephanie 🙂
Tuscan Lumberjack! Love it! A friend of my husband was once telling him about the famous actress Guiness Cointreau. Yep – Gwyneth Paltrow! On the food thing, my daughters and I recently cleaned out my mother’s kitchen cupboards; the winning expiry date was 1996!
I never believed in the best buy dates either. I figure it’s a conspiracy to get us to spend more money. I eat old stuff all the time. Will be 61 later this month – not that that’s old or anything… But I haven’t been really sick since the Clarence Thomas/ Anita Hill thing… (Remember laying in bed listening to the hearing).
Stephanie, you gave me some good memories of my own mom, who passed away 9 years ago and was always saying things like that. Poor Oprah will forever be “Opie Winfrow” to me. And there was her favorite gospel singer, “Elvin Pretzel”. You know, “That boy really loved his mama.” She ate “par-me’-zee-an cheese” on her spaghetti. And as for braiding one’s hair, OMG she braided mine so tight once I couldn’t blink! You are a jewel and so is your precious Mum. Thanks.
My sister’s favorite tenor when we were little was “Linguine Fettucine.” Better known as Luciano Pavarotti, but her version of his name stuck.
Yes, I often smirk, smile or giggle when reading your blog. But this was all-out ROFL. Tuscan Lumberjack? Tuscan Lumberjack! Dyers, ready your dye-pots. I’m thinking a deep chianti wine color and a deep espresso black brown, and a pattern that you knit up in plaid.
My husband and I are still laughing about poor Tuscan. I think our mothers are very similar in a lot of ways! She makes up a new name for poor Justin Bieber every week.
It was a short month, February. There are many people that are taken by surprise by the last day of February. I don’t have that luxury, however, because my mom’s birthday is on the first of March. I forget that, let it slip up with out preparations, or cash, and my name is MUD!
I have to say that I’m with your mother on the whole food thing. The way that I look at is that if you were starving to death you would more than be willing to eat it.
My oscar party consisted of me eatting popcorn in front of the TV in my pajamas. Your’s sounds better, at least you made some money. (I’m assuming that you took that bet)
hmmm. .. according to facebook, river phoenix is my perfect 80s boyfriend. now i wonder if they really meant keanu reeves.
what’s your mom’s take on elvis???
i wish the people that watched the oscars in my family were like your mom, that sounds way more fun!
One of my step-fathers (yes, you read that correctly) went to high school with Anna Zilboorg. They had a 60th reunion last year, at the end of which my father asked me if I’d hear of her. The subject heading at least read “Knitting Goddess.” The mind boggles.
I don’t typically go in for watching the Oscars…or, for that matter, caring about who’s nominated, wins or whatever…but I would TOTALLY love hangin’ out with your Mum and watching…now THAT would be a fun night in!
Eh, February is a short month. Give yourself the extra three days and don’t worry about it. The socks really are lovely.
“Tuscan Lumberjack” cracks me up! We largely ignore stale dates on food and drugs around my house, too, until the date is more that a couple years in the past. DH once heard/read something about how those dates are not actually tested, they are just some guy’s best guess. If it smells okay, we eat it.
The strange part is, Tuscan Lumberjack kind of makes sense. I can’t believe I wrote that.
I love Tuscan Lumberjack! I will never look at him the same way again 😀 As for the best before dates, I’ve had a few icky experiences with tinned soups and some nasty smelling dry goods that were past date, but otherwise… sour cream is already sour, what is it going to do, turn fresh?
February is the shortest month. This is not even a leap year. Therefore you should be allowed till at least March 3 to complete the socks. It’s probably like some time zone thing or something….or an alternative Aztec calendar… or solar rotations… or something.
Keanu Reeves probably knows.
I do so love your Mother! My oldest son was talking about the soon-to-be Super Bowl half time show and about (when) the black guy pees. I was remembering the commercial with the car coming to a quick stop and the man getting out and holding up the little boy while he pees on the tree; and I was curious how they would manage this part of the show–tastefully-in the center of the enormous stadium.
Turns out he was talking about the Black Eyed Peas.
My idea’s more creative. Bet your Mom’s would be too.
I know Keanu personally – he is a good friend of my pal out in Seattle. Met him the first time almost 20 years ago. Please let your mom know that he is alive and well. Very nice person as it happens.
My mum has the same hangup on best before dates! I can’t even drink milk on the date it’s “best before” because it didn’t say “drink by.” Those two phrases greatly affect how I approach my foodstuffs. Best before means eat it before. Use by means use it by that date. My mum thinks that it’s perfectly acceptable to do things whenever because, yeah, she’s convinced they’re open to interpretation. Drives me mad! I can’t eat things at her house unless I was there when they were prepared and know for certain everything was in date when used. Blech.
Does your Mum think poor Keanu died before or after he made the Matrix? I’m really curious to know. And did you know that some doctors will tell you that the Best before date doesn’t apply to ALL medications? I was shocked thinking about all the children’s tylenol I threw out. But then I figured my child keeps aging so I must be doing something right. 🙂
My brother and I were once playing a DVD Board Game that used pictures as the clues to a celebrity’s name. Ever since Lawrence Fishburne has been known to us as JudgeWrench FishMatch. It’s a mouthful but we often have to stop and try to remember what his real name actually is 🙂
Now I am adding Tuscan Lumberjack to the list!
I don’t believe in best before dates either, if it looks OK and smells OK I’ll eat it.
Tuscan Lumberjack 🙂 That is beyond awesome!
My Dad refered to Bono Vox as Bruno Fuchs (in German that sounds kind of similar). Now my sister and I sometimes do speak of Bruno Fuchs when we mean Bono 😉
Keanu believe it! Tuscan play at that game.
Thank you (and your mum too) for the guffaws!
Sock Camp sounds awesome (of course) but my daughter is getting married April 1st so I’ll be busy. My daughter is getting married. My. Daughter. Is. Getting. Married. This is lovely. I will be across Puget Sound from you probably knitting a sock and watching the kids dance. Or, dancing in my socks. And toasting sock camp.
I’m with your mum. Yogurt is spoiled milk when they put it in the pot, it doesn’t get any more spoiled until it starts to ferment. If the lid is domed up then it’s bubbling and I bin it.
Did you abandon the Feb socks and start the March ones?
Hilarious post – cheered me up no end – thank you!
Just loved “Tuscan Lumberjack”. I was laughing so hard, my guy came in from another room to check if I was ok…
Love your Mums take on ‘sell-by’ dates – personally, I feel that if its not actually fermenting, then its probably okay to eat. And as for the idea of keeping pickles in the fridge – excuse me? Nothing but nothing can live in my pickles!(Its the chilli). Actually – I really would love to meet your Mum – she sounds my sort of person!
Please ! Remember those are either “SELL by ” or “BEST by” dates! Not “EAT by” and “REALLY DANGEROUS and DISGUSTING by” dates. (Some of the dating is more for the benefit of the seller’s than it is for you. THay make more money when you throw away perfectly good food!) Also, a lot will depend on if the product in question spent eight hours in the sun in the back of your car or went right to appropriate storage. Discolored bottled goods, peaches for example, have been exposed to light a little too long and have only lost eye appeal. There’s nothing necessarily wrong with them.
ALERT.ALERT>.ALERT…Cats pee on things when they have a urinary infection coming on…
At least in was not on your socks. Try to watch her use of kitty box, more often, anxious etc. She may have a bladder infection.
Good luck.
You do know that for the rest of forever I’m going to think of him as “Tuscan Lumberjack”?
Good thing you’re not in Britain, ‘elf ‘n safety’ might ban you from throwing a ‘Tuscan Lumberjack’ our way without preliminary warning. I almost choked on my coffee I laughed so hard…..
And I’m totally (TOTALLY) with your mom on the dates, al least the ‘best before’ ones (the ‘do not use past’ ones on meat etc. I do tend to take seriously). I think the ‘best before’ dates are mostly a ploy to get you to throw out perfectly good merchandise so you will run out and buy more.
Your mum may be wrong about Keanu (LOL!) but she’s right about the best by dates. It’s “Best by”, not “Instantly goes bad on” dates. I don’t know about “really old” yogurt, but I eat yogurt that’s a couple days past the date that still looks and smells okay all the time.
In total agreement with your mum re best before dates. Ran into problem with preschooler’s packed lunch — pretended that I had not “noticed” the date. Now I am careful to write his name with a fat wide black marker right over the date. Ha.
I would say that most of Keanu Reeves’ performances would confirm that your mom is right. And hey, could you provide the specs on those February socks–love that pattern!
I’m with Mum on best befores. And maybe she is making a subliminal connection between best before dates and the careers of Keanu and the tuscan lumberjack?
IMHO deadlines are not for knitting. They are for taxes and term papers and things that cause penalties when they aren’t met.
My mother used to get names of movies, people etc. mixed up all the time. It was amusing. And despite my better judgement, I heart Keanu Reeves. His acting is so bad, it borders on genius. Case in point; Johnny Neumonic. There is a scene where he’s having an existential freak out on top of a garbage heap in a post apocolyptic New Jersey…I think. It’s brilliant.
Poor Tuscan Lumberjack, he will never be known as anything else in my presence, which should ruin his day 🙂
My mother also didn’t believe in “best by” dates. She used to say that food poisoning was only for the weak. But then a couple of months ago, she ate a hamburger that had spent part of the previous day in the car. Apparently, it tasted fine. … Well, turns out food poisoning is a real disease after all. (This whole thing reinforced my 10-year devotion to vegetarianism, though my mother maintains that it was the mayonnaise that did it.)
He’ll always be Tuscan Lumberjack to me!
Ok, this post explains the call I just got from my mother. She said “Who the hell is Ke-now Reeves and Justin Timberlake?”
After she spelled KeNow I said “An actor you haven’t seen and a musician you haven’t heard” she said “ok” and hung up… I thought she was involved in a conversation with my cousin… but no, she’s reading the Harlot. 🙂
I want to watch the Oscars with your Mom!
(I’ll bring my own yogurt)
You know, I haven’t seen or heard anything about Keanu for quite awhile…your Mom might be on to something.
Just sayin’.
One other thought….you should apply your Mom’s take on best before dates to the sock of the month deadline.
oooooh – Anna Zilboorg! They just re-published her Magnificent Mittens book and I was all over it. My library will be happy that others can finally borrow it. 😀 Great Book! She is the awesome.
Your mother sounds delightful!
I attempted the year of 100 socks recently. Do you know how many I actually made? two…it’s sad really. But I’m working at it haha
It is great to have a goal, but it better to not beat yourself up about not quite making it. You got further along your sock of the month than I did. I will be finishing mine over the month of March along with the March socks and it will be good.
TUSCAN LUMBERJACK BWAH.
I was sitting next to my mom once at a massive-extended-family Christmas dinner in an Italian restaurant and we somehow got to talking about Tatum O’Neal, and it turns out that my mom was utterly convinced that her name was in fact TATER. TATER O’NEAL.
I laughed so hard I was weeping and incoherent. My brother-in-law on the other side of me kept asking what was wrong and all I could do was make violent hand gestures that in my head meant, “potato,” and hiccup and cry some more.
You should seriously do standup comedy. This reads like a great laugh-out-loud monologue.
Keanau Reeves was part owner in the Viper Room, the club that River Phoenix collapsed and died in front of.
(you have no idea how embarassed I am that THAT piece of information is stuck in my Brain!)
My mother in law called Green Peppers, Green mangos. I have yet to hear anybody else call them that.
I remember just one more name for ya from my deceased mom. Bouncy Knows. She’s a great little singer and dancer. Crazy name, though.
good to see your funny bone typing fingers survived the midnight flight.
funniest post, ever. fer sher.
Actually Alyson, Johnny Depp was part owner-not Keanu Reeves.
re: Presbytera I love your wit! She even distracted Rams from the socks!
Your mom sounds awesome!!
omg i wish i could send half of my fridge to your “mum”. my husband is a freak about the expiration dates. he practiclly wont eat anything that has been opened! yes i know…he is crazy, but then he married a fiber addict so i cut him some slack!
So happy that you too miss self imposed deadlines. Not pleased that you missed your deadline (I know how that feels) but happy that I’m not the only one who misses them. (which explains the stash I suppose). Love the socks.
My best friend read a study about the “best by” dates on food and was shocked. It turns out the manufacturers kinda make them up. Sometimes it goes bad sooner, other times it stays good a really long time after that date. There is no standard and it’s not required to be accurate.
Lumber, timber, it’s all wood.
Every once in a while I remember River Phoenix and how awesome he was, and then I remember he died, and I have a little moment of sadness.
TUSCAN LUMBERJACK!!!! That sounds like my mom when she was looking for a Beastie Boys CD for my brother she went in the music store and asked for the Beely boys…TOO funny!
Don’t forget banana bread – you have to wait until
the bananas are black outside and soft inside.
I have had food poisoning (there is one restaurant
where I will never eat again, not even a cup of
coffee), and I’ve had crackers that went stale in
the package, but plain yogurt keeps really well
in the refrigerator. Consumers did a test on eggs
and they can keep up to a year in the refrigerator.
You lose some along the way, of course.
Isn’t yoghurt milk already gone bad???
I’m totally impressed that your mother knows who Keanu Reeves (even if she thinks he’s River Phoenix) and Justin Timberlake (even if she thinks his name is Tuscan Lumberjack) are. I remember coming home with my parents about 20 years ago to find my brother dejected about the news of Jerry Garcia’s death. (My brother was a bit of a deadhead.) My mother confided in me a few days later that she was really upset that she hadn’t known who Jerry Garcia was. I asked what in the world would make her think she would know who Jerry Garcia was. In fact, could she name a single rock or pop star? She thought for a moment and said, “Sting. That’s someone, isn’t it?”
My husband and oldest son have man crushes on “Tuscan Lumberjack”. My FIL used to refer to the rock star known as “Mac Jigger”. He also saw a guy with a “Rush” t-shirt on and told him he liked it…all the while, thinking it was about Rush Limbaugh. Sad! LOL!
Your mum is completely right about the dates. Canned goods that keeps decades has them now. They want you to toss it and buy more. Besides, they say “best” not “you will DIE if you eat it after.”
I’m starting to agree with her about Keanu too.
I agree with Cath’s comment – since February is short, you get extra time. Absolutely.
Last summer I helped my mom clean out her spice cabinet. We tossed what remained of spices passed down to her from my grandmother (who died over 30 years ago), who’d had them in her spice cabinet since the 1950s. Despite the crumbly evidence in every container, my mom kept saying, “Spices never go bad.” Not like Tuscan Lumberjack.
I started my own self-imposed sock-of-the-month club after yours, and I felt so bad when my January socks went a couple days into February. The fact that your February socks are a couple days late makes me feel so much better! My February socks were a total cop-out… I used worsted weight yarn. That, however, allowed me to get an early start on March’s socks, which are already 1/4 done. Huzzah!
And now he will FOREVER be Tuscan Lumberjack to me. And to half the people in blogland and the Twitterverse.
Kinda makes him sound exotic, eh?
My Mom was cleaning out the massive freezer last year. She found a shrimp cocktail with the expiry date of 1975. She ate it! “Shrimp is expensive, you can’t let that go to waste!” Do I need to mention she grew up during the depression??!
Okay, here’s your irrefutable proof to your mom that Keanu never died…and probably never will!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nEubt6HpGhs
I ate 3 month old yogurt once. I’m no Lumberjack!
Taking your lead, I too began a self-imposed pr of socks a month challenge. My January socks were finished in February, February socks finished in March, …But… my March socks WILL be finished in March! I’m jazzed about that.
Oh, and, I like Keanu too, to the chagrin of my family. 🙂
My dad has that expired food thing going on as well. In fact, I’m pretty sure if it isn’t already expired when he buys it (clearly the best choice) then he hangs onto it and eats it after it expires. And the guy is 83 and never gets sick. Ever.
Your Mum is right. Keanu Reeves IS dead. But people keep forgetting about his expiration date and thinking he’s still good.
Perhaps she’s thinking of Christopher Reeves?
It’s my experience that if you want to know for sure if a movie star is dead or alive, you consult the Palm Springs, CA road map. If there’s a street named after them, they’re dead.
Found you by accident on Facebook earlier this week. Hilarious! I have one of your books and certainly need the rest. The world of blogging is new to me Wow! It is amazing what all is out there. Just wanted to say Hi! love your books and love this site Thanks for all the inspiration Steph! 🙂
I’m trying to be able to find out exactly how to utilize your feed. I am not sure the reason why it isn’t working for me. Do you have guidelines on your site?
Not only is the “best before” date open to interpretation but a speed “limit” is merely a speed suggestion.