I’m going to post this,

I’m going to post this, then I’m going back to bed. Its not going very well for me. Wanna see the hat?
Disappointed? Me too. Here’s what happened. In a fit of absolute brilliance and foresight, I gave the hat some thought before I cast it on. That’s not something I usually do, I’m more of a seat-of-my-pants kinda gal. I like to live on the edge, if I make a hat that isn’t the predicted size, that’s usually ok with me. It’s gonna fit somebody. This time though, I wanted a hat that would fit the gardener, who is a pretty big guy. I’ve got a limited amount of wool, and only have time for one kick at the can. Fine. I’ll do the responsible knitter thing and I’ll give this some thought.
Well look at that. It’s a swatch. It’s a little known fact that swatches are actually magic charms woven by knitters to invoke proper knitting. If you knit one, a magical net is cast about your knitting and many good things happen. If you don’t ….knitting apocalypse. I’m sure you are familiar with this theory, or have at least suffered the wrath of a skipped swatch. Risky business.
So I knit the darned swatch. I did more than that, I actually measured the swatch and worked out how many stitches to the inch I was getting. I didn’t screw around either, I didn’t ignore 1/8th stitches, or stretch it a little bit or squash it. Nope, an honest to goodness non-fudged stitch count. Then, (If you can even believe that I took this much care) I measured Joe’s head, which I figure is about what I’m aiming for. Then I did the math, then I subtracted one inches worth (because you want a hat to fit closely) and cast on the resulting number of stitches. Check me on this….
5 stitches to the inch
Head measurement = 25 inches
5 X 25 = 125 – 5 = 120
Because I failed grade 10 math 4 times, I double checked this theory with Joe (who won prizes for mathematics) and he agreed that this was right. Excellent, I cast on 120 stitches and work merrily around the hat. I’m liking the hat, I’m feeling good about the world, I’ve got some really good looking hat happening…when I sort of notice that the hat looks a little big. Screw it, think I. I don’t have to worry about that. I get to ignore niggling little feelings like that because I am a knitter who knit a good honest swatch. I carry on.
I carry on until the feeling cannot be ignored. I decide to reassure myself by slipping the hat off of the needle (which is clearly distorting the thing somehow) so that I can see with my own eyes that the hat is 24 inches around. I know that the hat is 24 inches around because
120 divided by 5 = 24 (I double checked with a calculator…just in case Joe’s slipping)
Imagine my shock when I measure the hat and it is 28 inches around. Does somebody want to take a minute to explain that to me? Same yarn, same needles, same knitting method, I even knitted the swatch in fair isle. I used a calculator. I give up. I yanked it out. I went back to the swatch. It’s still 5 stitches to the inch. (Lying piece of junk) I’ve cast on 110. Screw swatches.
What’s wrong with this picture?
There’s only one tiger bootee, that’s what. Somewhere in between when I handed the person (who is a very lovely individual with a spotless record, who we are definitely not blaming for this catastrophic event) two bootees to transport to the baby’s mother and when they arrived, one of the bootees disappeared. Gone. Evaporated. Absolutely does not exist any longer. I have to knit another one. I am confident that as soon as I knit the replacement, the one that is without at doubt lost forever will reappear.
I see no reason to continue with this morning. I’m going to have a little lie down now.