To: The Stash

From: Stephanie

Re: Your Behaviour Of Late.

I know that you and I have an important, loving, fluid relationship, and mostly I treasure you and the way that you respond to new yarns and changes in how often I visit. (I really still appreciate how you were about that whole mohair thing, I’m still so sorry about that.) That’s why, after this time together, I feel badly having to lay down the law like this, but here goes.

You seem to be under the impression that we are in a marriage of equals. That I will love, honour and cherish you, and that you will take part in our relationship as a team-mate, an equal partner who makes suggestions and decisions about the life we lead together and what gets knit around here. That would be Wrong.

You are actually like my high-priced concubine. I love and cherish you, feed, house and spend money on you… and in exchange, you are to give me what I pay for. Entertainment, pleasure and silent nodding assent. I am a knitter with plans right now, and you exist to please me. Please cease and desist with the following behaviours:

1. Stop throwing sock yarn at me just because I finished a pair of socks.

(Shari’s lace – sockbug pattern, koigu yarn)

This behaviour will not be tolerated. You can quit wagging your fancypants yarns at me and throwing skeins off of the shelf. I am not doing it. I am going to finish the socks I have in progress before I want to hear anything about “hand-painted” anything.

While you are at it, you can quit tossing the Jaywalker pattern on the floor, printing extra copies and arranging for other bloggers to be knitting it all the time. You are a mighty stash, and I admire the way you stick to what you want, but No means not right now No.

2. Please leave the door to the closet closed the way I left it. I know it is you forcing it open sixteen times a day because I have made the decision to finish the tinks sweaters before I knit anything else.

Having made that decision, I am not the sort of person who would be opening the closet to fondle look at the grey merino all the time, so back off. I know it’s you.

3. Immediately stop with the whispering about the merino-tencel that Laurie (yes, That Laurie) dyed and sent me.

I take a lot of flack on the blog about how I keep sort of forgetting to spin the corridale for Joe’s gansey and I’m tired of people thinking it’s me that can’t follow through when you are the shameless hussy wagging fibre around. I spun two more skeins of 3-ply for him yesterday, and you can just suck it up. (You – the mouthy laceweight in the back, shut it.)

I want you to know that I believe in your basic goodness and that I think you are a reliable and decent stash. I would have never brought you that nice silk if that wasn’t true. I hope that this review helps us to continue our long and fruitful relationship together. Play nice and I’ll get you more of those extra big ziplocks you like so much.

fondly,

Stephanie