Definitely

I’m writing to you from an airport. My first plane trip in more than two years- I’m on my way to the first retreat in more than two years, and to see knitters and teach and see Debbi and Judith for the first time in two years and I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you I’m so happy and nervous and excited and worried that it almost negates the exhaustion I feel from having to get up at 3:30am to come here. I tried to write this post yesterday – because yesterday was my Birthday but it turns out that I am having a weird problem with hope and I spent most of my time yesterday rushing around getting ready to leave because I’d put off packing like some weirdo who can’t read a calendar. It’s a theme right now.

Have I told you Meg is expecting again? I don’t think I have, and that says something, doesn’t it? It isn’t that I am not happy about it – I’m beyond delighted. A new grand baby on the way? The old Steph would have been thrilled, started knitting like mad, ordered a ton of yarn (ok I did do that part) and essentially doubled down on being all in. The new Steph (who is ironically an older Steph) is thrilled but has grown a calm but insistent voice, one that quietly leans over and gently whispers “maybe”. It is the voice of my inner Steph, the one that’s been disappointed so many times over the last while, and now hears about plans and good news and babies and retreats and bike rallies and hedges her bets, qualifies her hopes, keeps dreams a little tethered and makes sure all ideas are properly shored up with that cautious “maybe” to make sure I’m not signing up for any unnecessary heartbreak. I am enjoying the idea of a new grandchild, and whatever time we get to know they exist, but in absolutely no way am I capable of counting any grandchickens before they’ve been hatched for a while.

This “maybe” problem has leaked into a few other things – like the problem with my Birthday yesterday. I didn’t avoid packing because I’m a procrastinator (although I’ve often said that I do work well under pressure, and will often put things off a bit to create that pressure) it was because whether I acknowledged it or not, after so many cancelled retreats and postponed retreats and problems and surprises and really- two years? That “maybe” voice just kept telling me to bide my time. It’s not a pessimistic voice – it’s a realist. “Why” it asks “Why waste your time packing for a trip that’s not a definite thing? Why not wait and see?”

To me that sounds really smart, I mean the voice isn’t wrong, and the whole thing makes loads of sense until suddenly it’s the day I’m leaving and nothing bad has happened and whammo, here I am spending my birthday organizing underwear, pants I haven’t worn in two years, and trying to remember how airports work. (They are almost the same, by the way, in case it comes up.) I busted a move all day still managed to have a short dinner in the back garden with family and friends and Elliot and I made time for the splash pad even, so it’s not like it was a total disaster – but it was instructive. Obviously I’ve done a good job learning the lessons the last few years have offered, whether they’re totally helpful or not.

As I packed, I thought about the Bike Rally. The first year of the pandemic the whole rally was virtual but we had a little family socially distanced really anxious rally, then last year I thought there would be a rally and there was the abbreviated little version instead, and this year – well this year there’s a full rally. Six days of cycling- more than 600km (about 375miles, for my American friends) from Toronto to Montreal in support of PWA (People with Aids Foundation) and two other ASOs. (An ASO is an Aids Service Organization) and I am signed up and so are Cam and Ken and Pato and together we’re this year’s Team Knit. By now we should be doing a lot of two things. Riding, and fundraising.

I’ve neglected both. I’ve been riding my bike a few times each week – between 40 and 60 kilometres each time, but truthfully there’s been more 40s than 60s and I really, really should be heading out to the formal organized rides – but they are hard to get to without the subway and I’ve been trying not to get Covid so I can do this retreat and not give it to Meg and <insert excuse here>. I finally got out for an official training ride the other day and to be completely honest I rode the whole 80km and then cried the last five home because I had my arse so completely handed to me. Even if the Rally is a “maybe” somewhere in my mind it needs to become a “definitely” in terms of training or things are going to be seriously, desperately ugly out there, but at least if I screw up training that only hurts me – the fundraising needs to be where this team gets it together, and soon.

Usually by now Team knit has things well underway, with every member headed for meeting their goals and we’re nowhere near that now and it’s because all of us are a little leery, holding back a little bit, trying to get our heads back in the game, and that’s a jerk move because here we all moving slowly towards getting our scenes together while time is short and the need is great.

I had a whole thing I was going to say here. I was going to talk about how the Covid pandemic has compounded the HIV/AIDS epidemic, but you know that. I was going to talk about how far from over the crisis is, how things got worse, not better over the last two years. About how in 2020 a child was infected with HIV every two minutes, globally. About how all the things that Covid made worse, poverty, inequality, unemployment, fragile employment, food insecurity, access to health care, mental illness…on and on and on- those things all make people vulnerable and make it hard for them to help themselves and make it almost impossible to deliver services when they can’t help themselves and make the need for agencies like PWA greater, and make it harder and more expensive to deliver those services and I was going to tell you a lot of stuff.. but I think you know, and want to do things about and there’s no maybe about that. You, my dear knitters have never been a “maybe” on the Sign-me-up to help list. You are a definitely, you just need to know how to help. So here we are.

We got together yesterday, your little Team Knit, and because it was my birthday we got ourselves a bubbly drink, and we made every effort to move our tired and nervous hearts from Maybe to Definitely so we can get this thing done. Team Knit this year is:

Me

Ken

Cameron

Pato

We would really like your help, for all the reasons that you know already, because it’s time to try and have a little hope, and because sometimes you really have to make it yourself. All donations to the cause are welcome, and please remember that fundraising works just like knitting – every stitch is important, every dollar is important and it all works together to make something wonderful- one little bit at a time. If you’d ever wished you could get me a Birthday present? Moving Team Knit to the finish line is all I want.

Finally, as a gift from me to you – Bonus picture with Elliot getting us all to pretend to be dinosaurs. I know that’s really the content you’re here for anyway.

No. We don’t know what kind we are. Cam and Ellie were the only two of us with a really clear vision on this one.

73 thoughts on “Definitely

  1. Happy Birthday!

    We’re all a little more cautious than we used to be about lots of things, but perhaps that’s okay. It’s so much sweeter when the moment/event/person arrives.

    Give my love to Debbi and Judith!

  2. Hey Steph! When you’re returned to earth and located your things, would you like me to have a dive in the stash for the yearly Rally…thing Ive suddenly lost the name to.
    I’ve been doing massive destashing this year and have lovely stuff I’ve held onto for the Rally. Let me know if you’ve the capacity for it this year and I’ve got you covered.

  3. Happy belated birthday! Wishing you easy travel, joyous reunions, scrumptious yarns, and swift returns – all plague-free, of course.

  4. Definitely.
    Definitely going right now to donate to the ride.
    Best to you and the team.
    Now, get out there and train!
    (PS good to hear from you)

  5. A lot to unpack here: First, Happy B-day! Enjoy the retreat; I hope they have bicycles or exercise bikes there so you get some practice for the rally. Congrats and best wishes to Meg & hubby. May everything go so well that our dear YH will find herself rushing to knit ALL the baby things. Ellie’s “dinosaurs” look great and quite speedy. Not an apatosaurus in that bunch. Lastly, GO TEAM KNIT, GO!

  6. I really feel you on maybe, definitely, and guarding your heart. My darling husband has been in the hospital for three months with a rare and catastrophic reaction to a medical treatment. Every day, sometimes every hour, we are thrown between hope and despair. Wishing you and Meg all the luck you need and more. ❤️

  7. Covid has taught us to be grateful for the simple things in life – like a happy dinosaur photo. It is also important to have things to look forward to in our lives. Thankfully “maybes” are becoming “really happening” more often again now. Enjoy the retreat and the busier times again.

  8. The pics are great. I think you are T-Rexes. Happy birthday. Let’s all be hopeful and try to come down from the constant steady hum of panic. I wish you and your loved ones all the joy!!

  9. Go all in on joy with the new baby coming. If anything, universe forbid, should go astray, it will not hurt any less because you bit back on joy.

    And happy belated birthday. And enjoy being with your friends.

  10. Elliot is adorable. I’m sending all the good vibes to Meg. Happy birthday to you.

    The world is all wobbly right now. It’s hard. I hope the retreat is fabulous.

  11. I am glad you got to fly out and hope you have a really great time; you so deserve it. These past few years have just about sucked all the hope and faith out of me. I have pretty much given up planning or counting on anything.

  12. Happy Birthday to my Exact Birthday Twin. I am sorry you spent the day packing, but you are not alone in pre-trip procrastination being exacerbated by pandemic uncertainty. I kept thinking that the semester-abroad program I was scheduled to lead in the spring would be canceled (again), so I started packing on December 31. To be away for nearly five months. Leaving January 2.

    (The program happened, and I made it. I even took my e-spinner with me.)

  13. I donated to thank you for your posts and bring you some hope. You all make lovely dinosaurs, no matter what kind you are.

    I went to Scotland (Edinburgh and Shetland) in May, my first trip across the pond. All my friends were excited, but I was anxious. It wasn’t until I saw my roommate in Edinburgh that I was able to relax. I should have been bouncing off the walls, but four trips had been cancelled, three from Covid, one from the death of the friend I was going with. I just couldn’t start to enjoy it until it was real.

    I have a friend from Shetland who will be at the retreat. I hope you all have a lovely time, and perhaps someday, I’ll join you.

  14. Thank you for making me smile and for bringing a few tears to my eyes. I am stalled at definitely-maybe and very glad to know I am not alone. Happy birthday, congratulations on your grand news, and Go! Team! Knit! PWA is very fortunate to have the four of you.

  15. Have a wonderful trip! And could you let us know where you plan to be as you used to do? My family is awaiting the birth of a little girl who, according to the doctors, may or may not have Down syndrome; they’re not sure. It’s a high-risk pregnancy and the mother will need a caesarian in any case. So I know about trying not to count your chickens while hoping hard.

  16. I’m just glad to see you and the other members of Team Knit standing next to each other, not six feet apart.

  17. I know this cautious feeling very well; it’s so hard to make plans when for the past two years all plans have been obliterated. But I think you are absolutely right to rely on the Knitters to have your back — we will make sure that this Rally is a success for you!

  18. Happy Birthday!
    I understand ‘maybe’ a lot… I’ve lived with that ‘maybe’ in my head almost all my life and have spent a lot of time shoving it down into a dark corner where it can sit and think about what it’s done, so that I can be more of a ‘definitely’ person.
    But we, the knitters, THE BLOG, have your back. You got this. And we got you.

  19. I was debating whether to do afterthought or standard flap heel with some Must Stash; I am now doing afterthought with your Patreon videos. Or will, once I get the tubes done. And I am sure I have some yarn I could donate for karma balancing; let us know. And..a retreat? Is Strung Along back? Lots of things I’ve said, no, not gonna happen this lifetime, but Strung Along is still on the bucket list.

  20. Maybe, indeed… the new normal. Wishing you a wonderful birthday year, sending prayers and well wishes to Meg and the family (and for Joe), slightly jealous on the travel (but still not quite there yet mentally) and absolutely love the dinosaurs. Before or after the bubbly…. Stay safe and well, enjoy and believe in all the wonders to be – you’ve certainly earned the rainbows after the rain.
    Bonnie

  21. Happy belated birthday to one of my birthday twins! I hope that your trip is exceeding all expections. I will get on sponsoring you shortly. Are you doing gifts again this year? I think I have something in stash that would be a good match!

  22. Dear Steph and Team Knit,
    I’m happy to support you even if you don’t ride. Best wishes!! I totally understand the new cautious maybe, but it’s still hope. Me too!

  23. My first comment after years of reading your posts. Having both rejoiced and wept with you, I’m so happy that you are getting to rejoin the knit-verse in person and that your family is growing again. Blessings.

  24. The Maybes are so relatable.
    Thank you for reminding us of the Things that we may not see so we may forget they’re still there. We’ve all insulated and hermited away as sometimes emotions and awareness got left behind in the Comforter Cave.
    The Rally is a huge sacrifice in time, energy, physical risks and sometimes just plain miserable conditions. And as you’ve shared before, it pales compared every day for those living with HIV/AIDS and those that love and care about them.
    Thank you for choosing to do this. Thank you for reminding us there are so many ways we can each make a difference.
    Give us the time frame for is to keep those notifications chiming to urge you all forward!!
    Here’s to perfect Rally weather and the Best Year yet.
    I’m grateful I have another year to celebrate you-your yarn and life wisdom have helped shape me into a better knitter and a better person.
    And wishing this next year is The Year that Maybe changed to All Good Things-it was long overdue.
    And Exyra Yarn Always.

  25. Happy Birthday! Elliott is so adorable getting the grownups to remember to have fun like kids.

    May every ride be sweet.

    And… After I lost a pregnancy at 12 weeks, I had a hard time quite believing or trusting that the process could succeed, and I only went through that once. Much love to Meg and family and hoping for the very best this time.

  26. Well, I got some house-cleaning done because I couldn’t find one of the needles in my red scarf project, and feared it had fallen into the grips of some nearby dinosaur.

  27. I love you, Steph. Frankly, I’ve never met you and don’t even know you, but I’ve been reading the Blog for thirteen years now and maybe that counts for something. I love you and I love your family and your hope. I’ll be sending as much as I can towards Team Knit so that more people can definitely have some hope.

  28. Happy belated birthday! Like the person above I’ve been reading your blog for years, so I am a well wishing stranger. I understand the reluctance to emotionally commit to things. For me covid has knocked the stuffing out of me, yet, I will be a bit subversive in saying that I have learned something from it. The words adaptability and resilience come to mind. I practice those things imperfectly, but I exercise them as best I can these days. I realize that I’m oversharing, so I’ll stop. I look forward to your bike posts, and, I’ll contribute what I can. Happy Pride Month️‍

  29. Glad to hear the rally is on again. I just donated.
    Having lost a child at 3 days old (many years ago) I can attest to the apprehension of everyone in the family at a new pregnancy. But from my own experience, Rainbow Babies are extra special.

  30. Happy happy Birthday! So delighted that things are at least marginally better so that you can get out and about again! Will you be doing Karmic Balancing gifts again this year? A couple of hand surgeries has made sock knitting on my preferred size 0 needles too uncomfortable. Would be delighted to offer some lovely sock yarn up for “thank you” gifts.

  31. I’ll start with a happy belated birthday (I didn’t see your post until today) and wishing you a blessed retreat. I believe we’re all looking forward to those times again.

    My donation was happily made on June 10 and I’m wishing you all the best in this wonderful Bike Rally. It’s a wonderful thing you are doing and we’re glad to support all of you. Go Team Knit!

    Congratulations to Meg and all of the family. Babies deserve all of the joy we can handle. Cautious hope is optimistic and that is a gift. I have to remind myself not to waste potential happiness with worry days that drag me down. Joy is a gift – it is tethered not by the chains of Covid and lockdowns and bad possibilities, but by a floaty ribbon of many colors – in this case, a rainbow of them. As so many have stated before me – we love you and yours!

  32. Happy birthday and donation made.
    Congratulations to you all on your lovely news and best wishes for an uneventful pregnancy and birth. The next few months will bring both joy and anxiety, I am sure.
    I had to make up the “state” in my address: the bike rally system won’t allow manual input, I’m in Australia, and the only states that came up are in either the US or Canada. They’d better get with the program that knitters are all over the world and we can all get behind a great cause!

  33. I finally caught up with the blog just now and, when I got to Meg’s news (and your’s of course) my heart jumped! I’m so happy for you all. I tugged my heart back in place because we are all sticking with the “maybe” part these days but it gave me such joy.
    I’m so missing Port Ludlow and sad I’m not there but I’m not even ready to eat inside in restaurants yet so,….. I’m counting on November. It’s even on my calendar.
    I’m off to contribute to the bike ride. Thank you for all you do. I have spent a goodly amount of time on Patreon with your afterthought heel. It may become my favorite thing. We’ll see. Be safe and I’ll see you in November (“mostly”).

  34. Happiest of birthdays to you!
    Yes, life is full of uncertainty. Just go with it, be joyful when you can, and don’t worry about getting your heart broken. We are all in this huge, big, beautiful life together.

  35. Things can still go wrong. I recently visited family in England and caught asymptomatic Covid while there … my cousin Liz screamed that I had leave, so I moved to my SIL’s for the remaining nights (who was extremely welcoming). So it’s not all peachy. Only one other person had Covid, and I think I caught it from her and I didn’t spread it. Asymptomatic is tricky.
    And the airport HAS changed: in March coming back from LV we had to wait on the plane for 3 hours before deplaning, and luggage was another 3 hours. No ground crew. Arrivals are the problem, not departures.

  36. Dear Steph,

    I saw your post on IG this morning (June 24/22) and have been crying intermittently about Meg’s pregnancy. It is the most hopeful thing I have heard!!

  37. I wonder if inflation is causing people to give less quickly in the past. Meanwhile the people who need assistance are also paying higher prices for food and shelter.

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  39. The dinosaur photos are so amazing!
    Congratulations to Meg and family – that’s great news.
    Thanks again for sharing your life with the Blog. The readers get so much out of your posts.
    Very happy to donate to the Rally again this year.
    Have a great summer on and off the bike. Looking forward to seeing next knitting projects.

  40. I will be donating to each member of Team Knit for this good cause. Looking at each of your fundraising pages, I was rather surprised that this year PWA is listing donors in order of the amount of their donations. These are voluntary donations and not everyone can be as generous as they’d like, especially in these economic times, but each donation, large or small, helps support PWA’s programs and services and should be acknowledged equally (especially since the list is being made public). Perhaps a suggestion to PWA regarding this?

  41. I do not knit but enjoy your blog. I just felt the need to write to you about your daughter. Many years ago we had a pregnancy that ended on the death of the baby right before the C-section. The baby had multiple serious defects. We waited a year, sought advice and then had a pregnancy with the result of my daughter Abby. I just wanted to share a happy ending.

    Jamie Reft

  42. I don’t do Instagram but saw your post about heavy metal dinosaur music. My daughter (just turned 4) loves Jeff and Paige, Laurie Berkner, and Twenty Trucks if Elliot allows you to mix up the music some! These groups all have YouTube videos, but their music is decent to good in my opinion even without YouTube. The Jeff and Paige album “Get Outside!” is a great starting point for them.

  43. I just donated and am sending birthday wishes to you along with the donation. My heart is singing about Meg’s news but I know the caution you feel. Go Team Knit!

  44. Just stopped by the Blog to see if you were up for chatting.. have missed your posts.
    Wanted you to know that you and yours are being thought of and being wished the best.
    So glad you have family and summer days to visit outdoors.

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  46. I’m very happy that things have improved enough for you to go out and about once more. Will you once again be giving gifts for karmic balancing this year? Due to several hand operations, knitting socks on my preferred size 0 needles has become too unpleasant. I’d be happy to provide some wonderful sock yarn as “thank you” presents.

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