Today’s the day. I’ve been trying to avoid it, I’ve done all I can to make it unnecessary, and yet, it has come.
I am going to the mall.
I made one last ditch attempt yesterday to shop in my neighbourhood, on foot, but I couldn’t get everything, and now there are five things left on the spreadsheet that Joe cannot get, that I can’t find, and even though five items is the smallest number ever, it means that I am going to the stinking mall. I am going to get in the car (that alone is remarkable. I drive my car about once a month. I am not fond of that thing either) and I am going to go to the one place where all the things I need are in one place, and I am going to go in, get the stuff and get out. The mall is the opposite of everything that I like about the world, and bad things have happened to me at the mall before, and so this year, I am taking extra precautions.
1. Last year (every year) I cannot remember what bloody door I came in and then I can’t find the car, and this ends up with me sobbing through the parking lot and I only find it right before I take the bus home and tell Joe to work it out. This year, I am taking a picture of where the car is, and of the door I go in, so that I have an escape route well planned.
2. I am leaving my coat in the car. It is better to be freezing for the three minutes that it takes to walk from the car to the door than it is to be sweaty, overheated in the mall for two hours while still trying to be nice to the lady in front of me in The Bay who is paying for her foundation garments with dimes while complaining about the quality of service. I want to extend her patience, but I just can’t do it with my coat on.
3. I am taking hand sanitizer, because other people don’t wash their hands, and a few years ago I got Noro Virus, and I’m sure it was at the mall, and it was the Nightmare Before Christmas. (I’m not a germaphobe, I swear. I don’t use seat protectors in the loo (because there is nothing you can catch through your thighs) and I don’t use a disinfecting anything in the house, but I know some of you are not washing your hands after the loo (or you are, but then you’re touching the taps and door handle again) and this year I’m just going to use the hand sanitizer a few times, and that way I can feel less nervous about the worlds hygiene. (If you care, turn on taps, wash hands with soap, get paper towel, dry your hands, turn off the taps with the towel, use the towel to open the door, discard towel. If I’m in a bathroom where the bin isn’t by the door, I know something.)
4. I have a list of the stores I have to go into. I am not going into any other stores. I am not adding a single thing to the list, I am not being swayed by panic, nor 50% off signs. I know what I need. I do not need more than that. I have enough wrapping paper (I checked) and everyone on my list has plenty. The list is all I am getting.
5. I am not even looking at the food court, never mind trying to find something to eat there.
6. I am taking my knitting in with me. It’s not like there’s knitting time, and it will be too crowded to knit while I am walking, but it’s a small comfort.
7. I am not going to let the way things are marketed to me shift the way I think Christmas should be, by wool. I am not going to be tricked into thinking that I’m not doing it right, that I didn’t buy people big enough presents, or that I need to buy them more for them to be happy. I am not going to be convinced that this family needs to dress differently, value different things, or stop baking our own cookies, and giving little kids books as presents. No matter how this season is presented at that place, their goal is to make me feel bad enough about what I have that I give them all my money so I can have better stuff, and therefore be happier. I will keep it in my mind the whole time I am there that I am not unhappy because I don’t have that stuff. I am unhappy because I am in a mall.
8. I am going to be like the wind. I am going to go in, strike like a ninja, and get out. I am going to be extra crazy nice to every other lunatic in there, and if I start feeling bad about it, I am going to remind myself that when I get back home, you can stick a fork in me, because I am done shopping.
9. I am going to smile, and be the nicest stinking lady in the mall. In the name of merino, I swear that every person who encounters me is going to have a better day for it.
10. I am putting a beer in the fridge for when I get home.
What’s Luis hanging today?
The wreath!
This morning there was no text from Carlos, because he had taken a picture of the thing, and sent me an email because (while he liked that ornament) he didn’t know the word for it in Spanish, because it’s not really a Spanish thing. “El Circulo de ramas?” he suggested – a circle of branches? We eventually settled on “Corona de Navidad” which is close enough. This one has no pattern either, though I was inspired by these ones, for sure. I cast on, worked in that pretty blackberry stitch for a while, then cast off, folded the knitting edge to edge, to make a tube, stuffed it lightly, and sewed it into a ring. Then I knit that bow to cover my seam.
Gifts for Knitters, day 17
Another simple one, though it can be hard, because to do it, you need to go to a yarn shop. Knitters well, like people who have a pub they always go to, a lot of knitters have “a local.” At this local, they might even know your knitter, and know what they would like. (Big tip, some yarn shops have gift registries – just like when you’re getting married, and you go the The Bay and put everything you would like on a list? The yarn shop might have that. Ask them.) If they don’t have a registry, and your knitter isn’t a frequent enough flier that they shop can advise you on what to get (because if they know your knitter, you should just give them a dollar value, and then step off. Take the bag they give you. Smile. Leave.) then you should get a gift certificate. Your knitter will like it a lot, and they’ll really like that you went to their local. It’s nice that you know where it is.
ugh, I hate going into the “maul” this time of year, because you get mauled there. good luck!
Best approach to the mall that I’ve ever heard (read). I may have to bookmark this so I can reread it when I have to go there myself!
Though so far this year, I have avoided it altogether. Yay, me!
This year I was able to access the one maul store I had to visit from its entrance which faces the parking lot. I called ahead, reserved the item. In. Purchase. Out. Done. No kiosks to tempt me. No blaring cacophony from stores each playing their own brand of holiday music simultaneously. I didn’t even have to leave my hearing aids in my car. Wahooooo.
I’ve avoided “shopping” at our maul for 25 years plus. I do go there every Friday night for Friday Night Knit Night at the book store but never venture into the actual maul it self.
In the winter, I only go to malls that have a cloakroom. Where I live (Quebec) most big malls have them, they’re just very discreet about it! 😉
I would never even dream of going to our mall (also Quebec) in the winter if they didn’t have the lockers for your coat. (Also my boots. My boots are waterproof and wonderful for the snow and slush, and since I take the bus everywhere, there’s a lot of that about. But my feet get tired in them very rapidly, so the first thing I do is change to a pair of regular shoes.)
Don’t let it get you crazy! You have a good plan, stick to it! And definitely use the hand sanitizer! People can be disgusting!
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Am I weird because I love the mall? Their marketing doesn’t stress me out, nor do crowds. I do like wandering through the mall for some mental relaxation when I’m stressed. Looking at all the pretty ‘made’ (designed by someone, somewhere) things boosts my creativity.
I’ll gladly shop for you!
Better to go mid-week than on the weekend. Be brave!
good luck at the Mall, I went two weeks ago and survived.
We believe in you!
Stephanie, I’ve been feeling homesick for Australia today. Thank you so much for the laughs. I get lost in malls, too and taking a photo is something I’m taking on board! I love reading about your Christmases each year. Reading about how much you love and value your family and all the hand made gifts, baking etc you do really made me smile.
Hi Sue,
Sending you love and Christmas wishes from Australia, from one knitter to another!
Anita
Hi Sue
More greetings from Australia. The sun is shining and stone fruit and mangoes fill the shops. The downside is that bushfires are raging in most States and the summer evenings are full of mosquitoes! Put a few drops of eucalyptus oil on a tissue and carry it in your pocket. It’s the scent of home….
Wool be with you.
All good wishes.
Sascha
Hi Sue
More greetings from Aussie land. The skies are blue and the weather warm. The cockies are screeching. Ill throw another sanga on the barbie for you
K
More positive vibes from Australia for you Sue!
It’s definitely summer where. The barefoot kids dance a corroboree across the bitumen and animals flop onto the cool tiles in the afternoons.
Knitting of woolen socks is replaced with cotton blends and air conditioners are turned up…
Hi Sue,
Yet another hello and Merry Christmas from an Aussie. I’m missing knitting (it’s too hot) but it’s lovely to have Christmases where the kids can jump on the trampoline and the kinder kids can give their concert outdoors, standing on the kinder’s big toy boat.
Stay warm, wherever you are.
Bindy (Melbourne)
You are a braver woman than I. Just thinking about going to the mall this week is making my mouth go dry!
I love your game plan for the mall. While I hate that place as much as the next person and try to avoid it at all costs, I think that everyone should pay heed and especially remember steps number 7 -10.
STEPS 7-10 PEOPLE, AND THE WORLD WILL BE A BETTER PLACE!
Good luck! Does your phone have a map app with GPS (such as Waze)? You can always take note of the coordinates where your car is parked (or a screenshot of where, approximately it is on your map app) for reference. I have done this many times and it has saved me from sobbing in an unfamiliar parking lot.
THAT is brilliant!!!!!
I worked retail for a number of years, so the maul has no special enticement for me. I hate dealing with the parking and I have had several trips where I forgot where my car was (the worse was carrying around baking utensils, cups, bowls, etc. at the end of a workday and walking half the circumference of the mall because I had parked in a different spot because my “usual door” wasn’t open!). Your plan is solid.
As far as the loo and hygiene, there was a study done a number of years ago. People were far more likely to wash up IF there was another person present. If there wasn’t, well over 60% did NOT! And that is just sad, especially in this day and age.
ewwwwww
I try to shop at the more local, quieter mall. There’s a few in Calgary that seem to be WAY less busy during the season.
Good luck! If you get there early and get out, you should be good.
(And maybe put 2 beer in the frdige.)
Katie =^..^=
I just talked to my husband and sister-in-law who grew up in Costa Rica and speak Spanish like natives and they could not come up with a Spanish equivalent for wreath either. Seems to not be a Spanish thing!
“I am not unhappy because I don’t have that stuff. I am unhappy because I am in a mall.”
This sums it up absolutely brilliantly!
Lucky you to have shopping centre bathrooms that offer paper towels. In the UK, we have, almost universally, hot air hand dryers. Everybody hates them, although they are presented as “more hygienic than towels.” If you stand there long enough to dry your hands, you have a queue forming behind you. So you leave with damp hands, drying them on your coat or your handkerchief as you go. Quite the opposite of hygienic!
Our mall has the good hand dryers–the kind that really can get your hands dry very quickly (and amuse small children because of the way the skin on your hands ripples under the blast of air). But then there are no paper towels for the door handle.
I use the ends of my sleeves pulled down over my hands, or the bottom edge of my sweater. I’m with Steph on this one – I don’t sanitise the heck out of my home but shopping malls creep me out with the possibilities of disease transmission.
I also hate going to the mall. I usually only go once a yr when I need to pick up Christmas gifts I can’t get somewhere else. And I agree with #7 completely.
I can lose my car going into Target. I have taken to pausing briefly to fix in my mind what I am seeing as I look toward the store from my car. “I am walking toward the address numbers” or “I am walking toward the last red ball on the left”. Then I say it to myself a few times. Well, yeah, probably easier to take a pic with the cell phone… Good luck, hope your expedition goes well!
Good luck at the mall. I have so far avoided it.
A word about hand sanitizer tho…there are people (like me, for instance) that are deathly allergic to the stuff. People should always make sure your hand are completely dry before touching things or people. I’m fine as long as it’s dried, but it isn’t pretty when the wet stuff gets on me.
I 100% believe you as I have a weird allergy too (anaphylaxis to raw celery, but it’s safe if heavily cooked to mushiness) but am very curious as to what happens! Rash? Anaphylaxis? Only certain brands of hand sanitizer? I’m wondering if it’s maybe the triclosan that’s added to some of them (particularly the Bath & Body Works ones) as I’m stumped for what would cause the problems in the ones that are basically just the gelled alcohol. But like I said, celery allergy here. Most common comment I get is “but they’re mostly water!” That must be super hard because the sanitizer is everywhere now!
I did my last Guerrilla Shopping in the mall yesterday. Leaving my coat in the car is the smartest thing I do because it only takes 5 minutes for me to overheat and want to stab people. I too go with a list and do not deviate from it. At this point, I don’t shop around to save a nickel on a bag of underwear – my sanity is too precious for that nonsense. Good Luck
Only one beer? Best make it two.
I try not to even drive NEAR the mall from December through January… but your plan sounds excellent!
I hope you are already home and quietly knitting by a cozy fire. You do such a wonderful job of keeping Christmas!!!
When did buying little kids books as a gift go out of style? My littles (3 under 3 years of age) can’t even read yet but they all still get a book each as a part of their gifts. I think they make a fine gift. I too hate the mall. Online shopping is the way to go if you can.
But don’t you know, books don’t look flashy and impressive on Instagram or Facebook! *rolls eyes*
We just gave our nephew some books for his birthday (he’s turning six tomorrow). He was cuddling them all through dinner–after he’d looked at every single page and analyzed the pictures for every detail he could find (he doesn’t read yet). I just decreed to my wife that we are about to become the Book Aunts. Every birthday? Book. Christmas? Book. (Possibly something else, depending on our budget–big family, small income–but definitely books.) They do not need more plastic crap, and if they do, the rest of the family is thrilled to give it to them.
My wife and I are the Book Aunts. Every holiday, a book and small amount of cash. And actually, the kids like it. Opening the books isn’t exciting, because they know what it is already, but they read the books, sometimes over and over. It’s more difficult for the teenagers, but getting them the right book really shows how well you know them, and care for them – and that’s what holidays are supposed to be about anyway!
They don’t have to be new. I buy books for my grandkids and for my children as well from used book stores. They must be in good shape but I have gotten many vintage books that were a big hit this way.
I am not sure why it has become so very important for all holiday gifts to be new. I personally love vintage. Most of my kitchen tools have come from either the thrift store or the antique store. Better made than most things I can buy new anyway!
i too give a lot of gifts that are not new. if it is good quality or cool and old or just right for that person, i don’t disqualify something just because it is not new. i choose things for myself the same way- i find something different, and i am reusing something that might be thrown out otherwise. my friends and family know my values and know that i am choosing things for them with the same values that i choose things for myself. my children have grown up looking at the value of an item, not its price tag. they will buy me cds at the used cd store and can get three or four for the price of one new. books are also great for this!
Numbers 7, 9 and 10 made my day! I hope you come out of your venture unscathed!
One other strategy that helps me: park at one end of the mall (take the pic, text yourself the location, whatever you need) then walk clear to the other side of the mall, to the farthest store you need to go to, and work your way back.
Much less demoralizing to do that long walk first, rather than at the end of your shopping run with all the bags and no patience for every mother-[redacted] family group walking four across and as slowly as possible.
May the force be with you, and please tweet when you get out of there so we know you survived. And thank you for making me laugh even though I have abdominal stitches from surgery. Laughing hurt a bit, but it was worth it. Hubby and I have not been in a single mall this season, and I don’t think we went in one last year either.
Best of luck! I’ll be watching your Twitter to make sure you’re still alive.
As my boys and I always said when we had to head into a busy store, “In and out. Nobody gets hurt.”
I love this! I’ve forwarded it onto my son, as I know he will appreciate it, too.
Mall Survival 101: Walk into the mall, then turn around and take a picture of the entrance you just came in. Then you will see it as you will see it when you want to leave. Try to include enough of the stores on either side that you will remember their names. If you walk into a big store like the Bay, you just have to remember what department(s) you walked into.
But seriously, I love malls. When the weather outside is frightful I take most of my daily 10,000 steps inside the mall. If I am tired I can get coffee and sit down. I almost never buy anything, because they don’t have the stores I want, but I enjoy the looking and the people.
On the whole, you have a very good plan – but only one beer? I’m sorry, this is a wine and chocolate level trauma.
I love to shop (browse) but like you, don’t like malls, especially “outlet” malls which are just a new way of marketing “stuff”…Best of luck getting in and out quickly. I was able to avoid my mall this year, although I might pop in in January to check out the sales! Starting in August and knitting 90% of my gifts was the way to go this year. This year was berets and mitts, last year mug cozies with personalized mugs ordered on line, year prior was beanies, and prior to that scarves. Ideas for next year??
Socks, fingerless gloves.
Cowls would be my suggestion – plain, fancy, generic or sex-specific. So many great free patterns on Ravelry and many only require a skein of yarn, maybe two if using DK or worsted.
I haven’t read all the comments….but I feel I need to say that most hand sanitizers commonly available, do NOT protect against Noro virus! Learned this last year, after a cruise–our ship was fine, but another ship in the same area, same cruise line, was not fine. There is a commercial one made by Purell, I believe, that will protect you, but most won’t. You’re betting off just wearing gloves, then washing them (and your hands) the moment you get home 🙂
I have to say, there’s part of your bathroom process that has always mystified me – why does it matter if you touch the DOOR after you’ve washed your hands? You touched the door before you used the bathroom, not after… so your hands weren’t germy then. To be honest I also cannot fathom doing the paper-towel-to-turn-off-the-tap thing, that is nuts and not how public bathrooms are organized. Anyway, I’m outing myself – I do wash my hands but I don’t use all of those steps!!
Because of all the people who use the bathroom, and open the door without washing their hands.
It matters because you touched the tap with your dirty hands to turn it on, and because all those people who didn’t wash their hands touched that door handle that you’re about to grab. I volunteered in a hospital and this is how we were trained by the infection control department to wash, every single time. I can’t say I never get sick (fighting the crud as we speak) but let’s say it’s a rare thing for me, and I credit the germophobia.
I too hate the mall with a passion, because Christmas seems to bring out the worst in people, who walk into you, steal the parking spot you’re heading for and cough all over you. The mall concentrates too many of them in a small space. Let us know you survived…..
I like your captcha alternative. Not what I came to say.
#2 had me crying. #7 had me saying amen.
that is all.
Oh, wait, I’m stealing them both for facebook.
Surgical strikes at the mall. That’s the only way to do it.
Don’t forget to use your hand sanitizer after you’ve been handling change either. I’ve had far fewer colds this year since using it regularly at work (I work in a small supermarket). Good luck with your shopping. I’m working up the courage to visit actual big shops (rather than the small ones in the town where I live).
I have not been in a mall for 16 years and if I can help it, I will not for another 16 years. I truly prefer to frequent small local businesses and keep my money working in my own town. That being said, I do some purchasing on line but most of it is with smaller places. Speaking of sanitation and germs, at age 55 I came down with whooping cough. I am not around any children so the doc said I probably got it in a grocery store off of a shopping cart. ARGH!! Boy was I sick–nasty just shoot me to get it over with sick. I now sanitize EVERYTHING when I’m out and about. They have found that our immunization for pertussis can wear off and are now offering an adult immunization. I suggest everyone ask their docs about it when next they see him. You do NOT want this disease. It was horrible. Getting down off soapbox now. (sheepish grin)
I hate to tell you, but even if you get a booster you can still get pertussis. You are much more likely to get a subclinical version of it, or to get the nastier and much less treatable parapertussis virus after being immunized. And if someone has the subclinical version, they can shed virus for months (not from the shot, from their infection) and potentially infect everyone around them. It’s the vaccinated kids who are spreading it now, unfortunately. Google it if you don’t believe me.
I just sent two people for nasal swabs for these this past week in clinicals. Both were immunized.
I got pertussis one year. Miserable. They don’t call it the four month cough for nothing.
I have had Noro virus before and my poor son got it this Thanksgiving. The most common way to contract it is by eating food prepared by someone who has the virus (they might not have symptoms yet). I got it at family camp when the virus hit the majority of the food preparers and servers. Over half of the guests came down with it (ugh!). My son got it from a sandwich he bought at an airport (we know that is the source because he did not eat anything else that the rest of us – all healthy – didn’t also eat).
Another good reason to stay away from food courts.
Good luck today.
Make sure you take a photo of the door you come in FROM THE INSIDE so you don’t have to go outside to make sure you have the right one 🙂
Yep, yesterday I had to go to the mall too. Like you I only go there when I absolutely stinking have to. My mother wants a particular bracelet that is only sold at a store there. SO I waited for a Monday, hoping the crowd would be less. I drove around the maze-like parking garage for awhile looking for a parking spot big enough to protect my brand-new car from getting door dinged by careless neighbors. I memorized the hell out of the spot I found, the elevator level, and the entrance to the mall. Success to me is also in-and-out precision. Planning makes it happen, and it did! Hope to hear back that your experience was a smooth one.
Thanks for taking the time to chat with us every day during this busy holiday season. I especially enjoy reading about Luis’ daily choices for his Advent Tree. My adult children expect me to set up our 30 year old Advent Tree every year and they still compete for the right to hang the Santa ornament on Christmas Eve.
I am SO with you on malls! (and especially with you on #7). Anything I need, I find online – I’m keeping the UPS people employed 😉
All Christmas gifts purchased this way also!
I get distracted from visual overload in places like the mall. And I get slightly sick from the fluorescents. My advice is to go first thing in the morning during the week. Very few people shop then, so it’s easier to move fast.
Good for you, staying polite! Those poor, poor salespeople.
It’s nice to know that I’m not the only person that hates trips to the Mall, the place is soulless. Another time it’s good to take a photo of your parking location is at the airport. Coming back from a nice and relaxing week vacation and not being able to find your car is counter productive.
My #1 tip for the mall is go as early as you possibly can. The hordes usually arrive closer to noon to take advantage of the food. So, strike EARLY and get out of there before lunch. Also, bring water.
I am SO with you on the mall. Especially #3 and #7.
I can hardly believe now that shopping at the mall used to be my entertainment when I was in my 20’s. now I think I’ve entered a mall less than five times in the last 10 years. I’d be happy to never go again.
I’ve just been to the grocery store and am heading off to the mall myself. Got distracted this morning by (wait for it) cleaning my fridge! So now I have to shop and be back in record time before the kids get home and see me sneaking in with bags. Thanks for reminding me to be the nice one….
In Southern California, a wreath seems to be called la corona, but I believe ours is more a spanglish form of Spanish than most other places. Best of luck in the mall
“Happiness waits at the Stuff Mart;
All you need is lots more stuff.”
I’m feeling a leetle wooozeee…
Oh, and the coat thing too…my hubby thinks I look like an idiot walking outdoors in the cold without a coat on, but I’d far rather be comfortable for the long period indoors, than for the short walk from the car to the entrance. I’ve always been this way. When we were dating my future MIL thought I didn’t HAVE a coat, so she offered to buy me one, lol.
My Dad goes to his local. Even better than mine, as he lives in the land of possum merino, which makes me swoon. I look at their website, give him a list, the women there take care of him, done. Best present ever.
When you take the picture of the door you go in, be sure to take it from INSIDE so you can recognize it as you leave! And thank you for saying what I too believe – lining toilet seats is silly and the backs of our thighs are just not that vulnerable!
When my time comes that I must face the local mall, my mantra which I will be chanting in my head the whole time will be “#7, #7, Yarnharlot’s #7″… my defenses are notoriously weak in the clutches of so much mass consumerism. And may the force be with you today! 🙂
I’m not a mall rat, but it is the one place to walk when the weather outside is frightful. All that exposure to consumables has made me immune. That, and reading “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up” by Marie Kondo. Not only am I not adding to the crap in my home, I refuse to add to it to anyone else’s either. The best time to go to the mall here is around supper time, but NOT during the lunch hour. Ask me how I know. 😉
The best time to go to the mall anytime of year, but especially at the holidays is right when they open. There’s not many people, the displays are still neat, and the salespeople are not yet bitter and angry about the 17 jerks they had to serve before you. Plus you’re basically guaranteed good parking.
Your mall obviously doesn’t have a yarn shop in it!
There used to be an LYS in one of the Ashville, NC malls and I have to say, Friends and Fiberworks was nice enough to make me consider changing my mind about a mall.
Not my mall, only this one in particular, in fact. That was 8 hours from my house. That I’ve only ever been in once.
Happy hunting! At this point it’s gotta look a lot like the Hunger Games in there…
I don’t mind the mall….I think. Yes, I am always in a lousy mood if I have to go there at this time of year, but I believe it’s because the *parking lot* is so insane that by the time I actually get into the mall my entire store of patience is gone. This makes getting *out* of the parking lot after a couple hours in the mall a harrowing experience if you’re in the car with me!
Since when are books not fashionable gifts??? Everybody in my house gets a book or a magazine (for the son who hates to read). Even the grandbaby that isn’t born yet is getting a book. I buy myself a book for Christmas. Books are where it’s at!
I just have to tell my story to someone who will appreciate it. I avoid malls at all costs. I had to get boots, nothing else, just boots. There is one store that has boots I like at a great price, and, of course, it has to be in the mall. I pack up my 5-year-old and 3-year-old and park by the closest door (I know the best door for this store, it’s the only one I use). I go in, get the boots, and 20 minutes later I’m out. It would have worked, but Santa was in view. I would normally say no, but no one was on his lap and I figured we could run in, talk to the big man and be gone before you could say, “Bob’s your uncle.” Then right as we walked up, they posted the sign stating that Santa is on a break. I tried to back out, but the kids called me out. “You said we could see him!” Fine. We’ll play in the play place for half an hour, come back, then go. We walk into the play place and get blasted with the smell of BO. Nice. I decided to sit by the entrance and pull out my knitting in the hopes it can calm me down. 10 minutes later I look over to see the man next to me with his shoes off. No wonder it smells! Thanks for forcing the rest of the world to smell your feet, sir. At the designated time for Santa’s break to be over we get back in line. We were third, which wasn’t bad and Santa was soon back in his plush chair. A photographer lets the first family in, takes their picture in front of a backdrop, and the lets them continue through the line to Santa. She does the same for the second person in line, and then us. After we get our first picture taken, I keep wondering why the line is not moving. Around the corner I can see Santa with no one on his lap, and for some reason we’re still just standing here. I looked around and found out that this photographer is the only person working the Santa line and she is taking everyone’s picture before moving on. We had to wait for her to take about 20 pictures before she would even open up the line to see Santa. She finally finishes with the pictures and lets the first family in to see him. After she takes their picture, she walks with them to the cash register, shows them all their pictures, pitches her product, and rings them up. Only after all that would she let the second child in to see Santa. It took us 30 minutes to see Santa and we were only the third people in line. I hated the mall before, but now I will do everything possible to never step foot in a mall again.
Oh. Oh. Oh. As another mother of similarly aged children (5yo next week, and 2.5yo), I so feel your pain!
My way of dealing with this situation back in the Dark Ages when my children were young was to say, “That’s not the real Santa, that’s just a man dressed up as Santa trying to make you spend your money.” It always worked, and the children, not disillusioned by fake beards etc., retained their belief in “The Real Santa” till they were eight or nine.
My only tip for shopping raids like this: get there early. Seriously – get there when things are opening – it’ll be much much quieter.
You didn’t mention this, but I always go online and check that the stores I think I’m going to in the mall are still there. Nothing worse than having to abort a surgical strike because the dollar store had turned into a lingerie shop.
Sorry if this is a repeat, there is a smart phone app that remembers where your car is, just activate after you park, and it will lead you back. Plus, just activating it will ensure you don’t need it.
Go figure. The one day I stay home to work on my Christmas knitting is the one day you go to the mall. I have to say today’s gift for knitters is spot on. A couple years ago my brother and sil went to my lys to get my Christmas present. He introduced himself as my brother and was supplied a gorgeous skein of hand dyed UrbanGypz fingering and a great mug (he probably picked out the mug himself). I finally decided it should become an Akimbo with some precious Sanguine Gryphon that was given to me (and then probably a matching Sockhead if there’s enough leftover). He probably doesn’t remember the yarn, but he’ll get a great reminder next week when he sees me knitting it during our Christmas visit! (They live half a country away.)
Courage! But it seems like you’ve got SAS mall shopping sorted…it is the only way!
Not sure if your malls are like ours but I take a picture of the first shop in the door I come through. That way if all else fails I can look the shop name up in the directory for directions…
#7, Amen! I just emailed my sister the other day to tell her I fervently believe Christmas in its current incarnation exists solely to a) coerce us into spending more, more, and even more; and b) make all parents, especially mothers, feel comprehensively inadequate. I’ve already told the kids (11 and 14) that for financial reasons this will be a “skinny” Christmas, and we need to focus on what should have been the priority all along: what we can do for each other instead of the things we give each other.
Considering how many people hate the mall it’s hard to imagine who all those people are! Our mall is small and not too busy, so not too painful. I still only go there once a year if at all possible. Our food court has an Indian restaurant though – a consolation.
Forget the damned mall. Walmart is open all night the week before Christmas. Desperation shopping can be done after midnight when no one but employees are around. You won’t be liked by Walmart employees but it sure beats the alternative. In the meantime, you have my heartfelt sympathies. I do not enter a mall for any reason in December or January & only on pain of death the rest of the year!!!
You had me at #7 — if you ever find me at a Mall or Mega Mart, I’m the one shouting “Retail Doesn’t Rule Me!”
No one puts this knitter in a corner.
The yarn store doesn’t count 😉
“I am unhappy because I am in a mall.” – You totally crack me up! I love this post..a lot!
Well said, Steph.
Amen.
I cant help but wonder if the cultural norm of people wearing gloves in public reduced the number of illnesses in those long gone days of the 30s& 40s. As for the mall & the stress- its what my dad used to say: we’ve got 2 lives- our circumstances & what we choose to do with them. That’s a good thought all through the year. Happy holidays. Choose your stressors well.
Oh, this post delights me, because I could have written the same list. My favorite is #7/”I am not unhappy because I don’t have all that stuff. I am unhappy because I am at the mall.” Hilarious, and utterly true! Wonderful, wonderful. Thanks for the chuckle.
My mall parking trick: park at one end because fewer people want to walk the length of the mall and you can get closer to the door. Enter through a store, preferably an expensive one that won’t tempt you, and remember what clothing is near the door so you can find it. I also wear a light jacket and leave the heavy coat in the car. Helps me move faster.
My LYS is 22mi away (about 30min drive), so I haven’t been there yet.
As for the mall? I used to work retail. I don’t like shopping anyway so the mall is not my thing, but when I go I make the best of it. I bring patience and, unless she is at pre-school, leave my 4yr old with a sitter or her Nana. I plan ahead which stores I am going to and do not deviate. I am always courteous to the staff even when they are not courteous to me.
Stephanie you will be in my prayers and may the forces of knitting protect you.
Oh one last thing– Books are always good gifts! It is what I give and my family knows they are my default if I don’t ask for anything.
I feel your pain. I was at the mall twice last weekend, not to look for christmas presents, but wedding shoes, because I was crazy enought to plan to get married right after the holidays.
Put 2 beers in the fridge- you’ve earned it.
Been there, done that. And recognize that kinda crazy. 🙂
Congratulations and may you have a long and happy wedded life.
Number 7. All day. You expressed my feelings so well.
(Sorry to disabuse you and several of your commenters, but you CAN get bad things on the back of your thighs from a toilet seat – things like genital herpes. Ugh.)
Nope. Unless you don’t believe the Mayo clinic? http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/genital-herpes/expert-answers/genital-herpes/FAQ-20058506
Mythbusters did a segment on germs and bacteria on various surfaces. Toilet seats were remarkably clean. Your telephone receiver and kitchen sink have multiple times as many germs on them.
My family has been told I will be staying away from the mall till well after Christmas/New Year is over, too many people and I get twitchy in those places at the best of times. I did the groceries yesterday, yarn has been ordered and should arrive tomorrow (not that I needed it, but my son did) and the only thing I have left to pick up is the ham which will be done early tomorrow
I am sorry you have to go there, I hope it went well. I try very hard ot order mall like things on line these days – with Amazon Smile, I can even raise money for my favorite charity while shopping – two good reasons to stay home.
“I am unhappy because I am I’m a mall”. Best phrase ever. I have things I desperately need but am trying to hold off until after January 1
I am not at all sure beer is sufficient for the mall. I would have gone for the Screetch.
This year, I don’t have to worry about the mall at all. I have no money to go there. I will be going to the grocery store for Christmas dinner ingredients because that is all we can afford. There will be no tree either. Presents are already bought and got. No wrapping paper. Just midnight mass and mass at Christmas day, dinner, a visit from our oldest child and football. That is enough for us this year.
Happy Holidays and Happy New Year to all.
bjr
That sounds close to my vision of an ideal Christmas celebration. Just sorry it was inspired by necessity rather than choice.
Bless you Barbara, your a good example of how less can be more.
Peace on Earth Good Will to All !
My maul survival strategy is to use GPS function on the smart phone – drop a ‘pin’ when leaving your vehicle, when you are ready to exit the maul, use the gps to help get to the right exit and the right car.
Hand sanitizer won’t protect you from norovirus but since it is food borne you can protect yourself by washing your hands well with soap and water (20 seconds of scrubbing) before you put anything into your mouth.
Make sure you take that picture of the exit from the INSIDE of the mall. You need to recognize it on your way out…not as you’re walking around the *outside* of the mall looking for the car!
Good luck!
I haven’t set foot in a mall in years..this time of year I won’t even enter a department store, lest the music drive me screaming out the door. One more verse of Feliz Navidad will push me over the deep end.
“At least it’s not snowing”? On the Texas Gulf coast I hope for snow every day. It would have Really improved This day.
YES! That is how I feel about malls most of the time, and Definitely in December. Your plan is sound. I wish you well. ( I braved the mall last week. In, purchased gift, after standing in line for an inordinate amount of time, out. It Can Be Done. Carry on.)
You could always wear a santa hat too…. One of the things I do when I encounter children pitching a tantrum or bored out of their minds and fussing while their parent is playing on the phone is to start singing Christmas carols…. especially funny when said child is between 2 and 4 because I get to walk away while the child keeps repeating the one part they remember in a sing song voice… usually “Frosty noman!” or “Jingle bell all way!” Drives the parent (who annoyed me) batty while taking a child who was in need of a nap or time out and makes the kid adorable (especially since they aren’t coming home with me!)
Since you are uncomfortable being a pre-Christmas mall shopper, maybe next year you should organize your spreadsheet in such a way that you never ever have to set foot the mall again. Being a mall shopper is like being a tourist. No matter how much you think you are different from others, just being in that spot (the mall, Disney World, the Eiffel Tower…) makes you the same as others in that way. And there is nothing wrong with this. Just accept it. You’re fine. No need to apologize.
Right on about the malls. Also, they seem to change the entries every few years probably for that very reason. Diabolical. But your plan sounds excellent. Especially the beer part.
The best year for Christmas shopping for me was one where my Dad had broken his knee. Unfortunate for him, but life that year meant I had to do all my shopping on one day so I power shopped with a list. Helped refine thinking and made choosing wonderfully fast!
The Spanish word for wreath is guirnalda.
SCABIES. Right on the backs of my thighs. Then onto the fronts of Andy’s thighs. Then, from there, all over our bodies, except, thank goodness, the moist areas, entomology be praised.
Wow, someone who hates the mall as much (or perhaps more) than I do.
The place I work at recently remodeled all the restrooms. Auto everything: toilets, water taps, soap, and towel dispensers. Even the outer door opens automatically. In fact you only have to touch 2 things in there and one of them is the stall lock. 🙂
##2,#6, and #10 – you have it all covered, with just those three! You will tell us tomorrow that you were totally successful, yes? Go Harlot Go!
A picture of where you parked! Genius! (Haven’t had to go there so far, thank goodness, though I have gone to the post office and that was quite the line. Already.)
I’ve been fortunate to not need to go to the mall the past couple of years to get my shopping done. When I did need to go to the mall I went during a football game, it seemed to work out for the best. I finished today and have not stepped into a mall. Though the big grocery store shopping for the things needed for Christmas days still looms. Your plan for finding the correct door and location of your car sounded good to me. Today I was wandering around the parking lot at Kohl’s while hitting the horn button on my car remote. 🙂
Has anyone mentioned how a mall smells??? All that perfume. Some stores I can’t even walk past bec there is too much wafting out. (Hollister comes to mind ). Then mix it w/ the food courts. Not good! Lol
I really like it when you talk about the mall. I feel very much the same as you do.
This! Number 7. Words to live by. I wish more people shared your attitude. I see so many people going in debt and stressing over Christmas. I find it heart breaking. They are totally missing the point. You have such a gift of phrasing what I’ve been feeling. Thank you!
#7 is brilliant. So’s #10.
I am with you, Steph, I hate going shopping especially at the mall. I treat all shopping trips, even grocery runs, like a commando raid – get in, get stuff, get out! Enjoy the holidays with all your people and thank you so much for the daily laughs.
I agree with an earlier commenter, I love your captcha option much better than the standard ones. I wish more people used it.
I’m afraid I will have to go to the mall also (and jot down where I parked) to finish up a few things. Good news is that I may be able to do the run in/run out strategy.
Thank you for #7. Every once In awhile I forget that part. I’m going to print it and put it in the box with my Christmas stuff so I remember next year.
I’m loving your daily reveal of the ornament. I look forward to seeing which one Carlos picked each day.
And I was laughing so hard the other day over your gifts for knitters- it was the one about counting- that I scared the cat.
Thanks for sharing Stephanie. You are definitely making my days better!
I’m saving the Mall Manifesto for future reference, thank you.
My survival mechanism of choice is to hum Christmas carols (usually, though not always, very quietly). I find that I can’t be grumpy while humming a Christmas carol.
A beer? Miss, after being in a mall with lots of crazy last-minute shoppers, you need a couple glasses of wine. 😀
This reminds me that I’ve still got one present left to buy. Our mall is smaller than yours sounds, but the mass of people is still going to be the same.
That’s why there’s an emergency beer chilling in the fridge at all times!
Loved your plan of attack for the mall. I detest the places at any time of year. Reminds me of the Labor Day weekend when my shower head went berserk and I needed to get a replacement. Only alternative I could get to by bus (choose to not have a car) was The Mall. When I got off I told the driver I’d see him on the return trip. Got a , “Yeah, sure, crazy lady” look. Ignored all the strolling families, holiday weekend sale come-ons, and headed straight to my store at the opposite end of the mall. Bought the shower head and a small wrench I knew I would need. Absolutely relished the stunned look from the bus driver when I boarded on his return trip hugging my Single parcel.
You get extra points for supporting the merchants in your own community as well as maintaining your sanity.
Your GIFT to all of us knitters is taking the time to write your delight full posts, every single day. Thank you. And Happy Christmas!
I agree – I loathe big ‘shopping malls’ anytime of year, but Christmas is really bad. I totally agree re giving books – all my grandchildren – aged six to nineteen – get a book or a book token. The grown up children give Mama books or really nice yarn – well trained!
Good luck, good knitting – and Happy Christmas from this side of the pond.
Number 7 is so much win! Can I quote you?
Good luck! I went shopping yesterday, and it made me super-grumpy. But I think I am done now, just a few books that I’ve ordered to pick up. But I also have to go to the hairdressers, which I dislike, (I haven’t been since Easter, I think) and get tidied up so that I don’t look shaggy and frightful in festive photos!
I love this, can count the number of times I have lost my car at the mall…
Hand Sanitizers do stop both Norovirus and Flu if used properly, they don’t however replace hand washing. So into the restroom and wash those hands every couple of hours with hot soapy water and definitely before you eat. Use a good quality sanitizer containing alcohol and let it dry – that’s what kills the virus! I also wear gloves in the Mall in the winter, ever since I saw a grown woman sneeeze into hers hands, then put her hand back on the handrail on the escalator, disgusting. Worse this was during the Swine Flu epidemic here in the UK. Bad news to the lady who thinks you can get genital herpes from a toilet seat, only if engaging in sex on said toilet seat! Herpes virus needs a moist environment to survive. So don’t let him give you that excuse !!
Today thankfully I am wrapping my finished knitted gifts to get them in the mail – deadline today – made it by the skin of my teeth. Well that and changing a few planned presents!
Re Xmas at the Mall if you can go first thing in the morning on a week day. That’s how I’m doing my Xmas foray into Walmart Friday.
That tap/door handle thing? I spent a lot of time visiting a hospital in the middle of the flu panic a few years ago. I wore a long scarf wrapped around my neck and I used it to touch all the handles. I still quite often put a piece of my clothing between me and a handle and I definitely try to keep my gloves on in the TTC and wash my hands as soon as I can once I get off.
Merry Christmas Stephanie
Didn’t you know that you can get pregnant from sitting on a public toilet seat? At least that’s what they said when I was little (probably to explain why unmarried Jane Doe was “in the family way”).
Every time I’m in a mall, which isn’t often, or even in a stand-alone clothing store, my nose drips like a faucet. Five minutes after I leave the place, it’s fine. I think it’s caused by the “sizing” or whatever that manufacturers apply to clothing.
Bless you for being the kindest person at the mall. You deserve more than a beer!
I have had all the Parking Trouble everyone is describing and then last year I said to myself “No! Take a picture of where you are and of where you enter the shopping centre! That will help.”
It sure did help. I found exactly where I had left my car. Only it had been stolen. But the pictures and the time stamps were great for filing the police report. (I’ve been asked to click the car! Spooky.)
Merry Christmas to all. May we remember and fulfill the spirit of Christmas in our own creative ways.
These lines, “the mall is the opposite of what I like about the world,” and “…I’m unhappy because I’m in a mall” made me laugh out loud, I feel the same way EXACTLY. May the Force be with you, Steph!
I love the beer! But it might have to be more than one 🙂
I too hate the Mall, Amazon has become my friend for anything that I can’t get locally. Then I just wait for the mailman.
Number 7 – YES! SO MUCH YES. Only thing I’d add to that is the push to buy everyone you know something, because it isn’t enough to buy something for the people you’re closest to. Nope, you’re expected to buy gifts for your close family, your friends, the neighbor down the street, that random person you made friends with last month, etc.
Go early. We have the mall on the other side of town, about 5 miles, so when the stores open at 8am in December, I’m there by 8:30 at the latest. Run in, do my thing (leaving the coat in the car, of course), and I’m done by 11:00 for the day. I may make two or three trips this way, but it’s relatively painless.
There is a wonderful app, “Take Me to My Car”‘ thank has saved me lots of frustration when looking for my car in a crowded parking lot. That might be just the thing to avoid lost car syndrome and it’s free!
Best post EVER! Good luck and Merry Christmas!
#7-AMEN.
Two beers, and wine for later. Chocolate in car.
Stephanie,
I use to agree with you about the bathroom and the paper covers. I am a mom to 4 boys. I always wipe the seat. But one time I forgot, or missed a spot, and yep, sat in something wet. Sitting in someone elses pee sent me over the edge of gross and now I use the seat covers to soak up extra pee first. I tried to tell myself it was not pee, but toilet water that splashed up. That didnt help either. 😉
On behalf of all retail workers every where, thank you. Thank you for going into this determined to not be “that person”, the one that takes all their frustrations out on the clerk, who is generally working as hard as they can to get everyone taken care of and checked out properly as quickly and efficiently as possible, usually for relatively low pay. (We know there are some of us who don’t do that, and we apologize for them.) Even though you are entering a world that is guaranteed to make you crazy for all of your stated reasons. (I hate malls too, and am so very glad that I’m working in a small local shop this year!)
Hoping your trip is/was as painless as possible!
For the love of all that matters, I pray that you are not going to Yorkdale.
Let us know how it all turns out.
Oh, oh. No new post. It must have kept Stephanie captive.
Instead, see ‘your brain on crafting’ on CNN Health.
Love your point 9 on the list. Quite a challenge at this time of the year, but you go, girl! And for additional motivation I strongly recommend this bit on YT (starting 5:43): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JE4M98bxT5M
Clarkie rules!
Also great general watching while knitting 😉
You’ve described my experience with malls to a T! I abhor them! Therefore, if I can’t knit it, buy it at my locally owned Independent Book Store or order it on-line from a small business, I’m not buying it. Christmas is about honoring our loved ones with gifts that let them know we love them when we can’t be with them…like hand knit socks! Not about “buying” into consumerism! Christmas blessings to you and your family!
When my son was born, my sister asked what we wanted for Christmas. I said “books”. She said she didn’t want to be the “book aunt.” I told her I had every intention of being the “book aunt” as soon as she had kids. And I am. Except this year, this year I am the “knitting aunt.” Although, since I just found out I’m expecting #6, I may go back to the “book aunt” next year!
I keep checking today (the 18th) for your report that you got HOME from the mall yesterday… wondering if you are still there? Perhaps snowed in, and knitting hats for charity?
I am seriously enjoying Little Luis and the Advent Calendar.
Dear Steph, I’m writing to thank you for a gift you gave me – the idea of setting a timer when there’s housework ( or any putoffable task ). I have always set aside a day for chores and then ended up putting that day off till things got dire. Then it really did take a day. I’m now setting a timer, reminding myself to play while I work (dancing with the vacuum cleaner, etc) and breaking tasks into short daily intervals. So thank you for the idea and thank you for everything you do. Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Oh my Noro! I read your post aloud to both my dear Girlie and Mr. Smartypants, and both of the chortled. Well done you. I love me a Canadian who has her priorities straight!
Excellent mall plan! Love it.
AND, completely enjoying the ornament reveals and all the stories about Lou.
At this time I am going to do my breakfast, afterward
having my breakfast coming over again to read additional news.
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