How it goes

Posted on by

– Trying to leave for airport. Realize that my favourite brown pants are not clean. Begin hunt for alternative, pausing briefly to berate self for not being the sort of person who looks into this the night before.

-Find charcoal wool skirt. Remember I like charcoal wool skirt.

-Put on skirt. Realize that I need tights with skirt.

– Begin hunt for tights. Locate brown pair immediately. Celebrate.

– Remember clothes should match. Discard brown tights.

– Begin hunt for black tights.

-While hunting through drawer, locate 23 pairs of ratty underpants that nobody would ever wear and try briefly to understand why anyone would keep these underpants when what they really need is tights. Leave underpants in drawer because hunt actually concerns tights. Begin to understand why the underpants are still there.

– Locate black tights. Put on. Celebrate.

– Discover huge run down leg that will not be covered by skirt and boot combo.

– Examine brown pants to decide if syrup on leg is actually a big problem.

– Decide syrup on leg is always a big problem.

– Re-launch hunt for black tights.

– Find pair almost immediately and put on. Celebrate.

– Discover huge run down other leg. Curse violently.

– Suddenly realize that it is the same pair as before, only I have put them on backwards.

– Briefly regret dreadful lack of ass that would prevent this mistake. Move on.

– Try to wash syrup off leg of favourite brown pants.

– Fail, but try to work out if I have enough syrup off pants to pass for clean.

– Remember any degree of syrup is bad. Curse.

– Go to teenage daughters drawer and search for black tights that she has not cut the feet off of in a moment of misguided vogue.

– Find pair. Celebrate.

– Remember that daughter is 5′ 8 and I am…..not.

– Decide that if tights fall down the extra will collect in boots. Not a problem.

– Put on daughters black tights. Feel grateful that I will be far away when she discovers that I have taken same.

– Discover daughters tights have huge hole in crotch.

– Contemplate.

– Decide that chain of events that will reveal large crotch hole is, even for me….unlikely. Put on skirt.

– Take deep breath, wonder if anyone else has this much trouble getting dressed.

– Go downstairs. Pour cup of coffee. Walk to desk.

– Sit down and pour entire cup of coffee on lap. Curse violently.

– Go back upstairs. Take off skirt and spike it violently onto floor by brown pants.

– Spend unreasonable amount of time trying to decide what’s worse. Syrup on brown pants, or coffee on charcoal skirt.

– Realize that all of this is moot because I still have not found my bra.

– Go lie in traffic.

245 thoughts on “How it goes”

  3. Yeah, that’s how it is at my house every single day. Too bad we can’t just run out in public in pajamas. I have great pajamas.

  4. LOL I hate mornings like that. Especially when you live in a 450 sq. ft. apartment and really, how can ANYTHING get lost in a space that tiny?

  6. hhhmmm… coffee and syrup – all you’re missing are waffles! Of course, you can wear either and refuse to take off your winter coat. No one would be none the wiser.

  7. I feel your pain, my sister.
    Every. Single. Time I have to put on better-than-jeans.
    Wonder how ever made it to adulthood with grown-up job and mortgage intact.

  9. That sort of describes how things happen as I get dressed for work, now that I have to actually where something resembling business clothes to work. Ahhh…how I long for the days of wearing jeans and t-shirts to the office!

  11. I just love you so much.
    This makes my daily contemplation of “getting dressed” followed by pulling on the same pair of unwashed jeans as for the last week seem almost… sensible.

  13. *snort*. The funny thing is that I almost did run out to the grocery store this morning in my pajamas. And why can’t we run out in public with them? If they look nice, who’s going to notice in December?
    The ratty pairs of underwear don’t have anything to do with any of the pairs that were thrown at you during your last tour, did they?

  14. ::sigh:: I thought I was the only who lived this this. Welcome to my world… thanks so much for writing about me… then I can just direct people here so they too can view my life.
    Only — not the *ss part… I only WISH I didn’t have so much… or belly… or thighs… Yeah — maybe it’s not my life, but it was funny anyway!!
    Have you started your list yet?
    Do laundry.
    Buy some tights (of each color).

  15. PS – If you were inclined to tell someone your bra size, I’m pretty sure we could get a group at the next book signing to chuck bras this time.

  16. Hold onto the ratty old underpants for traveling–you can just throw them away as you go instead of washing them again. I always try to pack clothes for any long trip that can be discarded. My system worked until I got to Bangkok–the maid in the hotel kept fishing my clothes out of the wastecan and folding them neatly in the closet!

  18. This is just the sort of thing that happens to me when I try to move beyond jeans-and-tshirt! Only you could make it funny! Thanks you. I think I should print this one and pin it on the closet door.

  19. Situations like this are exactly why I wear the same thing almost every day. Having multiples of your clothing is the best. It means I can still be sleeping while I’m getting dressed. No need to really wake up until I’m driving to work, and even then it’s sort of a crap shoot.

  20. Sounds like a doozy of a day. I put in a second for public pajama wearing. If only you could get away with it after the age of 15!

  21. I never laugh out loud at blogs. Ever. But today I’m still laughing. I also debate about how much syrup is acceptable on my clothing. The answer is always the same, but sometimes a lack of pants demands contemplation. ” Briefly regret dreadful lack of ass that would prevent this mistake. Move on.” Ha!

  26. And really, haven’t we all had days like this? Kudos to you for writing about it with humour, especially when it comes to a choice between laughter, crying, or screaming at innocent bystanders. Or maybe lying in traffic.

  27. Now add “kitten lurking under bed decides to attack nylon octopus being dangled before her nose” and you have MY morning on the days I foolishly decide to wear anything involving nylons.
    My students are looking at me. They think I’ve finally lost it. Little do they know—I lost it a long time ago!

  28. And I thought I was the only one that packed ahead of time like that. Oh goodness, thank you for the laugh (I need to handwash sweaters NOW before my trip coming up, thank you for the reminder!)

  29. -remember glorious lack of ass, cheer up, decide anything you choose to wear is by definition the best. Start new fashionable color combination.

  30. YOU need to know this.
    The purpose of those ratty underwear is for traveling, wear them once and toss them. No travel underwear to wash or bring home.
    With all the traveling you do, that drawer will be cleaned out in no time.
    (Hopefully you won’t get strip searched at the airport)

  31. ROFL!!!
    Dear Yarn Harlot,
    You don’t even have to think about the hole in the crotch of the tights because the rip won’t make its way down the legs to the toe until the afternoon.
    Nobody looks at legs after 3 p.m., and since it’s winter, it gets dark at 4 p.m. so they won’t be able to see it anyway. Absolutely nothing to worry about there.

  32. Ah, your misfortunes are always good for a hearty laugh – by your readers. You know, we knitters contribute donations for so many good causes – I’m wondering: should we start a fund for Stephanie’s travel clothes? Something like, 2 pairs of trousers, 2 pairs of jeans, several tops to wear underneath the beautiful hand-knit sweaters, something to replenish the drawerful of ratty underpants, and perhaps a couple of “travel” bras. You could wash these items periodically and repack them for the next trip. Sound good to you? No, wait, what am I thinking – what would we laugh about on your behalf and feel such kinship with you!!

  33. Oh no!!! Though I’m sure it was not funny while it was happening, it’s really quite hilarious now! I hope you found something suitable before you resorted to the ‘lie in traffic’ part of the plan, and are safe on your way to whichever fun & exotic place you are visiting! =)

  35. I have what I call “Mrs. Lincoln” days, a phrase which may only work for American readers. It comes from a saying (which I did not originate)that runs thusly: “But tell me, Mrs. Lincoln, other than that, what did you think of the play.”
    I also sometimes refer to it as having the “Anti-Midas touch,” when everything turns to feces.
    I’m sorry it was your turn today.

  36. P.S., bras are overrated anyway. Ask for 50 pairs of black tights for Christmas (and maybe some new underpants?)

  40. Favorite brown pants? I love mine because coffee in the lap doesn’t show. It’s coffee down the front of white shirt before hitting the front door that does me in every time.
    I too have great pajamas and have appeared in public in them. True, I was recovering from surgery and people in pajamas is not a terribly shocking sight at a hospital. I WAS outside in the parking lot, however.
    Stay away from traffic and buy yourself some new underpants.

  41. Sorry your day started on the wrong foot, so to speak, but thanks for making mine…Hope you gave Murphy & his laws the boot out the door!!!

  42. Poor, poor Steph! Methinks you need a full-time laundress. I’m available, but the commute (from California) would kill me.
    I hope all is well by now. And I hope your family stuffs your stocking with, well, stockings.

  43. hummm… if daughter is 5’8″, and you are not, how about borrowing a pair of shorts? They would come about mid-knee, team them with the tights and boots and you have a fashion statemwnt worthy of a New York runway.

  46. Black and brown can go together, if you wear them with a little attitude. Very fashion forward. Saw it on the streets of London last month. Especially good if there’s some tweed or knits in the mix.

  47. OMG!!!!ROFL, not cuz you described my days a few years ago to a “T” but also to Lisa D amd the kitten lurking under the bed attacking the octopuss!! I have 2 glorious little boys who love to attack anything moving and lucky for me I dont wear nylons or tights…tho…MIL just aquired their sister and shes as playful as them, and MIL DOES wear nylons!!! Thanks Lisa D and Dear Harlot for the laugh induced tearing, good thing I’m home alone. And yes all 4 of my little darlings are looking at me as if I just lost what little of my mind was left, why’d you ask?

  48. Come to think of it, didn’t Joe take over your laundry room as an office? Couldn’t he be running the laundry while he’s working? Multi-tasking– very 21st Century.

  49. You know, it’s those short trips out of town that are a biotch. You know you don’t have to pack a lot of stuff, so you don’t do laundry and then when you go to pack / dress, and realize that you’re screwed because the only clean thing you own is a misguided Susan Bristol holiday sweater that makes you look like a plucky 4th grade teacher. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)

  50. You are just too dang funny!!! Thanks for making me laugh (and occasionally cry) with each blog entry. You are just so awesome!
    Tammy

  51. I have *so* had this day … best to shop when you arrive at your destination! I look at this as an opportunity to plug holes in my wardrobe. Plus, it’s less to pack if you just buy some new stuff when you get there (provided you have scheduled the time of course).
    Good luck and safe travels!
    Virginia

  52. I think you need more clothes and specifically outfits (whole shebang..undies, boots, tights, skirt/pants, tops) that are left hanging in the closet, solely for the ‘Traveling Harlot’. All in Harlot-Intermixing-Colors. Not that one has time for configuring this type of thing, but being a public figure and all with a schedule that includes many varied activities done in small amounts of time with real deadlines, who must be stared at lots and travel lots and squeeze in the ‘go fast’ around her regular life…it could be good.

  53. I totally have had mornings where I am dreaming a similar wardrobe crisis related nightmare. This is of course made worse by waking up to the alarm and realizing I now have to get and get dressed all over again while being filled with terror that said nightmare will actually occur.

  54. Ah well… go for a nice pair of jeans? You really have got to have more articles of clothing than that. Come on!
    But if you have a pair of jeans, put on a nice blouse, add a coat, and duck your boots under the jeans, it looks alright.

  56. I swear, we must all be related. I’m remembering the day I went to work (on the bus) (during summer) wearing a top inside out. And one of the most unbelievable excuses for being late to work I ever had to give – that I’d gotten halfway to the bus stop before I discovered that while both my shoes were brown, they weren’t from the same pair.
    Yeah. I’m afraid you need a travel wardrobe, dear Harlot. Make it as painless as possible and go find a place where they have personal shoppers and let *them* do the mind-bending searching. Store the suckers in a clothing bag so all you need to do is grab it and pack. Toronto drivers will thank you. (Or would you like another T-shirt transfer: “Will tour for tights”? Though maybe you just need one that says “wardrobe”, and be done with it!)

  57. I’m trying to feel superior to you but it’s hard to do while I’m keeping my ratty underwear from throwing unraveling strings of elastic over my waistband!

  59. So sorry for your misery, but you are just too outrageously funny. Really, brown pants and charcoal grey skirt would be just fine this season. I mean, you must have a shawl that would pull it together, right? Unfortunately, now it sounds like you may need to convert said shawl to wrap skirt just to get out the door. In which case large hole in crotch area may become an issue. *snort*

  60. Harlot dear, if you really think “lack of ass” is contributing to your troubles, contact me re a donation. I’ve got ass and to spare.

  61. I solved the problem of the tights that are too long. I pin them to my bra. While I am wearing it, of course. Although, I have to admit, leaving the whole contraption pinned and removing it brings unwanted, yet hauntingly lingering pictures to mind.

  63. One word – Travelsmith. They have GREAT clothes for traveling that do not wrinkle, can be washed in the hotel sink in a pinch and last forever. Best of all, they are mostly black, therefore you would have never seen the coffee or the syrup! Safe travels.

  64. This all resembles my 13 year old’s morning hunt for clothes. She has at the most inconvenient time of trying to get the family out the door discovered that she doesn’t have any clean pants to wear, like it just dawned on her that she needs pants. Pants – you know, like the memory of wearing them almost daily for the past 13 years didn’t stick and this is a new concept… pants. But I am the one frazzled trying to get it in her head that she needs to put on clean pants. I am not above hauling her out the house in her pjs. (you have to be careful though – because she is also at the age where pjs in public is cool…)
    … and honestly – you adventure getting out the door is me as well. But add in when you finally feel like you are put together with silly putting and baling twine, there are the daughters who think they are ready to go out the door…

  65. As the manager (and ruler) of the house, I recommend delegating the clothes washing responsibilities to the eldest daughter, and the making sure Mum is ready for travels to another one, and keeping Mum clean while drinking coffee to another. A good use of child labor I’d say- have a great trip. Look forward to reading about the experience.

  67. Hmmmm. I thought you usually didn’t bother with the bra…?
    And in case “the blog” vote counts, I’d go for coffee on the skirt (probably less noticeable, folks might take it as uneven fading or the like). How about a laundry service where you’re going – or is there no overnight stay….?

  70. So, how long do we have to wait for that futuristic everyone-wears-the-same-silver-jumpsuit look? That would solve all our fashion issues. (Not to mention those jumpsuits are probably syrup/coffee resistant)
    I sympathize with the asslessness. I come from a long line of flat-arsed white folk. The full-bottomed don’t seem to think this is a problem but they are sorely mistaken. YOU try to sit on a wooden chair for a couple of hours with only your tailbone for cushioning!

  72. I understand how it can be with tights. Unfortunately, the hole in the crotch would have been found out. I had the same problem, but mine ended up on tape. For the senior prom. Thankfully this was brief and many years ago. I have since learned to not tempt the fates and their sick humor. Needless to say, almost all of my tights have runs and holes that I tempt fate with every winter. Go figure. 😛

  73. So here I sit in a training class reading Yarn Harlot (compelling training class, indeed). Now I’m laughing out loud in training class. Hmmm. How to explain. No, instructor, you did not say anything funny. No, I’m fine, really.
    Hysterical post!

  74. good thing I wasn’t drinking coffee (or anything else) while reading this, or it would be all over *my* skirt, via the nose.
    thanks for the laugh!

  76. Which is why I wear jeans almost exclusively-nothing you spill on them shows too much. My problem is I am always spilling on my chest area and even when I think the spot is gone-it’s not-it’s lurking-waiting to appear until I am out in public and see someone staring at the spot where I thought the spot “used” to be and when I look-there it is!! Just like Lady MacBeth.

  77. What to wear – ever an angst for me! Your very funny-but-sad tale resonated right through to my uncoordinated soul. In the world/other planet of fashion I have come to believe that there are two camps of individuals: those who match/always look well put together/stay that way and those who try/hardly ever match/look good for 5 minutes before spillage/crumple/hole appears. I am in the latter camp.
    What is your venue this time? i.e. maybe clothing as a non issue at the Naked Sheep or who cares at Twisted Sisters????
    Bon chance!

  79. I’m sorry to be laughing at your misery, but it’s so good to know that I’m not alone! (having spilled coffee onto a white shirt the first day of classes in the car with no time to go change, and all) I hope you found clothes, any clothes, to wear to the airport.

  80. I think we should take up a collection (separate from the BIG COLLECTION)and get you a subscription to “Tights of the week club” and if that does not exist, just make arrangements to have….mmm… a half dozen of brown, black, grey and blue tights sent over to you…like right now.
    I know what it is like to be fishing through the drawers and finding tights that a) have holes, runs, etc. or b) for some crazy reason are holdovers from when the kids were like two years old (this has actually happened to me more than once so I’m thinking that the baby tights multiply in there in the dark). Especially when time, as they say, is of the essence. And when it is damned cold (from the Canadian and Upstate New York style where it sounds like you are walking on styrofoam when you walk on the snow – we’re talking single digits and negative digits here). That is when all useable tights skitter away like hermit crabs.
    A collection. That’s the ticket.

  82. Laughing, nodding, snorting…been there and definately done that.
    Before I laugh to loud to long I better go upstairs and check my outfit choice. I have an interview in 1.5 hrs for an internship.
    Green slacks, tweedy blazer and sweater vest (knitted)…mental note…no syrup, no coffee. Concern…I am NOT assless…quite the opposit oh geeze! when was the last time I wore those slacks? 5Lbs, 10 lbs ago?
    ACK

  83. *snort!* Thank you for this post (which, by the way, describes my average Tuesday morning). You made me actually LOL. Bon Courage!

  84. Oh gosh, that does make for an audible read on my part. But I’m jealouse – your have 3 other closets to raid. If it isn’t in my closet…I’m plain out of luck! (Though those Hanna Anderson tights are mighty stretchy – think I could fit into my 5yr olds in pinch? Hah – now that I type this – it may happen for the annual holiday party…sheesh.)
    After having 3 children- I have learned- get dressed at the last possible moment before you put your jacket on and leave the house. Once the jacket is on – at least coffee, vomit, snot and whatever else just washes off (thank the fates for waterproofing and stain resistent stuff!).
    But I never knit in light colors – its guaranteed to atract coffee, tea and kid stains!

  85. Wait! Go back to the brown pants!
    Then apologize immediately upon meeting new folk – something about how you are so upset about that sloppy person eating a pocket waffle at the airport. And you with no opportunity to change…
    It could work…

  86. What you always forget at times like this is that we love you for being you, and that clothing hasn’t a thing to do with that.
    In fact, you dress just right – like a real knitter – everyday clothes, comfortable, just right for knitting, regardless of spills and runs. It makes us all feel like we belong to the same tribe.

  87. Am I the only one who likes the way brown looks with charcoal? Maybe I have more problems dressing myself than I thought…

  88. I am firmly convinced that you are the only group of people who can relate to the sheer idiocy of me, in a suit, on all fours with my head under the bed begging–begging– a 17 pound poodle to please–please– go outside right this very minute to pee because I couldn’t be late to a closing as the bank attorney had to catch a train immediately after and made me promise the day before that everyone–everyone– would be on time!
    How do we all get through our days and live to tell about it? 🙂

  89. This is hilarious. I join those who say you need a travel wardrobe. I would go so far as to keep it in the suitcase AFTER I made sure it was clean after the last outing. (That’s where my travel Ott light lives now so I won’t forget it) This reminds me of the time I was driving to court to argue a case before a federal judge (kind of like going before St. Peter). I spilled some coffee on my skirt. I had no choice. I turned the skirt around backwards so the judge wouldn’t see it and I shudder to think what the other lawyers in the court room thought when I walked up to the podium. Oh well, it was a long time ago. Betsy

  90. Order tights in multiples from One Hanes Place or your preferred place (I order six at a time, all black as I have no use for any other color of tights) and if/when you get a run or hole in a noticeable spot, THROW THEM AWAY the minute you get home. Otherwise, you’ll absentmindedly drop them into the hamper, wash them, roll them up and toss them into your drawer without noticing said run/hole until you put them on again and end up having a morning like the one you just had. (But DANG, Stephanie, you made that hilarious!)
    And here’s a solution that will take care of too-long or too-short tights: Wear a pair of panties or a thong on the outside of the tights. Don’t laugh – that works!

  91. *sniff*
    I know we are sisters. Even if my parents don’t.
    Cept- there is usually cat barf involved at my house- and only when I;m going somwhere to speak…
    Alternate solution- wear the skirt and holey tights- when someone mentions it- say “Oh crap! Why did you run my tights and spill coffee on me???”
    PS- least you have girls to borrow crotchless tights from- around here- it’s all boy-briefs and longjohns……with the ocassional couture piece of camouflage.
    Nothing remotely borrowable. It all smells like teenage boys.
    Best wishes for tights and black pants—
    Guess we know what Santa should bring you;)

  93. Normally, I feel totally and completely inferior to you. Your knitting is so lovely (and fast); your wit sho sharp; your life so interesting…you’re just a goddess to so many of us. Today, however (while I can relate to your experience), I can feel ever so slightly superior – I am at work, dressed in an outfit that has no runs, no stains (visible or invisible) and underwear that is clean and presentable. Don’t get me wrong, it doesn’t happen every day. But I do have to do it a lot more than you since I go to the office every day. But at least, in the midst of my crazy, wheel-spinning work day in which I feel that I may not have accomplished anything, I can give myself a pat on the back for getting up and getting dressed without having encountered any problems.
    thanks!

  94. This was a bad, bad thing to read at work. ::tries to explain to supervisor why she was laughing so hard::

  95. Hysterical….all the more reason to be known as the Yarn Harlot who always wears jeans, but looks good and color coordinated every time…..imagine, great jeans, hand knit socks, hand knit sweater….no one will ever notice that it’s not a skirt or your favorite pants!

  96. You crack me up. I can’t relate to the flat arse comment, having a plentiful pear myself, but you’re still funny.

  97. I’m very glad I read this *after* I finished packing for my flight today. I was just about as spastic — You Are Not Alone.
    The question of what knitting to bring was ameliorated by realizing I will be going to Artfibers and I can just start a whole new project. Aha!

  98. make a list of your
    clothing needs when
    you are to travel -keep it
    posted on the blog- and
    hundreds of us will see
    you get dressed and out
    of the house and on your way
    do try to give us a little notice
    at least a minute or two and next of kin

  99. I feel very sorry for you. I know how that goes…just ask me how I know. Hope things work out and you are able to find something to wear.

  100. Just a point for possible future reference:
    If your daughter was cutting just the feet off the tights, to make them more like the leggings that are so huge right now… then, you could probably put on a pair of socks (gotta keep the toes warm), put the now-footless tights on over them, and no one would know the difference inside the boots. And I would think any sagging of the tights would also stay in the boots.
    I am sure you came up with a perfectly fine solution, using your resourceful knitter skills!

  102. Oh man! I love your blog, but this entry made me laugh so hard I cried. Thanks! And good luck with the pants/bra thing 🙂

  103. I was pretty sure you were going to say that you thought you were dressed when in reality you were still naked from the waist up.
    I’m sure you pulled it all together! Hope it’s a good trip!

  104. Thank you for making me smile. It’s been a VERY long day and it is nice to hear that someone else has days like me. Hope you have a great trip 🙂

  105. I didn’t have clean pants till just a little while ago. I went out of the house this morning in purple dotted pj pants with a green ribbon at the cuff, orange and yellow hand knit socks, my jacket, and no bra to take the kids to school.

  107. to add to julie’s, if your daughters have cut the feet off, why not just cut the extra leg off? tights can be claimed as tossed because ‘why would anyone cut the feet off of tights?’
    (really, why *would* anyone cut the feet off?)

  108. Okay I’m sorry I laughed so hard! Yes I have had days like that. Then there is a moment of pause when I consider looking for a shirt and vest from hubby’s closet to cover the no bra. At my age? Naaaa find the bra. Smiles

  109. I’m such a disaster when I need to get presentable for things like work — each day. matching clothes no longer matters, if its clean I wear it, if it matches, well that’s an added bonus!!!

  111. Had to wear pantyhose for job interview. Hadn’t worn pantyhose in 11 months (at least!). Got out pantyhose with no runs at all (!!!). Wore pantyhose. Way too big. WAY too big. Had wrinkly ankles all day. Yuck! Even when I win the clothing war, I lose! I feel your pain. Julie

  112. “I’m pretty sure we could get a group at the next book signing to chuck bras this time”
    WOW! that is so completely funny awesome!

  113. I do something similar daily, especially since my dryer has been on the blink since before Thanksgiving.
    But I never regret “lack of ass.” In fact, I usually cry because I seem to have been gifted by the Ass Fairy. Enormously gifted. Recently, an additional LARGE gift has been added to my backside.
    I’m down to wearing yoga pants about six out of seven days and the other day, I just stay in my pajamas.

  114. Steph: Give in. Go to the store and get yourself some clothing! I know, I know, it’s just before Christmas and clothes shopping is not on Lene’s list (but then, you’re ahead of schedule, right?) Just do it. It’s just one afternoon of pain but in the long run, it’s worth it.
    Maybe you could even expense it? Where is your Wonder Publicist when you need her most?

  115. At this point, there is only one solution: shopping. And I say this despite being an anti-shopper not likely to ever indulge in retail therapy.

  116. Yes…I have this much trouble getting dressed. Way too often to admit. Kudos to you for being brave enough to share with the blogosphere your experience.
    After a morning like that it’s always good to knit a few rows.

  118. Yep, and I thought I was having a bad day. Thank you so much for lifting my mood, as always. Have a good trip!

  119. I was rooting for the “wear one leg from each pair of tights” solution until you discovered they were actually the same pair. I used to do this all the time when I had a job that required dressing up. Now i just have to find a shirt in some shade of red and a pair of jeans/capris/shorts that I don’t mind ruining, and I am ready to go (I restock a store at night when there are no customers around).
    Then there was the six years I spent working for an ambulance company – navy blue uniforms, no decisions! Awfully hot in the summer though.
    Thanks for putting the clothing crises around here in perspective. At least none of my kids have a plane to catch every morning.

  121. Wow – ! I went through that every single day when I worked full-time. No matter what I did to prepare the night before, that was my morning. Now I have a better schedule but every once in a while I have a morning like that which sends me right back to my former days. Not a happy memory. I hope you made it out the door on time and are safely on your way in clean, matching, stylin’ clothes!

  123. I shouldn’t read your blog when I have a hacking cough … it hurts to laugh so much 😉 Have a safe trip!!

  124. Wow. I never knew laughing could hurt so good… I think I swallowed an adenoid while reading your post. Something tells me you should be prepared for an onslaught of tossed tights at your next speaking engagement (or just publish your trouser size… you’d never want for clean pants again!) Thanks for the hoot. Now, where did I leave my clean drawers??? Cami

  125. I have a solution! Wear your coat on the trip and knit yourself an outfit en route. You probably will need to find the bra, although there is a lovely bra pattern in that Knitting Lingerie Style book…how long a trip is this?

  127. I distinctly remember people throwing underwear at you on at least one occasion. (There was photographic eveidence of this.) You didn’t bother to pack it up and bring it home? Or did you donate it along with the hats? I hope you realize people might now be mailing you underwear and tights.

  128. I hope that someone in your family has taken your clothes to the dry cleaners and will retrieve them before you return from your trip. It’s the least they can do, considering that the syrup spill probably occurred while you were making breakfast for them.
    Accept the fact that you are a grown-up and that you need an appropriate level of clothes for your life. Take advantage of the exchange rates and go to some website and order things. You can mail it all back if it doesn’t fit. Maybe Lene can go to the post office for you.

  129. I’m soooo glad I’m not the only one who has mornings like that! I had to rob a suit of its pants yesterday because I woke up and realized I hadn’t done laundry… We’re all too busy knitting to worry about the little things like clean pants. 🙂

  130. Jeans. All I have to say is jeans. I have not managed to find any wearable non-maroon tights in the last 3 months and have, as yet, failed to rememeber to purchase such things. Clean jeans have to be better than runs and stains, right?

  131. I think we’ve all been there…I heard a quote once [it was refering to new mothers, but it fits here] that said that some days are a success if you manage to get dressed! Ayup…
    BTW, is there room in Lene’s schedule for you to lie in traffic?? Or will you be knitting as you have that little lie-down? 😛

  132. Stephanie, you are such a joy to read! I really did Laugh Out Loud when I got to the coffee part. Sorry is was at your expense, but thank you for sharing!

  133. Thanks i needed that, my fun was this am when the puppy decided that eating a glass ornament would be a good idea, he was less than pleased as I pried his jaws apart to retrieve it from him.

  134. Sorry, but this is really, really funny. I’m sure it wasn’t funny at the time… but you describe it so well. I haven’t laughed so much in ages.
    Thanks for sharing your trials, tribulations, runs, holes, and spills.

  135. And jeans are bad because?
    (I managed to dump a cup of coffee on my lap on the way to Walmart for cat litter this morning. Bleh.)

  136. “Sit down and pour entire cup of coffee on lap. Curse violently.”
    I spat coffee out of my mouth into my monitor I laughed so hard…

  138. That’s why I keep a tide to go pen in my purse. I’m a stain magnet. Sure, it won’t get out syrup but it does manage tea stains (and probably coffee).
    Perhaps the brown pants should be stored carefully for emergencies.

  139. Pack all ratty underpants in the suitcase. Use and throw away or use to throw at nasty spiders in the shower!!! Buy lots of tights. And put them on your Christmas list. And tell those people who throw underpants to throw tights next time – Black!!! You are so funny – Thanks!

  140. -got home from work to discover that white cat had slept all day on black corduroy pants.
    -made special trip to dryer with pants and moistened towel
    -proudly de-furred pants
    -removed pants from dryer
    -folded neatly
    -ate, blogged, knitted, slept, woke
    -cannot find pants.
    you, my dear, are not alone.

  143. Well, I think we’re all agreed we knew that skirt was doomed as soon as you mentioned the cup of coffee.
    These kind of days for others are amusing to those of us observing, but just reinforce my gratefulness that I got the organized and prepared gene from some unknown and distant relative. Less amusing but saves energy in the long run.
    Then I remember that my genes run hot and cold and I usually have a heap of clutter on top of the neat file boxes. But what I need will be there, somewhere.
    Hope you made the flight fully dressed and enjoy wherever your trip takes you. Though if you need clean non-jeans and a bra I assume it’s not for pleasure.

  144. Maybe you need to ask Lene to add travel plans to her schedule for you since her Christmas knitting schedule is working so smoothly. Hope the lying in traffic didn’t add any other disasters to your day.

  145. Perhaps (combining brilliant suggestions from several other commenters) we should organize next time and throw complete, coordinated travel outfits. Vinyl ones. With a roll of paper towels for wiping up.

  146. Best argument I ever heard for my solid wardrobe of jeans, t-shirts and sweatshirts with granny panties and sportbras. Skirts? Tights? Nah. Sweaters, hats, scarves go over all.

  147. I have been having a really suckass day, all day.
    Now I know that there really are people out there worse off than me. I shall revel in this realization.
    Thanks.

  148. This could be me! I’ve actually taken two pairs of nylons before with runs in them and cut the offending legs off and worn both good legs with two waistbands. The result is that they’re crotchless and drafty, but my stomach rolls are firmly held in place.
    Thank you for sharing a moment that makes you human rather than the Superknittingwritingcomedian who we all know and worship.

  149. You could always do what I do, put on what you normally wear (for me jeans, t-shirt, sweater, and cowboy boots) and called yourself dressed. I don’t have nice pants or nice skirts either, syrup or no syrup. Only formal black clothes for concert performances which are not suitable for anything else. Wear your jeans and a gorgeous handknit sweater (somehow I think you can find one of those) – and be your perfectly perfect self. Safe travels.

  150. Stephanie,
    I know what you mean, but no one else can put it in such a humorous way.. you always keep my sides aching with laughter!

  151. Oh darlin’ you’ve turned my frown upside down!! I actually had the gall to feel sorry for myself today and hoped there’d be something funny posted when I visited your blog…Well, my “pity-party” has morphed into a “chuckle-fest”. Thanks for saving the day. Again.
    Cheers, Barbie O.

  153. Clearly this is Lene’s fault. Isn’t laundry supposed to be included in your schedule? 🙂

  156. You poor child. You need a travel outfit that is worn only for your travels and lives (after being cleaned upon return home) in your travel suitcase! No planning required before leaving home, except for knitting projects and yarn. How perfect could that be??

  157. I could not possibly laugh any more, or feel more sympathy. Now try doing that every freakin morning, in the dark so as not to wake the kids, because that then results in banana or some other messily obvious substance being smeared on what was theoretically a somewhat clean outfit. Arive at work to discover said outfit is NOT acceptable, usually because of piles of cat hair stuck to whatever I picked. I wear a lot of black as it always matches, and have packing tape at work for the cat hair. I live for friday – jeans day.
    Thanks for the laugh.

  158. ROFLMAO!!
    Oh, Lord.. I needed that laugh today. I couldn’t stop laughing for several minutes. Amazing how that makes everything seem a little more possible.
    LOVE your blog.
    Hmmm. Maybe you should add “Wash Laundry” the day before you have to leave…. But then again, if you had, I wouldn’t have had the joy of a five minute belly laugh. Happy travels Steph.

  159. This feel somewhat futile when the list of previous posts is so long, but,,,,,,,why don’t you wear the warm thick cottony-lycra kind of tights, especially now that it’s so cold? Also, since when does gray and brown not match? I see sheep wearing that color combo all the time 🙂

  160. I feel your pain. I used to own a cockatiel who would leave her little poop on my shoulder before I left the house to go to work. The days I decided not to check would be a ‘present’ day. A white dropping did not compliment any jacket/skirt corporate ensemble I owned but it sure was a funny for the people I worked around who checked my shoulders discreetly and not so discreetly. Oh well. A little poop and a little laughter never hurt anyone.

  162. …uniforms! We nurses have it made – we practically work in our pajamas. Just add an ID tag, some pin that says “RN” and wrap a stethoscope (or circular needles) around your neck and voila!you’re a professional!

  163. Oh, yes, been there, felt that…. If this wasn’t the Internet I’d tell my story about the bright orange tights, the worn elastic waistband and the safety pin that popped….
    When you found the ‘second’ but opposite pair of run tights, I was rooting for you cutting off the bad legs on each and combining. Should have known the universe was laughing.
    Stay calm and stick to the schedule.

  164. The part about regretting the lack of ass so you can tell the front of your tights from the back?
    Dude, you can totally have some of mine if it would help. If we are the same blood type, we can do the world’s first ass transplant.
    For just one eerie minute, I thought we might have been packing together, except with me the choice was jeans or khakis, and the coffee didn’t land on my lap till the king-sized guy in front of me on the airplane smacked his seat into the Lazy-Boy position.
    As for the ratty undies? Travel with ’em, dude. And toss ’em when they’re soiled.

  166. If you take out the ass comment and replace daughter with roommate, this is me getting ready for a performance! Even when I try to ameliorate the situation by buying at least 3 pairs of tights at a time, they all disappear, and I’m merely left with the old ones with runs that I meant to put in the “roving dye wrapper” category.

  167. Whoo hoo hooo! What a laugh! I don’t think you should EVER berate your lack of ass. It’s a lot harder to subtract than add ass—take it from someone who knows!! I usually discover toothpaste on my clothes. . . or baby drool.

  168. I’ve been in the most craptastic mood and reading this – out loud to my mom, no less – brought me right out of it. Thank you!!!!

  170. If it makes you feel any better, my sister locked herself out of the house in her bathrobe this morning in the midst of getting ready for work. Unfortunately, no one was inside to let her back in! Tomorrow will surely be better for both of you.
    I hope you had a safe trip.

  171. I am kind of sorry for your clothing malfunctions, but at least you can congratulate yourself on supplying the push to get me going on my laundry!

  172. I once managed to make it through an entire morning’s appointments (customer facing) without realizing that one of my girls had splatted a dollop of porridge on my shirt and it looked like I’d had a big sneeze.

  173. Thank you for making me laugh out loud! Last night I caught up on “hand washables” (including tights) and realized I can now get dressed for next weeks Company Christmas party. (very) happy coincidence.
    P.S. syrup never shows up on black, don’t ask how I know.

  174. -Laughed so hard couldn’t breathe. Shared with roommate. She laughed heartily as well. Made day of hating my college peers much better.
    Thank you!

  175. Actually, I just realized that I should share this tight wearing secret with you: Buy upwards of 6 pairs of each color that you wear. Seriously! I used to be in band/orchestra/choir and I could NEVER find tights so I just bought 6 pairs of black ones and it lasted until the end of high school.

  176. Thank you for letting all of us know that we are not alone…and that you aren’t either! Days like this are frustrating and unfortunately not atypical. Ah well, knit on! That’s what keeps me going!

  177. And I thought I was the only one with the “dreadful lack of ass” problem…I feel much better now. Ass-less women unite!! Hope you at least had a good flight.

  178. Your morning sounds like my week. I hope your weekend gets better, happy travels, and may you travel near me soon ( cough, Jacksonville, Florida..cough)
    Oh yea It’s supposed to be 80 degress here tommorow. Sun, sand and beach….
    Jeans are always acceptable.

  179. Yes, I have that much trouble getting dressed – sometimes more – but only when I am going on a date. The room always looks like a cyclone hit it afterwards.

  180. I have poured Mango smoothie (and water and the peanuts that was dinner tonight) all over the traveling clothes at the Newark Airport tonight, and since my spinning wheel and yarn are in Chicago and I’m in Indianapolis and the extra clothes have gone to Portland I’m now trying to dab the remains of the smoothie off my sweater. Thank you for your advice about taking clean clothes in your carry-on bag, although I’m worried about the wheel and yarn I am in clean pajamas and have my medication and clean (fancy lady clothes not suitable for traveling) clothes for tomorrow!

  181. You kill me, you just kill me. I’m sitting here laughing my head off and feeling bad for you, and remembering why I gave up tights many, many years ago. You’d think with all the nano technology we have now that they’d figure out how to make tights that don’t run. Next book signing, we will all bring tights and undies for you.

  182. You know, December 1st is New Underpants Day, the day when we all throw away our ratty old underpants and buy at least one new pair. How sad is it that I had to invent this holiday so that my friends and I would remember that a particular pair of underpants should not be an article of clothing one fondly remembers wearing to a frat party in college? At least not if said underpants still reside in your top drawer and are in somewhat regular rotation. And you are a lady of somewhat advancing years.

  184. Yes, its time to go shopping. I have a bag of tricks to deal with dressing. 1)Wait till after your meal and tooth brushing to get dressed. 2)Buy the simplest clothes to wear. My formula is dark-almost the same color and style pants-with harmonizing tops that don’t need ironing. I can dress without looking to see if it goes together because all the possible combinations work. 3)The best trick is to spray them with a fabric protector (like ScotchGuard) and stock up on laundry booster. The absolute best is Biz! I gave it to my daughter-in-law and she loves it as much as I do. P.S. Few are really happy with their bodies. I used to sell clothing and the important thing is clothes that are cut well in shades that flatter your colouring.

  186. LOL!!!Oh my God, we really must be long lost sisters (except you got all the knitting genes lol!!!!) Somehow you’ve taken the Twilight Zone into my life. Well, except you get to do all the fun traveling. Hey! I really did get the short end of the stick! I do crap like that all the time. Sometimes I’m just a catastrophe with legs. Thanks for sharing your hysterical story and letting me know I’m not the only one out there like that! Have a safe trip and do a little clothes shopping for yourself when you get home.

  187. P.S. Seconding the person who said to do your laundry after each trip and repack the suitcase immediately, so it will be ready for the next one. Yes, this requires owning a few extra sets of underwear and tights. Include a spare comb, hairbrush, whatever. Do it, it’s worth it. I’ve kept my suitcase packed that way for twenty years, and it has spared me endless hassle.

  188. Brilliant! I really did think that it was only me who had mornings like that! At present, I have to dress myself and two young children, so on really bad days I endure this whole type of scenario three times over!

  189. Okay, thanks for the chuckle bright and early on a Friday morning! Some days it just does not pay to get out of bed!!
    I am going to have my kids read this post – they can then see that there is one other person in North America that uses the word “underpants”. They have been telling me for years that that item you put on “under your pants” are in fact underpants – they are called something else entirely. Which lead to a conversation about how a thong was NOT underpants!!
    Contemplating the mountain of laundry in the laundry room – I think I may have clean tights I could send you!!
    Have safe travels!!

  190. oh god.
    OK, you make me laugh quite often but this time I made the squeeking noises too and some water came out of my eyes as I tried not to spit chocolate on the keyboard.
    The really sad thing? I was rejoicing when you found the 2nd pair of black tights because if you have two pairs of tights that have runs on opposite legs, you can actually cut the “bad” leg off both pairs and wear them both at once and nobody knows unless they look up your skirt.
    Don’t ask how I know this.

  191. I busted out laughing at work, and all my co-workers were like “What’s so funny?” I told them that the Knitting Queen just cracked me up!. I have the same problem every Sunday morning getting ready for church. I feel your pain.

  192. Cracking up and choking a little. Coffee just came out my nose. But remember . . . we’re not laughing at you . . . we’re laughing with you.

  194. Maybe it’s time to have Lene schedule OTHER things in your life as well? Like planning for trips and getting dressed in the morning and such?
    Safe travels!

  195. Too funny!
    I have had many, many days like this. However, my child is five, so I can’t raid her dresser.
    Hope the trip is better than the clothing search!

  196. LOL! I have always *tried* to have my clothes ready the night before but *try* is the operative word here and stumbling around not trying to wake the household finding my clothes is what I don’t have to *try* to do. Same with my lunch – it never seems to get made the night before despite my best efforts. Safe journey.

  197. Be careful! They’ll be pelting you with tights next. And ow can you not have any good undies with all the granny panties you were pelted with last time?!

  198. Were you watching my last trip preparations. We’re long lost secretly separated twins….I’m the older, wider one (we’re about the same height).

  202. I needed a good laugh and knew that you would provide it. Evey day is a new day and remember to keep on laughing!!(as well as knitting!!)

  204. If you have two pair of imperfect tights (presumably of the same color), cut the imperfect legs off each pair and put on the perfect legs only. Sure, you’ll have to double up on the top part, but each perfect leg will be represented below, saving a trip to the store. Voila!

  205. Dude…… wearing skirts….just remember…
    W.W.D.D? = What would Denny do?
    Hello remember me “Queen of the Skirts.
    Denny (me) wears brown tights with black skirts all the time. Remember the other day when you saw me, “new hair Denny?” No said I, just combed a new way. That day… black skirt,brown tights. I swear. Go head honey, brown tights,black skirt. Just comb your hair diffrent.
    Remember W.W.D.D?
    My god it should be a fricken Raverly group eh?

  206. I think this sounds like an invitation for a tighs-and-bra-trowing event for your next public appearance. Remember those underpants?
    I think you better post your correct size fast before people take a guess.

  210. I am SO scared. I’ll have to find tights or pants every day of the week, and frankly, dude, my normal clothing search sounds exactly like your morning. Just add blowdryer, wrong hair product, and blusher that my kid put in the face powder plus lighting that’s too low to notice the difference until husband asks why my face is so red and you’ve got it nailed.
    The salt stains on your pants from lying in the street will hide the syrup. Try not to break any bones, okay?

  211. It couldn’t be funnier she says while at work wearing a wet bra (my one and only bra that I left in the washing machine overnight) with holey tights – hey I coloured my leg with black marker so it hardly shows.

  212. Funny! I have this much trouble getting dressed too. Due to clothes that don’t fit the same after babies, complete lack of dressy clothes and an inability to wash clothes in a timely manner. Although skirts are never an option for me. I haven’t thought of a sum of money high enough yet that would make me put one on September.

  213. “Suddenly realize that it is the same pair as before, only I have put them on backwards. ”
    *That* was the part that killed me. I’m the kind of person that can’t read that without laughing and then feeling guilty about it because my empathy is too great. Then I sit and feel bad because I have SO had days like that (what person with three kids hasn’t?!). Your trip will be fabulous- get out of traffic!

  217. I laughed out loud, one of my 500 laughs we’re supposed to get every day. You are certainly contributing to everyone’s health. Thank you!

  218. When I rule the world, jumpsuit overalls will be acceptable wear for every occasion. Until then, you just described an average morning, except I don’t have any daughters/sisters/moms to borrow stuff from, or blame for undone laundry.

  219. Wow, I thought those things only happened to me! Get out of the traffic and go buy yourself a new pair of black tights 😉

  221. Oh My Gawd! I can not believe how hilarious you are. Oh wait – yes I can. But still? Really? You have GOT to stop living in my brain!

  222. Laughted ’till my sides hurt. Not only because it’s funny, but because I can relate. I probably would have stayed with the coffee skirt… I would have spilt more before the trip was over anyways. 🙂

  223. omg have you been watching me try and get ready to go somewhere in the morning? too much knitting, and too much crafting for Christmas has made me crazy. guess i will just get another cup of coffee…and where did i put my good (only pair that fits right)of jeans?

  224. Sheesh! I got to laughing so hard it triggered a small asthma attack! Hubby thinks I’ve lost my mind (he doesn’t know I’m reading your blog). Gasp, laugh, cough, gasp…..ha ha hahahaha where’s, gasp, hah cough hahahah my in hahahahaha haler gasp?

  225. Maybe you could have Lene produce a schedule called “I’m Leaving Tomorrow”, which would be an hour by hour of what you need to do. LOL

  226. I’m deciding that my co-workers must think I’m crazy because I’m sitting here laughing hysterically at the computer while reading your blog. Thanks for always brightening the day and hope the trip goes well 🙂

  227. At least you’ll still wear tights. I gave them up in high school. I can’t bring myself to buy something I’ll only get two wears out of, if I’m luck. I wore them once for a job a couple years ago, and it was one of the reasons I lasted four days.

  228. Uh, too late to help you now, I know, but I actually think brown and charcoal go very well together. Charcoal is sort of an alternative to black; it goes with almost everything.

  233. Um…is it me or are there others who wear underwear (non-rattatious) under the tights so that a hole in the crotch doesn’t really matter as long as it doesn’t create a hurkin’ big run later on?

  235. This happens here, too, only slower because I rarely have to go any place. I’d say it is also one of your all time best posts.
    Oh… the humanity!

  236. OMG!! I am crying I’m laughing so hard!!!
    There should be an award for the all-time best post on a blog every year…this post would definitely win the 2007 award! (who am I kidding, there probably is such an award)

  237. I am the 5’8″ daughter of a 5’3″ mother and even though I’m almost 33 and all grown up, the idea of my mother going through this once upon a time makes me laugh out loud.

  238. and when I was dressing for work today I knew I had some bras because I just did laundry… so I grabbed one.
    and lost it a few seconds later. It was under a cat.
    joyce

  239. What is it in our genetic makeups that leaves us ass-less? I know no one will give us sympathy, but it is a pain in the non-existent bum!

  244. Sorry, but I laughed out loud at work…life is so unfair for those of us who didn’t get bums.

Comments are closed.